The Monster

That is how I refer to the first man who sexually abused me.  I call him the Monster.  My first image of him and the abuse is from before I was 2 years old.  Without mentioning the monster that was a part of the memory, I described what I remembered to my mother.  I described the empty room, looking out a big window and that it was only my father and me there.  My mother told me that I could not possibly have remembered that because I was around 18 months old!  She told me it was the house that the family was moving into then and that my father had taken me with him when he went to sign the lease.  I described to her perfectly the room and the low window.  I just didn't tell her about the monster..

See, *the Monster* was something that I had a few nightmares over.  It was a long necked red haired monster.  I was very tiny, looking up at my father but all I could see was the monster.  I couldn't see my father but he was there.  I was afraid of the monster.  My first therapist after talking to me about this a few times, asked me if I knew where the monster had come from.  I had no freaking idea.  She asked me to tell my mother about it (The empty room, etc) and see if she could pin point how old I might have been.  Armed with that information, proof that it was a real memory and my age, my therapist did something horrible to me.  She asked me if I thought I could draw a picture of the Monster.  I knew I could and so I started drawing it for her.  When I was finished drawing and coloring it, she looked at it.  Then she showed it to me and asked me what I saw.  I started to say *The Monster* from my nightmare and then I was floored as recognition hit me.  I was staring at a drawing of a man's erect penis!  My father is a red head.  Seeing  it from underneath and looking up because I was so tiny, it was my father's erect penis and it was my Monster!

Right now I refer to this abuser as the Monster.  My therapist continually corrects me and says *your father*.  I continually get angry with her over it.  She keeps pushing my buttons, which is not usually a good thing!  So far, I have needed to keep the Monster and my father separate.  I just haven't been ready to really embrace the fact that they are one and the same person.