Thursday, June 30, 2016

In the Worst of Times...

Practicing my own words of advice.  Finding things to be thankful for regardless how small.  Thankful that my eyes allow me to see this page.  Thankful that I know how to read and write.  My math skills suck, but that is a different list, lol!  Thankful that my body functions without the use of machines.  Thankful that I have a wheelchair for when my legs won't carry me any further.  Thankful for pain meds that give me relief.  Thankful that there is a roof over my head to protect me from what nature dishes out.  Thankful that there is food in the kitchen and even food that I like.  Thankful that I was able to have the last shot from my favorite bottle of whiskey, Jameson, and don't judge me.  Thankful that my granddaughter will try almost anything once and that the dentist was able to cut the tiny lego piece off her tooth without damaging it!  Thankful that I am a grandma even if I became one before I even turned 40!
Even in the worst of times, there is always something to be thankful for.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Old People



*Grin*  That is so the truth!  I think that when you are 20, you can't even really imagine being 40.  We spend the earlier years of our lives wanting to grow up and the later years wanting to slow time down.  Until my body started really breaking down, I didn't think much about getting older.  Now, I have those days where I feel like I am 90.  I look at others who can move much freer than I can, especially those who are obviously older than I am, and I wonder how old they feel?
Most days, if I were asked, I would say that I feel about 27.  Not in my physical body, obviously, but in my thinking and acting.  If I am age-playing, then I am 7.  Those two numbers added together are still younger than I actually am!
I began getting a lot of gray hair when I turned 30 years old.  Up until then, I thought people with gray hair were old.  Funny how experiencing the same thing can effect your thinking on a subject.  The 20 somethings see us as old.  Our age may be up there in numbers, but *old* is much more about how we experience our life and not the number of our age.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Expressing Myself

A journey from the heart began as a book of poetry.  There was a time that I dug deep within myself to express what I couldn't seem to express in any other way.  Today, I have many more ways to express myself.  I have discovered so many different avenues for stress relief.  I have learned to be honest with myself and others about my feelings.  It took me time.  Having grown up in secrecy, it was difficult to tell anyone what I had been experiencing.  I learned to speak in codes and in rhyme.
Having more avenues to express myself feels like a huge gift.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

A Survivor






































This page is free for anyone to download and color.  An artist that I work with did it for me as a special request.
All of us are a survivor of something.  In your life it may not be abuse, rape, cancer, domestic violence, or something else along those lines.  We all have survived childhood.  When you stop and think about it, we are faced with challenges all the time.  Life is not always easy, for sure.  We have things to learn and things to do.  We are strong enough, we are survivors!

Keep Calm


Slow, meaningful swats applied to the bare bottom.  Giving time for each one to be felt before the next one is given.  Sometimes, this calm methodical type spanking can hit home more effectively than an all out, fast flurry of swats.
The fast and furious can and often does overwhelm the senses.  As a bottom myself, the fast volley of swats takes me to a place where I feel like I am hanging on and waiting for my body to catch up with the stinging pain.  Those are the times that I am often holding my breath and trying to just ride it out until it is over.
When the spanking is given slowly, my whole body responds differently.  The slower way can be anything from pleasure to punishment.  It can offer a slow increase in endorphins as the heat builds gradually.  It also can allow for the sting to be fully felt, like in a slow paddling.
My top may be upset with me over something but anger is never a part of the spanking.  Anger in my opinion should never play a role in any spanking or punishment.  Neither should real fear.  There has to be trust.
So, keep calm and spank on!

Friday, June 24, 2016

Just stuff

I see a new doctor in the morning and start all over again with my health care.  This new doctor use to be Mickey's doctor and knows a little about me.  Although her case load was full, she decided she wanted me.  Wanted the challenge, I guess.  She does know some about my physical history and the problems I face.  I hope this is a good new start.
The military doctors became a complete farce.  How one doctor can throw out all the diagnosis from others is beyond me.  But, that is what happened to me.  Veterans far too often are treated like shit.  I had been very fortunate up until this last doctor.  I couldn't really understand all the complaints from others because my experiences were all good.  Sadly, I had to learn first hand just how bad it can get.

