Feeling Worthless

Most of us, I am sure, have days like this.  Feeling that our worth is buried somewhere deeply under the earth.  On our own scale of worthiness, we just don't measure up.  Feeling that I am not worth the time or attention of someone else, is something that has plagued me far too frequently.  The words, *you are worthless* were directed at me far more than *I love you* or any praise.
That feeling of worthlessness can hold me in place like cement.  The words of others do very little to break through that strong hold.  I don't even know what does break that hold.  Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from self-pity.  In those cases, I eventually come to my senses and kick myself in the ass.  I can and do tell myself to knock it off.
Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from having made bad choices or from letting others down.  It seems to come out of a sense of, (or even real) failure on my part.  When my choices effect others negatively or in a bad way, worthlessness can jump in and grab a hold of me.  I am very capable of beating myself up far worse than anyone else could do.  I am my worst critic.  It can become so easy to dwell on all the failures, thus fueling the feelings of worthlessness.
There has to come a point where I stand up and tell myself, Enough!  Acknowledging my failures, taking ownership of them and moving forward to fix the problems or put them behind me.  We all make bad choices.  We all make choices that end up hurting others.  Just make amends and move forward.  Apologize if need be, take the steps to make things right if you can, and put it behind you.  Stop the pity parties with worthlessness.  Evict those feelings permanently!

The Little Things

I am learning to be thankful for the little things.  Being able to acknowledge the small victories in my life right now. When it seems that life keeps throwing curve balls at me, I don't see a lot of options.  It would be so easy to just throw the towel in and pack up shop.  It takes a real turning of my thoughts to look at what is going right.
I am not saying that this is easy, it isn't.  Just like so many people, I really would rather complain about all the things that are going wrong.  Big and little things just keep happening.  It would be easier to just drown myself in the negativity.  Since I know that is not good for me I have been making myself look for the good.  Searching for even the smallest things to celebrate.
I have found that for me this almost always starts with being thankful for the basics of life, shelter, food, air to breathe, etc.  When I begin, going beyond that takes fighting with myself.  Maybe the little things are insignificant, but they are there.  Like with Mickey right now, her life is in danger because of this surgery not already having been done.  I am celebrating the fact that even her surgeon is involved and calling the insurance company that needs to okay it.  He is telling them that it needs to be done sooner rather that later.  He doesn't have to be involved like this but he is right in there fighting as well.  I am celebrating this fact and am thankful for it.
I like to eat pizza with a knife and fork, yes I am weird.  Today I could not cut it myself.  My arms just would not let me.  I am celebrating the fact that not only was I able to ask for help without feeling helpless about it, I have someone with me who cares for me and does things like that happily for me.  I wanted a shower and my hair washed.  I was too weak to do it all myself today.  My arms feel like they are made of lead.  The thought of trying to wash my own long hair was a bit overwhelming.  Again, I am celebrating the fact that I have help.  Yes, I am frustrated that my body won't always work the way I want it to.  I am also thankful that I have been blessed with help when I need it.
One of our chihuahuas had puppies about 6 days ago.  She actually gave birth to 5 of them.  Pretty unheard of for a chihuahua.  The pure white runt of the litter died on the second day even though we did everything right and was also bottle feeding it.  I am celebrating that we still have 4 super healthy puppies and a momma pup that is proving to be a great mother.  The little white one also passed away in Mickey's hands having love poured into it.  A little victory, something to celebrate.
The little things do matter.  They can change the negative into something more positive.

Life Lessons

Sometimes the path of life seems to spend way too much time in the desert of despair.  Our energy is sapped and rarely is there much we can do about it except keep walking as best we can.  It is not fair.  It is not pleasant.  It is just the fact of where we are at the moment.
I do believe that things happen for a reason.  Even, if I don't understand what the reason is at the moment.  Even if I don't understand what the reason is, ever.  I still believe.  It seems like so many things happen to teach me something.  Things like patience, humbleness, faith, love, humility, etc.
I can't say that I enjoy the lessons.  Many of them I would rather skip out on.
When my body is so exhausted that I can't bring myself to even brush my own hair, I feel very discouraged and frustrated.  Asking for and receiving help is not an easy thing for me.  Mickey, who is also my full time care-giver just steps in now and does it when she sees me struggling.  This has definitely taught me humility.  What I have seen as well, is that it leaves her with such a wonderful feeling to be able to help in a meaningful way.  I am not enjoying the lessons in my life.  At the same time, how can I deny her the wonderful feeling she gets from lending a hand?
I am one who loves to be able to give to others, expecting nothing in return.  It is a part of my personality.  Who am I to deny others the same sort of feelings just because it makes me feel humbled or makes me deal with the fact that I need help?  As people. we need one another.  I think that most of the lessons life tries to teach us are rarely lessons learned alone.

