I have been thinking about something today. Over my life time, I have struggled with the issue of needing approval from others. As I have gotten older, the *need* for this has changed. As a child, teen and young adult, it was pretty huge in my life. The desire to be accepted was a driving factor in my life for a long time.
It is hard to remember when I finally felt the freedom to just be myself. Up until then, who I was changed somewhat with each person or group I was involved with. The motivation behind it all was just the need to be accepted.
I never felt that I was good enough. There was no feeling that I actually belonged. I had a few friends, but no real close friends. My life was filled with a lot of secrecy because of all the abuses at home. I think because of this, who I was, wasn't ever exposed let alone seen by others.
I was rejected by the mother I grew up with, right from the start. I knew early on that she didn't like me or want me. At such a young age, I started searching for a mother figure that would simply just accept me.
Now in my life, I accept myself. That truth is what I believe has stopped that huge need for acceptance from others. I am not perfect. I accept my flaws and weaknesses. I understand that I am just me. All I can ever be is *me*, and that is okay.
Showing posts with label Growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growth. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Attitude
I have been told that attitude defines many things. It has been more in the context of, if I have an attitude of success then I will succeed. If my attitude is one of failure, I will fail. What I think, will determine how I feel and what actions I take. Of that I am sure. I have seen this play out in my life many times. I am not always successful in grabbing a hold of my own thoughts and reining them in. But, when I am, change happens. I have come to believe that even in the worst circumstances, change begins with me. I know that I do not have the power to change anyone but myself. I am the one that has the ability to change my attitudes. Not saying it is easy, just that it is possible.
I am one that doesn't enjoy a lot of social interaction. I am uncomfortable in crowds. It rarely matters to me if I get out much. I live with a woman who is just the opposite. She needs to get out and to socialize. I could have a bad attitude about it all. I could complain that I don't want to go. I could even stay home instead and let her go alone. She knows how I feel. We have found a middle ground that works for us. I tag a long to some of the things and she goes alone to others. We each respect that we can't change the other so we meet half-way. We love our outings together and enjoy the times alone. Some people find it odd that I don't mind her going out and having dinner with someone else once in awhile. For me it is just that I understand her needs and recognize that I can't meet all of them. My attitude is key here. I am happy that she can go out alone and go out with me. If my attitude was one of resentment, there would be nothing but trouble.
I am not the jealous type. Never have been. I view every relationship that I value, as a gift. I hope that my attitude is always one of love and thankfulness for the gift of friendship. That doesn't mean that everything is a bed of roses. It simply means that I am willing to work through the ups & downs too. I don't want to ever allow a mistake to be the end of a friendship. I do give second chances and sometimes third. I have matured enough to recognize when change will not take place and the end of a relationship is near because of that. I have to stop and look at my own attitudes about it all. My attitude after all begins and ends with me.
I am one that doesn't enjoy a lot of social interaction. I am uncomfortable in crowds. It rarely matters to me if I get out much. I live with a woman who is just the opposite. She needs to get out and to socialize. I could have a bad attitude about it all. I could complain that I don't want to go. I could even stay home instead and let her go alone. She knows how I feel. We have found a middle ground that works for us. I tag a long to some of the things and she goes alone to others. We each respect that we can't change the other so we meet half-way. We love our outings together and enjoy the times alone. Some people find it odd that I don't mind her going out and having dinner with someone else once in awhile. For me it is just that I understand her needs and recognize that I can't meet all of them. My attitude is key here. I am happy that she can go out alone and go out with me. If my attitude was one of resentment, there would be nothing but trouble.
I am not the jealous type. Never have been. I view every relationship that I value, as a gift. I hope that my attitude is always one of love and thankfulness for the gift of friendship. That doesn't mean that everything is a bed of roses. It simply means that I am willing to work through the ups & downs too. I don't want to ever allow a mistake to be the end of a friendship. I do give second chances and sometimes third. I have matured enough to recognize when change will not take place and the end of a relationship is near because of that. I have to stop and look at my own attitudes about it all. My attitude after all begins and ends with me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Saying No
Saying no to yourself. Respecting your own limits. Protecting your own limits. Learning when we really need to say, *I'll pass* on that. Maybe it is passing on that horror flick because we know it will mess with our head. It might be not watching that suspense film right before bed. Or the old standby, not having the cake with the ice cream. We all have our limits. I think many of us don't protect ourselves the way we could. We fail to respect our own limits.
