Abuse

Most of the time, I am hyper aware of my surroundings.  For me it has very much been a learned behavior.  At an early age I learned to read other's body language.  I could tell by a glance who in the room I needed to stay away from.  Those that molest children often have a certain look on their face.  I do not know how to explain it at all.  Inside me, I just know.  In my life I have spent a lot of time with men who molested me and others.  When they are working up to acting on their urges, they change.  They do not all have the same patterns but so far they have all had the same sort of aura about them.  It is something palpable that I can feel.
Some of them would become very friendly acting like they were my new best friend.  Others would start gifting me things.  When any one got overly nice, all of the red flags would fly up.  I saw and knew the signs but could not do a single thing to stop it.
Trusting others is not easy for me.  Simply accepting that someone wants to help me or even just be nice always sets off warning flags in me now.  I have known way too many people who always had ulterior motives.  That early learning and conditioning is hard to overcome.
A sex offender may use and harm the physical body for a short period of time.  It is the emotional effects that tend to hang on for so long.  In some cases it goes on for years and years.  The whole person is affected, not just the body.    There is no, *just get over it* when it comes to abuse.  It is something that has to be tackled head on.  It takes work, hard work to work through what was committed against us.  We may come to terms with it and still have triggers that can set us right back there in to that horror.
Some of my abusers even blamed me for the abuse.  They told me I looked at them a certain way that told them I wanted it.  Or I was wearing their favorite color, so that told them I was asking for their attention.  Their reasons are sick.  Their justifications, even sicker.  So many survivors blame themselves.  As children we were too often told that it was our fault.  It is NOT!  It WAS not!  Survivors need to reclaim their innocence.  And, first, we have to actually believe that we were innocent.