Maybe I am not a very good submissive or bottom. It seems that when push comes to shove, I am going to do my own thing anyway. I don't mean for it to be that way. I have found myself just stopping doing things I am suppose to do. I convince myself that it just doesn't matter. I will tell myself that it is just a little thing anyway. Who's going to know?
Well, *I know*. That knowing, just doesn't feel very good.
I am not a doctor. I do know which meds I can spread out without harming myself. I can miss one dose of the weekly meds without serious harm. That is not the point though, is it? It is about how they are prescribed and how I have been told to take them. All of them are helping my physical body to be it's best.
I am not a big fan of food. I eat because I have to, not because I want to. If I am dealing with something emotional, that part of me totally shuts off anyway. I won't feel hunger. Right now I eat because food is put in front of me. I take a few bites anyway. Then, later I eat because the clock tells me it is time and that I have to.
No, I am not a good submissive. Not right now. I am stumbling all over the place in trying to take care of myself in the right ways.
Showing posts with label Accountability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Accountability. Show all posts
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
Still Learning
Earlier, I had a wonderful time at the Seattle Aquarium. I was able to touch things I had never touched before in the different tide pools they had. It was amazing to discover for myself that what looked like it would be slimy and sharp, was actually silky soft and smooth. Braved the cold and watched the sea and river otters play. Was amazed by all the stunning colors of all the living things in the aquariums. We had a wonderful time together.
On the way home we had a serious discussion. It was about my father but then shifted to an observation that was made. It was presented to me that I was repeating a behavior. Mickey told me that when I am presented with her authority, not only do I turn away or go silent, I also do something else. When I think that she is going to be upset with me, especially if I think I may be headed toward being disciplined, I turn on the charm and the silliness. My eyes go bright, the smile gets huge and I try to get her laughing. I try to make light of the situation and draw her away from exerting any authority.
Very gently and lovingly she told me that she is not the father who was so violent. She reminded me that *she* is Daddie now and that she is never going to erupt in anger and harm me or someone else. She told me that she sees me try to change her mood or change her mind. She went on to explain it is the same pattern she sees from my childhood. I was the one that met the angry man at the door and got him laughing and calmed him down so he wouldn't attack my mother or do anything bad. When I think she is going to correct me for something, I go into playful, teasing mode and try to direct her somewhere else by being *cute*. I had done it in the restaurant that we were in earlier so I knew exactly what she was talking about it. In the car I acknowledged what she said, saw it and told her that I saw her point as well as the correlation. I didn't need to do those same sorts of things any more.
A couple hours later at home, I told her I had been thinking about it. By then, I really could see the behavior she was talking about, clearly. We talked about it more and came to the conclusion that changing this behavior needed to be added to my list of things that I am living by right now. Together we decided that at home, this behavior could continue, to a point anyway. It was playful for the most part anyway. BUT, it was no longer going to be tolerated in public. Some things are okay at home, but not okay in public. For me now, this is one of those things. I will be warned once about what I am doing and expected to stop it immediately whenever we are out somewhere.
I don't have to be concerned that something *bad* is going to happen if I don't act all cute and change the attitude of the one with authority.
I also learned that some things are okay at home and just not okay out in public. Not that I didn't know this before, hehehe, but this is different. I didn't see this behavior that I was doing as anything other than just being silly. I am still learning. ♥
On the way home we had a serious discussion. It was about my father but then shifted to an observation that was made. It was presented to me that I was repeating a behavior. Mickey told me that when I am presented with her authority, not only do I turn away or go silent, I also do something else. When I think that she is going to be upset with me, especially if I think I may be headed toward being disciplined, I turn on the charm and the silliness. My eyes go bright, the smile gets huge and I try to get her laughing. I try to make light of the situation and draw her away from exerting any authority.
Very gently and lovingly she told me that she is not the father who was so violent. She reminded me that *she* is Daddie now and that she is never going to erupt in anger and harm me or someone else. She told me that she sees me try to change her mood or change her mind. She went on to explain it is the same pattern she sees from my childhood. I was the one that met the angry man at the door and got him laughing and calmed him down so he wouldn't attack my mother or do anything bad. When I think she is going to correct me for something, I go into playful, teasing mode and try to direct her somewhere else by being *cute*. I had done it in the restaurant that we were in earlier so I knew exactly what she was talking about it. In the car I acknowledged what she said, saw it and told her that I saw her point as well as the correlation. I didn't need to do those same sorts of things any more.
A couple hours later at home, I told her I had been thinking about it. By then, I really could see the behavior she was talking about, clearly. We talked about it more and came to the conclusion that changing this behavior needed to be added to my list of things that I am living by right now. Together we decided that at home, this behavior could continue, to a point anyway. It was playful for the most part anyway. BUT, it was no longer going to be tolerated in public. Some things are okay at home, but not okay in public. For me now, this is one of those things. I will be warned once about what I am doing and expected to stop it immediately whenever we are out somewhere.
I don't have to be concerned that something *bad* is going to happen if I don't act all cute and change the attitude of the one with authority.
I also learned that some things are okay at home and just not okay out in public. Not that I didn't know this before, hehehe, but this is different. I didn't see this behavior that I was doing as anything other than just being silly. I am still learning. ♥
Friday, February 19, 2016
Where is the Anger?
So, I have been asked to write about my experiences. Specifically to write of the violence of my father. The purpose? To bring out the anger in me. To open up that place in me that I don't want anyone to see. That place that even I don't want to look at. I have been told that it is time. I have been told that living with the buried anger is harming me.