I have talked about this before. About needing to be our own parent. It is really about taking good care of ourselves. It is pretty easy to think of this in the physical sense. We are bombarded by ads telling us all about taking care of our physical bodies. What about emotionally, mentally, spiritually? We are much more than a physical body.
For myself, I need to be careful about what I choose to read or watch. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it is more important to me to protect myself from some of the information that is out there. I need to respect myself and know with as much certainty as possible, where my limits are on what I can take in. Books, movies and news articles about childhood sexual abuse are likely to go unseen by me. As parent to myself I do my best to protect that limit. The limit being to avoid triggering too many memories. Since I know those things can still trigger me, I protect myself as much as possible. That doesn't mean it is forever. It is not a permanent *no* What I can and cannot handle emotionally, changes as I do. Some days are better than others. It is about knowing myself and being honest with myself.
Saying no to myself isn't about restriction and punishment. It is all about loving and protecting myself. Getting a handle on that has helped my growth tremendously.
I have talked about this before. About needing to be our own parent. It is really about taking good care of ourselves. It is pretty easy to think of this in the physical sense. We are bombarded by ads telling us all about taking care of our physical bodies. What about emotionally, mentally, spiritually? We are much more than a physical body.
For myself, I need to be careful about what I choose to read or watch. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it is more important to me to protect myself from some of the information that is out there. I need to respect myself and know with as much certainty as possible, where my limits are on what I can take in. Books, movies and news articles about childhood sexual abuse are likely to go unseen by me. As parent to myself I do my best to protect that limit. The limit being to avoid triggering too many memories. Since I know those things can still trigger me, I protect myself as much as possible. That doesn't mean it is forever. It is not a permanent *no* What I can and cannot handle emotionally, changes as I do. Some days are better than others. It is about knowing myself and being honest with myself.
Saying no to myself isn't about restriction and punishment. It is all about loving and protecting myself. Getting a handle on that has helped my growth tremendously.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Journey of Healing
Travelling this road of healing takes tremendous work some days. Work, that if I am honest, at times I just don't want to do. There are days that I want it all to just go away. There are days that turn out just beautiful. There are days that I look forward to the rising sun, because for me that means bedtime.
My body has adjusted itself to an odd schedule. I spent over a year not being able to sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time. Pain made sleep impossible. Even taking narcotic pain meds every 4 hours didn't help this problem. Now, either I have adjusted to the pain, or my body screamed for sleep loud enough, that my sleep pattern changed. Unless I have appointments early in the day, I can count on getting at least 6 hours of sleep at a time.
Some days, memories will flood over me. Most of them unpleasant, but not all. I have found it important to remember the good things. To force those images to the front as well. Not everything from the past was bad and I need to remember that.
It has been important for me to also take time off. To give myself a break from some of the horror that I remember. I can't imagine staying sane if I was dealing with the past, 24/7. Life is NOW. It isn't going to stand still for me while I deal with the past. I find things that I enjoy and do them on a regular basis.
I have had to learn to deal with high levels of stress. Memories can be very stressful. Especially during the times when memories seem to be relentless. I am fortunate to have wonderful people close to me who remind me that it is memory and not something that is happening right now. I may be physically and emotionally experiencing the brutality of being raped when I was seven but thank god they can reach in and grab a hold of me until the sensations stop. It is stress-filled. I have had to find things that help me deal with that stress.
Everyone's journey toward healing is going to be different. And, every journey is worth it.
My body has adjusted itself to an odd schedule. I spent over a year not being able to sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time. Pain made sleep impossible. Even taking narcotic pain meds every 4 hours didn't help this problem. Now, either I have adjusted to the pain, or my body screamed for sleep loud enough, that my sleep pattern changed. Unless I have appointments early in the day, I can count on getting at least 6 hours of sleep at a time.
Some days, memories will flood over me. Most of them unpleasant, but not all. I have found it important to remember the good things. To force those images to the front as well. Not everything from the past was bad and I need to remember that.
It has been important for me to also take time off. To give myself a break from some of the horror that I remember. I can't imagine staying sane if I was dealing with the past, 24/7. Life is NOW. It isn't going to stand still for me while I deal with the past. I find things that I enjoy and do them on a regular basis.