Learning to Love

I have been thinking about love the past couple of days.  Where does the ability to love someone come from?  Is love *just* an emotion? A feeling? An action?  I believe that we all are born with the capacity to love.  So I guess the first thing I believe about love is that it is a verb.  So, how do we learn to love?
I was never sure what love felt like.  I didn't know that anyone really loved me.  I didn't hear the words, I love you from my parents or anyone else in my life.  What I saw around me being done in the name of love, just wasn't appealing to me either.  I did see my mother and sister together sharing special times that I didn't experience.  I called it love and it probably was.  The affection between them was not something that I had with anyone.
I think we each develop our own sense of what love is to us.  We see children all the time parroting back an adults love.  It is shown in words and actions.  Is that how we learn it?  When we are loved, our capacity, to love, grows?  I think this is one of the keys.  We learn to love others and love our selves when we are first loved.  When we grasp our worth in the eyes of another.  I believe that this opens us up to accepting and giving love.  I think that when someone else shows us the things they cherish in us, it helps us to love ourselves which hopefully leads to us expanding that love by doing the same with others.

Expecting the Worst

It is strange to realize that for a large part of my life growing up, those closest to me, expected the worst from me.  Likely, I gave them exactly what they expected.  I know that I wasn't encouraged to behave.  I wasn't praised.  They never came to any award ceremony when I actually did excel.  Finally, I stopped even telling them of any successes.  I did not give them art projects or any of the things that kids would do with their parents.  They didn't believe in me and I guess that I felt the same way in turn.
I learned to expect the worst from myself and from others.  I couldn't see the good in myself.  I never really looked for the good in other people either.  I was definitely trapped in negativity.  Basically, that is all I knew.  With so many things, I didn't even want to try.  Why bother when I already was sure it wouldn't end good anyway?
I know now that what we pour into our friendships and relationships is what we will be getting out of them.  I do believe that if we expect the worst, that is exactly what we are going to draw to us.  I want people around me that are going to expect the best from me.  That still takes into account that we all have bad days.  We cannot possibly always give at 100%.    We cannot always be at 100%.  We can though, expect the best from ourselves and be realistic about it.  Our best may change from day to day.  Stop expecting the worst.  Embrace the best.  Celebrate it.  Give it to yourself and to others.

Don't Stop Walking

At times things can feel hopeless.  I have felt that some things were too hard.  I have felt that I would never find the freedom that I was seeking.  One of the most important lessons for me, is to not stop trying.  There is a need to keep walking.  Needing to believe that good things are just down the road.  It is so easy to fall short of the goal.  It takes real courage to keep going.  Keep walking.

Spanked

I was needing to be re-centered for sure.  Not for what *I* was thinking.  I was thinking that I needed it simply because I was all over the place.  I didn't think that anyone was upset with me.  I didn't think I had done anything wrong.  Well, I was wrong about that.

I made the mistake of saying that I was not a good submissive.  This actually is why I was spanked.

That negativity toward myself does not sit well with Daddie Mickey.  My Disciplinarian backed this up as well.  Telling me to stop thinking that I am not good enough.  I was given a very painful reminder that it is not okay to think this way.
I see that when I am struggling with different things and feel like I am all over the place, I am much harder on myself.  I do get caught in the trap of thinking bad about myself and my actions.  I wanted to be centered.  I wanted the spanking.  Until I was talked to and spanked, I didn't see what I had been doing.
What I thought was one thing, ended up being another.  I went to sleep with an extremely sore backside after that.  Not for one minute did I think that it was unfair.  I see the point.  Can't say that I enjoyed it at all.  It does though, make me now stop and think.  And, isn't that the point of discipline?

Wandering Thoughts

Wondering what is next... where will this exercise in writing take me?  Usually there is something, a phrase, quote, feeling, picture.  Right now I got nothing, lol.  So I am simply writing and wondering where I will end up.  Letting thoughts just flow.  I can't recall a time where I have stared at a page, getting ready to write and not had a single thought.  There are always thoughts.  When I feel *stuck* about writing, it is more that I just don't see a specific direction.  Like right now.

The past few days have been extremely emotional.  Having none of that at this moment feels great.  It is nice to know that the smile on my face is not forced.  Nothing has magically resolved itself and that is okay.  Having these places of rest and peace are very welcomed. 

