Finding Ourselves

I like this saying.  In a life that can become very ordered and organized, sometimes getting lost is a great thing to have happen.  It is often those unexpected things that really show us who we are.  I have a difficult time with change.  I like knowing what to expect or what happens next.  When someone or something throws a wrench into that, I have been known to freak, lol!  But, it is those times that usually also help me find myself.  They have a way of uncovering or exposing my growth or lack of it in some areas.
Sometimes, for me, the getting lost part is me heading under headphones and listening to favorite music.  I get lost in the music.  It changes my attitude almost always.  Most of the time it sends me for pen and paper and I write.
Occasionally,  getting lost and finding myself happens when I color.  Coloring is so much more than a pass time of childhood.  Coloring brings a calmness.  Coloring works a lot like meditation for me.
I am sure we all have those times of seeking ourselves, needing answers, etc.  We each have different ways of accomplishing that as well.  Use what works for you.  Now, go get lost!

Foot in Mouth

Ever have this experience?  Wishing you could turn back time and take back the words you just uttered?  Sometimes it is because we realize that we just said something that really hurts someone else's feelings.  Sometimes it is just because we hear it and realize how stupid it sounds!
Take a moment, take a breath.  Try to stop and think before you speak.

Sliver of Light

I enjoy reading most things from Jeff Brown.  He encourages people to care for one another as well as themselves.  Society today has become one of isolation in a lot of ways, in my opinion.
When I am deeply stressed or hurting, I tend to go inward.  So many of us were taught that we have to be strong.  Being strong doesn't necessarily mean going it alone.  Being strong doesn't mean pretending there is nothing wrong, either.  Sometimes, being strong is reaching out and saying, *I can't do this anymore*, and allowing the other person to reach back and stand with you.

Tomorrow is another chance.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that as difficult as today is, tomorrow is an opportunity to try again.  Failure comes when we decide to just quit.  It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters how many times we get back up!
At the moment, my life is hard.  The struggles and stresses are not letting up.  It does take energy and courage to keep going.  As long as I am trying, I am still fighting for a solution.  My calm has been completely shattered in my home.  It feels right now like it will never end.  The feeling of being completely out of control in my own home is pushing insanity closer to me.  The solution is that all these extra people move out..... If only it were that simple.

Go Ahead and Knock!

I SO would love to have this sign for my front door!  We have a no soliciting sign but most seem to ignore it.

Not Weak

It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters that we get back up!

In the Present

As a person with PTSD, this message is important to me.  I am often reminded of my past when I do not want to be.  I also use to have a lot of fear about having a flashback.  At times I felt bombarded by the pain from memories and the fear that it would strike me again at anytime.  Living like that can mean that the *right now* gets lost on me.  I have had times where I was so afraid that I would be triggered by something, that I wouldn't want to go anywhere.  I missed out on outings because of fear of what might happen.
The message really is about getting things into perspective.  We all have a past.  We all have painful memories.  If we are dwelling on them so much that we cannot enjoy the right now, we are missing out.  If we spend a lot of time worrying about what might happen, how can we enjoy what is happening at the moment?
The past is past and the future isn't here yet.  All we have is right now.

Not Evil

This one made me smile.  Isn't it at least partially true about most of us?  We all have some sort of twist.  For some, they desire to keep it buried or covered up and that is okay.  Everyone deserves to have their privacy.  Everyone also has the right to protect their privacy.  Be yourself.  Embrace your twist.  And, if a little evil also describes you.... Please have fun!

Life Lessons

Life isn't easy at all.  There are moments that get to be pretty tough.  Sometimes just getting through it seems impossible.  Life lessons are going to continue to touch and shape our lives.  Think about what you can gain from the tough situation that you face.  Will you emerge stronger?  Wiser?  Smarter?  Have more compassion?  Something to remember, someone else has also gone through the same thing you face right now.  Today's pain may be tomorrow's stepping stone.