I have had to learn to deal with high levels of stress. Memories can be very stressful. Especially during the times when memories seem to be relentless. I am fortunate to have wonderful people close to me who remind me that it is memory and not something that is happening right now. I may be physically and emotionally experiencing the brutality of being raped when I was seven but thank god they can reach in and grab a hold of me until the sensations stop. It is stress-filled. I have had to find things that help me deal with that stress.
Everyone's journey toward healing is going to be different. And, every journey is worth it.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Don't Stop Walking
At times things can feel hopeless. I have felt that some things were too hard. I have felt that I would never find the freedom that I was seeking. One of the most important lessons for me, is to not stop trying. There is a need to keep walking. Needing to believe that good things are just down the road. It is so easy to fall short of the goal. It takes real courage to keep going. Keep walking.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Trust Yourself
A phrase ringing through my head - Trust yourself to feel everything, you can handle it.
I have a children's coloring book about feelings. While doing age play at *Mom's* house I was asked to choose one of the pictures that described how I was feeling and color it. I really didn't want to. I tried to go somewhere else, but she was pretty insistent. Looking through the book, I finally decided on bashful and shy. When I read it, I knew that is what I was really feeling. I started coloring while she fixed dinner. My little head went every where. I felt the tears starting to come to the surface. That is a seriously dangerous place especially for the little me. I stopped coloring and drew an eye at the bottom of the page. I know that if I draw an eye, it means that the tears are close and threatening. If I can draw the eye, maybe I can keep the tears inside it. It is another form of controlling for me.
But, what wasn't I trusting myself to feel? I know it was not about the bashfulness. The one who is Mom, reaches right past that. She interacts with me regardless. She came and laid on the floor beside me and commented on my picture and the drawing. I wanted to tell her, but I knew I would cry. Somehow the little me found the courage to ask if I could lay beside her. I still couldn't tell her. And the tears came anyway. What I was feeling was fear, specifically the fear of rejection. From that little head space, I wanted to open up and embrace and accept. I was afraid to trust her. Afraid that it would be like the past. So afraid to believe that it was real. Snuggled together for a few minutes, the wall came down, some of the pain washed away right along with the fear. She didn't make a big deal over the tears, she let them, and me, exist in the moment.
Trust yourself to feel everything. I know that some things feel so horrible, intense and hurt like hell. I know too that even when it feels like I can't handle it, when emotion is so strong it feels like 100 pounds is sitting on my chest, I can handle it. It may be in baby steps and that is okay.
Trust yourself to feel everything - you can handle it.
I have a children's coloring book about feelings. While doing age play at *Mom's* house I was asked to choose one of the pictures that described how I was feeling and color it. I really didn't want to. I tried to go somewhere else, but she was pretty insistent. Looking through the book, I finally decided on bashful and shy. When I read it, I knew that is what I was really feeling. I started coloring while she fixed dinner. My little head went every where. I felt the tears starting to come to the surface. That is a seriously dangerous place especially for the little me. I stopped coloring and drew an eye at the bottom of the page. I know that if I draw an eye, it means that the tears are close and threatening. If I can draw the eye, maybe I can keep the tears inside it. It is another form of controlling for me.
But, what wasn't I trusting myself to feel? I know it was not about the bashfulness. The one who is Mom, reaches right past that. She interacts with me regardless. She came and laid on the floor beside me and commented on my picture and the drawing. I wanted to tell her, but I knew I would cry. Somehow the little me found the courage to ask if I could lay beside her. I still couldn't tell her. And the tears came anyway. What I was feeling was fear, specifically the fear of rejection. From that little head space, I wanted to open up and embrace and accept. I was afraid to trust her. Afraid that it would be like the past. So afraid to believe that it was real. Snuggled together for a few minutes, the wall came down, some of the pain washed away right along with the fear. She didn't make a big deal over the tears, she let them, and me, exist in the moment.
Trust yourself to feel everything. I know that some things feel so horrible, intense and hurt like hell. I know too that even when it feels like I can't handle it, when emotion is so strong it feels like 100 pounds is sitting on my chest, I can handle it. It may be in baby steps and that is okay.
Trust yourself to feel everything - you can handle it.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Choosing Strength
Had a discussion earlier where Mickey asked me to please not sabotage myself. She acknowledged that I am having a hard time right now. She even acknowledged all my feelings. She has never said that I shouldn't feel a certain way. She has pointed out to me some reasons why my feelings might not exactly be based on the actual reality of the situation. Giving me examples of what she has seen.
