Miss Jenn

I have said a few times that Miss Jenn is my Disciplinarian.  I have the pleasure of working with her not only on my own issues but also as a second bottom in some of the sessions.  This is a woman who truly cares about the clients that she sees.  She delights in her art-work.  Taking an unmarked bottom and coloring it with the shades of red that please her most at that moment.
I have been spanked by many Women over the years.  She is the only professional disciplinarian I have ever seen.  I cannot compare her to any other professional disciplinarian.  I can compare her to the Tops, Dommes, Mistresses and professional Dominatrices that have spanked me.  Each of them were friends at the time and all of them enjoyed spanking.  Miss Jenn  definitely measures up to them and surpasses some!
When I met Miss Jenn for the first time, I was literally shaking from nerves.  For the first time ever, she was someone that I didn't know ahead of time.  I had no idea of her style and very little idea of her personality.  I had chosen not to just meet with her first and set a time for a spanking later.  For each of us, we were going into this without ever seeing the other's face.  There had been a short phone call and a couple of emails in the way of introduction and contact.
I felt so vulnerable.  It is very different going over the knee of someone you know and have seen spanking others.  Taking that step to go ahead with the spanking felt like jumping into the deep end of the pool and not being confident in my swimming skills.  Miss Jenn knows and understands this about the new people she sees.  She just has a way with others, the know-how to put them at ease with her.
For those of you who have been thinking about scheduling a session with her, I encourage you to just do it.  She knows her stuff, she knows people and she certainly knows spanking!

Times of Torture

The naughty corner.  It is a torture device for me.  Especially if I am there and I don't know for sure whether or not a spanking or something else is coming too.  There are just some things that mess with our minds.  The corner, the hairbrush smacking against their palm, the raised eyebrow...

There is also the circling of our bodies.  You know.... where they walk around us and we are on edge not knowing exactly when the next strike is going to land?   The sound of the heels against the floor? 

After

I have wondered where to begin.  The session from a couple days ago is still very much affecting me.  Physically I am still sore and I am very bruised.  When called for, Miss Jenn can have a very heavy hand.  With me, it was called for.  It was needed and it was received.  She has been given the freedom to take things as far as she thinks is necessary.  I have total trust in her as does Mickey.  With the two of them, I do not have a safe word.  This certainly is not for everyone and I wouldn't recommend it either.  I do know that if I called *red* they would stop and check in with me.  They would listen to what I had to say and they would decide then, if things continued or not.  Discipline is not up to me.  I didn't sign up for this, to be in charge.  They expect me to talk to them.  They expect me to tell them if something is wrong.  I am expected to communicate.  And, I do.
I have been searching for a word or words to describe what I am feeling.  Pliable is not a feeling but it is the word that I keep coming back to.  Soft, mold-able, teachable, compliant....  I want to behave.  I want to do the things that I am suppose to.  The *want-to* is there.  I also want to please.  I want to obey.  I want to be the best that I can be.
The guilt is gone.  It just isn't there anymore.  There has been a releasing.  The magnitude of what I was feeling has dropped away from me.  Somehow, I feel cleansed, new.

A Quote

I found this quote in an interview with Miss Chris : "I particularly enjoy taking a spankee on a tour of land and prospects they wouldn’t be able to explore with anyone else. I like to say I’m the Tour Guide through Hell, I can take you there, as deeply as you want to go, help you navigate while you’re there, and then lead you back out into the world a better, and stronger person."

