Choosing Strength

  Had a discussion earlier where Mickey asked me to please not sabotage myself.  She acknowledged that I am having a hard time right now.  She even acknowledged all my feelings.  She has never said that I shouldn't feel a  certain way.  She has pointed out to me some reasons why my feelings might not exactly be based on the actual reality of the situation.  Giving me examples of what she has seen.
Yesterday was not the best of days.  The accumulation of a few different things all came together bringing me to a point where I simply quit. Grabbing a hold of something I think I can control, and just taking over.
After I had calmed down last night and saw what I had written, I thought that it was ok, that I would feel differently today.  I don't.  Trying to reach for those boot straps and pull myself back up.  I can't.  What happened to my strength?  It's gone.
This is one of those moments when I know I am the one in control.  I have to decide what steps to take.  Make a choice that makes sense to me and is not harmful.  It is one of those times when I need to choose strength, even when I feel weak.
Choosing strength can be telling myself that I am doing nothing today.  It can be, setting everything aside and focusing elsewhere.  Choosing strength can be taking a break.  Choosing strength doesn't mean that I am not afraid, doesn't even mean I am strong.  It means acknowledging that right now is so hard.