Continuing Thankfulness

Life is hard.  Time is a crazy thing that is usually too fast or too slow.  Rarely is there enough money.  Too often things don't go as planned.  Often our best still doesn't seem good enough.  Damn, what is there left that is positive in our world?
For me, all of these statements are pretty true.  What is there that is still worth getting up for?  This is the reality that so many of us face.  It isn't a pessimist attitude, it is reality.  So how do you stay sane in the insanity?  How do you put on a smile and face another day?
At this moment for me personally, it is so much about practicing thankfulness.  In that I also hold onto hope.  I do not like some aspects of my life at this moment.  There are quite a few things that I wish were different.  At the moment, they are unchangeable things.  I am not willing to put my energy into the negative emotions that attach themselves to those things.
It is not easy.  It is difficult to force my brain and emotions away from the negative side.  Sometimes I have torn my world down to the simple fact that I am thankful that I have air to breathe.  Instead of being upset that I have to go to that very basic need to be thankful for, I build on that small thing.
Redirecting my thoughts isn't easy and it does not happen over night.  For me, it is worth the effort.

being disabled

How many would consider taking a person out of their wheelchair to put them over your knee for a spanking?  The truth is, not many.  As a woman who is disabled, I can tell you that I am more often than not, overlooked.  People have a way of trying not to see me.  Even simply when walking on  the street.  Because of a wheelchair and even with my cane, I have gained the magical power of becoming invisible.
Today, I am struggling with the fact that I am disabled.  It has been a rough week for me physically and I had a seizure in public during an outdoor play.  That really put the disabled sign over my head in neon flashing lights.  I am differently abled.
Sadly, so much of society still sees one like me as someone to avoid.  I am frustrated by it all right now.  I am frustrated with my own body and the struggles I face.  I never imagined my life being like this.

Energy

I have not really thought about this before.  Giving positive or negative attention to something is still a form of energy.  Regardless of my response, if I have a response, I am using energy.  These days, sometimes, there just is not enough energy to face the day.  I never really thought about my negative responses also draining energy from me.  I guess the alternative would be having no response at all.  Withholding my energy from a situation completely. 

Is that possible?  Is ignoring it, withholding energy?  Something to think about.

Mickey's Birthday Paddle

Yesterday was Mickey's birthday.  For three days she has been receiving Seattle Seahawk related presents.  She is a fan, big time!  She has a good size collection of Seahawk memorabilia .  It is a lot of fun to see her reaction to something new that is all about that foorball team or the *12's*
I also made her a wooden paddle.  I have not worked painting on wood in a very long time and did not trust my skills.  That just means that I kept it simple.  On one side in large letters it says : Daddie.  I borrowed a saying from one of Miss Jenn's paddles and wrote it on the handle of this new one.  It says, *Girls who tease go over knees.*  The backside of the paddle is where I wrote, *Daddie's little helper.  Very simple.  I didn't have the right stuff to make a drawing and transfer it on there to paint it, so I just did all the lettering free hand.  It is difficult for me because I never know when my hands are going to start to shake.  The spanking part of the paddle is sort of star shaped and probably 6x6 and then the handle is a nice size.  She loved it and was surprised that I actually made it.  Making it and keeping it a surprise is always a challenge.  I have to work when she is asleep and hope that I have all the materials I need.
She has wanted me to get back into painting for quite some time.  She has a dream of me painting a mural on one of the walls in our home.  At this point, I don't think I am physically capable of this on my own.  I think she understands that also.  Instead, she is making sure that I have plenty of coloring supplies, crayons, markers, colored pencils and so many adult coloring books.  It is a hobby that I enjoy a lot.
Coloring now is also a tool I am using to deal with stress and pain.  Whether I am coloring something for a specific artist/illustrator or just for my own enjoyment, I find that I focus in and the pressures of the moment start fading to the background.  Whoever thought that what has been seen so long as a childhood past-time could become a tool to deal with chronic pain?  There are literally now 100s of coloring books and coloring book artists out there.  I have been introduced to so many of them and their work.  Most of them are so generous with their time and teaching me some new techniques also.

