Change

This thing we call life.... just when ya think you have it all figured out, something throws a twist your way.  It seems like there is something out there that just doesn't want us to get too comfortable with how things are going in our life.
Don't get me wrong, not all of the twists that life takes on us are bad.  It is the idea of change that hangs me up.  There is something a little soothing in routine for me.  Maybe that is why I have tried for so long with my doctor.  For over a year I have tried to be heard.  With most things, I am willing to try.  I am willing to give change a chance.
Mickey would be first in line to testify that I don't take to change very well.  Oh, I am willing to give it a shot but I do not like it at all.  It messes up my world.  I admit that I like to know what is happening next.  Part of this anyway, I can blame on my childhood.  I needed to know what was happening around me and have an idea of what was coming next to be able to protect myself.  It made me hyper-aware for the longest time.
I would not sit in a room with my back to the door.  I had to see who was coming or going.  I was the littlest person in my classes and I always sat in the back so I could watch the door and everyone else.  Honestly, it was not a comfortable position to be in.  If I would come into a classroom and the teacher had changed all the desks around, internally I would absolutely freak.  Change terrified me.
I deal with change a little better now.  It still can freak me out and I am not much of a fan of it.  I understand that sometimes we need a change.  It is so different when we choose change.  When there is choice involved it can be easier to digest.  Some things happen though that we have no control over and they change what is going on in our own little world.  Not sure that I will ever be able to embrace change, but I am at least learning to deal with it better.

The past couple of days

I know that I haven't written a real blog entry in days.  Sometimes life has a way of taking my attention elsewhere for a bit.  At the moment it just seems that so much is happening all at the same time.  It is not that I mind being busy so much, when it drags on and on, then I get frustrated.  Especially when what is dragging is almost all about things that I would rather not deal with.
I am dealing with the medical aspect of my life.  I started the process of separating from the military hospitals and doctors.  Found out that my military health benefits will change if I do totally leave the hospital I am at.  I have found out that if you yell loud enough, someone listens.  The Major over the section in the hospital I am having problems with is now reviewing my case.  Stay tuned for more drama....
I spent a good part of my afternoon and evening at a book signing.  Good food, good wine and a wonderful time meeting the artist I am going to work for.  When I woke up, I really didn't want to go.  I had had too many days to think about it and to critique my own art work.  I already knew I was going to be working with this woman any way and didn't need to meet her face to face.  I am glad Mickey insisted that we go.  It really was fun and I got to meet a lot of other local authors.  There was even an invitation to join their writer's group.  I am not sure I am ready for that though.
At home we have kids we would like to give away, kids we want to have move out and other kids that want to move in!  I am not sure if we ever will be kid-free.  A girl can dream can't she?  All of this comes with it's own stressors as well.
All I can say with a smile on my face is that life is full of a lot of twists and turns and if it doesn't slow down from time to time we might just go flying through the air on a trip we never planned on!

Twisted road of Life

It seems that so often things just don't work out the way we hope.  Lately that is pretty true for my life anyway.  It isn't that things are going wrong exactly, which is good.  Things just have a way of taking twists and turns that I wish they wouldn't.  I know I am not alone in this.  Disappointment is something that all of us have to deal with all the time.  That too comes in varying degrees.  Life sure is a trip down a path with so many unexpected and even unwanted twists and turns.  We have to learn to deal with them.  We do have to accept that this is the path we are on for now and make the best of it.  No where in there does it say that I have to like it, either.  Good thing too, because I don't.

Not Evil

This one made me smile.  Isn't it at least partially true about most of us?  We all have some sort of twist.  For some, they desire to keep it buried or covered up and that is okay.  Everyone deserves to have their privacy.  Everyone also has the right to protect their privacy.  Be yourself.  Embrace your twist.  And, if a little evil also describes you.... Please have fun!

Fake?

