Today I was little. I spent the day with Mommy and Daddie. I was not told that this was going to happen. It was planned without my knowledge. The day was perfect. Going out treasure hunting at different stores. All of us found something too. I even got taken out for ice cream! Daddie dropped Mommy and me off at the house. I got to color some while Mommy did dishes. Then, well, things didn't go so great. Mommy told me it was time for a nap. After a day of playing and being silly and having fun, taking a nap is not what I wanted! I wasn't a good girl at all. I didn't like being told what to do and Mommy didn't like me not obeying her either. I got angry. All of a sudden I just sort of blew up. Before I knew it, I had hit her with my stuffed elephant! My elephant is softer than even a pillow but that is not the point.
This was a re-enactment session of something that happened a long time ago. Daddie Mickey and Miss Jenn, walked me through this masterfully. For years, hitting my mother has tormented me on multiple levels. In the past, I was the only one that was NOT in trouble. The horror of seeing my mother spanked because of something I had done, as well as watching her punished because she just tried to discipline me, has been excruciating. I can't describe the guilt the grown woman has felt over this incident. Today, I experienced that guilt from the mindset of the little me. That little me broke down and cried over and over again while over Mommy's knee. The scolding that has been decades in coming, broke me. The spanking has me still not wanting to sit down. I am red and bruised and swollen and deserved every bit of it. I will never ever forget it. After *Mommy* got me calmed down and tears wiped away, she informed me that I had to tell Daddie too. Daddie came home. As a little girl in the past, things were so messed up back then that by the time my father came home that day, I couldn't wait to get my mother in trouble. Not this time. I cried again trying to tell *Daddie* what I did and that I was spanked. Then, Daddie spanked me for it too! I was told to go apologize to my Mommy. I know I got the words out and then I sobbed. I have never cried like that over something from my past. I never cried as a little girl. It all came flooding out of me, and that WAS the point.
This is something that the 3 of us had talked about for months. The two of them had a very clear understanding of what had happened back then. They both knew all too well what that memory was doing to me now, the impact on my life. They knew the places where I was stuck. We had talked about it many many times. We went over all the *what-ifs* Then, I put it all in their hands. I wanted no control. I didn't want to know when the session might happen. I didn't want any say over any part of what was going to take place. The two of them honored that. My biggest fear was that I might actually slap Miss Jenn. This was talked out over and over and over. I would have been devastated if I had actually hit her, or anyone. I am not like that.
Today was about healing. Today was about closure. Today was about a new beginning. Today was about stepping forward unhindered from the guilt.
Thank you Daddie & Mommy (Mickey & Miss Jenn)
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