Humbled

It is so humbling to me right now to see my actions for what they really are.  To have messed up in such a big way, right at the start of a new path for me.  Realizing that I acted so dismissive toward an authority figure is not setting well with me at all.
I am trying to find the positive here....  I guess maybe the fact that I do really see it now.  All blinders are off for sure.  I am real sure that it won't be tolerated again.  I am just as sure that I will put more effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
The way I feel right now is horrible.  I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to feel like this ever again.  Maybe the positive there too is in the learning process.  I learned something about myself.  It isn't something I like and my heart hurts right now over the fact that I actually did this.  I don't want this feeling to stay with me.  I do want the memory of how I feel right now to stick with me.  That way, when faced with the same situation again, I will remember how I feel right now and make a better choice then.
There is a part of me that really just wants to beat myself up right now.  I hear the voice inside of me asking me how I could have been so stupid.  I expect perfection.  I have to understand that they don't expect perfection from me.  They know I am going to mess up.  This is to help me through a real trying time in my life.  They want the best for me and want me safe.  I have not been set up to fail.  I have been set up to thrive and to grow and to learn.
What I did was a very willful act.  A wrong one for sure.  No one has ever called me on it before.  Now, being faced with it, what it really is, I am at a crossroads.  This is a place where I can learn.  This is a place where I can choose a better way.  Or I can just beat myself up.  Which is something that would get me in trouble.  I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to punish myself.  The if, when and how, is not in my hands.  I am pretty sure that means that beating myself up emotionally is not going to fly.
ARRGGG, can I just do yesterday afternoon all over again?  Where's a fairy godmother when ya really need one??