Powerful image, for sure. I am sure that it conjures up quite a lot of different images for people. Is *She* Seated, Standing? What does the paddle look like? Is it Wooden? Leather? Rubber? Lexan? Is it solid? Does it have holes? Is it big, small? How hard is it going to be swung? Is it your bottom that it is going to hit? Do you know what it feels like already?
Sometimes the paddle in her hand is a little intimidating to me. Especially if it is there and she is scolding me. Trying to focus on the actual words spoken, which usually require an answer AND trying to forget the paddle that is often smacking against her hand. When it is for discipline, I don't think there is a one of us that can say that we don't feel a little dread. For me, I don't usually know if it is going to be an all out spanking with the paddle or swats. If she is seated, I am in a ton of trouble for sure. I know that I will be over her knee and will be paddled for an undetermined amount of time for sure. *That* leaves me no sort of end point to look toward. It is going to be done, when she says it is done. If she is standing, sometimes there is a little more hope. Rarely do I have the privilege of knowing how many swats I will be given. I do know that if she swings hard enough to send me flying, it will be over! LOL. She also knows the difference between the reaction being the actual stroke of the paddle and me being dramatic. How fair is that??
The two that discipline me, do not let me get away with anything any more. I am given one warning to stop or change my behavior. There is not a second one. Strange thing is that I have never felt more safe and more secure in my life. I do press at the boundaries and fuss at the rules. But ya know what? I like the fact that the paddle is in her hand.
Showing posts with label Domestic Discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domestic Discipline. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Bits and Pieces
As I am pulled over her lap a groan escapes through my lips. My head already knows what my bottom doesn't....yet. This is not going to be pleasant. I don't know why I did it. I can't even tell her what I was thinking. It is not that I won't tell, which I am sure she is thinking right now, I truly don't know. My entire body tenses as she reaches for the wooden paddle that sits on her bedside table. I try to slow my breathing. I do everything in my power to will my body to relax. Tensing up is only going to make it hurt more. She pulls my pajama bottoms down exposing her intended target. This is not unusual. Rarely does she start anywhere but on bare skin. She wastes no time and brings that paddle down across one cheek. Instantly I am clinging to the bed sheet with both fists. The sting assaults my awareness ferociously . My body goes completely stiff before the second smack of the paddle falls on the other cheek. I am caught in her capable grip. I cannot escape! This is not for fun. This is not a good girl spanking. This is discipline. This is a reminder of what will happen if there is a *next* time.
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Sooo, we are driving down the freeway. Just chatting and laughing with one another. Out of the blue, she slows the car and pulls off to the side. I ask her if everything is okay. She replied, yes. Then, she waited for a couple of cars to go by and got out of the car. I was so confused. If everything is okay, then why are we pulled off the side of the highway? Why did she get out of the car? She walked around the back of the car and over to my side. Opening the door, she helped me get out of the car. What in the heck was she doing? All of my questions went unanswered. She took my hand and started leading me down a small embankment. I was protesting at this point. She shushed me and kept leading me down into the trees and tall grasses. She stopped, looked around and back up to the road. *This is a good spot*, she said to me. A good spot for what, I asked? She said, *For this!*. Then she proceeded to undo my jeans and pulled them and panties down to my knees! She held onto me as she bent me over slightly and spanked me with her hand over and over! My eyes are darting back up the embankment, seeing the passing cars. If anyone looked, there was no doubt they would see me being spanked. The flush of embarrassment colored my face quickly as she colored my backside totally red. She was actually laughing as she slapped my bottom over and over! I am trying not to yell *Ow*! There is no one around and I am worried about being heard? Seems I would have worried more about being pretty naked from the waist down and being spanked! When she stopped and pulled everything back up where it was suppose to be, the grin on her face was huge. I asked her what in the heck that was all about. She replied to me, that it simply was all about the fact that she can!
