Turning Away

I will admit that I enjoy the idea of being in trouble.  I like that thought in my head that says, no please don't spank me.  The idea of real trouble, is not so pleasant.  I do not want to actually be in trouble.
I was in real distress yesterday.  When I saw my actions for what they really were, it was very troubling to me.  I do not wish to act like that.  Defiance toward my Dominant and toward my Disciplinarian is not acceptable to me.  It is not acceptable to them either, just for the record.  I apologized to both of them and they read my writings.  I was not punished.  I didn't need to be.  It was a revelation that needed to be seen and will be corrected.  Even though I have the two of them in my life, most of the correction is going to be on my shoulders.  At least that is how I see it.  That doesn't mean that I won't be punished.  It means that it is up to me to make the changes.  This is for *my* good.  I may at times have the mindset of a child and my inner child may be fully visible, but it is on me to make these changes for my good.  I do not passively accept their guidance.  My role is very active.
Miss Jenn read over the list of rules/guidelines for me and asked me how I felt I would do with them.  I told her that I thought that for the first few days anyway that I would be okay with it all.  Then I told her that after that, I probably would experience times of just not liking them at all.  Not liking the rules and not being very happy with her or Mickey either.  She nodded her head in agreement, as did Mickey.
Both of these women have a habit of digging deeper than is comfortable for me.  They make me look at things in different ways and both have the mindset of teacher.  Both are very dominant women.  They are used to getting their own way and I know full well that when it comes to my own stubbornness, I have met my match in the two of them.  Instead of scaring me off, this is comforting to me.  If or when the time comes that I rebel, I know it is going to be met head on.
I am not looking forward to the first disagreement.  I am not looking forward to the time when a consequence is put on me.  Everything in me wants to avoid that.  Knowing myself, and the way they know me, we all know that the time is going to come where I push against those boundaries.  Some part of me is going to stand up and see if they are going to push back, respond, ignore or correct.  I would rather that I didn't do that.  I would like to just travel along in my safe little bubble here.  I hate the thought of them being disappointed in me.
I don't know how I am going to stop myself from turning my back on their authority.  I just know that I have to.  I want that authority in my life.  There is a need for it.  Mickey says I close my eyes and go silent, pushing her away by my actions.  I turn my back.  I look away.  It is a habit that needs to be broken.  How do I face and accept?  How do I make myself stay in that moment and accept their instruction or correction?  Why do I even turn away from what I so desperately want and need in my life right now?  It doesn't make sense to me at all.