Yesterday was not the best of days. The accumulation of a few different things all came together bringing me to a point where I simply quit. Grabbing a hold of something I think I can control, and just taking over.
After I had calmed down last night and saw what I had written, I thought that it was ok, that I would feel differently today. I don't. Trying to reach for those boot straps and pull myself back up. I can't. What happened to my strength? It's gone.
This is one of those moments when I know I am the one in control. I have to decide what steps to take. Make a choice that makes sense to me and is not harmful. It is one of those times when I need to choose strength, even when I feel weak.
Choosing strength can be telling myself that I am doing nothing today. It can be, setting everything aside and focusing elsewhere. Choosing strength can be taking a break. Choosing strength doesn't mean that I am not afraid, doesn't even mean I am strong. It means acknowledging that right now is so hard.
Yesterday was not the best of days. The accumulation of a few different things all came together bringing me to a point where I simply quit. Grabbing a hold of something I think I can control, and just taking over.
After I had calmed down last night and saw what I had written, I thought that it was ok, that I would feel differently today. I don't. Trying to reach for those boot straps and pull myself back up. I can't. What happened to my strength? It's gone.
This is one of those moments when I know I am the one in control. I have to decide what steps to take. Make a choice that makes sense to me and is not harmful. It is one of those times when I need to choose strength, even when I feel weak.
Choosing strength can be telling myself that I am doing nothing today. It can be, setting everything aside and focusing elsewhere. Choosing strength can be taking a break. Choosing strength doesn't mean that I am not afraid, doesn't even mean I am strong. It means acknowledging that right now is so hard.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
My Soap Box
I do a lot of reading on so many different topics. Yeah, it's not all about spanking, lol. I enjoy reading fiction and nonfiction as well. Lately I have read more biographies. I was given a book by a friend that I started reading a week or so ago. It has been a book that I have had to take in small doses. The beginning was very intense for me because it spoke frankly about this woman's childhood and I had a very emotional response to it.
The fact that childhood sexual abuse still takes place in every country in the world pisses me off. It doesn't seem that children are any more protected now than when I was growing up. The fact that churches still teach their parishioners that all gays and lesbians molest children, just makes me shake my head in disbelief. Adult Caucasian Men make up the largest percentage of those that molest children.
The whole movement *Black Lives Matter* is something that I still see as segregation. ALL lives matter regardless of skin color, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Do I believe that people of color are treated unjustly just because of their skin color? YES! And it is NOT right!
As a people, so many of us make snap judgments of others when we know nothing about them. Seems that too often those snap judgments also get cemented in place before any real truth or fact can be applied.
So often, the loudest voice is the only voice heard. Even the voice of reason can't get through the screaming flood of words.
People are hungry and living on the streets here in our own Country. How much money are we sending out in aide to other countries? I believe in helping others and also believe that charity needs to begin at home.
Okay, stepping off my soap-box now.
I can begin with myself. I can change things that need changed in my own life. Whether that is my views or attitudes, I do have the power to change them. Educating myself is important to me. That learning means nothing if I don't also apply it, use it, learn from it. :)
The fact that childhood sexual abuse still takes place in every country in the world pisses me off. It doesn't seem that children are any more protected now than when I was growing up. The fact that churches still teach their parishioners that all gays and lesbians molest children, just makes me shake my head in disbelief. Adult Caucasian Men make up the largest percentage of those that molest children.
The whole movement *Black Lives Matter* is something that I still see as segregation. ALL lives matter regardless of skin color, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Do I believe that people of color are treated unjustly just because of their skin color? YES! And it is NOT right!
As a people, so many of us make snap judgments of others when we know nothing about them. Seems that too often those snap judgments also get cemented in place before any real truth or fact can be applied.
So often, the loudest voice is the only voice heard. Even the voice of reason can't get through the screaming flood of words.
People are hungry and living on the streets here in our own Country. How much money are we sending out in aide to other countries? I believe in helping others and also believe that charity needs to begin at home.
Okay, stepping off my soap-box now.
I can begin with myself. I can change things that need changed in my own life. Whether that is my views or attitudes, I do have the power to change them. Educating myself is important to me. That learning means nothing if I don't also apply it, use it, learn from it. :)
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Conflict
I think that conflict is unavoidable. It is going to happen. The choice here is how I respond to the conflict. I may be conflicted over something I have to do (or need to do), that I just don't want to do. I may be in conflict with a person. Maybe having differing opinions on a subject.