Tough Time...

I have not wanted to write anything at all.  My mood is very low and quiet.  Finding my *happy-place* just doesn't seem possible right now.  When in a place like this it is hard to reach into myself and pull myself up, but I am trying.  I am trying to accept the reality of my life as it is at this moment.  I do not want it to be the way it is.  I sure can't seem to change it either.  It is hard.  Facing each day is a struggle.  I know I have the skills to get myself through this.  Man, I wish it was easier!

Nothing Really

There is nothing really on my mind.  Our home life right now is stressful.  One of our sons has been staying with us for a few weeks.  His wife and son are here as well.  They are homeless at the moment.  He and his little sister do not get along and he is making her life miserable.  We have given them until the 27th to be out. He is not working.  She starts at a fast-food place later this week.  The addition of the three of them has sent stress through the roof for all of the rest of us.
Mickey has not been paid any of her overtime pay in months.  From at least March, she is owed this pay.  They keep giving her the run-around and she keeps getting angrier at them.  The man down the road is still as nosy as hell.  He tries to be all up in our business.  I want to scream!
My pain levels are staying pretty high.  Stress tends to do that.  My bones are changing and using my body is a challenge most days.  Some days, I can just accept that this is how it is.  Other days, I get very frustrated.  Needing help to simply cut my meal into bite sized pieces, doesn't sit very well with me.  Typing, writing and even coloring take a toll on my body.  Argg!  It is maddening sometimes!
Still, I know that I must do all I can to keep a good attitude.  I have to practice thankfulness.  I have to look at the glass as half full.  For me it is more than survival at stake.  It is also so much about finding even the smallest things to be happy about.  It is about fighting for my sanity as well as my quality of life.  With a bad or depressed attitude, I believe I would become very miserable.  That is something that I never want to allow to happen.  I believe that life is good.  There is good here and I am thankful for that!

Ocean

This is a picture of my favorite place to be in the world.  It doesn't have to be the ocean.  It can be a lake, a waterfall or a stream.  It is the movement and sound of the water that draws me.  I am captivated by the power it has over me and the calmness it brings to me.
Quite a long time ago I was on a pier in San Diego.  It was storming and the ocean was in an uproar.  The waves were crashing against the pier.  I had no business being there during that time.  The thing is though, I could not pull myself away from the sight, sound and feel of it all.  It grabs a hold of me and takes me somewhere else.  I don't know how to explain it.  I simply love the way it makes me feel.

Violence in the World

Today, I have been forcing my mind to move away from dwelling on the tragedies that are happening in our Country and world.  Thankfully no violence is actually touching my life personally.  So, why then, is my heart still breaking?  I am appalled  by the violence that is taking place.  I don't understand it.  I certainly do not condone it.  I do not see violence as the answer to anything.  I can't say that I believe totally in an eye for an eye.
I understand anger.  I understand wanting to kill someone else.  If a family member was harmed intentionally, I cannot say that I wouldn't see red and want to retaliate.  Left unchecked, I know I am capable of acting on those thoughts.  I know I would not hesitate to shoot an intruder into my home.  I know that I am capable of murder.
In the *heat* of emotion, I know that I am capable of almost anything.  So where is the line between myself and someone else who is angry and takes a gun killing any representation of their anger focus?  What makes me any different?
I am not sure.  That is a scary thought.  Maybe I haven't been pushed to that point.  Maybe I have never felt that much hate.

Foot in Mouth

Ever have this experience?  Wishing you could turn back time and take back the words you just uttered?  Sometimes it is because we realize that we just said something that really hurts someone else's feelings.  Sometimes it is just because we hear it and realize how stupid it sounds!
Take a moment, take a breath.  Try to stop and think before you speak.