Story For Mickey

Torrey walked down the hall with the backpack thrown over her shoulder.  She was a Senior about to graduate.  Who in the hell cared if she finished the freakin' ass Senior Project?  She was a straight A student anyway.  She was already accepted into the University of Washington for the Fall.  Into the advanced accelerated program no less!  The last thing she wanted to do was go and talk with her Adviser.  No, her portfolio was not completed.  No, her community hours were not finished.  Yes, she knew she had two weeks left to complete it all.
She was thinking all those things as she walked.  Long curls dancing along her back with each step.  The youthful hips just beginning to transform into what would one day be a more womanly form, moved seductively under the denim material. Passing by the display case, she caught a glimpse of herself in the glass and smiled.  Soon she would be out of this place.  High School.  What a joke it was.  Here they always talked about being mature and planning for the future.  Sometimes, they even referred to the students as *young adults*.  "Young adults, my ass!"  The powers that be still made them raise their hand and ask permission to go to the bathroom, for god's sake!  She rolled her eyes at the hypocrisy of it all.
It's not that she had a bad attitude.  Not really.  She saw herself more as a forward thinker.  Maybe she was a little rebellious and quick to debate almost any subject.  She just put that off as being more mature.  A woman with a mind of her own.  A woman, not a child.  And, oh how she resented being treated as a child!  She was less than three months away from living on her own and making her own decisions day by day.  No, *child* was setting out to do that.
She reached the office and went to the desk, announcing herself and why she was there.  She hated this room with it's white walls and bright lights.  You would think with all the money her parents as well as the parents of other students donated, they could at least have added some color in here.  She moved to one of the benches and sat down, dropping her backpack to the floor.  She was early.  Her appointment was for 3:30 and she had simply come straight here after the last bell of the day.  She watched as some of the office workers packed up and prepared to leave for the day.  Outside the walls the noise was quieting as the building slowly emptied of students and teachers alike.
She is the one who requested this time, after school.  She enjoyed her classes and saw no reason to take time out from any of them to come and meet with her Adviser.  Besides, she also felt a little satisfaction from inconveniencing the older woman.  Miss Davison, had to stay after school as well.
At exactly 3:30, Miss Davison came into the open waiting area, smiled at her and told her to come in.  She got up and followed the woman down the short hallway to her office.  Everyone called her Old Miss Double D, behind her back of course. Her name was Dana Davison (which counted for at least one of the reasons for the nickname.)  In truth, she was only in her mid 30's.  Dressed in a skirt and blouse, which was the norm for most all of the female employees of the school, she carried herself well. Her heels clicked against the tile as they moved toward the office.
Torrey saw the file sitting on old Miss Double D's desk before she herself, sat on the small sofa.  Miss Davison, opted to stand and lean against the front of the desk.  The room was on the larger size.  Not as big as a classroom, obviously, but could comfortably seat 5 or 6 people if needed.  The desk was stunningly beautiful.  The ornate dark wood seemed to absorb light.  Unlike other school offices Torrey had been in, Miss Davison kept her desk very neat.  The walls too had a personal touch.  No white walls in here.  The room was painted in a muted blue that made a perfect backdrop for the pictures that hung on them.  They were all scenes from nature and each featured some form of water in brilliant blues.  There was a standing waterfall in the corner that filled the room with the soft sounds of moving water.  Behind the desk hung copies of Miss Davison's credentials along with a decorated sorority paddle from her own days at College.
Miss Davison began and asked Torrey all of the question that Torrey had anticipated.  Torrey also answered them exactly the way she had planned to.  She was just tired of all this Senior project crap and wanted it over with.  Miss Davison picked up the file and flipped through it before moving around the desk and sitting in the chair.  Torrey waited for the normal lecture that always followed these questions.  No lecture came.  There was just silence as Miss Davison leaned forward on her desk, hands clasped in front of her and looked at the girl.  "Torrey, do you have any intention of completing your senior project?"    Torrey quickly answered that of course she was going to finish it, but was interrupted.  "I don't want to hear what you think I want to hear, I would like you to respect me enough to tell me the truth."  Torrey chewed on her a lip a moment as she thought.  She was nodding her head up and down before finally meeting the gaze of Miss Davison.  "No, I have no intention of completing it" is what she replied.  "Would you tell me why the girl who is probably the brightest student in this school, has never had so much as a late assignment, has decided to not complete this required assignment? I really would like to understand."
