Judas

What an incredible evening!  We went and saw the play, Judas Iscariot.  Talk about profound!  It was about Judas in purgatory and having a criminal trial.  The theater was small and intimate.  At times, the actors were inches away from me.
This play is unlike any I have ever seen.  It had the ability to take me on an emotional roller coaster ride.  It is loosely historically based on the Bible.  It is also brought right into modern times and oh so relevant.  It made me laugh.  It made me cry.  It made me stop and think, reflecting on my own life and beliefs.
For me it called on a search of myself and what I believe about judgment as well as forgiveness.  It took a look at the depths that despair can take a soul.  As *deep* as all of that sounds, this play had me laughing hysterically.  I was not alone in this.  The audience was masterfully brought into the experience.  As an audience, we willingly participated.
It was a night out with friends that was enjoyable from beginning to end!

A Survivor

This page is free for anyone to download and color.  An artist that I work with did it for me as a special request.
All of us are a survivor of something.  In your life it may not be abuse, rape, cancer, domestic violence, or something else along those lines.  We all have survived childhood.  When you stop and think about it, we are faced with challenges all the time.  Life is not always easy, for sure.  We have things to learn and things to do.  We are strong enough, we are survivors!

Tomorrow is another chance.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that as difficult as today is, tomorrow is an opportunity to try again.  Failure comes when we decide to just quit.  It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters how many times we get back up!
At the moment, my life is hard.  The struggles and stresses are not letting up.  It does take energy and courage to keep going.  As long as I am trying, I am still fighting for a solution.  My calm has been completely shattered in my home.  It feels right now like it will never end.  The feeling of being completely out of control in my own home is pushing insanity closer to me.  The solution is that all these extra people move out..... If only it were that simple.

Life Lessons

Life isn't easy at all.  There are moments that get to be pretty tough.  Sometimes just getting through it seems impossible.  Life lessons are going to continue to touch and shape our lives.  Think about what you can gain from the tough situation that you face.  Will you emerge stronger?  Wiser?  Smarter?  Have more compassion?  Something to remember, someone else has also gone through the same thing you face right now.  Today's pain may be tomorrow's stepping stone.

The Little Things

I am learning to be thankful for the little things.  Being able to acknowledge the small victories in my life right now. When it seems that life keeps throwing curve balls at me, I don't see a lot of options.  It would be so easy to just throw the towel in and pack up shop.  It takes a real turning of my thoughts to look at what is going right.
I am not saying that this is easy, it isn't.  Just like so many people, I really would rather complain about all the things that are going wrong.  Big and little things just keep happening.  It would be easier to just drown myself in the negativity.  Since I know that is not good for me I have been making myself look for the good.  Searching for even the smallest things to celebrate.
I have found that for me this almost always starts with being thankful for the basics of life, shelter, food, air to breathe, etc.  When I begin, going beyond that takes fighting with myself.  Maybe the little things are insignificant, but they are there.  Like with Mickey right now, her life is in danger because of this surgery not already having been done.  I am celebrating the fact that even her surgeon is involved and calling the insurance company that needs to okay it.  He is telling them that it needs to be done sooner rather that later.  He doesn't have to be involved like this but he is right in there fighting as well.  I am celebrating this fact and am thankful for it.
I like to eat pizza with a knife and fork, yes I am weird.  Today I could not cut it myself.  My arms just would not let me.  I am celebrating the fact that not only was I able to ask for help without feeling helpless about it, I have someone with me who cares for me and does things like that happily for me.  I wanted a shower and my hair washed.  I was too weak to do it all myself today.  My arms feel like they are made of lead.  The thought of trying to wash my own long hair was a bit overwhelming.  Again, I am celebrating the fact that I have help.  Yes, I am frustrated that my body won't always work the way I want it to.  I am also thankful that I have been blessed with help when I need it.
One of our chihuahuas had puppies about 6 days ago.  She actually gave birth to 5 of them.  Pretty unheard of for a chihuahua.  The pure white runt of the litter died on the second day even though we did everything right and was also bottle feeding it.  I am celebrating that we still have 4 super healthy puppies and a momma pup that is proving to be a great mother.  The little white one also passed away in Mickey's hands having love poured into it.  A little victory, something to celebrate.
The little things do matter.  They can change the negative into something more positive.

Even when you have doubts...

Take that step.  Even when you have doubts.  I am learning that mistakes are not failures.  It is okay to try.  It is okay to have doubts and still step forward.  I remember a saying that says... I have not failed, I have just found 999 ways that didn't work!  Isn't that the truth?  Sometimes it takes trial and error to find what is going to work for us.  The effort we put into trying is not failure, it is bravery.
It takes courage to step out into the unknown.  Courage really is being afraid and doing it anyway.
Doubting ourselves and our choices is going to come.  That is life.  Just don't let that doubt freeze you in place.  Dare to try.  Dare to step past the doubt and see what happens.