Miss Jenn

I have said a few times that Miss Jenn is my Disciplinarian.  I have the pleasure of working with her not only on my own issues but also as a second bottom in some of the sessions.  This is a woman who truly cares about the clients that she sees.  She delights in her art-work.  Taking an unmarked bottom and coloring it with the shades of red that please her most at that moment.
I have been spanked by many Women over the years.  She is the only professional disciplinarian I have ever seen.  I cannot compare her to any other professional disciplinarian.  I can compare her to the Tops, Dommes, Mistresses and professional Dominatrices that have spanked me.  Each of them were friends at the time and all of them enjoyed spanking.  Miss Jenn  definitely measures up to them and surpasses some!
When I met Miss Jenn for the first time, I was literally shaking from nerves.  For the first time ever, she was someone that I didn't know ahead of time.  I had no idea of her style and very little idea of her personality.  I had chosen not to just meet with her first and set a time for a spanking later.  For each of us, we were going into this without ever seeing the other's face.  There had been a short phone call and a couple of emails in the way of introduction and contact.
I felt so vulnerable.  It is very different going over the knee of someone you know and have seen spanking others.  Taking that step to go ahead with the spanking felt like jumping into the deep end of the pool and not being confident in my swimming skills.  Miss Jenn knows and understands this about the new people she sees.  She just has a way with others, the know-how to put them at ease with her.
For those of you who have been thinking about scheduling a session with her, I encourage you to just do it.  She knows her stuff, she knows people and she certainly knows spanking!

Judas

What an incredible evening!  We went and saw the play, Judas Iscariot.  Talk about profound!  It was about Judas in purgatory and having a criminal trial.  The theater was small and intimate.  At times, the actors were inches away from me.
This play is unlike any I have ever seen.  It had the ability to take me on an emotional roller coaster ride.  It is loosely historically based on the Bible.  It is also brought right into modern times and oh so relevant.  It made me laugh.  It made me cry.  It made me stop and think, reflecting on my own life and beliefs.
For me it called on a search of myself and what I believe about judgment as well as forgiveness.  It took a look at the depths that despair can take a soul.  As *deep* as all of that sounds, this play had me laughing hysterically.  I was not alone in this.  The audience was masterfully brought into the experience.  As an audience, we willingly participated.
It was a night out with friends that was enjoyable from beginning to end!

Pain & Judgment

After a couple of days of things going better than normal physically, I am having a rough day today.  The pain is over the top.  A part of me would like to curl up and try to sleep past the pain.  Until I started experiencing pain all the time, I never realized just how exhausting physical pain is.  It has a way of absolutely draining strength.
When I am physically drained it can be difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything.  I also have noticed that I have to work hard on my attitude.  Pain can trigger a short temper.  I am very careful with my responses.  Also, I often check with others about how I am coming across to them.  I am not an angry type person.  At the same time, I know that the pain on my face can be misinterpreted as anger.  As it is, my silence is often misjudged by others and that frustrates me at times.  I don't want the pain that I cannot hide to also be misinterpreted.
We each have out own unique challenges and struggles.  No one is immune.  It seems to be far too easy to judge others simply on outward appearance.  Whether we like it or not, our society is one of judgment.  Sometimes all people see is the outside.  I have been labeled a bitch so many times.  It has been completely based on my frequent silences.  I have been accused of thinking myself somehow better than others, simply because I am quiet.  I wonder sometimes what that says about the person who judges me that way.  What is going on in their life that makes them see my quietness as a negative type judgment?
Where is the line between hiding my pain and explaining myself?  I think for me it is determined by the relationship that I have with the other person.  If I value the relationship, I am more open to explaining myself.  I am more open then to even admitting that I am in pain.  I do have a tendency to try and hide the physical pain I am experiencing, even with those closest to me.  Some of it is pride.  Some of it is not wanting pity.  Some of it is not wanting to complain.  I think all of it is trying to just put my best foot forward at all times.