On top of everything, now Mickey needs surgery again as well.  She has been in horrible pain with her hip for months now.  We know why and the only answer is surgery.  I want her to have the surgery.  I know that it will mean hardship for us at first.  I do think the surgery is for the best and I want the best for her.

I am hoping that everything that can go wrong with us already has.  I am hoping that better days are just ahead waiting for us.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

The days are difficult

I do wish that there was something to write about right now that wasn't stress related.  A part of me just wants to spill everything to this page for your eyes.  What we are going through as a family right now is the hardest most stressful time we have ever experienced.  Mickey and I are hanging onto one another and encouraging each other as best we can.
How do others deal with stress?  How do you deal with what seems like horrible things that come into your life?  How do you deal with the bad things that come one after the other after the other?

I am not normally a person who complains.  Not about the physical pain that is always with me.  Not about finances that are there or not there.  Not even about the every day sort of problems that arise from time to time.  I am pretty good at catching myself if complaints start and then shutting myself down.  I really do not believe that complaining solves anything.
For those of you reading this, I want you to know that since my fathers death, quite a few more, life altering things have happened in our lives.  Pray for us please.  Send good energy and positive thoughts our way if you can.
We really would appreciate it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Stress

Stress.  At the moment, stress is the food of every day.  Each moment is weighed down with it.  Seems that at every turn we find more stress just waiting for us.  I wish that it would stop.  It seems that stress has a mind of it's own.  It is a living breathing being of some sort that can never be killed.
It is time for something else to feed this life of mine.


Saturday, June 18, 2016

Where is the Justice?

Ya know, I was having an okay type evening and playing a game on facebook that I enjoy.  Then I went searching for something and *this* comes up on my facebook page:
http://www.watchthis.com/story/lifestyle/2016/06/15/california-father-rapes-and-murders-newborn-daughter?fb=wt

A 30 year old man raped and killed his 3 week old daughter while his wife was at work.  He pleaded guilty and made a deal and ended up only being sentenced to 50 years!  Where in the hell is the justice in that??  The baby was 19 days old.  Calling this *wrong* doesn't even come close to describing what this is!
What is wrong with our world?  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I have always asked the questions why? and how?  Why does a man look at a baby/child and think that is a good sexual partner?  How can a man look at a child/baby and still tell himself that it is ok to have sex with them?
That isn't just sick, it is evil!
I have said here that I was fully raped the first time when I was only 7 years old.  What I haven't really said is that I was used sexually way before the age of 7.  My earliest memory of sexual abuse is from when I was just 18 months old!
These men split our mouths open, split our bodies open, carve wounds into our souls and most get away with it.  This time they caught the person..... and he got 50 years?  Where is the justice in that?

Friday, June 17, 2016

My Opinion

Sometimes people do things that to me seem like a form of manipulation.  Like, you know they are upset with you and you ask them to please share their thoughts and feelings and they tell you that they need more time first.  I guess there are times where this might be valid.  But in a D/s relationship?  Is it ever okay to tell your Top that you won't share your thoughts and feelings when directly asked to?  That idea just doesn't sit very well with me.
I have said that I need a few minutes to pull myself together a little, and then shared what I was feeling.  But, ignoring the Top?  Deliberately putting off the discussion?  I really don't think it is a good idea.  Maybe it is just me.
Are we ever suppose to withhold ourselves from our Top?  In the case I stated here, I think the bottom is in a way trying to also punish the Top.  Manipulate and punish...not good.  Maybe it is just this person's way of sorting through feelings and even stepping back to look at the relationship.  I still think it is wrong.  Just my opinion.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Getting Away

Spent a few days in Seattle.  It was time to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet.  It was a time of recharging and destressing.  Mickey and I needed it so much.  Last night we walked around the Seattle Center and the space needle at sunset.  Talk about gorgeous.  There wasn't many people out.  It was dry and on the cool side.
I do like how sometimes just getting out of your day to day environment can help give a new perspective on things.  I came home ready to face the chaos that is our life right now.  At the moment I can see an end in sight.  Soon, hopefully, we will have our home back the way that we like it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