 Feeling more *normal*.  Whatever normal is.  My normal is not going to be the normal for someone else.  I have said many times that normal is simply a setting on the dryer.  Too often there is a comparison to someone else's normal and it leaves me feeling lacking.  Whatever normal is, I often feel like I don't fit into it.  I needed to find an understanding that my normal is just fine for me.  There is nothing about it that harms any one else.  It doesn't make me unique.  It just makes me, me.

Leave A Trail

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." 

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I have walked this journey of healing, there have been times when I have been overwhelmed by suggestions on the way I should go.  Others have spoken to me about tried and tested roads to recovery from childhood sexual abuse.  It is not a case of who is right and who is wrong.  With each new thing from my past that I face, I am also faced with choices in how to deal with it.  There are different therapies and different approaches.  I am simply *me*.  As I have fought to move from victim to victorious, the methods used has changed as I became stronger and more willing to fight for freedom from my past.  

We are each unique.  Even if our pasts are identical, the paths that we take to become more free and stronger, are unlikely to be.  What works for one, may not work for another.  Understanding that this is okay, is important.  Sharing what has and has not been beneficial may be very helpful to someone else who is struggling with the same sort of issue.  It is okay to choose your own path and leave your own trail.  

The path that I am walking right now has evolved from different things that have been suggested to me, as well as from understanding myself better.  As a victim, I didn't have the right of choice.  I had no control.  Now, I do.  

There is no *cookie-cutter* approach to healing.  It is also not a sign of failure if some part of the path that is being walked, fails to have the hoped for outcome.  As we learn, grow and change, so does the things that are beneficial in healing, growing and becoming stronger.  

When my first therapist suggested and encouraged re-parenting for me, I was not ready.  She on the other hand continued to present it to me.  Today, although none of us are calling the way that we are interacting with one another, re-parenting, what I am experiencing is exactly what that woman wanted for me years ago.  She kept pointing me to that path, let me know that it was there and was an option that might be helpful to me.  After having become a lot stronger, it took me becoming so lost and stuck,  for me to see that path again as a possibility.  And, ya know what?  We are forging a new trail and it is working for me.

Still Learning

Earlier, I had a wonderful time at the Seattle Aquarium.  I was able to touch things I had never touched before in the different tide pools they had.  It was amazing to discover for myself that what looked like it would be slimy and sharp, was actually silky soft and smooth.  Braved the cold and watched the sea and river otters play.  Was amazed by all the stunning colors of all the living things in the aquariums. We had a wonderful time together.
On the way home we had a serious discussion.  It was about my father but then shifted to an observation that was made.  It was presented to me that I was repeating a behavior.  Mickey told me that when I am presented with her authority, not only do I turn away or go silent, I also do something else.  When I think that she is going to be upset with me, especially if I think I may be headed toward being disciplined, I turn on the charm and the silliness.  My eyes go bright, the smile gets huge and I try to get her laughing.  I try to make light of the situation and draw her away from exerting any authority.
Very gently and lovingly she told me that she is not the father who was so violent.  She reminded me that *she* is Daddie now and that she is never going to erupt in anger and harm me or someone else.  She told me that she sees me try to change her mood or change her mind.  She went on to explain it is the same pattern she sees from my childhood.  I was the one that met the angry man at the door and got him laughing and calmed him down so he wouldn't attack my mother or do anything bad.  When I think she is going to correct me for something, I go into playful, teasing mode and try to direct her somewhere else by being *cute*.  I had done it in the restaurant that we were in earlier so I knew exactly what she was talking about it.  In the car I acknowledged what she said, saw it and told her that I saw her point as well as the correlation.  I didn't need to do those same sorts of things any more.
A couple hours later at home, I told her I had been thinking about it.  By then, I really could see the behavior she was talking about, clearly.  We talked about it more and came to the conclusion that changing this behavior needed to be added to my list of things that I am living by right now.  Together we decided that at home, this behavior could continue, to a point anyway.  It was playful for the most part anyway.  BUT, it was no longer going to be tolerated in public.   Some things are okay at home, but not okay in public.  For me now, this is one of those things.  I will be warned once about what I am doing and expected to stop it immediately whenever we are out somewhere.
I don't have to be concerned that something *bad* is going to happen if I don't act all cute and change the attitude of the one with authority.
I also learned that some things are okay at home and just not okay out in public.  Not that I didn't know this before, hehehe, but this is different.  I didn't see this behavior that I was doing as anything other than just being silly.  I am still learning. ♥