Stressful times and Good Friends

I went and saw the movie The secret lives of pets, today.  Parts of it had me laughing like crazy.  Spending time with a couple of friends while there just added to the fun.  I saw the personalities of some of my pets both past and present in this movie.  It brought up some great memories.
Doing something like this just makes all the stress slide to the back.  I was able to relax, laugh and totally forget about any and all of the stresses in my life.  It is so important to find things like this that you can do to counter those stressful times.  For me it is a breath of fresh air that is so needed and welcomed.
Yesterday, I also had the same sort of experience.  I was able to spend time with Miss Jenn.  We did some spanking, made a few videos, got caught up on what has been going on in our lives and laughed and laughed.  It is awesome to have someone in your life that you can totally be yourself with.  I am blessed to have many friends like that.  Time spent with them is very precious.
Miss Jenn is also my disciplinarian and Momma Jenn in ageplay.  When she points and says, *take your jeans off*, there is no hesitation.  We are good friends and have a many faceted relationship.  There is never a dull moment for sure.  It is easy for me to go from being her submissive to being her friend.  There is an easy flow between us that we each nurture.
Mickey is my Dominant and my life partner.  With her, I can be myself, the good, bad and the ugly.  She accepts where I am, encourages me, and loves me through it all.  I do the same for her.  She is my best friend!  This relationship didn't just appear, we have worked hard at it over the years and it has been worth every giggle and tear.
Friendship doesn't just happen.  Like so many things, it must be worked at, fed and nurtured.  Having a close friend or two is worth the time and effort.  The blessings and joy it brings is something that money could never buy.  Being able to turn to a friend during stressful times is a great gift.  I encourage you to nurture your friendships.  I don't think you will be disappointed.

Sliver of Light

I enjoy reading most things from Jeff Brown.  He encourages people to care for one another as well as themselves.  Society today has become one of isolation in a lot of ways, in my opinion.
When I am deeply stressed or hurting, I tend to go inward.  So many of us were taught that we have to be strong.  Being strong doesn't necessarily mean going it alone.  Being strong doesn't mean pretending there is nothing wrong, either.  Sometimes, being strong is reaching out and saying, *I can't do this anymore*, and allowing the other person to reach back and stand with you.

Land of the Free, Home of the Brave

I wish that I lived in a world where love was enough.  A world where all lives matter.  A world that didn't judge by skin color.  I wish I lived in a world where the actions of one was not automatically tied to an entire group.
From the race conflicts in the 60s, I would think that we would have grown up by now, but we haven't.  My father was a racist.  His views were very hard to swallow.  At a very young age, all I saw were people.  Men and women.  I judged them on the evil that I did or didn't see in them.  My judgment was through the actions I saw.  I didn't buy into my father's hate.
So many people now seem to want a reason to hate.  Whether it is gender, sexuality, race, religion, occupation.... they want some reason to fight, harm, degrade, ridicule and yes, murder.  To say that this saddens me doesn't even come close to expressing the deep sadness that I feel.
We live in a world of terrorism.  We live in a country that sadly also terrorizes those who are different or get classed in some group.  The threat of terror attacks from other hate groups from other nations, is real.  Right now I feel like those groups can just sit back and watch us destroy one another out of hate and prejudice.
I am not looking for paradise, just peace.  Living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, it would be nice to actually see that freedom for all.  It would be wonderful to see bravery in action.  Standing up for what you believe in, is bravery.  Acknowledging the differences between yourself and others is also bravery.  Allowing others to be different is freedom in action.
America is bound in chains.  Chains of our own making.  Chains hardened by hate and prejudices.  Only love and acceptance can break those chains.  Violence is never the answer.

Perception

I like optical illusion type things.  The colors in this one make me smile.  There is so much that can be done with colors and shapes.  I have been doing a lot of coloring lately and came across this picture.  I really like the way it appears to move.
I am reminded that some things in life look like they are going a certain way and then at closer inspection, things seem to have shifted.  We don't even always know why they have shifted.  We don't even always understand how or why they did, we just know that something changed.
The perception from which we look at things can be altered by so many other forces.  In the picture it is from color and shape.  In our lives, it can be emotions, other people, and so many other things.  I believe it is okay to change our perception and to allow it to be altered.  So few of the things in our life are written in stone.  Fewer still can be only seen from one view point.  There are so many different aspects to the things in our lives.