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Sooo, we are driving down the freeway. Just chatting and laughing with one another. Out of the blue, she slows the car and pulls off to the side. I ask her if everything is okay. She replied, yes. Then, she waited for a couple of cars to go by and got out of the car. I was so confused. If everything is okay, then why are we pulled off the side of the highway? Why did she get out of the car? She walked around the back of the car and over to my side. Opening the door, she helped me get out of the car. What in the heck was she doing? All of my questions went unanswered. She took my hand and started leading me down a small embankment. I was protesting at this point. She shushed me and kept leading me down into the trees and tall grasses. She stopped, looked around and back up to the road. *This is a good spot*, she said to me. A good spot for what, I asked? She said, *For this!*. Then she proceeded to undo my jeans and pulled them and panties down to my knees! She held onto me as she bent me over slightly and spanked me with her hand over and over! My eyes are darting back up the embankment, seeing the passing cars. If anyone looked, there was no doubt they would see me being spanked. The flush of embarrassment colored my face quickly as she colored my backside totally red. She was actually laughing as she slapped my bottom over and over! I am trying not to yell *Ow*! There is no one around and I am worried about being heard? Seems I would have worried more about being pretty naked from the waist down and being spanked! When she stopped and pulled everything back up where it was suppose to be, the grin on her face was huge. I asked her what in the heck that was all about. She replied to me, that it simply was all about the fact that she can!
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Monday, February 22, 2016
Still Learning
Earlier, I had a wonderful time at the Seattle Aquarium. I was able to touch things I had never touched before in the different tide pools they had. It was amazing to discover for myself that what looked like it would be slimy and sharp, was actually silky soft and smooth. Braved the cold and watched the sea and river otters play. Was amazed by all the stunning colors of all the living things in the aquariums. We had a wonderful time together.
On the way home we had a serious discussion. It was about my father but then shifted to an observation that was made. It was presented to me that I was repeating a behavior. Mickey told me that when I am presented with her authority, not only do I turn away or go silent, I also do something else. When I think that she is going to be upset with me, especially if I think I may be headed toward being disciplined, I turn on the charm and the silliness. My eyes go bright, the smile gets huge and I try to get her laughing. I try to make light of the situation and draw her away from exerting any authority.
Very gently and lovingly she told me that she is not the father who was so violent. She reminded me that *she* is Daddie now and that she is never going to erupt in anger and harm me or someone else. She told me that she sees me try to change her mood or change her mind. She went on to explain it is the same pattern she sees from my childhood. I was the one that met the angry man at the door and got him laughing and calmed him down so he wouldn't attack my mother or do anything bad. When I think she is going to correct me for something, I go into playful, teasing mode and try to direct her somewhere else by being *cute*. I had done it in the restaurant that we were in earlier so I knew exactly what she was talking about it. In the car I acknowledged what she said, saw it and told her that I saw her point as well as the correlation. I didn't need to do those same sorts of things any more.
A couple hours later at home, I told her I had been thinking about it. By then, I really could see the behavior she was talking about, clearly. We talked about it more and came to the conclusion that changing this behavior needed to be added to my list of things that I am living by right now. Together we decided that at home, this behavior could continue, to a point anyway. It was playful for the most part anyway. BUT, it was no longer going to be tolerated in public. Some things are okay at home, but not okay in public. For me now, this is one of those things. I will be warned once about what I am doing and expected to stop it immediately whenever we are out somewhere.
I don't have to be concerned that something *bad* is going to happen if I don't act all cute and change the attitude of the one with authority.
I also learned that some things are okay at home and just not okay out in public. Not that I didn't know this before, hehehe, but this is different. I didn't see this behavior that I was doing as anything other than just being silly. I am still learning. ♥
On the way home we had a serious discussion. It was about my father but then shifted to an observation that was made. It was presented to me that I was repeating a behavior. Mickey told me that when I am presented with her authority, not only do I turn away or go silent, I also do something else. When I think that she is going to be upset with me, especially if I think I may be headed toward being disciplined, I turn on the charm and the silliness. My eyes go bright, the smile gets huge and I try to get her laughing. I try to make light of the situation and draw her away from exerting any authority.
Very gently and lovingly she told me that she is not the father who was so violent. She reminded me that *she* is Daddie now and that she is never going to erupt in anger and harm me or someone else. She told me that she sees me try to change her mood or change her mind. She went on to explain it is the same pattern she sees from my childhood. I was the one that met the angry man at the door and got him laughing and calmed him down so he wouldn't attack my mother or do anything bad. When I think she is going to correct me for something, I go into playful, teasing mode and try to direct her somewhere else by being *cute*. I had done it in the restaurant that we were in earlier so I knew exactly what she was talking about it. In the car I acknowledged what she said, saw it and told her that I saw her point as well as the correlation. I didn't need to do those same sorts of things any more.
A couple hours later at home, I told her I had been thinking about it. By then, I really could see the behavior she was talking about, clearly. We talked about it more and came to the conclusion that changing this behavior needed to be added to my list of things that I am living by right now. Together we decided that at home, this behavior could continue, to a point anyway. It was playful for the most part anyway. BUT, it was no longer going to be tolerated in public. Some things are okay at home, but not okay in public. For me now, this is one of those things. I will be warned once about what I am doing and expected to stop it immediately whenever we are out somewhere.
