Life

Life sure has a way of throwing curve balls continually at us.  It seems that it then becomes a hit or miss.  We think we have enough information to make the best possible choice for ourselves.  We make choices based on the info we do have.  Still, sometimes, it just isn't enough.
What do we do?  How do we take the next step?  I wonder sometimes where the next step even is.  The unpredictability can be maddening.
All I can say is that we need to own up to our mistakes and wrong choices and then do all we can do to make better ones with the new information.

Memorial Day

I am proud to be an American.  I believe that I live in the best country in the world.  Sure there are problems.  There are some things that I disagree with.  There are views and practices that I wish didn't exist.  But, I live in a place where freedom has been fought for and won.  I live in a place where disagreeing with my government and expressing my opinion is not a death sentence.
We all can easily find the bad and exploit it.  Crime is everywhere and seems to be rising.  Poverty and homelessness continues to grow.  So, how can I say that I love this place and that it is the best country in the world?
I remember watching the jets fly into the World Trade Center towers.  I remember that gut wrenching feeling that brought tears of disbelief and grief to my eyes.  I also remember the people rushing into harms way to help others.  I remember the lives lost.  I remember the sea of American flags that blanketed my city, my State and my Nation.  There were no strangers.  We were a Nation of friends and family who stood up and stood together when it mattered most.
When I stand as one who served with the military, I feel humbled by the attention and the gratitude of others.  I think that many Veterans feel this way.  We served where so many of our brothers and sisters sacrificed all.  We did jobs to the best of our ability.  Honoring the fallen is much more than a tradition.  It is an expression of so much that is great about our nation.  Honoring their sacrifice is not for them, it is for us, the living.  Remembering that freedom is not free.  It costs dearly and has been paid for with blood shed and lost lives.

Checking In

Writing has not been a priority lately.  I am still working my way through a lot of things.  I am learning that it is okay to give myself a break.  It is okay to simply exist for a little while.  In that quiet place, I can be safe and protected from all of the yuck for a little while.
It is not a forever state of being, just a survival one.
I have always been a believer of listening to my body and what it needs.  I am not always very good at that, but, I do try.  I believe that the quietness right now is as healing as it is protective.  I am not sitting around obsessing over things.  I am not really thinking about much.  I am simply quiet.

Spanking

The hand, the sting, the power, the surrender, the dance, the closeness, freedom.

Often, this is what spanking is like for me.  My mind often goes to a more innocent time where I am with a trusted care giver who loves me.  She loves me enough to also discipline me.

This is not an *always* thing.  It occurs more when I am highly stressed.  In my head, I often don't have to have done anything wrong that I am being disciplined for.  It is more about that more intimate closeness that sets my world more right again.

Just Kidding

Time heals all wounds

Ever wonder how true the old statement, time heals all wounds, really is?  With all the emotional things I have been going through lately, I have wondered about it.  What role does time have in healing?  Is it more than just distance from what ever caused the wound in the first place?  I have wondered if it is time that gives us time to process it, or even just time to mature in some circumstances.
With time, most physical wounds will heal.  I cannot heal myself.  I do not know how to heal a physical wound.  It is something that my body instinctively knows how to do and begins the process in most cases.  I do not have to tell my body to do it.  It knows it needs to and begins to try.
Those emotional wounds do not work in quite the same way.  Most of us do have a survival instinct and do try to protect ourselves from harm.  I don't think we set out to harm ourselves emotionally.  I do believe that we have to set out purposely to heal ourselves from emotional wounds.  I also know that this process does indeed take time.
The healing process is different for each of us.  It also can be very different for each wound inflicted.  My advice is to give it time and give it the necessary effort.  How long?  However long it takes!

Unsure

A journey from the heart... it began as a telling of my own personal story.  A memoir of sorts, years back.  It was only in the form of poetry for a long time.  I really never thought that anyone would want to read my memories.
Life has taken quite a few twists and turns since I first wrote out the words, *A journey from the heart.*  I write poetry a lot less now.  The creativity is there but the want-to is not.  At the moment, the want-to for a lot of things, is missing.  The stress in my life is pretty maxed out.  Survival mode has really kicked in.
The way I feel is understandable under the circumstances.  I am not sure what I need and even less sure of what I want.
I am more a creature of habit and change often throws me for a loop.  There are a lot of changes that I am dealing with.  I am surrounded by people and yet inside myself I feel very alone.  People have offered to help in any way that they can.  Help is there for me.  The problem is that I don't know what to tell them.  I do not know what is needed, except time.