Expecting the Worst

It is strange to realize that for a large part of my life growing up, those closest to me, expected the worst from me.  Likely, I gave them exactly what they expected.  I know that I wasn't encouraged to behave.  I wasn't praised.  They never came to any award ceremony when I actually did excel.  Finally, I stopped even telling them of any successes.  I did not give them art projects or any of the things that kids would do with their parents.  They didn't believe in me and I guess that I felt the same way in turn.
I learned to expect the worst from myself and from others.  I couldn't see the good in myself.  I never really looked for the good in other people either.  I was definitely trapped in negativity.  Basically, that is all I knew.  With so many things, I didn't even want to try.  Why bother when I already was sure it wouldn't end good anyway?
I know now that what we pour into our friendships and relationships is what we will be getting out of them.  I do believe that if we expect the worst, that is exactly what we are going to draw to us.  I want people around me that are going to expect the best from me.  That still takes into account that we all have bad days.  We cannot possibly always give at 100%.    We cannot always be at 100%.  We can though, expect the best from ourselves and be realistic about it.  Our best may change from day to day.  Stop expecting the worst.  Embrace the best.  Celebrate it.  Give it to yourself and to others.

Find Time

This is something that so many of us let slip aside.  We are in *hurry-up*, *have-to* lifestyles so much of the time.  There is a need to slow down.  A need to have that *me* time.  It is not about being selfish.  It is about being healthy, whole, centered....
There is a need to take care of ourselves.  Finding, no, actually taking,  the time to recharge.
What puts that spring in your step and the smile on your face?  And, when is the last time you indulged yourself in it?  Find time.  Make time. Just do it!
Where ever we are in the path of life, let's take the time for the things that thrill us and make us happy to just be alive.

Being Thankful

Have you ever stopped to think about the good things in your life?  Sometimes we get so caught up in what's going wrong, that we overlook the things that are going right.  There is so much to be thankful for.  I heard a quote from somewhere that said..*what if we woke up tomorrow only having the things we were thankful for today?*  Some of us would be in a world of hurt and NOT in a good way!
I am as guilty as everyone else.  I don't consider myself a negative person at all.  I do know that I can get stuck on the negative, completely missing the other side of things.
What is there to be thankful for in such a screwed up world?  There is war, killing, poverty, prejudice, injustice, abuses...and more.  I am not thankful for those things.  I have said before that I desire to be part of the solution.  What happens when those things come to roost in our own lives?  How do we respond?
I am not about to be thankful for the disabled man who took one look at my partner, who asked him if he needed help and had the gall to say to her, that he didn't want help from a homosexual.  He continued and  basically told her to go to hell.  Mickey, the woman of patience and wisdom that she is, replied to him.. "first, what ever possessed you to think I am a lesbian? My looks? I feel sorry for you that you refuse a helping hand from someone who is offering it, based on how they look.  I hope you have a more pleasant day."  And, she walked away.  Can't say I would have been as polite.  Mickey teaches me so much through word and action and for that I am very thankful.  She gets the rude remarks and the dirty looks, way too often in my opinion.  She has learned to handle them, most of the time, with a grace that makes me love her even more.
I am thankful for my partner in life.  She is an amazing woman, strong, loving, gentle, caring, passionate, dominant, giving, generous, very much *out* as a lesbian and Top.  She loves to spank me, as well as others.  How can some one like me, not be thankful for that?
Sometimes we get caught up in needs that are not really needs.  I *need* $20 so I can go to the movies with my friends.  Okay, I will swap you that $20 for your next 20 hours of water to drink.  Kind of a basic need.  Water, air, shelter...
What about when it seems like everything in our life is going wrong?  Don't have a job, didn't get the pay raise, or to really bring it straight to the heart - when we have come to the place where we feel worthless?  I have been there.  Wondering why I was even on this planet.  The LAST thing I wanted was for any one to suggest to me to start thinking about what was *good* in my life.  Dammit, in that place, I can't think of anything *good*!  Not in that frame of mind.  It takes hard work to bring yourself back from that dark mood place.  I have seen too that it seems like a lot of others are ready to jump on the band wagon of negativity and depression.  I am thankful for the people in my life that stand up to me, tell me the truth and present another opinion.  Joining me in my pity party isn't going to help either one of us.
Some people will see the title of this entry and not even read it.  There is something about thankfulness that turns people away.  It is strange that when we need it most, we want little to do with it.  Changing our thinking in those dark moments is not easy.  I fight it.  Sometimes it is like I would rather wade around in that yuck than listen to and practice a way out of it.  There is no person reading this that can honestly say there is nothing to be thankful for.  What are you thankful for?