Being Me

"If your feet are firmly planted on the ground, you will never be able to dance."  A quote by the author, Iris Johansen.  It sure makes me think.  Sometimes I pay too much attention to what someone else might think of me.  I don't want to be seen as a *crazy* person.  I have said that I have my feet firmly planted on the ground.  Meaning of course that I was stable and knew what I was doing.  Meaning that I was grounded in reality.  But, if I am so rigid, how can I dance?  Be creative?  Express myself and simply be who I am?
So many times we hide pieces of ourselves even from our closest friends.  Fearing judgment and rejection.  Definitely not wanting to be seen as crazy or weird!  I have come to a place in my life where I no longer care who knows that I enjoy being spanked.  It is very much a part of who I am.  Now, I don't go about flaunting it, I simply don't hide it and I am not embarrassed or ashamed by it.
Being a spanko is a part of myself that I have been able to completely embrace.
Not every one can.  Some people are in a relationship where their partner doesn't even know they are into spanking.  Some people have partners who do know and want nothing to do with it.  It must be very frustrating to say the least.  I have wondered about the adult who has yearned to be spanked for years and has not been able to find the right person, situation or courage to actually have that desire met.  I have wondered if that unmet desire then turns into an obsession.  I think for myself that it did go that way.
I felt trapped with this longing inside of me.  Yeah, my feet were firmly planted on the ground, but I sure wasn't free to dance.  I wasn't free to just be me.  I longed to be spanked and really had no idea how to go about actually receiving one.  I sure didn't feel like I could start a conversation about it with any of my friends.  Some days, I couldn't really think about anything else.
I honestly do not know what changed in me.  Just over 15 years ago I decided that I really had been living a lie.  I felt that I was being who and what everyone else wanted me to be.  I was not happy at all.  It was a hard decision, but I decided to no longer live a lie.  I wasn't living a lie on purpose.  I was not trying to deceive anyone.  I just was in no way being who I really am with anyone.
Now my feet are not as firmly planted on the ground.  I can dance!

Never Let...

Small Things

Do small things with great love - Mother Teresa

Isn't that how we touch the world around us in the most meaningful way?  It isn't about the big things that get talked about in the newspapers and on t.v.  It is the day to day little things that we do for one another that changes lives for the better.  Something as simple as a smile, given freely and with compassion can change someone else's total day.
I do believe that change begins with me.  My heart cries over the horrible things that are happening in our world.  I know that I cannot make an impact on the cruelties resulting from the bombings.  Instead of allowing that to drag me down, I look for what I can do.  Compassion can begin with me.  I may never touch the life of one of the injured from the violence in our world and that is okay.  I can show my support in small ways.  The things I choose to do can touch one life, who in turn may touch another with the same compassion.
I see it like having one single candle.  Alone, my candle cannot light the way very effectively.  Yet, when my small light, lights another and that one turns and lights others, together we do shine brightly.  Even if the other candle that I share my flame with does nothing, it hasn't taken anything from me.  I lose nothing in the sharing.  It is the small things that we do with great love and compassion that need to spread in this world of ours.













































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Writing

“Writing is learning to say nothing, more cleverly each day.”

This is a quote by William Allingham.  I love it!  I can relate to it so much.  As one who writes daily, I see it as very true some days.  I will sit here at the computer and wonder what in the world I am going to write about.  Many times, I simply just start writing what ever I happen to be thinking.  The lack of a specific goal, usually makes the words flow freely.
It has always confused me when someone says to me that they cannot write.  It makes me wonder why every one doesn't hear the same voice inside that I do.  Writing can be like sitting down and talking with someone.  Face to face it is very difficult for me to speak.  This voice I use to write with, is the same voice so many use to hold a conversation.  I have never seen it as *hard*.
Others have told me over the years that when I write, I should have someone in mind that I am writing to.  I can't say that I have ever done that very much.  I write because I love it.  I would write even if no one ever read it.  It is a part of me that I cannot imagine ever letting go of.
I write to work through emotions.  I write to share experiences.  I write for my pleasure.  Some days it feels like I write to keep myself sane.  I write to discover myself.  I even write to see just where my thoughts end up going!