I know that sometimes there is what is almost like a love/hate relationship with spankings.  The wanting and the need is there.  The build up while waiting for it is filled with so many different feelings.  The preparation can be thrilling and anxiety filled. The ritual of going over the lap, the raising of the skirt and rolling down of the panties. Then there is the actual spanking.  It might start off soft and easy or hot and hard.  Either way, it often builds up to a level of pain that sometimes we don't think we want any more.  It hurts!  I have been over a lap or two where I have wondered how I got myself into this and promised repeatedly that I would never ever do it again. Pretty much hating it as it gets more painful.  When it is done and over with - there is a release.  For me, very often a centering.  My world is okay again.  Whatever was going on prior to the spanking, is now different.  
I had never thought of it quite in the way that Miss Chris described.  A spanking partner or a Disciplinarian, can really do that with the one they are spanking.  They have so much responsibility placed on them.  They have to watch us, read our body language, watch the skin, the whole time, enjoying themselves as well.  After all, would they really do it if they didn't enjoy it?  Don't get me wrong, as the one being spanked, we are not off the hook in the responsibility department.  We are responsible for our well-being emotionally and physically.  Someone spanking us may say something unknowingly that triggers us in a bad way.  We have to own that and communicate that with the Top.  I will never be able to emphasis enough how important communication is.  More than that, it has to be honest, open communication.  There are somethings that we just don't want to share.  Whether it is from embarrassment or shame or something else, all I can say is SAY it anyway.  If you are preparing for a spanking, especially with a new person, be honest!  They are Tops, not mind-readers.  They can take us on an unforgettable journey and hopefully we want it to be a very nice one when we have reached the end.
I believe that a Disciplinary Spanker who takes on a bottom, does exactly what Miss Chris is describing.  Whether it is one session or many, if it is for discipline specifically, there is a type of journey that can take place.  Looking at those places where guilt has risen.  Being scolded for specific things.  Spanked for specific real life offenses.  Standing in the corner or writing lines.  There is a purpose in it.  The result so much of the time is the release of so much pent up emotion and guilt.  On the other side of the session emerges a person who is a little different, changed, stronger, lighter, freer, etc.

My Disciplinarian

The phone call led to a little more communication and setting a time to get together.  Everything just fell together in a beautiful and unexpected way.  Miss Jenn of Seattle was going to step into my life in a way that no one else ever had.  I dreamed of this.  I wanted this.  I was sure I wanted it.  Then when the day did arrive, I was a bundle of nervous excitement.  Heck, I didn't know what to expect.  I mean, I knew I was going to be given a spanking.  Just all these other thoughts came soaring through my mind too.  Would I be able to let myself go and step into the role of the little girl?  And, if I did embrace that role fully, would she also treat that little me with care?  Could I trust her with that?  Looking back, I am sure my concerns were pretty normal, but I found out that I didn't have anything to worry about.  I have done a lot of role-play and age-play before.  Never before was I able to let go and dive right into being that little girl.  Not the way that I did during that time.  Miss Jenn got it all, the shy bashful little girl to begin with, quickly followed by the willful, stubborn, defiant one who had never ever had anyone discipline her before.  She and I had decided on doing a mother/daughter scene.  Tackling right off the bat my disrespect for any female authority figure, starting off with what should have been my first female authority.  It was the right choice for me.  Miss Jenn balanced so well the need for strict discipline with a heart full of care and concern.  It was perfect for what she and I were playing out.  Anyone who has gone to see Miss Jenn knows that she has no problem flipping that switch from what comes across as kind friend, to no nonsense strict disciplinarian!  Experiencing that had a tremendous impact on me.  She stayed in character and dealt firmly with a defiant, tantrum throwing little girl.  That little girl me did not want to obey her and did a lot of protesting!  Staying true to what I imagine would be a maternal authority figure in every good sense of that position, Miss Jenn dealt with every action that little me gave her!  I was told why I was going to be punished and when I complained and said that she had never done that to me before, she acknowledged that she hadn't and told me that she DID know that it was long overdue.  Every act of willfulness on my part was met with her own willfulness, and guess who won out?  Sure, wasn't the little girl me.  Miss Jenn was so in-tuned to me and what was going on in me that even the hesitations on my part, the stalling, was met with *Crie Lin, I said now.*  No yelling, just a firmness and my full name that sliced through my rebellion almost instantly.
 Miss Jenn is most definitely a Spanker!    She IS a professional disciplinarian.  I was given the longest most intense spanking of my life.  She addressed real things from my past and let me know in no uncertain terms that I would no longer be getting away with them.  She reached in and touched that little girl part of me, reassuring that little girl that things would be different from now on.  Even letting me know that even though I had been so naughty for so long and getting away with it, that did not make me a *bad* girl.  I was a good girl who received a very long overdue spanking for some very naughty things.
There is so much I could continue to say.  So much that happened in that time together.  Really though, right now I still just want to keep it to myself.  I came away from it with an incredibly sore backside and a sense of freedom that I have never experienced before.  She and I will be getting together more.  She is a disciplinarian from Seattle and now too, she is my disciplinarian!
Thank You Miss Jenn!

