Breaking Down

In my personal healing process I have had a couple of emotional break downs.  A few days where I no longer wanted to go on.  I wanted to just die a couple of times.  The emotional pain was so great.  It felt like it would never end.  Others would tell me to hold on.  They told me it would get better.  In that emotional vulnerability, I did not believe any of them.  In that place, it doesn't feel like anything will ever be okay again.
There is another type of break down.  For me, it is crying.  The few times that I have faced tears that I could not hold back, I have felt absolute terror.  Afraid to have anyone near me and afraid to be alone.  When my composure breaks and I do cry, I become very vulnerable to self harm.  That coping mechanism kicks in hard.  I become angry with myself for not being stronger than the tears.  I want what ever is causing the tears to disappear.
I will be facing soon a very intense session.  I am very nervous to say the least.  Anxiety is rising.  I am sure that I will break down.  There are already butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.  It is not that I don't trust the people who will be with me.  I trust them with my life at this point.  I know I am safe and I know I will be protected.  I have no doubt that whatever needs to be done, will be done.  So, where does all this nervousness come from?
It is about the breaking down.  The woman sitting here writing this is physically shaking.

Funny thing about writing... it can trigger some unexpected responses.  Writing this blog post, did that to me.  I reached out to a friend who spent some time with me.  It isn't easy to reach out when you find yourself on the verge of a breaking point.  But, that fresh perspective can be so beneficial.