Pain & Judgment

After a couple of days of things going better than normal physically, I am having a rough day today.  The pain is over the top.  A part of me would like to curl up and try to sleep past the pain.  Until I started experiencing pain all the time, I never realized just how exhausting physical pain is.  It has a way of absolutely draining strength.
When I am physically drained it can be difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything.  I also have noticed that I have to work hard on my attitude.  Pain can trigger a short temper.  I am very careful with my responses.  Also, I often check with others about how I am coming across to them.  I am not an angry type person.  At the same time, I know that the pain on my face can be misinterpreted as anger.  As it is, my silence is often misjudged by others and that frustrates me at times.  I don't want the pain that I cannot hide to also be misinterpreted.
We each have out own unique challenges and struggles.  No one is immune.  It seems to be far too easy to judge others simply on outward appearance.  Whether we like it or not, our society is one of judgment.  Sometimes all people see is the outside.  I have been labeled a bitch so many times.  It has been completely based on my frequent silences.  I have been accused of thinking myself somehow better than others, simply because I am quiet.  I wonder sometimes what that says about the person who judges me that way.  What is going on in their life that makes them see my quietness as a negative type judgment?
Where is the line between hiding my pain and explaining myself?  I think for me it is determined by the relationship that I have with the other person.  If I value the relationship, I am more open to explaining myself.  I am more open then to even admitting that I am in pain.  I do have a tendency to try and hide the physical pain I am experiencing, even with those closest to me.  Some of it is pride.  Some of it is not wanting pity.  Some of it is not wanting to complain.  I think all of it is trying to just put my best foot forward at all times.

And...Life goes on.

 Wondering where my thoughts will take me tonight...

Right now I can not be spanked because the hip I fell on keeps swelling up repeatedly.  Daily the pain sky-rockets and it usually hurts more to sit than to stand.  ER doctors see the problem, my doctor says there is nothing wrong.  It all sucks.  Being spanked always makes my world a little better.  The fact that my doctor won't help me is effecting me on multiple levels.  Physically and emotionally I feel like she is putting me through hell.  And... life goes on.
I wonder sometimes how others deal with physical pain.  I have an entire tool chest of things that I can do.  I use multiple methods to try to keep the pain at a manageable level.  When my tool box is emptied then often the tears will fall.  It is frustrating to never be pain free.  And... life goes on.
There are times when we are just dealt a rotten hand in our lives.  I am not a card player but even I know when it is time to fold.  There comes a time when I feel like I must just choose to sit this one out because I see no other solution.  When I have done everything I know to do and nothing changes, I know I am wasting my energy.  That is never a good thing.  And... Life goes on.
See, that is the thing.  Whether we actively participate or not, whether we like it or not, life keeps moving forward.  Do we want to waste our time and energy fighting a losing battle?  Do we really want to stay in the same vicious circle?  At what point do we call it quits and break the cycle?  I get tired of the same old fight but ya know what?  Life is going to keep going on and we do have a choice of where to concentrate our energy.

Pride in pain

Take pride in your pain, you are stronger than those who have none.... Lois Lowry

Many times in this past year I have been told that I am very strong.  Repeatedly told that I am stronger than I think.  Those words coming from someone I care about and who I know cares about me, holds some weight for me.  I lean toward believing them and accepting it as truth.
But, what do they see that I don't?
Anyone who spends a significant amount of time around me will see that I am in physical pain.  It is difficult to hide for very long.  Depending on what I am doing, I can present myself as pain free and able bodied for a little while.   After awhile though, my body gives me away.  No matter how hard I try, pain breaks through and my movements give it away.  Is it that they see that I am in pain and that I try to pretend that it isn't there, that makes me strong in their eyes?  Is there strength in trying to be *normal*?
I am stubborn.  Even though I have limitations, I still try to do everything for myself.  Pushing myself hard, feels like a must for me.  More than once recently I have been ordered to sit down.   I have been told that I could go on the shopping trip but only if I agreed to be in my wheelchair so it wouldn't exhaust me.  It is difficult for me to ask for help and more difficult to accept it most days.  I want to be able to do things myself.  That is not always the best for me.  It doesn't stop me from trying.  Being the person who has to be watched over and protected just doesn't sit well with me most days.  Is watching me try anyway, the thing that makes others tell me that I am strong?  Is there strength in trying?
Recently, I fell.  My hip moved in a wrong way for just a split second.  My leg would no longer hold me up, and I went down.   Two people were there and it scared them both.  Mickey was one of them and she was able to grab a hold of me enough that I didn't land hard.  To top it off, my body did what it does in response to things like that sometimes.  The nerves go completely out of control and leave me with little to no control over what my leg will do.  It brings with it, the worst pain of all and a lot of embarrassment.  I want to be back up and on my own two feet as soon as possible.  Of course, no one else wants that for me right then.  Is it that others see the lack of fear in me to try again, that makes them say I am strong?  Is there strength in facing the fear head on?
I've only looked at the physical sensation of pain.  We all know that there is emotional pain as well that can hurt even more so.  Pain can be the thing that shows the true colors of an individual.  Most who are in pain do not see themselves as strong by any means.  I sure don't.  The quote is about having hope in the pain.  Being encouraged that you are strong enough to deal with it.