Some won't like you.

Scars

I heard a quote today that stayed with me.  Scars only show us where we have been they do not dictate where we are going,  As a survivor, this means a lot to me.  As a person who has been going through hell these past few days, it also means a lot.
My parents actually found a way to reach back beyond the grave and again slap me in the face.  It isn't important anymore.  The pain is gone or buried so deep that I can't feel it anymore.  When I think of the two of them, I feel nothing.  I recognize that they were full of lies and deceit and probably didn't know how to be any other way.
My father's funeral was today.  I did not attend.  I also did not speak to any one from my family and I do not want to.  I want it all to go away.  I hurt, but not because he is gone.  I hurt because he existed.  I hurt because of what they did.  The blinders from childhood are gone.

Grief

My father passed away Sunday morning.  I have been in a fog.  A part of me has completely shut down.  I do not want to think or do anything.  I feel heavy, sluggish.  Mickey is actually dealing with as much of the legal stuff as she can which is a great help to me.  I would be lost without her.
Time will be the healer here I think.
There is a lot to deal with both emotionally and practically.  I am going through the motions at the moment.  Eventually I will feel more like myself again I am sure.  For now, nothing feels right or good.

Saying goodbye...

I spoke with my sister again today.  Our father is still declining.  I took the opportunity to say goodbye over the phone to him.  I feel it was sort of pushed on me and that I did it more for my little sister's sake and not my own.  Everyone will be surprised if he makes it through the weekend.
I still do not know how I feel and that has to be okay.  My head is filled with memories both good and bad.  They clash with one another in the vast differences.  There is no feeling attached to them.  It is more, just pictures that pop up in front of me.  I do realize that a part of me doesn't want to deal with any of this.
Even though it does feel like it at times, I have learned that my past is not all bad.  At the moment, I would rather not remember any of it.  It feels like it would be safer to just be numb.  I don't want to remember the good because it might mean that his passing will hurt more.  I do not want to feel grief or sorrow.  I don't want to go through that pain.  I also don't want to remember the bad.  I don't want to think of him like that.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.
As unrealistic as all of that is, it is where I am at.  I feel somewhat like a little girl lost.

A Friend

My Father

Ever since my sister called me night before last, I have been in a strange place in my mind.  She has been the care-giver to our dad these last few years.  He has been in hospice care for quite a few months now.  At the moment he has taken a turn for the worst and they don't know if he will recover.  I honestly do not have any idea how I feel.  I think a part of me just wants it to be over with.  I physically separated myself from all of them a very long time ago.  For the most part, I believe I am also emotionally unattached as well.  I have no intention of going back there, ever.  I will not be attending a funeral and I don't care if I receive anything from the estate.

Does this make me a horrible person?
Am I suppose to feel something?
Is it okay to just want this chapter in my life to come to a close?

My heart doesn't feel cold, it feels empty.  Is everything that I have felt for him in the past, just gone?  They are trying to keep him calm and as peaceful as possible.  His whole body is failing and he is gasping for air.  I don't wish a death like this on anyone, not even him.  I wish he would just go to sleep and not wake up.  I want it all brought to an end.  Is it that I want the end for him or for myself?  Maybe, it is both.

Strong Women

Puppies

I am sitting here listening to four 5 week old chihuahua puppies, cry to be let out of their huge kennel.  They were just fed and have plenty of room to play.  One of them has me belly laughing because he has just learned how to howl.  It is the most pitiful yet adorable sound I have heard in a long time!  I would let them out to play except for the fact that it is 3:30am.  This is not a time that I want them to become accustomed to being out and running.
Most chihuahuas have only two puppies at a time.  Ours actually had 5 of them.  The runt passed away shortly after birth.  The rest are feisty and healthy.  They are so healthy and big that the four together are about as strong as mom and she has trouble getting away when they all are latched onto her.  She now feeds them about 3 times a day and we supplement with puppy milk and solid food that is moist.
It is funny how taking care of something that is vulnerable can change a person.  It will often bring out the best in us.  Watching them play always makes me smile no matter my mood.