Being Disciplined

I have been reminded a few times in the past 24-36 hours that I asked for this.  I asked for firm boundaries around me.  I asked that there be more discipline in my life.  I agreed to a 3 month contract of sorts.  I have been reminded that I asked to not be allowed to *get away* with things.  I have been reminded that my Counselor is on board as well.  I have been reminded that they agreed to hold me accountable.
Saturday, I was scolded.  I brought it on myself because I am the one who refused to do what I was told.  My Counselor was very direct and clear about what I was to do.  Her direction came after I had challenged both her and Daddie Mickey earlier.  During that few minutes I responded like a stubborn little brat.  I am not proud of it.  So when Pamela, (Counselor) told me I was ready and needed to write about and face the truth about my father, Pamela told me to tell them ( two other people) what she had told me to do.  So, I told those I was suppose to tell.  I was in a bad mood already.  Oh, I told them alright, what I had been told to do, then I told them that I didn't want to do it.  And, I didn't. Everything I said to them was all about,  *I don't want to do this.*
Ya know what?  I was not ready for the response I got.  I was scolded.  I was told that I knew what I was suppose to do.   I was told that Pamela's instructions were simple and clear and had told me exactly what I was to write about and do.  I wasn't given a threat or a warning that I had better do as I had been told. No.  After the scolding I was told that I was banned from Internet and TV until I decided to do what I was told.  Grounded!
It would be nice to be able to say that I took this well, saw the error in what I was doing and immediately changed my behavior.  *That* didn't happen.  I was instead, instantly stubborn.  The one enforcing this on me, knows me well enough that she continued on and told me that if I started whining or being a brat, a belt would be used on my back side.  So, I can't whine and I can't be a brat, I can't watch television and I can't get on the internet.  I handled it so well that I instantly told the person doing this to me that I did NOT like her right then!  I looked to Daddie Mickey who just shook her head and actually said to me... don't look at me, I am in total agreement here.  Mickey even turned off the television program she was watching because I was in the room!
An hour later..... yeah right!  I am very stubborn, remember?  Sitting in my chair, arms crossed, feeling like I am in time out (not a good feeling at all), very frustrated.  Oh, on top of this, after a few hours of my silent protest, I was told that the trip to the Aquarium on Sunday was not going to happen either if I didn't start writing exactly what I was suppose to.  In fact I was told I would be going no where until I got started and showed that I was going to cooperate.  This is so not fair!
It was about 6 and a half, maybe 7 hours later that I gave up.  I knew that they were not going to give in at all.  I knew that I had only two choices : keep sitting there silently or do what I was told.  I saw that the situation wasn't going to change.  I also saw that it was likely only going to get worse if I didn't do what I was told.
There was no magical good mood that came over me.  No, revelation that I was doing the right thing.  I was still totally protesting (silently because I do not want to ever feel the belt!) but, I got my headphones and my music, my computer and dumb notepad (because I wasn't allowed on the internet) and started writing.  I was so frustrated, angry I guess, but I did it anyway.  What I wrote was hard to write.  My attitude didn't help matters.  I was still angry/frustrated when I finished but also, more emotional because of what I wrote.
It was around 4 hours later that my mood changed.  I was then able to look back over what had taken place.  I have been sort of laughing about the situation here in this blog.  My responses were ridiculous for sure.  Looking back at it, I was being disciplined.  None of it was comfortable, that's for sure.  I did not like them.  I didn't like the situation I was in.  I was the one who had to come around to their way of thinking and do what I was told.  They showed me that where I am in my life and this path that I am on, matters.  That I do what I am told, matters.  I matter.  They care enough to discipline me and point me in the right direction whether I like it or not.  I know they care about me.  I know they are in this with me.  Right now I actually feel good that I gave in and did what I was told.  I am glad that I didn't let it escalate.  I know now that if it did escalate, it would only have done so because of my behavior.  I had choices.  They cared enough about me to keep pointing me to the right choice.  I am glad they did.  It was a hard day for me and I still want to tell them, Thank You!

My Soap Box

I do a lot of reading on so many different topics.  Yeah, it's not all about spanking, lol.  I enjoy reading fiction and nonfiction as well.  Lately I have read more biographies.  I was given a book by a friend that I started reading a week or so ago.  It has been a book that I have had to take in small doses.  The beginning was very intense for me because it spoke frankly about this woman's childhood and I had a very emotional response to it.

The fact that childhood sexual abuse still takes place in every country in the world pisses me off.  It doesn't seem that children are any more protected now than when I was growing up.  The fact that churches still teach their parishioners that all gays and lesbians molest children, just makes me shake my head in disbelief.  Adult Caucasian Men make up the largest percentage of those that molest children.
The whole movement *Black Lives Matter* is something that I still see as segregation.  ALL lives matter regardless of skin color, gender, sexual orientation, etc.  Do I believe that people of color are treated unjustly just because of their skin color?  YES!  And it is NOT right!
 As a people, so many of us make snap judgments of others when we know nothing about them.  Seems that too often those snap judgments also get cemented in place before any real truth or fact can be applied.
 So often, the loudest voice is the only voice heard.  Even the voice of reason can't get through the screaming flood of words.
 People are hungry and living on the streets here in our own Country.  How much money are we sending out in aide to other countries?  I believe in helping others and also believe that charity needs to begin at home.
Okay, stepping off my soap-box now.

