Blah!

It has been one of those days.  Filled with physical pain.  Needed help getting to my feet to get out of bed.  The constant rain and colder temperatures doesn't help.  Then I have wet and muddy dogs jumping on me and wanting under the blanket to warm up.  So between me and the blanket is wet cold dog!  Normally, I like the fact that they are living heating pads.  Wet & dirty?  Not so much.

Emotionally I feel like a laundry basket that is filled with puppies that I am trying to catch and corral back inside the containment!  Things are coming up faster than I can shove them down or away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I am suppose to be dealing with them.  But, ya know what?  I don't want to!  

There has to be a way to salvage this day and change my mood.

I did write an email and come completely clean to a person that I needed to come clean to.  I didn't exactly lie, but I sure didn't exactly tell the truth either.  It did not sit well with my conscience.  I felt the need to right what I was feeling was so wrong.  The fact that I have a conscience is good.  I sure don't need a tattletale in my life.  I do a good enough job of it all on my own.  I can't stand it when I know I haven't been honest.  I can't get away with anything, because I tell on myself!

I have been thinking about the things my therapist wants me to do.  Every ounce of me says NO!  Usually, I am not afraid of hard work.  What she is asking of me is going to be very hard.  The fact that she also wants me to share it seems even harder.  I have never tackled the violence of my father in any real significant way.  I admit he was violent.  That's about it though.  To speak the details?  There is a part of me that knows it is going to cause a shift in my feelings toward him.  She believes I am strong enough and that I have a strong safety net.  Me?  I am not feeling as confident.