Outlook On Life

"Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself."

  I wish I remembered where I read this quote.  It stuck with me, actually, because I don't think I agree with it, lol.  Working at having a positive attitude toward life, in general, is important to me.  I believe that life is filled with good things, amazing things, incredible opportunities to grow and learn, wonderful people and so much love.  If I were to make a list that consists of all the good around me and in my life, it would be so much longer than the things that I consider bad in my life.
Most days, I would likely say that I do not like myself very much.

I really don't think that my outlook on life has much, if any, correlation to how much I like or dislike myself.

 I have failed repeatedly at a lot of things.  I struggle with self image issues, Right now I would likely be throwing a fit if I were asked to list things I like about myself.  Listing what I don't like would be easier.  I am hard on myself.  I tend toward not being very kind to myself.  Being Judge, Jury and Executioner with myself is more common and is much easier than being my own cheerleader or praising myself for anything.  I have my times of believing that I am worthless.  I struggle so much with others offering to help me, or giving me a gift, because I don't feel worth their time or attention.

So, if that quote has any truth to it, why then is my outlook on life and my ability to like myself so much at odds with one another?  Am I somehow lying to myself about how I really feel? - I sure don't think so.

I believe that people have worth, simply because they are a person.  I believe that others are worth my time and attention.  I believe others deserve the benefit of a doubt.  I believe others are lovable.  I believe they have potential.  I believe that if they make a mistake, they can be forgiven.  I believe they deserve a second chance.  I can feel love for the person and still hate what they have done.  I can correct someone out of love.  I can commit to a relationship.  I can be upset with someone and stick around to work it out, stick with the relationship and work to resolve the issue.  I don't give up on people easily.  I welcome helping when I can.  I can and do encourage others.
For myself though... believing someone else can or will do all of that with me?  Believing I am *worth something* to someone else?  *Shaking my head here*  Maybe I am an alien?

Maybe, just maybe, all of the dislike (or much of it) for myself, really comes from the past and the way I was treated and spoken to.  In my head I can still hear the voice of my mother telling me I am worthless.  I still hear her talking about how ugly I am.  I still feel the horrible guilt for hitting her and being responsible for destroying anything good that might have been possible in that relationship.  I still feel and take the blame for that.
Wow, I just realized that I am afraid of being rejected and thrown away if I mess up.  Damn, I am afraid that a certain person won't step in and discipline me.  I haven't had the experience of doing something wrong yet so that I know how she will respond. (You know who you are)  This revelation has helped make a few things I am feeling, make sense.  A foundation of trust is being built, isn't it?  I won't know and won't believe it, can't accept it as fact, until or unless it actually happens.

I believe life is good.  I like being alive.  I believe it is never too late to learn, to experience, to explore.  Now, I need to believe that it applies to me too.  It is not too late for me to learn and for me to experience new things.