Pride in pain

Take pride in your pain, you are stronger than those who have none.... Lois Lowry

Many times in this past year I have been told that I am very strong.  Repeatedly told that I am stronger than I think.  Those words coming from someone I care about and who I know cares about me, holds some weight for me.  I lean toward believing them and accepting it as truth.
But, what do they see that I don't?
Anyone who spends a significant amount of time around me will see that I am in physical pain.  It is difficult to hide for very long.  Depending on what I am doing, I can present myself as pain free and able bodied for a little while.   After awhile though, my body gives me away.  No matter how hard I try, pain breaks through and my movements give it away.  Is it that they see that I am in pain and that I try to pretend that it isn't there, that makes me strong in their eyes?  Is there strength in trying to be *normal*?
I am stubborn.  Even though I have limitations, I still try to do everything for myself.  Pushing myself hard, feels like a must for me.  More than once recently I have been ordered to sit down.   I have been told that I could go on the shopping trip but only if I agreed to be in my wheelchair so it wouldn't exhaust me.  It is difficult for me to ask for help and more difficult to accept it most days.  I want to be able to do things myself.  That is not always the best for me.  It doesn't stop me from trying.  Being the person who has to be watched over and protected just doesn't sit well with me most days.  Is watching me try anyway, the thing that makes others tell me that I am strong?  Is there strength in trying?
Recently, I fell.  My hip moved in a wrong way for just a split second.  My leg would no longer hold me up, and I went down.   Two people were there and it scared them both.  Mickey was one of them and she was able to grab a hold of me enough that I didn't land hard.  To top it off, my body did what it does in response to things like that sometimes.  The nerves go completely out of control and leave me with little to no control over what my leg will do.  It brings with it, the worst pain of all and a lot of embarrassment.  I want to be back up and on my own two feet as soon as possible.  Of course, no one else wants that for me right then.  Is it that others see the lack of fear in me to try again, that makes them say I am strong?  Is there strength in facing the fear head on?
I've only looked at the physical sensation of pain.  We all know that there is emotional pain as well that can hurt even more so.  Pain can be the thing that shows the true colors of an individual.  Most who are in pain do not see themselves as strong by any means.  I sure don't.  The quote is about having hope in the pain.  Being encouraged that you are strong enough to deal with it.

Courage

The Truth!

Picture thanks to an adult coloring group that I am a member of.

Leave A Trail

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." 

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I have walked this journey of healing, there have been times when I have been overwhelmed by suggestions on the way I should go.  Others have spoken to me about tried and tested roads to recovery from childhood sexual abuse.  It is not a case of who is right and who is wrong.  With each new thing from my past that I face, I am also faced with choices in how to deal with it.  There are different therapies and different approaches.  I am simply *me*.  As I have fought to move from victim to victorious, the methods used has changed as I became stronger and more willing to fight for freedom from my past.  

We are each unique.  Even if our pasts are identical, the paths that we take to become more free and stronger, are unlikely to be.  What works for one, may not work for another.  Understanding that this is okay, is important.  Sharing what has and has not been beneficial may be very helpful to someone else who is struggling with the same sort of issue.  It is okay to choose your own path and leave your own trail.  

The path that I am walking right now has evolved from different things that have been suggested to me, as well as from understanding myself better.  As a victim, I didn't have the right of choice.  I had no control.  Now, I do.  

There is no *cookie-cutter* approach to healing.  It is also not a sign of failure if some part of the path that is being walked, fails to have the hoped for outcome.  As we learn, grow and change, so does the things that are beneficial in healing, growing and becoming stronger.  

When my first therapist suggested and encouraged re-parenting for me, I was not ready.  She on the other hand continued to present it to me.  Today, although none of us are calling the way that we are interacting with one another, re-parenting, what I am experiencing is exactly what that woman wanted for me years ago.  She kept pointing me to that path, let me know that it was there and was an option that might be helpful to me.  After having become a lot stronger, it took me becoming so lost and stuck,  for me to see that path again as a possibility.  And, ya know what?  We are forging a new trail and it is working for me.