Which way is Up?

I haven't smoked pot in a year until last night.  It is legal here.  The pain in my body grew uncontrollable.  Physical pain that stays and grows in intensity can leave a person wondering, *which way is up?*  This is not the *nice* pain that can flood a person with endorphins. No, this is the sort that feels like an all out assault on the body.
Physical pain and emotional pain are connected... well, can be.  The emotions manifesting themselves physically.  Feeling stressed and all the muscles tense, the same with anxiety and fear.  When these get all twisted up inside me while I am trying to fight and relieve the pain, I am often left wondering which way is up.  I dont get a break from physical pain.  What I do get is different degrees of intensity.  I feel fortunate that the over the top, I want to pull my hair out and scream pain rarely happens more than once a week.  When physical pain rises, it can push itself right to the front of everything and it is all I see.  At that point nothing is seen except through pain-filled glasses.  Those points for me are crazy!  Like that, I am trying not to snap at anyone.  I am trying to hold myself together and convince myself that eventually one of the methods I am using to bring pain levels down is gonna work.  I am trying not to be grumpy with my dogs who want to be on my lap, in my chair, every step of these little dogs bringing more pain.  Ok, so sometimes I am resisting the urge to toss one of them from my chair.  (I have 4 chihuahuas and I would never hurt them) They don't know that juggling for their normal spot, laying against me, is hurting me.
Chronic pain is frustrating.  For those of us with *invisible* diseases and disorders we often don't know the cause of the pain and have no way of controlling it.  We don't know when the symptom of pain is going to hit.  There is no formula to show us how bad it is going to be this time, how high the levels might go or how long they will stay so high.  It can feel hopeless.  We can't point to a certain thing that brought on the pain.  And we know that getting through this episode is unlikely to be the last.  It sure isn't like surgery where they go in take care of the problem and there is the pain with recovery, that does have an end.  It *feels* hopeless at times, but it is not hopeless.  It isn't a curse.  I wouldn't call it a blessing either.  It is a part of our lives that can make us emotional, grumpy and very much fatigued. It is ok to be there and not know which way is up.  It is not okay to be there and be an asshole.  Pain is not an excuse to lash out at others.  We can feel out of control and not become out of control.
In the midst of a pain flare-up, it is best not to be making too many decisions. Not knowing which way is up, because it is all colored by pain, is definitely going to have an effect on decision making.  At least it does for me.  Others have said to me, *at least it is not like you have cancer and might die from it.*  They might be true, in part.  They judge what they can see.  Especially those who are asking me what's wrong with me when I am in my wheelchair.  They see a healthy woman.  They may even see a woman in pain.  But, to say that at least...blah, blah, blah... is so inconsiderate.  Only those the absolute closest to me know the whole story of what my body is doing and how it effects the quality and span of my life.
 The person you know that has chronic pain, keep in mind that you might not know the entire story or history going on there. We as the friends, siblings, co-workers, of someone living with chronic pain need to know that sometimes, the grip of pain is so tight that the person does not know which way is up right then.  The best way to help is just love them through it.  Be kind, try to understand and don't be a doormat.  When I am cranky because of pain, I am grateful that those around me understand the source and are willing to show me which way is up.  Mickey will say to me something like...* I think that might be the pain talking* or even, *I understand that you are in pain but that is not an excuse to act like that*