Still Learning

Earlier, I had a wonderful time at the Seattle Aquarium.  I was able to touch things I had never touched before in the different tide pools they had.  It was amazing to discover for myself that what looked like it would be slimy and sharp, was actually silky soft and smooth.  Braved the cold and watched the sea and river otters play.  Was amazed by all the stunning colors of all the living things in the aquariums. We had a wonderful time together.
On the way home we had a serious discussion.  It was about my father but then shifted to an observation that was made.  It was presented to me that I was repeating a behavior.  Mickey told me that when I am presented with her authority, not only do I turn away or go silent, I also do something else.  When I think that she is going to be upset with me, especially if I think I may be headed toward being disciplined, I turn on the charm and the silliness.  My eyes go bright, the smile gets huge and I try to get her laughing.  I try to make light of the situation and draw her away from exerting any authority.
Very gently and lovingly she told me that she is not the father who was so violent.  She reminded me that *she* is Daddie now and that she is never going to erupt in anger and harm me or someone else.  She told me that she sees me try to change her mood or change her mind.  She went on to explain it is the same pattern she sees from my childhood.  I was the one that met the angry man at the door and got him laughing and calmed him down so he wouldn't attack my mother or do anything bad.  When I think she is going to correct me for something, I go into playful, teasing mode and try to direct her somewhere else by being *cute*.  I had done it in the restaurant that we were in earlier so I knew exactly what she was talking about it.  In the car I acknowledged what she said, saw it and told her that I saw her point as well as the correlation.  I didn't need to do those same sorts of things any more.
A couple hours later at home, I told her I had been thinking about it.  By then, I really could see the behavior she was talking about, clearly.  We talked about it more and came to the conclusion that changing this behavior needed to be added to my list of things that I am living by right now.  Together we decided that at home, this behavior could continue, to a point anyway.  It was playful for the most part anyway.  BUT, it was no longer going to be tolerated in public.   Some things are okay at home, but not okay in public.  For me now, this is one of those things.  I will be warned once about what I am doing and expected to stop it immediately whenever we are out somewhere.
I don't have to be concerned that something *bad* is going to happen if I don't act all cute and change the attitude of the one with authority.
I also learned that some things are okay at home and just not okay out in public.  Not that I didn't know this before, hehehe, but this is different.  I didn't see this behavior that I was doing as anything other than just being silly.  I am still learning. ♥