Being Disciplined

I have been reminded a few times in the past 24-36 hours that I asked for this.  I asked for firm boundaries around me.  I asked that there be more discipline in my life.  I agreed to a 3 month contract of sorts.  I have been reminded that I asked to not be allowed to *get away* with things.  I have been reminded that my Counselor is on board as well.  I have been reminded that they agreed to hold me accountable.
Saturday, I was scolded.  I brought it on myself because I am the one who refused to do what I was told.  My Counselor was very direct and clear about what I was to do.  Her direction came after I had challenged both her and Daddie Mickey earlier.  During that few minutes I responded like a stubborn little brat.  I am not proud of it.  So when Pamela, (Counselor) told me I was ready and needed to write about and face the truth about my father, Pamela told me to tell them ( two other people) what she had told me to do.  So, I told those I was suppose to tell.  I was in a bad mood already.  Oh, I told them alright, what I had been told to do, then I told them that I didn't want to do it.  And, I didn't. Everything I said to them was all about,  *I don't want to do this.*
Ya know what?  I was not ready for the response I got.  I was scolded.  I was told that I knew what I was suppose to do.   I was told that Pamela's instructions were simple and clear and had told me exactly what I was to write about and do.  I wasn't given a threat or a warning that I had better do as I had been told. No.  After the scolding I was told that I was banned from Internet and TV until I decided to do what I was told.  Grounded!
It would be nice to be able to say that I took this well, saw the error in what I was doing and immediately changed my behavior.  *That* didn't happen.  I was instead, instantly stubborn.  The one enforcing this on me, knows me well enough that she continued on and told me that if I started whining or being a brat, a belt would be used on my back side.  So, I can't whine and I can't be a brat, I can't watch television and I can't get on the internet.  I handled it so well that I instantly told the person doing this to me that I did NOT like her right then!  I looked to Daddie Mickey who just shook her head and actually said to me... don't look at me, I am in total agreement here.  Mickey even turned off the television program she was watching because I was in the room!
An hour later..... yeah right!  I am very stubborn, remember?  Sitting in my chair, arms crossed, feeling like I am in time out (not a good feeling at all), very frustrated.  Oh, on top of this, after a few hours of my silent protest, I was told that the trip to the Aquarium on Sunday was not going to happen either if I didn't start writing exactly what I was suppose to.  In fact I was told I would be going no where until I got started and showed that I was going to cooperate.  This is so not fair!
It was about 6 and a half, maybe 7 hours later that I gave up.  I knew that they were not going to give in at all.  I knew that I had only two choices : keep sitting there silently or do what I was told.  I saw that the situation wasn't going to change.  I also saw that it was likely only going to get worse if I didn't do what I was told.
There was no magical good mood that came over me.  No, revelation that I was doing the right thing.  I was still totally protesting (silently because I do not want to ever feel the belt!) but, I got my headphones and my music, my computer and dumb notepad (because I wasn't allowed on the internet) and started writing.  I was so frustrated, angry I guess, but I did it anyway.  What I wrote was hard to write.  My attitude didn't help matters.  I was still angry/frustrated when I finished but also, more emotional because of what I wrote.
It was around 4 hours later that my mood changed.  I was then able to look back over what had taken place.  I have been sort of laughing about the situation here in this blog.  My responses were ridiculous for sure.  Looking back at it, I was being disciplined.  None of it was comfortable, that's for sure.  I did not like them.  I didn't like the situation I was in.  I was the one who had to come around to their way of thinking and do what I was told.  They showed me that where I am in my life and this path that I am on, matters.  That I do what I am told, matters.  I matter.  They care enough to discipline me and point me in the right direction whether I like it or not.  I know they care about me.  I know they are in this with me.  Right now I actually feel good that I gave in and did what I was told.  I am glad that I didn't let it escalate.  I know now that if it did escalate, it would only have done so because of my behavior.  I had choices.  They cared enough about me to keep pointing me to the right choice.  I am glad they did.  It was a hard day for me and I still want to tell them, Thank You!

Defiance

This blog is actually a request.  It is not exactly a subject that I want to explore right now.  It was pointed out to me tonight that I am being defiant.  That was not a good feeling for me at all.  I don't see myself as defiant.  Only, tonight when it was pointed out what I was doing and I was asked to really look into myself about why I had done it, being defiant kind of fits.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts.  I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me.  Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely.  None of this was forced on me.  This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away.  She was not trying to be that way.  She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part.  Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline.  I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment.  I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't.  It was a gut reaction.  Right now I don't know how to break it.

I have apologized.  I do see that this is something that must change in my life.  I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all.  I feel sort of humbled at this moment.  Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.