Torrey shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. "Young lady, I asked you a question!"  That was all Torrey needed and she was off on her torrent. Being called young lady pissed her off!  She told Miss Davison everything that she had been feeling about the school and the rules and this stupid project.  She told her that even being called young lady and then needing to raise her hand to use the bathroom was an insult to everything she had come to believe in.  If she was a young lady or a young adult then dammit someone around here better start treating her like one!  She had done everything ever asked of her, never gotten into any trouble, was the model student and now she was just DONE.  Done with rules, done with stupid ass projects and sooo done raising her hand to ask for permission for anything.  She was not a *young* adult, she was an adult because she had turned 18 two weeks ago!
The outburst stunned the older woman.  She watched the girl she thought she had known pretty well, go off on an unexpected tirade that left her red faced and obviously angry.  Miss Davison hardly recognized the girl at all.  She sat silently waiting for the angry outburst to finish.  When it finally did, she said nothing.  The silence in the room was broken only by the soft sounds of the waterfall.  Neither woman spoke.  Miss Davison watched as the color returned to normal on Torrey's face but could still see the anger in her eyes, or was that defiance?  What had happened to the well behaved model student?
Torrey finally sat back on the sofa and crossed her legs.  She met the eyes of her Adviser unblinkingly.  Inside herself she was still fuming, but she concentrated on her breathing and worked at calming herself back down.  In all honesty she did respect Miss Davison.  It was all the rules and the good girl facade that she was now completely tired of and wanted nothing more to do with.  She knew that she really should not have blown up like that, but dammit, enough was enough.  Torrey wondered why the older woman was just sitting there silently.  As the seconds ticked by she started squirming a little bit and noticed a tightening in her stomach.  She uncrossed her legs and settled with crossing her arms over her chest.  As she pulled her arms closer to herself, she broke her gaze with Miss Davison for the first time.  Torrey looked down and closed her eyes.  Her jaw was set and she was gritting her teeth, she didn't even notice that she had started to slowly shake her head back and forth.
Miss Davison missed nothing as she watched the girl.  She sat calmly, arms on her desk now bent at the elbow.  Her hands were clasped together and she held one finger to her lips as she contemplated what had just happened and why.  She chose her words carefully as she spoke. "Torrey, why do you get good grades?"  The girl looked at her and blurted out, *Because it is expected of me.*  Miss Davison nodded, "And who expects it of you?"  Giving her a look of resentment and rolling her eyes, Torrey responded, *My parents do, this school does, even YOU do.*  "But, what about you Torrey, why do you do it? It seems that you like your classes."  With a long audible sigh, Torrey said, * I just told you why, all of you in one way or another have told me that I have to.  Now that I am 18, no one is going to tell me what to do anymore.*
"So are you telling me that the past 4 years have just been an act?"
Torrey looked at her before speaking. *You think you know me but you don't.  You don't know anything about me.  Every day I come here and do what I am suppose to do.  Then, I go home and play perfect little daughter for Mommy and Daddy to show off.  All I have ever wanted was to get to 18 so I could leave this, them and you behind me.  Now, I am entitled to my inheritance and I can finally just be myself and tell the rest of you all to just fuck off.*
"I see" replied Miss Davison, "and I suppose being yourself means acting like a spoiled little brat?"
Torrey stood up and grabbed her backpack. * I am done here*  As she headed to the door, Miss Davison rose and moved around the desk.  They reached the door at the same time.  Miss Davison prevented Torrey from opening it.  "We are done when I say we are done and not before."  Torrey looked at her in disbelief.  No one had ever spoken to her like that before.  Before she could respond, she was ordered to sit back down.
*You cannot talk to...*  Slap!  The girl's words were cut short by a sharp smack across her backside.  Miss Davison pointed to the sofa in silence.  *You hit me*  "I did" replied the woman matter-of-factly. "And there will be a lot more if you do not head over there and sit back down."  There was no anger in the words and the meaning was clear.   Torrey searched her face wondering just how much truth was behind those words.  Not able to truly tell, she dropped the backpack and returned to the sofa.  Miss Davison seated herself beside the girl.
"Now, let me tell you what I see" began Miss Davison.  "I see a child, yes a CHILD, who somehow has come to believe that turning 18 makes the whole world around her change.  Well, happy birthday and guess what.... it doesn't change a damn thing.  You are still in high school, you still have to follow the rules and you are still under the authority of this school.  Which means young lady, you are under MY authority."  Torrey started to interrupt her and was stopped. " I am not finished.  Here is what is going to happen.  You are going to come to my office every day for an hour before school and for an hour after school.  During that time you will be right here working on your portfolio and finishing it.  I suggest you bring the materials you will need and be prepared to work.  Just let me tell you right now that you will not like the alternative."