Do No Harm

Mickey says frequently, Why would I break my toys?  She asks, why would she *break* the one she enjoys playing with?  Oh, she very much expects to set my backside on fire.  There is nothing about that, that she doesn't love.  It is the whole idea of *harm*.  That is something that she would never do intentionally to me or anyone that she was playing with. There are a lot of people out there that do not have those same standards.
At the moment, I have a very high need to be spanked.  I am sure that she would love to as well.  She hasn't because my hips are not well.  She refuses to do anything that might cause harm to my hips.  As much as my soul is screaming to be spanked, I too must heed the call of *do no harm*.  Stress with us has been through the roof.  We could each use a time of spanking.  We each know that, giving into that right now, could have long term effects on my body.  So, we are not having our times of spanking.
I need spanking like other's need touch.  Everything in my world is in an uproar right now without it.  Spanking centers me and makes my crazy world okay again.  And, here I am without it and faced with the *do no harm* rule.  The thing is though, that even without Mickey feeling the same way, I would still need to stand up to a Top and tell them that spanking me could cause damage right now, or more damage in my case.  I would have to set a hard limit based on the health of my body.
When you go to play, think about that.  Take responsibility.  Keep yourself safe and do no harm!

Frustrations

I so want to write about my frustrations, my fears, my panic of the moment.  Stress is through the roof.  For me that means that pain is as well.  I don't know what to do and I don't see a way out.
I am trying to stay calm.  Trying to minimize the effects on my body.  It is not working, but I am trying.
I need help.  We need help.  I am at a loss.
This is the train of thought that I have had all day.  It can so easily send me into a downward spiral.  Yes, I really do need help right now.  Yes, I have no idea what to do.  Yes it is all extremely frustrating.  Worrying over it all is just making me feel worse.  My worry is not going to change the facts.  That doesn't mean that I and my partner haven't been brain storming, we have.  We are trying to keep one another sane and figure out if there are any options.
So far every direction we look is a dead end.  How do we face what looks impossible and not fall apart in the process?  I think it is all in how we each handle frustrations.  Frustration in not knowing where or how we are going to fix the problem we face.  We can stress over it, worry over it and like I was doing today, pull myself into the pits.  Or, we can find another way to deal with how we feel about what is happening.  Still, trying to find a solution.  It is not easy.  This situation feels impossible.  Trying to remember that I have faced very rough times before and made it through.  Need to believe that I will get through this one too.

Times of Torture

The naughty corner.  It is a torture device for me.  Especially if I am there and I don't know for sure whether or not a spanking or something else is coming too.  There are just some things that mess with our minds.  The corner, the hairbrush smacking against their palm, the raised eyebrow...

There is also the circling of our bodies.  You know.... where they walk around us and we are on edge not knowing exactly when the next strike is going to land?   The sound of the heels against the floor? 

Curiosity

I have been dealing with some heavy issues lately.  My blog kind of shows that a little.  For me, my brain doesn't really rest.  There are times that I need to force my thoughts away from a certain subject.  I am the type of person that really wants to understand.  When my head gets a hold of something, it can go for days.  Curiosity takes over and I often see things from many different angles.  I tend to look for the things that are not obvious.
I was the type of student that loved doing research papers.  I could get totally lost in a subject.  I would follow it down as many paths as I could.  Not knowing for sure what I would find, always intrigued me.
We all see things differently.  We have our own paths to discovery.  I hope we never lose our curiosity.

Predator

The lion goes to work when it is hungry.  It is a predator.  No prey is safe while it is hungry.  It seeks it's prey and feasts on it until it is sated.  Once it is sated, the predator and prey live in peace once again.  They live in the same grasses.  They share the same water source.  All is peaceful until the lion is once again hungry.
*This* is life in the home, for children who are sexually abused.  As long as the predator's *need* is sated, often all is calm.  Outsiders looking in see the calm peace between episodes of hunger growing.  So many voices stay silent about what is happening to them.  The silence is because of so many things.  Sometimes it is fear from threats.  Sometimes it is fear of not wanting to upset the peace and quiet.
We teach kids to be afraid of strangers.  What about the danger in their every day environment?