You deserve a Spanking



This is one of the things that |I do enjoy about living in a D/s household.  Of course there is always the playful bratting now and again.  There is also, the reward spankings.  Spankings given simply for pleasure.  Not a punishment or correction.  Not a maintenance or reminder.  Just a sweet reward given for pleasure.
Playful bratting and being spanked for it is a lot of fun.  That slap against my bottom as I walk past her, always brings a grin.  But, when she tells me that I have been so good and will get a good girl spanking, my heart just sings.  I know it will be on the bare, it always is.  I know my backside will end up red and so wonderfully warm.  I will know without looking that there is a smile on her face too.  It is a fun time.  It is often a very intimate time as well.
When I was brought into the bdsm lifestyle, one of the things that I was told was to ask for a spanking rather than trying to force one to happen.  I was told to simply, ask.  The bratting was unwelcome and unwanted.  My need to be spanked was understood and taken into consideration.  At the same time, I was taught that with this person, spanking was more of a reward.  At first, it seemed so wrong to me to ask.  Wasn't there suppose to be a situation or event that calls for a spanking?  Something like, doing A + B = C?  Nope, in that relationship, it was that I was to state that I was feeling the need to be spanked.  When it could be done, it was.
I have carried some of this early training over into my relationship with Mickey as well.  I still play around her and push those buttons that I know will likely lead to a spanking.  I also simply just ask.  Hearing her say too that she thinks it is time for a good girl spanking, is oh so wonderful!

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Stand in Love


50 people were killed.  Beyond that, nothing matters.  It is not 50 gay people, 50 people of Hispanic decent, 50 lesbians, 50 bi-sexual people.  It is simply 50 people!
This recent attack, breaks my heart.  The fact that love is met with such hate is far beyond my comprehension.  Tragically, I have seen things online where others are saying they deserved to die.  When did being alive become a crime?  At what point did loving someone come with a death sentence?
When our souls open up in love to another person, it is the purest deepest sort of love there is.  Our hearts choose who we love.  When that choice has come from deep inside, love does not care what gender, race, or religion is involved.  It only sees through love.
It has been said that all it takes for evil to thrive is for good to do nothing.  I also say that all it takes for hate to grow is for love to do nothing!
Stand in love.  Put love out into our world.  Begin where you are and let it flow from you.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Tomorrow is another chance.


Sometimes it is hard to remember that as difficult as today is, tomorrow is an opportunity to try again.  Failure comes when we decide to just quit.  It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters how many times we get back up!
At the moment, my life is hard.  The struggles and stresses are not letting up.  It does take energy and courage to keep going.  As long as I am trying, I am still fighting for a solution.  My calm has been completely shattered in my home.  It feels right now like it will never end.  The feeling of being completely out of control in my own home is pushing insanity closer to me.  The solution is that all these extra people move out..... If only it were that simple.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Sounding Off

At the moment, this life that I am living is filled with stresses that I wish were not there.  Daily I am faced with things that seem impossible to work through.  I feel like I have reached my breaking point.  None of it is pleasant.  There doesn't seem to be much in the way of solutions. It is hard!
Being a parent is not always fun or pleasant.  Having adult children sure has not made life easier, at least not right now.  I am not sure what to do when they present more and more problems in our life.  They want our help and keep causing chaos, stress and misery for us.  They have a sense of entitlement that I cannot figure out where it came from.  I just want it all to end.
I am grounded enough to understand that life is not always easy or fair.  What do you do when 99% of the stress is coming from outside of the core unit?  At what point do you stand up and say enough!?  Where do you draw the line of not caring anymore?  How much abuse can one heart take?  How much disrespect is too much?  How much pain do you allow before you just leave?
My thoughts have gone to very dark places recently.  All of it has been done because of things that are being done to me right now.  The dark thoughts have come from not knowing any longer how to deal with the hell that is happening in my own home.  It doesn't feel like it is my home anymore.  It sure isn't my sanctuary anymore.  It is an impossible situation and with all of me, I want it to end.

