Which way is Up?

I haven't smoked pot in a year until last night.  It is legal here.  The pain in my body grew uncontrollable.  Physical pain that stays and grows in intensity can leave a person wondering, *which way is up?*  This is not the *nice* pain that can flood a person with endorphins. No, this is the sort that feels like an all out assault on the body.
Physical pain and emotional pain are connected... well, can be.  The emotions manifesting themselves physically.  Feeling stressed and all the muscles tense, the same with anxiety and fear.  When these get all twisted up inside me while I am trying to fight and relieve the pain, I am often left wondering which way is up.  I dont get a break from physical pain.  What I do get is different degrees of intensity.  I feel fortunate that the over the top, I want to pull my hair out and scream pain rarely happens more than once a week.  When physical pain rises, it can push itself right to the front of everything and it is all I see.  At that point nothing is seen except through pain-filled glasses.  Those points for me are crazy!  Like that, I am trying not to snap at anyone.  I am trying to hold myself together and convince myself that eventually one of the methods I am using to bring pain levels down is gonna work.  I am trying not to be grumpy with my dogs who want to be on my lap, in my chair, every step of these little dogs bringing more pain.  Ok, so sometimes I am resisting the urge to toss one of them from my chair.  (I have 4 chihuahuas and I would never hurt them) They don't know that juggling for their normal spot, laying against me, is hurting me.
Chronic pain is frustrating.  For those of us with *invisible* diseases and disorders we often don't know the cause of the pain and have no way of controlling it.  We don't know when the symptom of pain is going to hit.  There is no formula to show us how bad it is going to be this time, how high the levels might go or how long they will stay so high.  It can feel hopeless.  We can't point to a certain thing that brought on the pain.  And we know that getting through this episode is unlikely to be the last.  It sure isn't like surgery where they go in take care of the problem and there is the pain with recovery, that does have an end.  It *feels* hopeless at times, but it is not hopeless.  It isn't a curse.  I wouldn't call it a blessing either.  It is a part of our lives that can make us emotional, grumpy and very much fatigued. It is ok to be there and not know which way is up.  It is not okay to be there and be an asshole.  Pain is not an excuse to lash out at others.  We can feel out of control and not become out of control.
In the midst of a pain flare-up, it is best not to be making too many decisions. Not knowing which way is up, because it is all colored by pain, is definitely going to have an effect on decision making.  At least it does for me.  Others have said to me, *at least it is not like you have cancer and might die from it.*  They might be true, in part.  They judge what they can see.  Especially those who are asking me what's wrong with me when I am in my wheelchair.  They see a healthy woman.  They may even see a woman in pain.  But, to say that at least...blah, blah, blah... is so inconsiderate.  Only those the absolute closest to me know the whole story of what my body is doing and how it effects the quality and span of my life.
 The person you know that has chronic pain, keep in mind that you might not know the entire story or history going on there. We as the friends, siblings, co-workers, of someone living with chronic pain need to know that sometimes, the grip of pain is so tight that the person does not know which way is up right then.  The best way to help is just love them through it.  Be kind, try to understand and don't be a doormat.  When I am cranky because of pain, I am grateful that those around me understand the source and are willing to show me which way is up.  Mickey will say to me something like...* I think that might be the pain talking* or even, *I understand that you are in pain but that is not an excuse to act like that*