The next day Torrey got to school at the usual time.  As a member of the debate club, she was always there early.  Sitting in the room, she went over her notes for the upcoming debate.  The room was a buzz with noise as everyone began drifting in for the day.  The instructor came in holding his usual cup-o-joe and a handful of papers.  "Just a couple of announcements before we break up into groups this morning", he said.  Torrey wasn't really listening until she heard her own name being called.  "Torrey, I have a note here saying that you are being requested to go to Miss Davison's office."  She looked at him.  He seemed as puzzled as she was shocked.  She mumbled something about that she had already taken care of that the day before.  The class broke off into teams and began discussing their strategies and the points they wanted to make.  No one paid much attention to the door or the quiet conversation that was taking place just outside of it.  Torrey didn't realize that anything was going on until her instructor tapped her on the shoulder and told her to gather her things.  Someone was waiting in the hall for her.
As she left the classroom, she came face to face with Miss Davison.  Not a word was said between the two as Torrey followed her back to her office.  Once inside Miss Davison told her to take a seat.  Torrey just stood there.  She was angry, yes, but it wasn't exactly defiance that kept her on her feet.  It was the sight of the large school paddle on the desk that drew and held her attention.  She knew that corporal punishment could be used in the school but in her four years she had never heard of it actually being used on anyone.  Miss Davison leaned against the desk and picked up the paddle.  "Torrey, I don't even remember the last time I took this paddle out of the drawer to be honest with you.  I do suggest though that you take a seat while you actually still feel like sitting."  In a daze of confusion, Torrey sat on the small sofa unsure of exactly what she was facing.  Sure, she had been told to come here before school, but surely Miss Davison hadn't been serious.  Miss Davison knew that she was on the debate team after all.  Debate team met three times a week before school when they were preparing for a meet.  Miss Davison handed her the paddle and asked her what she thought about it.  *I think it is barbaric*, she replied.  Miss Davison shrugged, "How many times have you been paddled?"  Torrey blushed a deep crimson as she answered *none*.  "So, you have never felt a single stroke of the paddle?"  Torrey shook her head no and was starting to feel very uncomfortable with the line of questioning.  "What about a spanking?" asked Miss Davison.  The woman continued the conversation as though she was talking about the weather.  Torrey didn't know what to think.  She answered the questions as they were asked.  She had never been spanked, paddled or even grounded before.  Miss Davison finally looked at her and said, "So, you really took the good little girl act to the extreme then."  Torrey didn't know how to answer as the woman continued.  "Maybe, it would have been better if you had stopped acting like a good girl and actually been one, been yourself and learned something about discipline, especially self discipline."  Torrey wanted to argue.  She wanted to say something, anything, but it was as if her voice had moved far out of her reach.  Miss Davison took the paddle from her and put it in a drawer in her desk and then sat beside the girl.  "Torrey, you decided to not come here this morning as you were told to, that is defiance."  Torrey started in complaining that Miss Davison knew she had debate and was interrupted.  "I even had your coach tell you to come here and you decided to ignore that as well.  Coming here and doing what you are told is your priority now"  Torrey was told that there would be no excuses.  "I put the paddle away Torrey but I want you to know that after today, I will use it on you if you choose to disobey me in this."  Thinking it was over, Torrey breathed a sigh of relief.  She really didn't want to know what that paddle felt like.  Miss Davison sat back on the sofa and pulled her skirt up. Taking Torrey by the arm, she began pulling her over her knee.  "What is going to happen is a good spanking."  Shocked and humiliated, the girl struggled but was held in place easily by the woman.  Before she knew it, Torrey was face down over Miss Davison's lap.  The absolute sense of unrealness was broken by the stinging blows that rained down on her upturned cheeks.  The skirt that she had worn that morning flipped up on it's own and the smacks were raining down on her panty covered bottom.  Miss Davison's palm covered every inch of that panty clad bottom thoroughly.  Without realizing it Torrey had begun to squirm and then kick trying to get away from the hand that was disciplining her for the first time ever.  As the pain increased, stinging tears filled her eyes and then fell to the carpeted floor.  *i'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry* is all she could think and she didn't realize that she was actually saying it aloud.  The position switched as Miss Davison caught the girl's legs with her own before lowering her panties and smacking the bare skin.  There was no time to feel the embarrassment as the fire in her bottom grew instantly to unbearable and the girl began to sob.  After only a few minutes she was laying limply as her body shook with deep sobs.  Torrey was not aware of when the spanking stopped, only that it had.  She felt her panties being put back into position before Miss Davison helped her sit up beside her.  Wrapping her arms around the girl, Miss Davison held her close.  Torrey barely heard the whisper in her ear that said, "Things are going to be different from now on."

