Conflict

I think that conflict is unavoidable.  It is going to happen.  The choice here is how I respond to the conflict.  I may be conflicted over something I have to do (or need to do), that I just don't want to do.  I may be in conflict with a person.  Maybe having differing opinions on a subject.
For me, conflict is not comfortable.  It is not a situation I want to be in.  Especially if it involves someone else.
I am already facing some conflict inside myself over the boundaries around me.  I remember something that I need to do and I feel that twinge rise in me that just says, I don't want to do it.  So far, I am able to push that thought away and just go ahead and do what I am suppose to.  I am so surprised that I feel that rising in me already.
I feel conflicted inside about doing the right thing.  I am finding myself weighing the possible consequences and not liking any of them.  Sheesh, I have even thought about just not telling the truth.  I could sort of skirt the truth and might even get away with it.  But... I also know me.  I have never been comfortable lying and I am just not good at it.  I think the guilt would really put me in conflict with myself!
Are some of us just wired to avoid conflict?  I do know that some people handle it better than others.  Conflict also can come in so many different ways and situations.  Even just trying to make a decision can trigger conflict.  Two friends want to do something on the same day with you, but you only have the time or energy to do one.
As we grow and mature as individuals we are faced with conflict at different stages in that growth.  In the first psychosocial development stage, the conflict is trust versus mistrust.  As children we learn early on whether or not we can trust the people in our lives.  When a child learns that they can trust and depend on their caregivers they emerge through this stage of conflict with a sense of security and safety.  Those who are not able to trust their caregivers likely will see not just the people around them, but the world, as unreliable.
Sexual abuse for me began in infancy.  I was given away by my birth mother when I was around 4 months old and dropped in the lap of a woman who didn't want me.  She also had no idea how to care for me.  Nurturing was not a part of my life with either of these women.  Talk about conflict right off the bat.  A bio-mother, that I had to have had some sort of bond with.  I mean after-all, I was alive and basically healthy.  She physically cared for me and met those needs.  I depended on her to be able to survive.  Then, one day, she was no longer a part of my life.  That child me learned very early on that the world was an unreliable place.  I did learn mistrust.
The only reason I am mentioning this is that I believe that when we are faced with conflict, we draw from the early phases of development in how we face the conflict.  That doesn't mean that we can't grow and learn later on in life.  Right now I face conflict with keeping to the program I am in.  I question myself about the consequences and the rewards.  I also question myself over the issue of trust.  Trusting them.  Will they follow through?  I think they will.  I hope they will.  Still, I am not exactly sure.  I haven't been in a situation like this that has had an outcome that built trust.  So many people have told me they were going to do something, enforce some consequence and they just didn't.
The next stage in that development is about independence.  I sort of tossed the trust/mistrust stage away and jumped straight into independence.  The, I can do it myself, stage.  I am capable.  I didn't want others helping me or even touching me.  I learned to do things by myself for myself.  The good thing in that, is the sense of accomplishment and pride in myself.  Feeling capable.  Stubbornness came from this and that is not always a bad thing at all.  Stubbornness that is built on a foundation of mistrust, might not be so great.
So, in my conflict right now I am working toward building a base of trust.  Trusting myself to do the right things.  Trusting others to do what they say they will do.  Showing them that I can do what has been agreed to.  I feel pretty conflicted over all of it but am willing to put myself out there and learn a new way.

Turning Away

I will admit that I enjoy the idea of being in trouble.  I like that thought in my head that says, no please don't spank me.  The idea of real trouble, is not so pleasant.  I do not want to actually be in trouble.
I was in real distress yesterday.  When I saw my actions for what they really were, it was very troubling to me.  I do not wish to act like that.  Defiance toward my Dominant and toward my Disciplinarian is not acceptable to me.  It is not acceptable to them either, just for the record.  I apologized to both of them and they read my writings.  I was not punished.  I didn't need to be.  It was a revelation that needed to be seen and will be corrected.  Even though I have the two of them in my life, most of the correction is going to be on my shoulders.  At least that is how I see it.  That doesn't mean that I won't be punished.  It means that it is up to me to make the changes.  This is for *my* good.  I may at times have the mindset of a child and my inner child may be fully visible, but it is on me to make these changes for my good.  I do not passively accept their guidance.  My role is very active.
Miss Jenn read over the list of rules/guidelines for me and asked me how I felt I would do with them.  I told her that I thought that for the first few days anyway that I would be okay with it all.  Then I told her that after that, I probably would experience times of just not liking them at all.  Not liking the rules and not being very happy with her or Mickey either.  She nodded her head in agreement, as did Mickey.
Both of these women have a habit of digging deeper than is comfortable for me.  They make me look at things in different ways and both have the mindset of teacher.  Both are very dominant women.  They are used to getting their own way and I know full well that when it comes to my own stubbornness, I have met my match in the two of them.  Instead of scaring me off, this is comforting to me.  If or when the time comes that I rebel, I know it is going to be met head on.
I am not looking forward to the first disagreement.  I am not looking forward to the time when a consequence is put on me.  Everything in me wants to avoid that.  Knowing myself, and the way they know me, we all know that the time is going to come where I push against those boundaries.  Some part of me is going to stand up and see if they are going to push back, respond, ignore or correct.  I would rather that I didn't do that.  I would like to just travel along in my safe little bubble here.  I hate the thought of them being disappointed in me.
I don't know how I am going to stop myself from turning my back on their authority.  I just know that I have to.  I want that authority in my life.  There is a need for it.  Mickey says I close my eyes and go silent, pushing her away by my actions.  I turn my back.  I look away.  It is a habit that needs to be broken.  How do I face and accept?  How do I make myself stay in that moment and accept their instruction or correction?  Why do I even turn away from what I so desperately want and need in my life right now?  It doesn't make sense to me at all.