I have been reminded a few times in the past 24-36 hours that I asked for this. I asked for firm boundaries around me. I asked that there be more discipline in my life. I agreed to a 3 month contract of sorts. I have been reminded that I asked to not be allowed to *get away* with things. I have been reminded that my Counselor is on board as well. I have been reminded that they agreed to hold me accountable.
Saturday, I was scolded. I brought it on myself because I am the one who refused to do what I was told. My Counselor was very direct and clear about what I was to do. Her direction came after I had challenged both her and Daddie Mickey earlier. During that few minutes I responded like a stubborn little brat. I am not proud of it. So when Pamela, (Counselor) told me I was ready and needed to write about and face the truth about my father, Pamela told me to tell them ( two other people) what she had told me to do. So, I told those I was suppose to tell. I was in a bad mood already. Oh, I told them alright, what I had been told to do, then I told them that I didn't want to do it. And, I didn't. Everything I said to them was all about, *I don't want to do this.*
Ya know what? I was not ready for the response I got. I was scolded. I was told that I knew what I was suppose to do. I was told that Pamela's instructions were simple and clear and had told me exactly what I was to write about and do. I wasn't given a threat or a warning that I had better do as I had been told. No. After the scolding I was told that I was banned from Internet and TV until I decided to do what I was told. Grounded!
It would be nice to be able to say that I took this well, saw the error in what I was doing and immediately changed my behavior. *That* didn't happen. I was instead, instantly stubborn. The one enforcing this on me, knows me well enough that she continued on and told me that if I started whining or being a brat, a belt would be used on my back side. So, I can't whine and I can't be a brat, I can't watch television and I can't get on the internet. I handled it so well that I instantly told the person doing this to me that I did NOT like her right then! I looked to Daddie Mickey who just shook her head and actually said to me... don't look at me, I am in total agreement here. Mickey even turned off the television program she was watching because I was in the room!
An hour later..... yeah right! I am very stubborn, remember? Sitting in my chair, arms crossed, feeling like I am in time out (not a good feeling at all), very frustrated. Oh, on top of this, after a few hours of my silent protest, I was told that the trip to the Aquarium on Sunday was not going to happen either if I didn't start writing exactly what I was suppose to. In fact I was told I would be going no where until I got started and showed that I was going to cooperate. This is so not fair!
It was about 6 and a half, maybe 7 hours later that I gave up. I knew that they were not going to give in at all. I knew that I had only two choices : keep sitting there silently or do what I was told. I saw that the situation wasn't going to change. I also saw that it was likely only going to get worse if I didn't do what I was told.
There was no magical good mood that came over me. No, revelation that I was doing the right thing. I was still totally protesting (silently because I do not want to ever feel the belt!) but, I got my headphones and my music, my computer and dumb notepad (because I wasn't allowed on the internet) and started writing. I was so frustrated, angry I guess, but I did it anyway. What I wrote was hard to write. My attitude didn't help matters. I was still angry/frustrated when I finished but also, more emotional because of what I wrote.
It was around 4 hours later that my mood changed. I was then able to look back over what had taken place. I have been sort of laughing about the situation here in this blog. My responses were ridiculous for sure. Looking back at it, I was being disciplined. None of it was comfortable, that's for sure. I did not like them. I didn't like the situation I was in. I was the one who had to come around to their way of thinking and do what I was told. They showed me that where I am in my life and this path that I am on, matters. That I do what I am told, matters. I matter. They care enough to discipline me and point me in the right direction whether I like it or not. I know they care about me. I know they are in this with me. Right now I actually feel good that I gave in and did what I was told. I am glad that I didn't let it escalate. I know now that if it did escalate, it would only have done so because of my behavior. I had choices. They cared enough about me to keep pointing me to the right choice. I am glad they did. It was a hard day for me and I still want to tell them, Thank You!
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