I owe no explanations

Tears

I heard someone today say that tears are not a sign of weakness.  They were trying to say that tears are very powerful.
  As I have sat here and thought about it, my view has changed a little.  I still don't like crying and likely never will.  I will probably always fight that urge.  What I have gained by wondering about the power of tears, has given me an insight.
Tears carry and express the deepest grieving, and shed and flow for the greatest of loves.
It is often the most powerful of feelings that bring tears to our eyes.  Tears span the depths of grief.  All that we are feeling in those times are sometimes only expressed through tears.  There are times when words come up against a brick wall and then tears break through the barriers and begin to fall.
I had never really thought about tears being powerful or a helpful aid in unspeakable circumstances, before.  In the past I have always said that I understand that tears cleanse the body.  That didn't really mean anything to me.  This does.

I'm Ok - 2

Have you ever answered the question, how are you, with *ok*?  I know I have and I bet most of us have.  Has anyone then asked you, what does *okay* mean?  I have been one who asks that question and been asked it as well.
In my younger years, okay, often meant simply that I was not feeling fear.  I can't say that I knew what any other emotion actually felt like.  If I did, I didn't have a name for them.  I am sure I had moments of happiness and joy.  To describe my feelings in those times, I had only the word, *fun*.
Asking a survivor of childhood abuse of any sort, what they are feeling, you may likely be answered with a blank stare.  In so many cases, emotion of any kind has been denied.  We were not allowed to have them.  We were not allowed to express them and we often were told they were not even real.  What we knew were fear and pain.  What we learned was to answer, * I am okay*.
Trusting my own feelings was impossible.  An abuser hurting my body was often accompanied by the words, *you like this don't you?*.  Pain, fear, disgust, confusion were all real things that I felt, but I was told that I like it.  Talk about adding confusion to confusion!  Adults can easily convince children that lies are truth.
Tears were not allowed.  They were not allowed by some of the adults.  They also were not allowed by me.  Holding back something to myself that they could not take from me.  When I was 11, I jumped out of a tree and landed on a board with a nail sticking up.  It hurt like hell but I didn't cry.  I hopped home with the board attached to my foot and the nail sticking out of the top of my shoe/foot.  Sometimes, this is the life of a survivor.  Even when there is a real reason to cry, we have no emotional response.  We try to smile and respond by saying that we are okay.
Next time that you find yourself responding with *I'm okay*, take a moment and ask yourself what that means to you right then.

I'm Ok

How are you?  It is a question we ask or are asked pretty regularly.  It does seem like the standard answer is, *I'm ok* or something similar.  It also seems that often it is a polite question that we really don't wish to answer truthfully.  Nor, do we really want the other person to either.  Many times I have been asked about how I am doing and before I can answer, the other person has already moved on.
Where in the world did this practice come from and why do we still do it, when often, especially with strangers, we are not really even interested?
I am just as guilty as the next person.  I have asked others how they are, out of habit.  Occasionally, I am surprised with some brutal truth.  I don't mind this at all when it is a close friend.  I have asked it out of a real desire to know what is or has been going on in their life.  When I get the same candid truth from a stranger, it is uncomfortable.
Some of us too are guilty of not listening to the answer to this question.  Many times, I have asked it and had someone respond, *not very well, thank you*.  Sometimes, I have wondered if they responded this way to see if I really have listened to their response.  When I first started speaking publicly, I learned to actually listen to those who came to me afterward.  My biggest problem then was trying to help them find a stopping point.
We seem to ask this question out of politeness and then respond rudely.  We either don't care or don't wait for an answer.  I am not against being polite.  I think we actually need more of it in our world.  I believe we need more compassion.  Let's just make it real.  No more veiled attempts at being polite.

And...Life goes on.

 Wondering where my thoughts will take me tonight...