I don't have to be concerned that something *bad* is going to happen if I don't act all cute and change the attitude of the one with authority.
I also learned that some things are okay at home and just not okay out in public. Not that I didn't know this before, hehehe, but this is different. I didn't see this behavior that I was doing as anything other than just being silly. I am still learning. ♥
Being Disciplined
I have been reminded a few times in the past 24-36 hours that I asked for this. I asked for firm boundaries around me. I asked that there be more discipline in my life. I agreed to a 3 month contract of sorts. I have been reminded that I asked to not be allowed to *get away* with things. I have been reminded that my Counselor is on board as well. I have been reminded that they agreed to hold me accountable.
Saturday, I was scolded. I brought it on myself because I am the one who refused to do what I was told. My Counselor was very direct and clear about what I was to do. Her direction came after I had challenged both her and Daddie Mickey earlier. During that few minutes I responded like a stubborn little brat. I am not proud of it. So when Pamela, (Counselor) told me I was ready and needed to write about and face the truth about my father, Pamela told me to tell them ( two other people) what she had told me to do. So, I told those I was suppose to tell. I was in a bad mood already. Oh, I told them alright, what I had been told to do, then I told them that I didn't want to do it. And, I didn't. Everything I said to them was all about, *I don't want to do this.*
Ya know what? I was not ready for the response I got. I was scolded. I was told that I knew what I was suppose to do. I was told that Pamela's instructions were simple and clear and had told me exactly what I was to write about and do. I wasn't given a threat or a warning that I had better do as I had been told. No. After the scolding I was told that I was banned from Internet and TV until I decided to do what I was told. Grounded!
It would be nice to be able to say that I took this well, saw the error in what I was doing and immediately changed my behavior. *That* didn't happen. I was instead, instantly stubborn. The one enforcing this on me, knows me well enough that she continued on and told me that if I started whining or being a brat, a belt would be used on my back side. So, I can't whine and I can't be a brat, I can't watch television and I can't get on the internet. I handled it so well that I instantly told the person doing this to me that I did NOT like her right then! I looked to Daddie Mickey who just shook her head and actually said to me... don't look at me, I am in total agreement here. Mickey even turned off the television program she was watching because I was in the room!
An hour later..... yeah right! I am very stubborn, remember? Sitting in my chair, arms crossed, feeling like I am in time out (not a good feeling at all), very frustrated. Oh, on top of this, after a few hours of my silent protest, I was told that the trip to the Aquarium on Sunday was not going to happen either if I didn't start writing exactly what I was suppose to. In fact I was told I would be going no where until I got started and showed that I was going to cooperate. This is so not fair!
It was about 6 and a half, maybe 7 hours later that I gave up. I knew that they were not going to give in at all. I knew that I had only two choices : keep sitting there silently or do what I was told. I saw that the situation wasn't going to change. I also saw that it was likely only going to get worse if I didn't do what I was told.
There was no magical good mood that came over me. No, revelation that I was doing the right thing. I was still totally protesting (silently because I do not want to ever feel the belt!) but, I got my headphones and my music, my computer and dumb notepad (because I wasn't allowed on the internet) and started writing. I was so frustrated, angry I guess, but I did it anyway. What I wrote was hard to write. My attitude didn't help matters. I was still angry/frustrated when I finished but also, more emotional because of what I wrote.
It was around 4 hours later that my mood changed. I was then able to look back over what had taken place. I have been sort of laughing about the situation here in this blog. My responses were ridiculous for sure. Looking back at it, I was being disciplined. None of it was comfortable, that's for sure. I did not like them. I didn't like the situation I was in. I was the one who had to come around to their way of thinking and do what I was told. They showed me that where I am in my life and this path that I am on, matters. That I do what I am told, matters. I matter. They care enough to discipline me and point me in the right direction whether I like it or not. I know they care about me. I know they are in this with me. Right now I actually feel good that I gave in and did what I was told. I am glad that I didn't let it escalate. I know now that if it did escalate, it would only have done so because of my behavior. I had choices. They cared enough about me to keep pointing me to the right choice. I am glad they did. It was a hard day for me and I still want to tell them, Thank You!
