Just one of those days. Don't feel much like writing. Exhaustion is tugging at me. If I am not careful, that can mess with my emotions. It is strange. I am not much of a drinker but I find myself really wanting one right now. I do drink socially. Can't say that I have ever been drunk. Mostly, I think it is because of my father that I never picked up that habit. I have been on my own completely since I was 17 and rarely lived under my parent's roof after age 12-13. When I finally left all of that family behind me, I had one goal. My goal was to be absolutely nothing like them.
I had started smoking when I was 11. Tried drugs for the first time then as well. I used drugs off and on into my late teens. I liked the warm feeling I felt from them but I hated the feeling of being out of control. If the high I got made me forget what was happening, it scared the hell out of me. I had to be in control. I had to be aware. Really it came from a need to keep myself safe. I was still being sexually abused, raped and molested as a young teen. My uncle got to me when I was 11. I actually did tell someone, his sister, my mother, who told me I was a complete liar.
Strange, when she passed away a couple years ago, my first thought was... NOW, you know I wasn't lying. Funny how the mind works sometimes. I guess I thought that in her death all the blinders would be removed and that she would see the whole truth of how things really were. I don't know where that thought came from. It is just how I felt at the time.
When Don was raping me that first time, the only words I remember him saying were, it doesn't matter because you aren't family anyway. That didn't make any sense to me then at all. It sure does now. It pisses me off right now that he knew this secret about me all my life and that I didn't.
My bio mother actually was in and out of my life while I was growing up. I recall being introduced to her a few times. I never remembered who she was in between visits. She was this woman named Aunt Evelyn who came to see me and my father. Like any other adult in my life, I just wanted her to leave me alone and go away. When I was older, I knew my Dad was having an affair with her. He had an affair with her all of my life. I can't imagine that her visits to the house were very pleasant for anyone. I sure didn't stick around. The fact that they wanted me to stay there and visit with her was enough for me to tell them to go to hell and go do my own thing.
Luckily for me that back then I didnt know what she had done to me when I was 7. The person who helped in that first rape was my Dad's girlfriend. I didn't realize that it was my bio mother, this Aunt Evelyn. My father dropped my sister off with our mother's best friend and then dropped me off with this woman to stay with. I didn't know who in the hell she was. She was just Evelyn, dad's friend. Now I know that Evelyn Wooliever is my great aunt and my bio mother, and the first person that I have any memory of sexually abusing me. I don't know if she is dead or alive. I turned my back on all of that and all of them a long time ago. I believe I am better for it.
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