Go Ahead and Knock!


I SO would love to have this sign for my front door!  We have a no soliciting sign but most seem to ignore it.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Not Weak



It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters that we get back up!

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Knowing Me

Here online it is far too easy to think that you know someone because you follow them, read their blog, see them in a video, etc.  Knowing a person is something that takes time.  It takes developing a relationship and applying a commitment to that process.  Never will we truly know another completely.  My partner surprises me often with new things about herself.
If you want to know someone, take the time to develop a mutual friendship with that person.  Knowing another means that both people actually want to know one another.  Crazy thing about being online is it can lead to one person believing they have a relationship with someone else online who actually doesn't even know they exist.  Knowing a name, knowing their work, in no way means that you know that person.
Keep it real!  Develop real relationships with one another.  It is a beautiful dance done together, slowly and hopefully gracefully.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

What Hurt You The Most?




I don't remember the name of the program that generated this message for me.  All I did was insert my first name one day last week and this is the comments/card that was generated for me.
As I read it I was a little stunned by the message because it seriously hit home with me.  Dealing with the death of my father who also was one of my abusers has really forced me to face some hard truths.
Growing up, even with the abuses and rage and alcoholism, I adored my father.  He was a lot of horrible things but I still was given those times of being Daddy's beloved little girl.  I was special to him for a lot of wrong reasons.  When I was young, I didn't understand that at all.  I defended him fiercely.  He was the parent who took care of me and showed me kindness.  He was also the monster of my nightmares.
This card that was generated seconds after I put in my name and no other information, hit my feelings on the nose.  In some ways it applies to both parents that I grew up with.  What I know is that I am a stronger person now.  I don't like what I had to go through but I know that all of it has contributed to the woman I am today.

Being Spanked

Tonight Mickey and I slipped away from the chaos in our home with all the extra people living with us.  We spent time reconnecting in quietness and included a spanking in that.  It helps us each so much.  Spanking brings different things to each of us, but they are needed and welcome in our lives.  A spanking connects us in a way that absolutely nothing else does.  It draws us closer.  It relieves stress.  It brings fulfillment to both of us.  In those few minutes it all about us.  Nothing else exists. It is her hand and my bottom and a connection unlike any other.
I think that unless you are somehow involved in the spanking world, you just can't understand.  For us, most of the time, it is a sharing of love.  It is in a different form and we both get pleasure from it.  I have never been spanked against my will.  There has never been a time that I have said *no* and a spanking was given any way.  My consent is always looked for and needed.  There is no abuse here.
As a bottom to Mickey and to Jenn, I am respected, always.  My limits are respected.  My permission is sought.  It is always, something I want and something they give.

Monday, June 6, 2016

In the Present



As a person with PTSD, this message is important to me.  I am often reminded of my past when I do not want to be.  I also use to have a lot of fear about having a flashback.  At times I felt bombarded by the pain from memories and the fear that it would strike me again at anytime.  Living like that can mean that the *right now* gets lost on me.  I have had times where I was so afraid that I would be triggered by something, that I wouldn't want to go anywhere.  I missed out on outings because of fear of what might happen.
The message really is about getting things into perspective.  We all have a past.  We all have painful memories.  If we are dwelling on them so much that we cannot enjoy the right now, we are missing out.  If we spend a lot of time worrying about what might happen, how can we enjoy what is happening at the moment?
The past is past and the future isn't here yet.  All we have is right now.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Breathe, Trust, Let Go


With all of the curve balls life throws at us, this is sometimes all we can do!  Even the best laid plans can go completely wrong.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Feeling Worthless