Saturday, I was scolded. I brought it on myself because I am the one who refused to do what I was told. My Counselor was very direct and clear about what I was to do. Her direction came after I had challenged both her and Daddie Mickey earlier. During that few minutes I responded like a stubborn little brat. I am not proud of it. So when Pamela, (Counselor) told me I was ready and needed to write about and face the truth about my father, Pamela told me to tell them ( two other people) what she had told me to do. So, I told those I was suppose to tell. I was in a bad mood already. Oh, I told them alright, what I had been told to do, then I told them that I didn't want to do it. And, I didn't. Everything I said to them was all about, *I don't want to do this.*
Ya know what? I was not ready for the response I got. I was scolded. I was told that I knew what I was suppose to do. I was told that Pamela's instructions were simple and clear and had told me exactly what I was to write about and do. I wasn't given a threat or a warning that I had better do as I had been told. No. After the scolding I was told that I was banned from Internet and TV until I decided to do what I was told. Grounded!
It would be nice to be able to say that I took this well, saw the error in what I was doing and immediately changed my behavior. *That* didn't happen. I was instead, instantly stubborn. The one enforcing this on me, knows me well enough that she continued on and told me that if I started whining or being a brat, a belt would be used on my back side. So, I can't whine and I can't be a brat, I can't watch television and I can't get on the internet. I handled it so well that I instantly told the person doing this to me that I did NOT like her right then! I looked to Daddie Mickey who just shook her head and actually said to me... don't look at me, I am in total agreement here. Mickey even turned off the television program she was watching because I was in the room!
An hour later..... yeah right! I am very stubborn, remember? Sitting in my chair, arms crossed, feeling like I am in time out (not a good feeling at all), very frustrated. Oh, on top of this, after a few hours of my silent protest, I was told that the trip to the Aquarium on Sunday was not going to happen either if I didn't start writing exactly what I was suppose to. In fact I was told I would be going no where until I got started and showed that I was going to cooperate. This is so not fair!
It was about 6 and a half, maybe 7 hours later that I gave up. I knew that they were not going to give in at all. I knew that I had only two choices : keep sitting there silently or do what I was told. I saw that the situation wasn't going to change. I also saw that it was likely only going to get worse if I didn't do what I was told.
There was no magical good mood that came over me. No, revelation that I was doing the right thing. I was still totally protesting (silently because I do not want to ever feel the belt!) but, I got my headphones and my music, my computer and dumb notepad (because I wasn't allowed on the internet) and started writing. I was so frustrated, angry I guess, but I did it anyway. What I wrote was hard to write. My attitude didn't help matters. I was still angry/frustrated when I finished but also, more emotional because of what I wrote.
It was around 4 hours later that my mood changed. I was then able to look back over what had taken place. I have been sort of laughing about the situation here in this blog. My responses were ridiculous for sure. Looking back at it, I was being disciplined. None of it was comfortable, that's for sure. I did not like them. I didn't like the situation I was in. I was the one who had to come around to their way of thinking and do what I was told. They showed me that where I am in my life and this path that I am on, matters. That I do what I am told, matters. I matter. They care enough to discipline me and point me in the right direction whether I like it or not. I know they care about me. I know they are in this with me. Right now I actually feel good that I gave in and did what I was told. I am glad that I didn't let it escalate. I know now that if it did escalate, it would only have done so because of my behavior. I had choices. They cared enough about me to keep pointing me to the right choice. I am glad they did. It was a hard day for me and I still want to tell them, Thank You!
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Defiance
This blog is actually a request. It is not exactly a subject that I want to explore right now. It was pointed out to me tonight that I am being defiant. That was not a good feeling for me at all. I don't see myself as defiant. Only, tonight when it was pointed out what I was doing and I was asked to really look into myself about why I had done it, being defiant kind of fits.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts. I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me. Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely. None of this was forced on me. This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away. She was not trying to be that way. She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part. Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline. I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment. I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. It was a gut reaction. Right now I don't know how to break it.
I have apologized. I do see that this is something that must change in my life. I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all. I feel sort of humbled at this moment. Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts. I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me. Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely. None of this was forced on me. This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away. She was not trying to be that way. She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part. Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline. I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment. I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. It was a gut reaction. Right now I don't know how to break it.
I have apologized. I do see that this is something that must change in my life. I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all. I feel sort of humbled at this moment. Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Accountability
Strange how things can be going along just fine and then something will slip me up. Often it is something small and insignificant, yet it seems to have the power to knock me off balance. This time it is the thought of accountability. Maybe not exactly small or insignificant, just pressing in my thoughts.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
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