Find Time

This is something that so many of us let slip aside.  We are in *hurry-up*, *have-to* lifestyles so much of the time.  There is a need to slow down.  A need to have that *me* time.  It is not about being selfish.  It is about being healthy, whole, centered....
There is a need to take care of ourselves.  Finding, no, actually taking,  the time to recharge.
What puts that spring in your step and the smile on your face?  And, when is the last time you indulged yourself in it?  Find time.  Make time. Just do it!
Where ever we are in the path of life, let's take the time for the things that thrill us and make us happy to just be alive.

Outlook On Life

"Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself."

  I wish I remembered where I read this quote.  It stuck with me, actually, because I don't think I agree with it, lol.  Working at having a positive attitude toward life, in general, is important to me.  I believe that life is filled with good things, amazing things, incredible opportunities to grow and learn, wonderful people and so much love.  If I were to make a list that consists of all the good around me and in my life, it would be so much longer than the things that I consider bad in my life.
Most days, I would likely say that I do not like myself very much.

I really don't think that my outlook on life has much, if any, correlation to how much I like or dislike myself.

 I have failed repeatedly at a lot of things.  I struggle with self image issues, Right now I would likely be throwing a fit if I were asked to list things I like about myself.  Listing what I don't like would be easier.  I am hard on myself.  I tend toward not being very kind to myself.  Being Judge, Jury and Executioner with myself is more common and is much easier than being my own cheerleader or praising myself for anything.  I have my times of believing that I am worthless.  I struggle so much with others offering to help me, or giving me a gift, because I don't feel worth their time or attention.

So, if that quote has any truth to it, why then is my outlook on life and my ability to like myself so much at odds with one another?  Am I somehow lying to myself about how I really feel? - I sure don't think so.

I believe that people have worth, simply because they are a person.  I believe that others are worth my time and attention.  I believe others deserve the benefit of a doubt.  I believe others are lovable.  I believe they have potential.  I believe that if they make a mistake, they can be forgiven.  I believe they deserve a second chance.  I can feel love for the person and still hate what they have done.  I can correct someone out of love.  I can commit to a relationship.  I can be upset with someone and stick around to work it out, stick with the relationship and work to resolve the issue.  I don't give up on people easily.  I welcome helping when I can.  I can and do encourage others.
For myself though... believing someone else can or will do all of that with me?  Believing I am *worth something* to someone else?  *Shaking my head here*  Maybe I am an alien?

Maybe, just maybe, all of the dislike (or much of it) for myself, really comes from the past and the way I was treated and spoken to.  In my head I can still hear the voice of my mother telling me I am worthless.  I still hear her talking about how ugly I am.  I still feel the horrible guilt for hitting her and being responsible for destroying anything good that might have been possible in that relationship.  I still feel and take the blame for that.
Wow, I just realized that I am afraid of being rejected and thrown away if I mess up.  Damn, I am afraid that a certain person won't step in and discipline me.  I haven't had the experience of doing something wrong yet so that I know how she will respond. (You know who you are)  This revelation has helped make a few things I am feeling, make sense.  A foundation of trust is being built, isn't it?  I won't know and won't believe it, can't accept it as fact, until or unless it actually happens.

I believe life is good.  I like being alive.  I believe it is never too late to learn, to experience, to explore.  Now, I need to believe that it applies to me too.  It is not too late for me to learn and for me to experience new things.

Don't Underestimate

Don't underestimate me because I am quiet.  I know more than I say, think more than I speak, and observe more than you know.  Many versions of this quote have been around for a long time.  Mickey would say it fits me to a tee.  I am quiet.  It is a part of my nature.
Here are a few of my own versions.

Don't underestimate my strength simply because my body is weak.  I am stronger than I look, I have survived more than most, and I have helped more than you know.  See the blog on Strength, from earlier this month.

Don't underestimate me because I smile.  I know when you are lying, I hide my emotions well and there is more behind it than you see.

Don't  underestimate me because I am generous.  I give without expectation, I have known both wealth and poverty, and recognize when I am being used.

What would a version from you look like?