Ever since my sister called me night before last, I have been in a strange place in my mind. She has been the care-giver to our dad these last few years. He has been in hospice care for quite a few months now. At the moment he has taken a turn for the worst and they don't know if he will recover. I honestly do not have any idea how I feel. I think a part of me just wants it to be over with. I physically separated myself from all of them a very long time ago. For the most part, I believe I am also emotionally unattached as well. I have no intention of going back there, ever. I will not be attending a funeral and I don't care if I receive anything from the estate.
Does this make me a horrible person?
Am I suppose to feel something?
Is it okay to just want this chapter in my life to come to a close?
My heart doesn't feel cold, it feels empty. Is everything that I have felt for him in the past, just gone? They are trying to keep him calm and as peaceful as possible. His whole body is failing and he is gasping for air. I don't wish a death like this on anyone, not even him. I wish he would just go to sleep and not wake up. I want it all brought to an end. Is it that I want the end for him or for myself? Maybe, it is both.
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