Being Triggered

Honestly, I hadn't thought about this incident in a long time.  Today it came up and slapped me in the face.  Instant tears were running down my cheeks.  There was no way to hold them back.  All the pain of loss and remembering completely took me over.  My partner was with me.  We were simply watching a television show together.  She saw the same image I did, saw me and knew exactly what had happened to me.  The television was shut off and she got in my face, telling me I was okay, that she understood, that she saw the tears and they were ok too.  I could not speak.  She told me that she knew I had loved this other person.  She held me, she helped me up and swatted my backside.  Might sound crazy to someone else, but she was breaking through the flashback and bringing me back to her.  I am glad that she did.  Staying in that pain would not have resulted in a good outcome.
When I started this journey of healing, I was in pretty bad shape.  I didn't understand what was happening to me.  I couldn't think straight.  Fear and anxiety hit the roof and I was not functioning well at all.  Friends were finding me literally under the dining room table curled up into a ball and fighting them if they tried to get me out of there.  I thought I was going insane.  For me, I couldn't think of any other reason that this was happening to me.  I would double over in physical pain or curl up on the sofa.  When I could speak again, all I could say is that it felt like someone just raped me.  Every ounce of me hurt.
See, I have PTSD.  My mind protected me while all the abuse was happening.  When I was in a safer place emotionally and physically, my entire body decided that it was time to deal with the traumas.  Very early on, I met a woman named Ruth.  She was at least 10 years older.  She also had been dealing with almost identical issues for much longer.  Over the next year we became best friends.  We both faced suicidal thoughts frequently.  That made us make a suicide pact.  If we couldn't keep ourselves alive for us, then we would know that if we went through with it, we would also be killing our best friend.  If one of us killed ourselves, the other one would follow within 48 hours.  It actually became a strong deterrent.  I didn't want to be blamed for my best friend's death.  I looked up to her at times.  She was older, stronger and in the lowest of lows we encouraged one another to keep fighting.
I am not strong enough right now to tell much more about Ruth's story or mine.  Ruth did not make it.  She committed suicide.  My therapist at the time, knew of our pact.  When she heard about Ruth's death, she immediately put me in the hospital.  If nothing else, I AM a woman of my word.  Those who knew me, knew that I would follow through.
The picture on the television today was of a woman sitting on a bed and dumping a bottle of pills in her hand to end her life.  It sent my mind and emotions straight back to the moment when I was told that Ruth was dead.  She also had taken all the meds that she had.
Being triggered, is not pleasant at all.  Feeling the original pain all over again doesn't lessen when it is brought up like that.  In that moment, for me, I had just been told that Ruth killed herself.  And yes, our pact slapped me in the face.  I am alive.  I am still fighting.  I am still living and breathing and hurting and growing.  AND, I miss my friend.