My support system is in place. Good people that care about me do know what I am dealing with and what I am going through. I am confident that they will help in whatever way they can.
I saw my therapist today. I told her about what I wrote yesterday in the blog titled *Violence* She hadn't heard the memory of my father destroying the room around me before. She asked me what I would do today if he was doing that to me. I told her I would still stand there silently. She asked me if I would say anything to him, would I ask him to stop, tell him to stop? My answer was no. She wondered why. I told her because I know now like I knew then, that he wouldn't hurt me. So, she asked what I would do if someone else was there and the broken pieces were hitting them as well as me. I told her I would make him stop, I would attack him. I tried to protect my mother from him when I could. I stood over what I thought was my mother's dead body with a knife in my hand, refusing to allow my father to hurt her anymore. My therapist wants to know why I will protect everyone except myself. Good question. I don't know the answer. I don't recall ever really being afraid of him. Even when he was drunk. I had to have been afraid. The violence was beyond words. I don't think anyone, let a lone a child can watch it and not feel fear. I don't know where the fear and anger went. Anger comes out in me really only when someone I care about is threatened or harmed in some way. During a time like that, I don't care what might happen to me. I only care about protecting the other person.
I am not sure why I really haven't had any anger toward my father. Everyone else sure has. They have expressed it to me. They are angry about the things that happened to me and the things he did. I stopped making excuses for his actions. I have no relationship with him any more. I don't think I have ever blamed him. Nor, even held him accountable in my own mind.
The anger is walled up somewhere. Maybe I wasn't angry as I watched him beat my mother and sister. I remember just wanting it to stop. Can a person be afraid of a regular occurrence? It was just my life. My Dad was violent. He loved me. My therapist told me today that love doesn't destroy a room with a child standing in the middle of it. I *know* that is true.
Where is the anger? The only time I felt a twinge of anger was when my therapist called my father *evil* today. She is pushing me. She knows of my safety net and she is a part of it. She knows what Mickey and Miss Jenn are doing with me and approves. Heck, she was talking with Mickey and me in the outer office and I was messing around. Nothing too serious, but I was told to do something and I refused. I kept refusing until Mickey asked me if she needed to spank me. She actually asked me a second time letting me know she was dead serious. I stopped and did what I was told. My therapist just watched and nodded her approval. She sees the little girl me too and likes the fact that right now I am very much held accountable. She has told me a few times that I am very fortunate to have them in my life.
What if the anger is there and comes to the surface? Will I be able to keep myself together? Will I be able to protect myself? Where is it? Why don't I feel anger toward him?
My support system is in place. Good people that care about me do know what I am dealing with and what I am going through. I am confident that they will help in whatever way they can.
I saw my therapist today. I told her about what I wrote yesterday in the blog titled *Violence* She hadn't heard the memory of my father destroying the room around me before. She asked me what I would do today if he was doing that to me. I told her I would still stand there silently. She asked me if I would say anything to him, would I ask him to stop, tell him to stop? My answer was no. She wondered why. I told her because I know now like I knew then, that he wouldn't hurt me. So, she asked what I would do if someone else was there and the broken pieces were hitting them as well as me. I told her I would make him stop, I would attack him. I tried to protect my mother from him when I could. I stood over what I thought was my mother's dead body with a knife in my hand, refusing to allow my father to hurt her anymore. My therapist wants to know why I will protect everyone except myself. Good question. I don't know the answer. I don't recall ever really being afraid of him. Even when he was drunk. I had to have been afraid. The violence was beyond words. I don't think anyone, let a lone a child can watch it and not feel fear. I don't know where the fear and anger went. Anger comes out in me really only when someone I care about is threatened or harmed in some way. During a time like that, I don't care what might happen to me. I only care about protecting the other person.
I am not sure why I really haven't had any anger toward my father. Everyone else sure has. They have expressed it to me. They are angry about the things that happened to me and the things he did. I stopped making excuses for his actions. I have no relationship with him any more. I don't think I have ever blamed him. Nor, even held him accountable in my own mind.
The anger is walled up somewhere. Maybe I wasn't angry as I watched him beat my mother and sister. I remember just wanting it to stop. Can a person be afraid of a regular occurrence? It was just my life. My Dad was violent. He loved me. My therapist told me today that love doesn't destroy a room with a child standing in the middle of it. I *know* that is true.
Where is the anger? The only time I felt a twinge of anger was when my therapist called my father *evil* today. She is pushing me. She knows of my safety net and she is a part of it. She knows what Mickey and Miss Jenn are doing with me and approves. Heck, she was talking with Mickey and me in the outer office and I was messing around. Nothing too serious, but I was told to do something and I refused. I kept refusing until Mickey asked me if she needed to spank me. She actually asked me a second time letting me know she was dead serious. I stopped and did what I was told. My therapist just watched and nodded her approval. She sees the little girl me too and likes the fact that right now I am very much held accountable. She has told me a few times that I am very fortunate to have them in my life.
What if the anger is there and comes to the surface? Will I be able to keep myself together? Will I be able to protect myself? Where is it? Why don't I feel anger toward him?
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Accountability
Strange how things can be going along just fine and then something will slip me up. Often it is something small and insignificant, yet it seems to have the power to knock me off balance. This time it is the thought of accountability. Maybe not exactly small or insignificant, just pressing in my thoughts.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
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