I spoke with my sister again today. Our father is still declining. I took the opportunity to say goodbye over the phone to him. I feel it was sort of pushed on me and that I did it more for my little sister's sake and not my own. Everyone will be surprised if he makes it through the weekend.
I still do not know how I feel and that has to be okay. My head is filled with memories both good and bad. They clash with one another in the vast differences. There is no feeling attached to them. It is more, just pictures that pop up in front of me. I do realize that a part of me doesn't want to deal with any of this.
Even though it does feel like it at times, I have learned that my past is not all bad. At the moment, I would rather not remember any of it. It feels like it would be safer to just be numb. I don't want to remember the good because it might mean that his passing will hurt more. I do not want to feel grief or sorrow. I don't want to go through that pain. I also don't want to remember the bad. I don't want to think of him like that. Not now. Maybe not ever.
As unrealistic as all of that is, it is where I am at. I feel somewhat like a little girl lost.
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