For me, conflict is not comfortable. It is not a situation I want to be in. Especially if it involves someone else.
I am already facing some conflict inside myself over the boundaries around me. I remember something that I need to do and I feel that twinge rise in me that just says, I don't want to do it. So far, I am able to push that thought away and just go ahead and do what I am suppose to. I am so surprised that I feel that rising in me already.
I feel conflicted inside about doing the right thing. I am finding myself weighing the possible consequences and not liking any of them. Sheesh, I have even thought about just not telling the truth. I could sort of skirt the truth and might even get away with it. But... I also know me. I have never been comfortable lying and I am just not good at it. I think the guilt would really put me in conflict with myself!
Are some of us just wired to avoid conflict? I do know that some people handle it better than others. Conflict also can come in so many different ways and situations. Even just trying to make a decision can trigger conflict. Two friends want to do something on the same day with you, but you only have the time or energy to do one.
As we grow and mature as individuals we are faced with conflict at different stages in that growth. In the first psychosocial development stage, the conflict is trust versus mistrust. As children we learn early on whether or not we can trust the people in our lives. When a child learns that they can trust and depend on their caregivers they emerge through this stage of conflict with a sense of security and safety. Those who are not able to trust their caregivers likely will see not just the people around them, but the world, as unreliable.
Sexual abuse for me began in infancy. I was given away by my birth mother when I was around 4 months old and dropped in the lap of a woman who didn't want me. She also had no idea how to care for me. Nurturing was not a part of my life with either of these women. Talk about conflict right off the bat. A bio-mother, that I had to have had some sort of bond with. I mean after-all, I was alive and basically healthy. She physically cared for me and met those needs. I depended on her to be able to survive. Then, one day, she was no longer a part of my life. That child me learned very early on that the world was an unreliable place. I did learn mistrust.
The only reason I am mentioning this is that I believe that when we are faced with conflict, we draw from the early phases of development in how we face the conflict. That doesn't mean that we can't grow and learn later on in life. Right now I face conflict with keeping to the program I am in. I question myself about the consequences and the rewards. I also question myself over the issue of trust. Trusting them. Will they follow through? I think they will. I hope they will. Still, I am not exactly sure. I haven't been in a situation like this that has had an outcome that built trust. So many people have told me they were going to do something, enforce some consequence and they just didn't.
The next stage in that development is about independence. I sort of tossed the trust/mistrust stage away and jumped straight into independence. The, I can do it myself, stage. I am capable. I didn't want others helping me or even touching me. I learned to do things by myself for myself. The good thing in that, is the sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. Feeling capable. Stubbornness came from this and that is not always a bad thing at all. Stubbornness that is built on a foundation of mistrust, might not be so great.
So, in my conflict right now I am working toward building a base of trust. Trusting myself to do the right things. Trusting others to do what they say they will do. Showing them that I can do what has been agreed to. I feel pretty conflicted over all of it but am willing to put myself out there and learn a new way.
For me, conflict is not comfortable. It is not a situation I want to be in. Especially if it involves someone else.
I am already facing some conflict inside myself over the boundaries around me. I remember something that I need to do and I feel that twinge rise in me that just says, I don't want to do it. So far, I am able to push that thought away and just go ahead and do what I am suppose to. I am so surprised that I feel that rising in me already.
I feel conflicted inside about doing the right thing. I am finding myself weighing the possible consequences and not liking any of them. Sheesh, I have even thought about just not telling the truth. I could sort of skirt the truth and might even get away with it. But... I also know me. I have never been comfortable lying and I am just not good at it. I think the guilt would really put me in conflict with myself!
Are some of us just wired to avoid conflict? I do know that some people handle it better than others. Conflict also can come in so many different ways and situations. Even just trying to make a decision can trigger conflict. Two friends want to do something on the same day with you, but you only have the time or energy to do one.
As we grow and mature as individuals we are faced with conflict at different stages in that growth. In the first psychosocial development stage, the conflict is trust versus mistrust. As children we learn early on whether or not we can trust the people in our lives. When a child learns that they can trust and depend on their caregivers they emerge through this stage of conflict with a sense of security and safety. Those who are not able to trust their caregivers likely will see not just the people around them, but the world, as unreliable.