I can begin with myself.  I can change things that need changed in my own life.  Whether that is my views or attitudes, I do have the power to change them.  Educating myself is important to me.  That learning means nothing if I don't also apply it, use it, learn from it. :)

Success

I should eat three meals a day.  (I don't even come close)
I should exercise more.
I  try to stick to the program.
I wish to save more.
I try to be a good friend.
I wish to lose weight.

Now, replace all the *should* *try to* and *wish to* with, *I will*

Changes the whole meaning, doesn't it?  I think our success or failure begins in our own thinking.  Saying I should do something, is a whole lot different than saying I will do it.  The truth is that I should eat three meals a day.  Most days, I eat what probably amounts to one full meal.  Saying that I will do it, adds a responsibility that wasn't there before.
To what degree do we want success in the areas we wish we could change, should change or try to change?
The successful people I have seen all seem to have at least one thing in common : A determination to succeed!  They stumble, they fall and they fail.  They also have the determination to stand back up and say to themselves, I WILL do this.

Conflict

I think that conflict is unavoidable.  It is going to happen.  The choice here is how I respond to the conflict.  I may be conflicted over something I have to do (or need to do), that I just don't want to do.  I may be in conflict with a person.  Maybe having differing opinions on a subject.
For me, conflict is not comfortable.  It is not a situation I want to be in.  Especially if it involves someone else.
I am already facing some conflict inside myself over the boundaries around me.  I remember something that I need to do and I feel that twinge rise in me that just says, I don't want to do it.  So far, I am able to push that thought away and just go ahead and do what I am suppose to.  I am so surprised that I feel that rising in me already.
I feel conflicted inside about doing the right thing.  I am finding myself weighing the possible consequences and not liking any of them.  Sheesh, I have even thought about just not telling the truth.  I could sort of skirt the truth and might even get away with it.  But... I also know me.  I have never been comfortable lying and I am just not good at it.  I think the guilt would really put me in conflict with myself!
Are some of us just wired to avoid conflict?  I do know that some people handle it better than others.  Conflict also can come in so many different ways and situations.  Even just trying to make a decision can trigger conflict.  Two friends want to do something on the same day with you, but you only have the time or energy to do one.
As we grow and mature as individuals we are faced with conflict at different stages in that growth.  In the first psychosocial development stage, the conflict is trust versus mistrust.  As children we learn early on whether or not we can trust the people in our lives.  When a child learns that they can trust and depend on their caregivers they emerge through this stage of conflict with a sense of security and safety.  Those who are not able to trust their caregivers likely will see not just the people around them, but the world, as unreliable.
Sexual abuse for me began in infancy.  I was given away by my birth mother when I was around 4 months old and dropped in the lap of a woman who didn't want me.  She also had no idea how to care for me.  Nurturing was not a part of my life with either of these women.  Talk about conflict right off the bat.  A bio-mother, that I had to have had some sort of bond with.  I mean after-all, I was alive and basically healthy.  She physically cared for me and met those needs.  I depended on her to be able to survive.  Then, one day, she was no longer a part of my life.  That child me learned very early on that the world was an unreliable place.  I did learn mistrust.
The only reason I am mentioning this is that I believe that when we are faced with conflict, we draw from the early phases of development in how we face the conflict.  That doesn't mean that we can't grow and learn later on in life.  Right now I face conflict with keeping to the program I am in.  I question myself about the consequences and the rewards.  I also question myself over the issue of trust.  Trusting them.  Will they follow through?  I think they will.  I hope they will.  Still, I am not exactly sure.  I haven't been in a situation like this that has had an outcome that built trust.  So many people have told me they were going to do something, enforce some consequence and they just didn't.
The next stage in that development is about independence.  I sort of tossed the trust/mistrust stage away and jumped straight into independence.  The, I can do it myself, stage.  I am capable.  I didn't want others helping me or even touching me.  I learned to do things by myself for myself.  The good thing in that, is the sense of accomplishment and pride in myself.  Feeling capable.  Stubbornness came from this and that is not always a bad thing at all.  Stubbornness that is built on a foundation of mistrust, might not be so great.
So, in my conflict right now I am working toward building a base of trust.  Trusting myself to do the right things.  Trusting others to do what they say they will do.  Showing them that I can do what has been agreed to.  I feel pretty conflicted over all of it but am willing to put myself out there and learn a new way.