Anticipation...

I was told to be sure to get Mickey up early in the morning.  Why, you ask?  She was going to spank me.  She and I are on different sleep schedules.  I am normally up all night.  It is not something we chose, it has just worked out that way because of my body.
Before she went to bed, we had about an hour of intimate time together.  It was wonderful.  As she was kissing me good night she looked at me and said... be sure to wake me up early in the morning.  That tone made it clear what she wanted.  She was going to start her day by giving me a good spanking.  She went to sleep with happy thoughts.  Me?  I had all night long to think about what was going to happen in the morning.
It is times like this that always make me look at myself and think back over the past few days.  Have I done anything wrong?  Did I cross a line somewhere?  The answer is usually no, I am quite the angel after all :p  Still, I do it any way.  No, this was for pleasure, hers, maybe not mine so much, lol.
No matter what I do, my mind still wanders to the morning and the spanking that is coming.  Sometimes, I think this is a secret weapon of Tops.  Building anticipation.  They are pretty good at it for sure.
The anticipation builds and builds.  It is like an entity in it's own right.  I can feel it in my whole body.  The tingling in my backside.  The butterflies in my stomach.  My whirling thoughts.  Will she use only her hand?  Will there be a warm up?  How hard is it going to be?  How can she say she is going to spank me and then roll over and go to sleep??
I did wake her up early.  She did take me over her lap right there on the bed.  Her hands, so warm and soft stroking my skin.  Slap after slap raining down on my bottom.  The fire building as she concentrated on only one cheek for awhile.  MmmMmMmm.
Anticipation can stir a lot of things inside of me, but oh man is it worth it!!

Some thoughts on Spanking

In the past 48 hours I have been chosen by two artists to be colorists for them.  This is exciting news for me.  I will be bringing their art to life in my own creative way.  For one of the artists, I am also on their promotion team.  As a woman, I am honored to be chosen to be a part of the team for both of these women.  One of the artists is from right here in Seattle like I am.  I will be meeting her next week.
I know that I haven't written or posted a spanking story in a little while.  The last full story I wrote was written as a gift for Mickey on Valentine's day.  She enjoys the school girl genre and in this story there is more interaction between the two characters than there is spanking.  I will post it soon.
I wonder what it is that draws us to the different aspects of spanking?  By that I mean more so in types of role-play or the pictures we enjoy viewing.
 For myself, I am always more drawn to the F/f.  It is the dominate female that I am always drawn toward.  When we look at the world of professional spankers, they seem to be well in the majority.  It is pretty easy for a female to find a male spanker.  I have been approached by a lot of males that have asked to spank me.  So far, this has never happened.  I have never been spanked by a male.  I actually have never wanted to be.  For me it is that my fetish seems more hard wired in me. I am a female who wants/needs a female spanker.  Thankfully, I have that too.
Some refer to me as a switch.  I have topped a few people, most of them males.  I don't have any problem with that.  I just have no desire to be on the bottom with a male dominant.  When I was drawn into all of this it was by a woman who taught me so much.  She wanted me to also be able to top the males that came to her professionally.  I am thankful for the training.  Although I can do it and enjoy it, I don't consider myself a switch.  I much prefer the bottom and being dominated by another woman.  Whether it is spanking or BDSM, it is only females who take the top with me.

Stupid Medical

What can a person do when their doctors have decided that all their pain is just in their head?  What can a person do when the doctor takes x-rays and says there is nothing abnormal and two weeks later the ER takes the same x-rays and says they see a lot of damage?  That is the boat I am in at the moment.  My new general physician does not believe my diagnosis.  Doesn't believe I am in constant severe pain.  She has grabbed a hold of this thought that because I have PTSD, all the pain is related to that and nothing physical is actually going on.  Every other specialist I have seen disagrees with her.  They show me the test results that validate the pain and the diagnosis.  But, it is my general physician that is the one that prescribes my pain medicine.  I am at a loss here on what to do or where to turn.  My general, primary care is through the military.  I cannot request a change in doctors.  I also know that if I choose to leave Madigan hospital, I will never be allowed to return there for care.  I will have to be in the civilian world of medicine from then on.  None of my insurance changes.  I am very well covered medically with three different insurances.  I am thinking it is time to cut ties with the military forever.  They have been good to me up until about eighteen months ago when they put me with this new doctor.  This woman has her own ideas about the problems with my body and just won't listen to me or to the specialists I see.
I am not a big fan of the medical profession in general at the moment.