Sexual abuse for me began in infancy. I was given away by my birth mother when I was around 4 months old and dropped in the lap of a woman who didn't want me. She also had no idea how to care for me. Nurturing was not a part of my life with either of these women. Talk about conflict right off the bat. A bio-mother, that I had to have had some sort of bond with. I mean after-all, I was alive and basically healthy. She physically cared for me and met those needs. I depended on her to be able to survive. Then, one day, she was no longer a part of my life. That child me learned very early on that the world was an unreliable place. I did learn mistrust.
The only reason I am mentioning this is that I believe that when we are faced with conflict, we draw from the early phases of development in how we face the conflict. That doesn't mean that we can't grow and learn later on in life. Right now I face conflict with keeping to the program I am in. I question myself about the consequences and the rewards. I also question myself over the issue of trust. Trusting them. Will they follow through? I think they will. I hope they will. Still, I am not exactly sure. I haven't been in a situation like this that has had an outcome that built trust. So many people have told me they were going to do something, enforce some consequence and they just didn't.
The next stage in that development is about independence. I sort of tossed the trust/mistrust stage away and jumped straight into independence. The, I can do it myself, stage. I am capable. I didn't want others helping me or even touching me. I learned to do things by myself for myself. The good thing in that, is the sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. Feeling capable. Stubbornness came from this and that is not always a bad thing at all. Stubbornness that is built on a foundation of mistrust, might not be so great.
So, in my conflict right now I am working toward building a base of trust. Trusting myself to do the right things. Trusting others to do what they say they will do. Showing them that I can do what has been agreed to. I feel pretty conflicted over all of it but am willing to put myself out there and learn a new way.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Humbled
It is so humbling to me right now to see my actions for what they really are. To have messed up in such a big way, right at the start of a new path for me. Realizing that I acted so dismissive toward an authority figure is not setting well with me at all.
I am trying to find the positive here.... I guess maybe the fact that I do really see it now. All blinders are off for sure. I am real sure that it won't be tolerated again. I am just as sure that I will put more effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
The way I feel right now is horrible. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to feel like this ever again. Maybe the positive there too is in the learning process. I learned something about myself. It isn't something I like and my heart hurts right now over the fact that I actually did this. I don't want this feeling to stay with me. I do want the memory of how I feel right now to stick with me. That way, when faced with the same situation again, I will remember how I feel right now and make a better choice then.
There is a part of me that really just wants to beat myself up right now. I hear the voice inside of me asking me how I could have been so stupid. I expect perfection. I have to understand that they don't expect perfection from me. They know I am going to mess up. This is to help me through a real trying time in my life. They want the best for me and want me safe. I have not been set up to fail. I have been set up to thrive and to grow and to learn.
What I did was a very willful act. A wrong one for sure. No one has ever called me on it before. Now, being faced with it, what it really is, I am at a crossroads. This is a place where I can learn. This is a place where I can choose a better way. Or I can just beat myself up. Which is something that would get me in trouble. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to punish myself. The if, when and how, is not in my hands. I am pretty sure that means that beating myself up emotionally is not going to fly.
ARRGGG, can I just do yesterday afternoon all over again? Where's a fairy godmother when ya really need one??
I am trying to find the positive here.... I guess maybe the fact that I do really see it now. All blinders are off for sure. I am real sure that it won't be tolerated again. I am just as sure that I will put more effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
The way I feel right now is horrible. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to feel like this ever again. Maybe the positive there too is in the learning process. I learned something about myself. It isn't something I like and my heart hurts right now over the fact that I actually did this. I don't want this feeling to stay with me. I do want the memory of how I feel right now to stick with me. That way, when faced with the same situation again, I will remember how I feel right now and make a better choice then.
There is a part of me that really just wants to beat myself up right now. I hear the voice inside of me asking me how I could have been so stupid. I expect perfection. I have to understand that they don't expect perfection from me. They know I am going to mess up. This is to help me through a real trying time in my life. They want the best for me and want me safe. I have not been set up to fail. I have been set up to thrive and to grow and to learn.
What I did was a very willful act. A wrong one for sure. No one has ever called me on it before. Now, being faced with it, what it really is, I am at a crossroads. This is a place where I can learn. This is a place where I can choose a better way. Or I can just beat myself up. Which is something that would get me in trouble. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to punish myself. The if, when and how, is not in my hands. I am pretty sure that means that beating myself up emotionally is not going to fly.
ARRGGG, can I just do yesterday afternoon all over again? Where's a fairy godmother when ya really need one??
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