My Journey To A Disciplinarian

When I originally wrote this I didn't have permission yet to use her name. Miss Jenn is the Disciplinarian I am referring to. 
You can find her at: spankingseattle.blogspot.com


When I wrote my last post, I knew that the next day I was going to be meeting with a woman who was going to discipline me.  I had stepped out of my comfort zone and asked for help.  So, I wrote to the woman after having done my homework.  There was no sort of picking a name out of a hat and saying *you* will do.  It was important to me to be as sure as possible that she and I would be a good fit.  My first email to her was polite and let me tell you, I listed my concerns right off the bat.  I will also admit that as I was writing it, I was shaking like crazy even though I was seated alone in my own home.  Clicking send, I didn't know if it would be seen any time soon.  I didn't know if it would just be ignored.  I just knew that I had to try.
I was responded to much quicker than I could have ever imagined.  I was stunned that she actually addressed each one of my concerns with a candor I had in no way expected.  She was very professional and at the same time answered each of my concerns in a very personal way.  I had told her what I was looking for.  Explaining that it would be role-play and I was very concerned that I might regress into the little girl that I was.  Her response went right to the heart of the matter.  She told me straight up that from the sounds of it, I probably would experience some regression. (that was not calming to me at the time, lol) And, went on to say that maybe that was exactly what I needed and that it might also prove to be very therapeutic for me.
I started filling out the application sent to me even though my heart was feeling pretty heavy at the prospect of the fees that I needed to come up with.  Being the girl that I am, I didn't see that as something blocking me, just a stumbling block that I knew I would get over.  Things worth having are worth fighting for.  I have found that the sacrifices I make that are intended for good, 99.9% of the time have a very positive outcome.  The sacrifices rarely have anything to do with me gaining something either.  Almost always it has been for the good of someone else.  So this too was a new step for me, a new path.
I took about 24 hours to very thoughtfully go through the application and fill it out.  All of this was done with my partner's full knowledge.  She was included in every step.  I was and am lucky enough that she too wanted this for me.  It was hard for her at first when I voiced the need for an interaction with a more feminine woman.  My partner, Mickey went through feelings of not being good enough, feelings of frustrations that she couldn't meet this need in me, and more.  We had for over 2 years very long and in depth conversations about this.  (Mickey is extremely butch and has a huge heart. Knowing that she couldn't do this for me was something she struggled with.  Oh, how she wanted to!  In that talking she actually discovered something in herself as well.  We had started out as Mistress and girl, we found out that what actually fit better in describing our D/s relationship with one another was Daddie Mickey and girl.  Now, Daddie comes out of my mouth with all the love and respect that had come with Mistress.  Her eyes light up still, every time I call her Daddie instead of Mickey.  We still share a D/s relationship and have added more role-play which includes Daddie and her lil girl.)  Not only did my partner come to accept that I had this need, she began looking for someone to fill it as well.  There have been a handful of women who have done some age play with me.  Just age-play, nothing too emotional.  The connection just wasn't there for me to go forward.  All of this was before I had any idea that something such as a Professional Disciplinarian even existed
I sent the application and stated the times I would pretty much always be available for a phone call.  With my crazy schedule, getting a hold of me on the telephone doesn't usually mesh very well with others.  The call would be to see how we each felt about the other.  You know, what sort of *vibe* would there be?  I didn't think anything more about it really.  I had taken the steps and we would just see where it goes.  I was proud of myself for going this far.  Of course I hoped that she and I would connect, see that we were on the same page, and so on.  When my phone rang the evening after I sent the application, it was the last thing on my mind when I answered the phone.  It was her!  This woman that I knew to be so very busy according to everything in her blog, found time in that schedule to call me and take me through another step in the process.  I was so freakin' startled and surprised that my voice was even shaking.  Getting past the nerves came pretty easy.  She made it easy.  She asked her questions and listened, really listened to me.  There was a connection and I knew without a doubt, that not only had she accepted me as a client, she was the right one!