Need for Approval

I have been thinking about something today.  Over my life time, I have struggled with the issue of needing approval from others.  As I have gotten older, the *need* for this has changed.  As a child, teen and young adult, it was pretty huge in my life.  The desire to be accepted was a driving factor in my life for a long time.
It is hard to remember when I finally felt the freedom to just be myself.  Up until then, who I was changed somewhat with each person or group I was involved with.  The motivation behind it all was just the need to be accepted.
I never felt that I was good enough.  There was no feeling that I actually belonged.  I had a few friends, but no real close friends.  My life was filled with a lot of secrecy because of all the abuses at home.  I think because of this, who I was, wasn't ever exposed let alone seen by others.
I was rejected by the mother I grew up with, right from the start.  I knew early on that she didn't like me or want me.  At such a young age, I started searching for a mother figure that would simply just accept me.
Now in my life, I accept myself.  That truth is what I believe has stopped that huge need for acceptance from others.  I am not perfect.  I accept my flaws and weaknesses.  I understand that I am just me.  All I can ever be is *me*, and that is okay.

For laughs!

Sometimes in life there comes a point where ya just have had enough.  It might be an ex or a family member that has just pushed too far.  We simply *don't care* anymore.

I thought this picture expresses that wonderfully!

Made me laugh, hopefully it put a smile on yours as well.

This Idiot!

This *idiot* is a neighbor man.  Basically, he stalks us.  Today, a different neighbor pulled Mickey aside to ask her if she knew that this idiot was coming into our backyard AND taking pictures!  He doesn't like Mickey at all.  She has never been unkind to him.  He seems to have a problem with lesbians.  Well, at least those that look butch anyway.
This man is an agent of our landlord.  He has violated our rights and caused numerous violations of our lease.  This last tidbit of information was the last straw for me.  My response was that if I ever see him in my completely fenced off backyard, I will shoot him!  I am livid.
I have asked Mickey if she thinks we can get a restraining order against him.  We sure would like to.  He walks onto our property anytime he wants to, even after being told to stay away.  He makes all of us very uncomfortable.  I do not feel very *safe*.  Our daughter is intimidated by him.  He makes things pretty miserable.
If I had seen him today, I know I would have gone off.  With my luck I would have seen red and said things I really shouldn't.... like, that I will shoot him.

Happy 4th of July!

A day to celebrate the things we love best about America.  Freedom!

This is a page that I did for the 4th of July.  Hope everyone has an awesome day filled with the very best.  It doesn't matter if you spend the day alone or with friends - just make it your own!  Hell, it doesn't even matter if you live in the USA.  It is still the fourth day of July, and any day can be a good day.  Celebrate the freedoms you do have.  Remember those who went to fight and died for those freedoms.  Spread some joy and happiness.  Love yourself and those around you.  Make the day, yours!

Thankful For Spanking

In my life I have a partner who is also my Dominant/Daddie and Top.  I  have a Disciplinarian also, who sometimes interacts with me from the point of view of a parent.  Two women in my life who care very much about me.  Both of them enjoy spanking me.  I enjoy being spanked.
I am given the freedom to age-play pretty much whenever I want to.  Both of them slip into the parental role very easily.  They keep me safe.  They allow me to exist in whatever head space I am in.

In this time of huge stress and so many things going wrong in my life, I have been practicing being thankful.  I know that some people really would love to find a spanking partner and I have been blessed with 2!  I live within a set of rules and have come to enjoy it.  With the two of them, I know what to expect and that is reassuring to me.
I am blessed in that I do not have to keep secrets.  There is nothing that my partner does not know about me.  Many spankos do not have even one person they can be themselves with.  I am totally *out* when it comes to my love of spanking.  Those that know me, know about it.  Far too many do not have this freedom.
I am so thankful that spanking works with me the way that it does.  It draws me closer to my partner.  Spanking centers me again.  Spanking can be a huge stress reliever.  For me it is also a form of affection.  That would sound very strange to a non-spanko.  It sure doesn't have anything to do with hitting.  It has everything to do with an intimate connection.

Magic