Feeling Worthless

Most of us, I am sure, have days like this.  Feeling that our worth is buried somewhere deeply under the earth.  On our own scale of worthiness, we just don't measure up.  Feeling that I am not worth the time or attention of someone else, is something that has plagued me far too frequently.  The words, *you are worthless* were directed at me far more than *I love you* or any praise.
That feeling of worthlessness can hold me in place like cement.  The words of others do very little to break through that strong hold.  I don't even know what does break that hold.  Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from self-pity.  In those cases, I eventually come to my senses and kick myself in the ass.  I can and do tell myself to knock it off.
Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from having made bad choices or from letting others down.  It seems to come out of a sense of, (or even real) failure on my part.  When my choices effect others negatively or in a bad way, worthlessness can jump in and grab a hold of me.  I am very capable of beating myself up far worse than anyone else could do.  I am my worst critic.  It can become so easy to dwell on all the failures, thus fueling the feelings of worthlessness.
There has to come a point where I stand up and tell myself, Enough!  Acknowledging my failures, taking ownership of them and moving forward to fix the problems or put them behind me.  We all make bad choices.  We all make choices that end up hurting others.  Just make amends and move forward.  Apologize if need be, take the steps to make things right if you can, and put it behind you.  Stop the pity parties with worthlessness.  Evict those feelings permanently!

Outlook On Life

"Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself."

  I wish I remembered where I read this quote.  It stuck with me, actually, because I don't think I agree with it, lol.  Working at having a positive attitude toward life, in general, is important to me.  I believe that life is filled with good things, amazing things, incredible opportunities to grow and learn, wonderful people and so much love.  If I were to make a list that consists of all the good around me and in my life, it would be so much longer than the things that I consider bad in my life.
Most days, I would likely say that I do not like myself very much.

I really don't think that my outlook on life has much, if any, correlation to how much I like or dislike myself.

 I have failed repeatedly at a lot of things.  I struggle with self image issues, Right now I would likely be throwing a fit if I were asked to list things I like about myself.  Listing what I don't like would be easier.  I am hard on myself.  I tend toward not being very kind to myself.  Being Judge, Jury and Executioner with myself is more common and is much easier than being my own cheerleader or praising myself for anything.  I have my times of believing that I am worthless.  I struggle so much with others offering to help me, or giving me a gift, because I don't feel worth their time or attention.

So, if that quote has any truth to it, why then is my outlook on life and my ability to like myself so much at odds with one another?  Am I somehow lying to myself about how I really feel? - I sure don't think so.

I believe that people have worth, simply because they are a person.  I believe that others are worth my time and attention.  I believe others deserve the benefit of a doubt.  I believe others are lovable.  I believe they have potential.  I believe that if they make a mistake, they can be forgiven.  I believe they deserve a second chance.  I can feel love for the person and still hate what they have done.  I can correct someone out of love.  I can commit to a relationship.  I can be upset with someone and stick around to work it out, stick with the relationship and work to resolve the issue.  I don't give up on people easily.  I welcome helping when I can.  I can and do encourage others.
For myself though... believing someone else can or will do all of that with me?  Believing I am *worth something* to someone else?  *Shaking my head here*  Maybe I am an alien?

Maybe, just maybe, all of the dislike (or much of it) for myself, really comes from the past and the way I was treated and spoken to.  In my head I can still hear the voice of my mother telling me I am worthless.  I still hear her talking about how ugly I am.  I still feel the horrible guilt for hitting her and being responsible for destroying anything good that might have been possible in that relationship.  I still feel and take the blame for that.
Wow, I just realized that I am afraid of being rejected and thrown away if I mess up.  Damn, I am afraid that a certain person won't step in and discipline me.  I haven't had the experience of doing something wrong yet so that I know how she will respond. (You know who you are)  This revelation has helped make a few things I am feeling, make sense.  A foundation of trust is being built, isn't it?  I won't know and won't believe it, can't accept it as fact, until or unless it actually happens.

I believe life is good.  I like being alive.  I believe it is never too late to learn, to experience, to explore.  Now, I need to believe that it applies to me too.  It is not too late for me to learn and for me to experience new things.