Humbled

It is so humbling to me right now to see my actions for what they really are.  To have messed up in such a big way, right at the start of a new path for me.  Realizing that I acted so dismissive toward an authority figure is not setting well with me at all.
I am trying to find the positive here....  I guess maybe the fact that I do really see it now.  All blinders are off for sure.  I am real sure that it won't be tolerated again.  I am just as sure that I will put more effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
The way I feel right now is horrible.  I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to feel like this ever again.  Maybe the positive there too is in the learning process.  I learned something about myself.  It isn't something I like and my heart hurts right now over the fact that I actually did this.  I don't want this feeling to stay with me.  I do want the memory of how I feel right now to stick with me.  That way, when faced with the same situation again, I will remember how I feel right now and make a better choice then.
There is a part of me that really just wants to beat myself up right now.  I hear the voice inside of me asking me how I could have been so stupid.  I expect perfection.  I have to understand that they don't expect perfection from me.  They know I am going to mess up.  This is to help me through a real trying time in my life.  They want the best for me and want me safe.  I have not been set up to fail.  I have been set up to thrive and to grow and to learn.
What I did was a very willful act.  A wrong one for sure.  No one has ever called me on it before.  Now, being faced with it, what it really is, I am at a crossroads.  This is a place where I can learn.  This is a place where I can choose a better way.  Or I can just beat myself up.  Which is something that would get me in trouble.  I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to punish myself.  The if, when and how, is not in my hands.  I am pretty sure that means that beating myself up emotionally is not going to fly.
ARRGGG, can I just do yesterday afternoon all over again?  Where's a fairy godmother when ya really need one??

Defiance

This blog is actually a request.  It is not exactly a subject that I want to explore right now.  It was pointed out to me tonight that I am being defiant.  That was not a good feeling for me at all.  I don't see myself as defiant.  Only, tonight when it was pointed out what I was doing and I was asked to really look into myself about why I had done it, being defiant kind of fits.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts.  I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me.  Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely.  None of this was forced on me.  This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away.  She was not trying to be that way.  She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part.  Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline.  I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment.  I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't.  It was a gut reaction.  Right now I don't know how to break it.

I have apologized.  I do see that this is something that must change in my life.  I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all.  I feel sort of humbled at this moment.  Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.

Exhaustion & Stress

Exhaustion can sure be a crazy thing sometimes.  I have slept about 19 hours in the past 4 days now.  My body is just going through one of those periods where sleep is not easy or long.  Sometimes I think I run on coffee and adrenaline.  I have learned not to stress over it a lot.  Eventually my body does give up and I sleep for a longer stretch of time.
Although exhaustion can take a toll, I really think it is the stress that is more draining.  For me, exhaustion has a more definite ending point.  I understand the cause.  I understand the why of it.  I understand what it does to my body and my thinking.  Heck, I even have meds to put me to sleep if need be.  But, with stress, it is all different.  I might understand what is causing the stress, but not always.  Neither do I always understand why I am stressed.  Exhaustion does not seem to have a lot of causes.  Stress on the other hand can come for a hundred different reasons.



A friend sent me this picture and I just laughed.  I know that so many of us have nights like that, or even days on end like that.  It is nice when we can joke and laugh about it.  Finding some humor in the predicament we are in, is always helpful for me.  Our bodies are going to physically respond to exhaustion and to stress.  They both can effect us in negative ways.
It is hard sometimes to step out of the day to day stuff of *I have to's* and take care of ourselves.  We do become overloaded from time to time with things that we have come to accept as normal for us.  I don't care how busy a person is, there has to come a time of rest.  A time of stepping out of the responsibility and relaxing.  I know people who are so afraid of being seen as self centered, they don't take the time to check in with themselves and take some much needed *me* time.  We are surrounded by the me-myself-and I  generation which stands toe to toe with the instant gratification group.  When we truly recognize that we are exhausted or stressed, there should be no guilt in stepping back and taking care of ourselves.  What good are we really going to be to anyone else if the exhaustion and/or stress just keeps building?
I was told tonight to go to bed.  I laughed and joked about it but in the end, I did exactly that.  I slept 4 hours.  A solid deep sleep which was much needed.  It hasn't made everything all better but it sure hasn't made anything worse either.  I can think more clearly and that is always a good thing.
Listen to your body.  Take the time to rest and recharge.  Your body will thank you for it.

Friendship

Friend:
1.  A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
2. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
3. Someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you.
4. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
5. Someone who regards you with respect and affection, seeking your welfare and wishing you well.
6. An associate who provides assistance. An ally.