Online Harassment

 At some time in our lives we all have secrets.  Sometimes they are just little things.  Sometimes they are much bigger.  It isn't that we are necessarily embarrassed by them, it is just that we would rather not have whatever it is, plastered across social media, etc.  We are entitled to a private life.  What I can't understand is why some people just cannot respect that.  Some for whatever reason, cannot allow others to have a private life.  Information, or what is mostly misinformation, gets found out and then spreads like wildfire.  Why?  What is the purpose?  Seriously, why do others care what I or anyone else does with their time?  Is their own life so sad or so boring that they have to stir up shit for other people?  Is jealousy the motivation?  I mean, what is the purpose behind this stuff?
A few years back a group of people online decided that I was someone else.  This rumor spread so fast.  I never have presented myself online to be anything other than myself.  I do not hide behind a *handle*.  This group was positive that I was a person named Torrey and that I had been their friend in the past, online of course and had died, to them, I was now back and using a different name.  The harassment got so bad that I left every group that I was a part of.  I was tired of defending myself and after trying to prove myself a few times, I just gave up.  I have never gone back to any of those groups.  The headache was not worth it to me so in a way, I let them win.
Pretty much any day of the week you can hear of someone being harassed online.  What you don't hear usually is how the one who is the victim of this harassment is dealing with it.  The fact that gossip and bullying is still a problem in our society irritates the hell out of me.  Online people hide like cowards behind fake names and fake emails and do their best to stir trouble.  I am not talking about the people who have legitimate reasons to use something like a pen name or a professional one.  Many of these types of people have specific names and emails for business reasons and are real people who run a business with the names and emails they use.  They are not trying to fool anyone.  They certainly are not trying to harm or harass anyone.
I was writing a book when all this shit started for me.  I was gathering information from volunteers.  I was not doing anything wrong.  Every person that I interviewed knew exactly what I was doing and why and they wanted to be a part of it.  Everything was consensual.  The harassment over who I really was, spilled over into my work.  I was accused of so many things that just were not true.  I became so frustrated with all of it that I just quit.  I gave up on the project completely.  That book project was never finished.  In fact, I didn't write anything at all for almost 2 years!
Harassment and bullying can hurt the lives of good people.  When are we going to learn and make the needed changes?

Feeling Depressed

The past couple of days I really have not wanted to write much.  I have had a few moments of feeling like I am just existing and not much more.  I have had to recover from a fall which was not any fun.  Mickey is recovering from surgery and that is not fun either.  Life has been a little bit slower.  It is way too hot outside.  89* in Seattle in April?  Unheard of!
I am struggling with some depression.  I am pretty sure of the *why* of it.  Not being able to help much with things around the house really tugs at my heart during times like this.  I know I need to age-play and soon.  I have been trying to keep my needs to a minimum and not express them to anyone.  It gets hard for me when I keep hiding the truth of what I am feeling from those around me.  I have been burying myself in my coloring books and just holding on.  Time for me will open up eventually.
I don't suppose I am suppose to really hide what I am feeling.  It is easier to do because I am in pain all the time and can blame most of it on that.  Pain does play a part in my moods.  I am feeling somewhat lonely and alone.  I don't really have any quality time with anyone right now.  I haven't in awhile, or at least that is how it seems to me.
I sure don't like how I feel at the moment.  It is time to make a change...
Right now I guess that means to me to take the focus off of myself and what I am feeling.  Looking inward can hurt too much at times.

Beluga Whale

This is a picture of me with a beluga whale.  I was gifted a trip to Canada and an up close and personal, whale experience.  The adventure was awe-inspiring.  If you have never had a behind the scenes look at some of the animals, I highly recommend it.  (The whale pictured here is in captivity because he was injured and could not be returned to the wild.)  A behind the scenes look gave me a much better understanding of the animal and it's habits, diet, personality, etc.  They had me prepare his food.  That was not a pleasant experience for me.  I was taught the commands used to bring him to the sides to be examined by a vet when needed.  This was one of the gentlest creatures I have ever encountered.  I was surprised by how it actually felt to touch him.  I expected he would feel slimy, like a fish.  Instead, he was soft and warm to the touch.  I came away from the experience changed, with a deeper compassion for all creatures big and small.

Random Thoughts

I don't know what to write or what to write about.  In our lives there is a lot going on.  We have 4 eleven day old puppies that are adorable.  We have a 17 year old daughter who is full of hormones.  We have two sons living in our garage.  The three kids know that we have a D/s relationship.  It is funny... when they were growing up and suspected that some spanking was going on behind closed doors, they thought that I was the one doing the spanking.  I was a full time at home Mom and totally the boss.  I took care of almost all discipline and ran the house.  They just assumed I was in charge everywhere.  Growing up they would hear us from time to time and yell out to us to quiet down.  We learned to laugh and told them to put their headphones on!  We told them we bought them headphones for a reason.  Now, they laugh.  Back then, they just groaned.
Having a relationship that includes spanking is very tricky with kids in the home.  We found our play time and took it when ever we could.  Often they were at school or fast asleep.  We use to travel a lot with and without the kids.  We had a live in Nanny that made this very easy for us.  We were blessed.  We still are.

Passing fancy?