Most of us, I am sure, have days like this.  Feeling that our worth is buried somewhere deeply under the earth.  On our own scale of worthiness, we just don't measure up.  Feeling that I am not worth the time or attention of someone else, is something that has plagued me far too frequently.  The words, *you are worthless* were directed at me far more than *I love you* or any praise.
That feeling of worthlessness can hold me in place like cement.  The words of others do very little to break through that strong hold.  I don't even know what does break that hold.  Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from self-pity.  In those cases, I eventually come to my senses and kick myself in the ass.  I can and do tell myself to knock it off.
Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from having made bad choices or from letting others down.  It seems to come out of a sense of, (or even real) failure on my part.  When my choices effect others negatively or in a bad way, worthlessness can jump in and grab a hold of me.  I am very capable of beating myself up far worse than anyone else could do.  I am my worst critic.  It can become so easy to dwell on all the failures, thus fueling the feelings of worthlessness.
There has to come a point where I stand up and tell myself, Enough!  Acknowledging my failures, taking ownership of them and moving forward to fix the problems or put them behind me.  We all make bad choices.  We all make choices that end up hurting others.  Just make amends and move forward.  Apologize if need be, take the steps to make things right if you can, and put it behind you.  Stop the pity parties with worthlessness.  Evict those feelings permanently!

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Lies and Deceit

Sometimes someone does something that makes us angry.  Sometimes, they do the same thing over and over again and our anger grows.  Each time it happens and we work through it, we hope it is the last time.  We hope that they will never do it again.  We hope for a new beginning.
This sure seems like the pattern you would see in an abusive relationship.  Where one person hits the other, apologies are made, bruises heal, hearts mend and the relationship holds together. Promises are made.  The *victim* hopes it is a new beginning and that it will never happen again. And, then it does and the cycle begins again.
There are some things that in my opinion should never be in a relationship.  Abuse is one of them.  No one deserves that.  Physical and emotional abuse are crimes.  I am sure that we all would agree with those statements.  What about secrecy and deceit?  Do those things belong in a relationship?  If secrecy and deceit become a pattern in a relationship, is that abuse?  I would guess that when those things are repeatedly in a relationship it is in no way a healthy relationship.  At least one person is always being harmed.
Being continually lied to breaks trust.  Lies destroy respect. When it becomes a pattern, it eats like a cancer at every part of the relationship.  Depending on what the lies actually are, they can also eat at and destroy many other things in the lives of the people.  Lies, deceit and secrecy, harms all involved.
All of my life I was lied to.  I was forced to live with the lies and the secrecy and it hurt me in so many ways.  Things were kept from me.  I joined in on the secrecy and kept the horrible secrets of what was really happening behind the scenes.  My life was a lie.  Dealing with the lies is hurting like hell at this moment.  I have every right to be angry.  Yet, I am not.  I am deeply hurting and the strikes of pain from deceit and lies are still landing on me.  I am not sure how to heal.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

A time of age-play

A few days ago Miss Jenn and I got together for some age-play.  It is a time that we both enjoy.  It is not scripted in any way.  Often it is simply a time of being together in the roles of parent and child.  Both of us seem to very easily slip into those roles with one another.  It is a time that is not forced and just flows.
Rarely am I spanked when I am little Crie.  That part of me may be extremely stubborn and willful yet rarely is there a need for physical discipline.  The little me is eager to please her and wants her approval and praise.  Those times in age-play are more often filled with laughter and warmth.  It is a relaxing, nurturing, healing sort of time.
This time, I was spanked.  It was needed, not so much because of me acting out though.  It was needed more as a re-connection with her.  For me, even as a little, it is a form of love and caring.  With all that has been happening in my life over these past couple of months, I needed that spanking.  It was in no way severe.  It was not long or drawn out and it brought me to the place where I let go and cried.  My tears had absolutely nothing to do with the spanking itself.  The tears had everything to do with all the emotional turmoil I had been experiencing.  Over her lap is a place where I feel safe and protected.  It was a place that I needed to be to let go of the iron grip I had on my emotions and just let them be expressed.  I was safe enough to cry.
I am so fortunate that I have Mickey and Jenn that understand and provide that safe place for me.