These are parts of definitions taken from different dictionaries.  Number three is taken from the Urban Dictionary.
 Having the friendship of another is a very precious gift.  A relationship built on respect, trust and love.  It is a mutual bonding that grows over time.  Sometimes, when you meet a new person, things just *click* and you know you have just made a new friend.  That in my opinion is very rare.  Having friends in our lives, is to me, something we need to work at.  It involves taking risks from time to time.  Stepping out of our own comfort zone.  Giving and receiving.  Understanding that friendship is a two way street.
In my life, I know that there is a need to nurture the friendships I am blessed with.  I have a couple of friends that even if we haven't spoken in months, when we meet up again or talk on the phone, it is as if no time has ever passed.  I believe we share this bond because together we laid a foundation of friendship between us.  We put the time and energy into it so that now when we are even apart for great spans of time, when we do reconnect the feelings are all still the same and blossom quickly.
I know that some people are very isolated.  Maybe there isn't even one friend in their life.  I am very aware that for some, this is a choice.  For others, they wished it wasn't like this.  Some turn to the internet and have found close friends this way.  It meets that need to *connect* emotionally with another person.  I have made friendships this way and taken it to real life.  There is a need for caution here because on the internet a person can decide to be anything they want to be, real or not.
Being a friend means to me that I give of myself to someone else.  It is about what I give, not what I get.  Sure, I get burned from time to time.  That is going to happen because that is life too.  It doesn't make me a bad friend or a bad person.  To me it doesn't necessarily make the other person *bad* in any way either.  It just wasn't meant to be.  I can accept that.  Not everyone we cross paths with is going to be a friend, nor would we want them to be.
When that connection is there though, it is a wonderful thing.  Friendships often bring out the best in us.  Why?  Because of love, respect and trust.  I can say to a friend that I am feeling crappy and that I know I have no real reason to feel this way.  I can trust that my statement will be received for what it is and know that the response I get in return is not going to be to belittle me.  We build one another up, not tear each other apart.

Impulse

I sometimes have a very impulsive nature.  My partner would likely respond to that with, "REALLY, ya think?"  At least my intentions are good ones for the most part.  I am guilty of having an idea and running with it.  Only later, bringing the people around me up to speed on it.  I did just that last night, with an idea I had.  I did finally slow myself down and completely fill my partner in on everything.  Which she was agreeable to, by the way.  She thought my idea was a pretty good one and wished that she had been brought in at the start of it, or even told first, instead of brought in at the middle.  I do the same thing with conversations with her so much of the time.  I will be thinking about something and having a conversation in my head.  Sort of weighing the pros and cons of it, or some such thing.  Then, I will start talking to her about it.  I can't put a number on how many times she has stopped me as I was speaking and asked me if I could bring her in at the start of the conversation. lol.  She laughingly reminds me that she wasn't present at the beginning of the conversation because it was in my head!
Impulse can get a little crazy.  I do impulse shop.  When I am shopping I will fill the cart with things that catch my eye.  I am certain at that moment that I want them.  Then, thankfully for our budget, about two aisles later I will take that thing out of the cart and lay it on a shelf somewhere.  Deciding then that it is not something that I really need.  I am likely one of the stock-person's worse nightmares.  I don't mean to do it.  I probably could retrace my steps and return the item where I found it.  But, I don't.  It also doesn't matter what sort of store it is either, gift shop, grocery store, department store... you name it, I have done it!  If I think I want it, I just can't resist that urge to put it in the cart right then.  Luckily for me, once that urge and impulse has died down and I look at the item again, I can talk myself out of it.  *I don't really need it, Next month I will have more money,  I might find it for a better price, If I wait, the money could go toward something else I want, How many T-shirts does one girl need?, etc.* (I confess, I have a t-shirt collection)  I have an elephant collection as well.  What I don't have is a t-shirt with an elephant on it, lol!  Maybe it is time for a shopping trip?
Thinking a little about the ID, Ego & Super Ego.  That sort of plays out in my shopping style.  The impulse of thinking I just *need* that thing right now, figuring out how to meet that need by tossing the item in my basket and then talking myself out of it. (or talking sense into myself)
Impulse is a sudden strong, and unreflective urge or desire to act.  Not stopping to think it through.  When that impulse is for wanting a thing, then instant gratification shows up.  That is what I feel when I toss that item in my basket.  When I talk myself out of it, a lot of the times it isn't a *no* to myself.  It is more of a *wait*.  Delayed gratification.  Yes, I am going somewhere with this.
Delayed gratification is defined as the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward.  Generally delayed gratification is associated with resisting a smaller but more immediate reward in order to receive a larger or more enduring reward later.  A lot of things have been written about and studied that shows, having the ability to delay gratification can lead to a lot of other positive outcomes in a person's life.  Like, academic success, physical and psychological health.  (this is a sort of paraphrase of a definition)  What it shows me is that learning to rein in our/my impulses can have a very positive effect.  Consider, that cupcake that sure seems to be screaming for you to purchase and eat it.  Controlling that impulse can sure add to better physical well-being.  Staying in and doing the required assignment and resisting the urge to go out to the party is or should help the grades improve.
Controlling our impulses, learning to control them doesn't end with childhood. For some people, they actually have a disorder that impedes them from controlling impulses.  Most of us don't have that problem.  We have the ability to control the impulse, even if like in my case it comes a little later than I would like.  When we don't rein in some of our impulses we can cause serious harm to ourselves and to others.  To me, it all comes back to self discipline.  A continuous teaching of myself.  I am fortunate to have others in my life that have no problem helping me rein in those impulses and exercise discipline when I fall short.  Friends and family around us can be great teachers and role models of impulse control.  You don't have to be in a D/s or spanking relationship to grow in your impulse control.  Even in a relationship where I am disciplined, if I don't want to change, grow, learn, I am not going to.  I believe that if you want it (better impulse control) you can have it!  Takes a wanting to, the willingness and practice.  Simple, right?