I participated in an online coloring bonanza today for a few hours.  Artist of adult coloring books come and share their work with us.  It is a great way to meet new artists and see what is out there in the world of adult coloring.  The next one is going to be on June 6th.  This is the second one that I have been able to be a part of.  I belong to a few different coloring groups on Facebook.  Some have thought that this coloring for adults might be a passing phase.  It has exploded actually.  It grows bigger by the day.  At the moment so many different book companies are jumping on board.  It is the smaller personal artists that interest me the most.  Some hand draw the pictures and others make them digitally.  There is a subject to interest anyone's taste, from animals, to swear words, landscapes, comics, fairies, flowers, mandalas, and more.
I enjoy coloring.  I always have.  I used children's coloring books for years.  Now I have a wider variety to choose from and I love it.  Coloring relaxes me.  It takes me away from the stress and daily pain.  Focusing in on a coloring page makes most everything else slip to the background.  Whether it is for 5 minutes or an hour or more, I always benefit from it.  It costs very little to get started.  Books can range from around $5 to up to $20 on average.  Something as a simple set of colored pencils can start at 89 cents.
Like just about anything I have shown an interest in, Mickey has spoiled me.  She gifts me new books and art supplies very frequently.  I actually asked her to slow it down, lol!  She doesn't color but she will see a book that catches her eye or a set of markers/pencils and she just can't seem to resist.  It is a good thing that I am not that way too.
If you deal with a lot of stress or chronic pain, I recommend trying coloring.  What do you have to lose?  It might just prove to be a little beneficial and a lot of fun!

Severe Spanking

Ever had a (consensual) spanking that left you bruised for days?  A spanking that you were still reminded of days later, every time you sat down?  I have, recently.
Mickey and Miss Jenn listened to me and then planned together a very specific session for me.  More details of it are in the blog titled Healing & Closure, from March 16th.  Miss Jenn laid into me very seriously.  Please note, that I asked for this and gave over total control.
Before any of this took place a rapport and relationship had been established.  I certainly don't recommend anyone just jumping into a session like this.  For me trust had to be built and it was.  I had an idea of what to expect.  I knew it would be severe and that I would cry.
I had been looking for the right woman to do this with me for quite some time.  Not only did I have to be willing to go further than I have before, she too needed to be able to take me there.  It was emotionally and physically charged.
The spanking I received is by far the most intense I have ever experienced.  According to Miss Jenn, I have a very high pain tolerance.  She definitely got a work out as well.  She had to help me get past that threshold of pain all the while making sure we both were safe.
I thought today about the bruising that I had for days.  Recently, I fell and had to be taken to the hospital.  When the nurse came in to give me an injection in the bottom, my first thought was, *do I have any bruises right now?*  You know that if I did, I would have been asked about them.  I wouldn't have minded explaining.  I can imagine that it might have been uncomfortable for them though.  Note to self: After a severe spanking, do nothing that might land you in the ER!

Life Lessons

Life isn't easy at all.  There are moments that get to be pretty tough.  Sometimes just getting through it seems impossible.  Life lessons are going to continue to touch and shape our lives.  Think about what you can gain from the tough situation that you face.  Will you emerge stronger?  Wiser?  Smarter?  Have more compassion?  Something to remember, someone else has also gone through the same thing you face right now.  Today's pain may be tomorrow's stepping stone.

Survivors are Champions!

Over the years I have dealt with a lot of different things.  Not all good and not all bad either.  I use to say that many of the bad things that can happen to a person, I personally have experienced.  I know that is not true, still, I have had what feels like more than my fair share of crap to deal with and overcome.  Don't we all kinda feel like that sometimes?
I have been called *victim* far too many times.  I am not just referring to childhood, teen and adult rape.  I have been the victim of stalkers in my personal life and online.  Mickey and I have had all of our bank accounts hacked.  I have had friends pass away from murder and suicide.  I have been robbed and burglarized.  I have been held at knife point and have had the shit beat out of me.  I have died and been brought back to life.  I could go on and on, but this is not my point.
Being called a victim irritates the hell out of me!  Yes, I was. WAS.  Now, I am not.  I am a Survivor!  Survivors are Champions.  That is my opinion, any way.  Of course there are different degrees (for lack of a better word) of survival.  Some come through horrible things with little more left other than being alive.  That is still survival.  Some are so shattered that for years they may not be more than a shadow of who they were prior to the incident.  Some are forever changed.
I don't believe that any of us get through this life without facing tragedy of some sort or becoming a victim to something or someone.  I don't know what makes one person come out stronger and another come out practically destroyed.  I also don't know why the road to recovery can take months, years and decades for different people.  And, for some, recovery isn't even in the picture.  What I do know is that victimization and survival is very very personal.  As people we have learned a lot of things about how the mind works.  There are millions of self help books to be had, or thrown out ;p  We can encourage one another, but, need to understand that there is no blue-print to healing.  There is no set timetable that happens so that if you follow A-B-C, then D brings wellness.
As a Survivor, I know what has and has not worked for me in the past.  Arming myself became very important to me when I was the victim of a stalker.  I carried a weapon on me at all times.  Slept with weapons around me.  When it happened again to me online, I armed myself again.  This time by become a hacker.  It is very satisfying to make a phone call to a person who thought they were anonymous on the *web* and tell them their real name, their address and tell them that I was the one that was controlling their computer at that moment.  It is also very satisfying to have that stalking end immediately.  Taking back my power, helped my healing process.
Survivors are champions.  Each day we wake up and face another day is a win.  A Survivor of violent crime has so much courage and we use it daily just to leave our home.  Next time you catch yourself about to call someone a victim, take a moment to see if maybe you should be calling them a Champion instead.

