Travelling this road of healing takes tremendous work some days. Work, that if I am honest, at times I just don't want to do. There are days that I want it all to just go away. There are days that turn out just beautiful. There are days that I look forward to the rising sun, because for me that means bedtime.
My body has adjusted itself to an odd schedule. I spent over a year not being able to sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time. Pain made sleep impossible. Even taking narcotic pain meds every 4 hours didn't help this problem. Now, either I have adjusted to the pain, or my body screamed for sleep loud enough, that my sleep pattern changed. Unless I have appointments early in the day, I can count on getting at least 6 hours of sleep at a time.
Some days, memories will flood over me. Most of them unpleasant, but not all. I have found it important to remember the good things. To force those images to the front as well. Not everything from the past was bad and I need to remember that.
It has been important for me to also take time off. To give myself a break from some of the horror that I remember. I can't imagine staying sane if I was dealing with the past, 24/7. Life is NOW. It isn't going to stand still for me while I deal with the past. I find things that I enjoy and do them on a regular basis.
I have had to learn to deal with high levels of stress. Memories can be very stressful. Especially during the times when memories seem to be relentless. I am fortunate to have wonderful people close to me who remind me that it is memory and not something that is happening right now. I may be physically and emotionally experiencing the brutality of being raped when I was seven but thank god they can reach in and grab a hold of me until the sensations stop. It is stress-filled. I have had to find things that help me deal with that stress.
Everyone's journey toward healing is going to be different. And, every journey is worth it.
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