Right now I can not be spanked because the hip I fell on keeps swelling up repeatedly.  Daily the pain sky-rockets and it usually hurts more to sit than to stand.  ER doctors see the problem, my doctor says there is nothing wrong.  It all sucks.  Being spanked always makes my world a little better.  The fact that my doctor won't help me is effecting me on multiple levels.  Physically and emotionally I feel like she is putting me through hell.  And... life goes on.
I wonder sometimes how others deal with physical pain.  I have an entire tool chest of things that I can do.  I use multiple methods to try to keep the pain at a manageable level.  When my tool box is emptied then often the tears will fall.  It is frustrating to never be pain free.  And... life goes on.
There are times when we are just dealt a rotten hand in our lives.  I am not a card player but even I know when it is time to fold.  There comes a time when I feel like I must just choose to sit this one out because I see no other solution.  When I have done everything I know to do and nothing changes, I know I am wasting my energy.  That is never a good thing.  And... Life goes on.
See, that is the thing.  Whether we actively participate or not, whether we like it or not, life keeps moving forward.  Do we want to waste our time and energy fighting a losing battle?  Do we really want to stay in the same vicious circle?  At what point do we call it quits and break the cycle?  I get tired of the same old fight but ya know what?  Life is going to keep going on and we do have a choice of where to concentrate our energy.

Abuse

Most of the time, I am hyper aware of my surroundings.  For me it has very much been a learned behavior.  At an early age I learned to read other's body language.  I could tell by a glance who in the room I needed to stay away from.  Those that molest children often have a certain look on their face.  I do not know how to explain it at all.  Inside me, I just know.  In my life I have spent a lot of time with men who molested me and others.  When they are working up to acting on their urges, they change.  They do not all have the same patterns but so far they have all had the same sort of aura about them.  It is something palpable that I can feel.
Some of them would become very friendly acting like they were my new best friend.  Others would start gifting me things.  When any one got overly nice, all of the red flags would fly up.  I saw and knew the signs but could not do a single thing to stop it.
Trusting others is not easy for me.  Simply accepting that someone wants to help me or even just be nice always sets off warning flags in me now.  I have known way too many people who always had ulterior motives.  That early learning and conditioning is hard to overcome.
A sex offender may use and harm the physical body for a short period of time.  It is the emotional effects that tend to hang on for so long.  In some cases it goes on for years and years.  The whole person is affected, not just the body.    There is no, *just get over it* when it comes to abuse.  It is something that has to be tackled head on.  It takes work, hard work to work through what was committed against us.  We may come to terms with it and still have triggers that can set us right back there in to that horror.
Some of my abusers even blamed me for the abuse.  They told me I looked at them a certain way that told them I wanted it.  Or I was wearing their favorite color, so that told them I was asking for their attention.  Their reasons are sick.  Their justifications, even sicker.  So many survivors blame themselves.  As children we were too often told that it was our fault.  It is NOT!  It WAS not!  Survivors need to reclaim their innocence.  And, first, we have to actually believe that we were innocent.

Right to Choose Change

Little by little, we change.  The choices we make and the stuff life throws us, all work toward making those changes.  The fact is, we will never be who we were.  The person of yesterday is gone.  We are who we are *today*.  Sometimes others don't like it much.  Sometimes we don't even like it ourselves.  But, this is where we are and who we are, in this moment.  The changes we have made for ourselves doesn't always sit well with our family and friends.  Every single person has an opinion.  But ya know what?  They have not and cannot walk in our shoes.
Sometimes we make changes because we absolutely have to.  It could be for financial reasons, health reasons, etc.  Hopefully the changes we choose to make are done so with the best of intentions.  Hopefully these changes are made because we also have our best interest at heart.  People are going to judge.  That just seems to be the nature of the beast.  It is far too easy for others to look into our choices and condemn us for them.  Something as simple as a haircut can sometimes be enough fuel to get all the negativity from others going.
It is time to face the fact that we are adults who have the right to make choices for ourselves.  Good, bad or indifferent in the eyes of others.  I am the person living inside of my skin, not anyone else.  I am the person who needs to provide for myself in the best ways that I know how and can actually do.  I wonder sometimes if those who judge our choices do so because they somehow think that they should have been consulted first.  I am not talking about a spouse or partner but of those outside of that relationship.
It is okay to choose change.  It is okay if no one understands.  We have the freedom to make choices for ourselves.  So often the choices we make are with the intention to make our lives better in some way.  Rarely in my experience has the choices been to purposely harm someone else