Commitment

I was listening to something the other day about commitment.  In the clip, it was said that so many of us view commitment as a prison.  A place where we feel stuck, even chained in place.  It went on to say that commitment is dedication.  Realizing there is a need and committing to fulfilling that need.
It got me thinking....
So many say that they can't commit themselves to a certain project or person.  We are quick to view them as being afraid of commitment.  When that word is changed to dedication, a whole new world opens up.  For me, dedication makes it more personal, more related to me.  Being dedicated is more of something I choose and the *chains* of commitment fall away.
When I am struggling with a project that needs to be finished and I think to myself that I committed to do *this*, sometimes I do feel the weight of that commitment.  It comes across as negativity.  Especially if I have reached a point where I just don't want to continue with whatever *it* is.  I will hear that voice in my head that tells me I have committed myself to doing *this*  It means I must continue, plug away at it, finish it, regardless of how I might feel, because I committed myself to that particular project.
Thinking now of dedication instead of commitment, brings a whole new understanding.  Dedicating myself to something pulls it right back into my choice.  Commitment seems rooted in cement where dedication is more fluid.
I am committed to my partner.  I am also dedicated to her.  Her needs, wants, desires, dreams, wishes, well being, etc. are all extremely important to me.  It is dedication that keeps me coming back to her. (not that I have ever left)  Being dedicated to her, I see her need and I work too toward fulfilling that need she has.  Not out of a *have to* but out of a want to.  I can see that dedication is much more fluid than commitment.  It grows and swells, ebbs and expands.  It leaves more room, in my thinking anyway, for the growth of a relationship.  Dedication can and does change as we change and grow.
I have said that I committed myself to writing in this blog at least every other day.  I will admit that sometimes I have looked at this screen wondering why I ever took this on. I ask myself:  Why did I ever commit to writing at least every other day?  Why did I do that to myself?  I realized today that it is not commitment that keeps me coming back here and writing, it is dedication.  A dedication that really comes from a promise to myself.  I know the need in me to write.  This is one tool that plays a part in fulfilling that need.
I think that all of us can see where we have dedicated or committed ourselves to someone else.  For me, seeing the need and trying to help comes naturally.  But, oh boy, when that is switched up on me.  When it is someone else seeing that in me and coming alongside me as I am struggling with something, so many buttons inside me gets pushed!  I know I push people away.  I know I have a hard time letting anyone very close to me.  I know I struggle with even believing that someone cares about me.  The old voices I think I have silenced, will come running back in and tell me I am worthless, tell me I don't deserve it, and so on.  If I can be dedicated to something or someone, what makes me think that it can't be the same for someone else?  Who am I to judge?  An example of this that happened recently, is a few nights ago when I was just having a rough time after a rough day.  My partner was asleep.  I wanted to run into her arms, but she was asleep and I chose not to wake her up.  In the morning when she heard this she was so upset that I didn't wake her up.  I know that she cares about me.  I know she would have gotten up and sat with me for awhile.  I let my own negative thoughts stop me from seeking her out.  As I thought about this later, I realized that *I* would have wanted her to wake me up.  The commitment we have to one another, the dedication and the love, is a two way street... I am guilty of sometimes making it a one-way avenue that doesn't allow her to show the same things toward me.
Whether it is commitment or dedication, enter into it unbound from any chains that might hold you back, from either side of the street!