Pausing Time

Sometimes I sort of wish that time had a pause button.  That I could click it and pause time so I could catch up on some of the things I need to do and some of the things I want to do.  Sadly, time doesn't wait for any of us.  It just keeps ticking by regardless of how we feel about it.
Some days, trying to work in everything takes a lot of shuffling of the calendar.  It can be frustrating.  I am one of the lucky ones in that I don't have to wake to an alarm.  I wake up when my body decides it is time or some one deliberately wakes me for some reason.  Never in my life have I hit a snooze button.  I have laid in bed in the past, looking at the clock, trying to will it to not move forward so fast because I didn't want to get up yet.
When I wake up now I am racked with pain.  That is usually what wakes me.  I want the *pause* button so I can stop time and give my body a chance to move and let pain meds work so I can then begin my day.  It will not cooperate with me.  Time just keeps getting away from me.
A hundred years ago, a thousand, did people feel the same way when they reached a certain age?  They still had to make a living, take care of themselves, had social obligations, got ill, etc.  As children we want time to hurry up and we want to grow up quickly.  Back then time could drag on.  I cannot imagine a single child asking for a few more days to get ready for a trip... but as adults, we do that and wish that.
Time is not going to pause.  Guess I need to learn to just make the most of the time I do have.  Since that sounds so simple, why is it actually so hard?

The Surgeon Says...

So, Mickey went and sat in the surgeons office today.  She actually did not have to wait long.  She told them that either the surgeon would work her in or she would go downstairs to the ER department and check herself in and then they would make him see her.  He called the insurance company and was told that the surgery has not been approved.  He told them they had better approve it quickly because he was doing the surgery with or without approval this Friday.  We will see if this works out like we would like for it to or not.  She also left messages with 2 different lawyers while she was waiting to be seen as well.
In my humble opinion, someone needs to be held accountable for this.  She has been in pain for months.  They have known of the actual problem for over 2 weeks now and still have done nothing.  Physically and emotionally it is taking a toll on her.  It is taking a toll on both of us.  I want her well and out of pain finally.

The Little Things

I am learning to be thankful for the little things.  Being able to acknowledge the small victories in my life right now. When it seems that life keeps throwing curve balls at me, I don't see a lot of options.  It would be so easy to just throw the towel in and pack up shop.  It takes a real turning of my thoughts to look at what is going right.
I am not saying that this is easy, it isn't.  Just like so many people, I really would rather complain about all the things that are going wrong.  Big and little things just keep happening.  It would be easier to just drown myself in the negativity.  Since I know that is not good for me I have been making myself look for the good.  Searching for even the smallest things to celebrate.
I have found that for me this almost always starts with being thankful for the basics of life, shelter, food, air to breathe, etc.  When I begin, going beyond that takes fighting with myself.  Maybe the little things are insignificant, but they are there.  Like with Mickey right now, her life is in danger because of this surgery not already having been done.  I am celebrating the fact that even her surgeon is involved and calling the insurance company that needs to okay it.  He is telling them that it needs to be done sooner rather that later.  He doesn't have to be involved like this but he is right in there fighting as well.  I am celebrating this fact and am thankful for it.
I like to eat pizza with a knife and fork, yes I am weird.  Today I could not cut it myself.  My arms just would not let me.  I am celebrating the fact that not only was I able to ask for help without feeling helpless about it, I have someone with me who cares for me and does things like that happily for me.  I wanted a shower and my hair washed.  I was too weak to do it all myself today.  My arms feel like they are made of lead.  The thought of trying to wash my own long hair was a bit overwhelming.  Again, I am celebrating the fact that I have help.  Yes, I am frustrated that my body won't always work the way I want it to.  I am also thankful that I have been blessed with help when I need it.
One of our chihuahuas had puppies about 6 days ago.  She actually gave birth to 5 of them.  Pretty unheard of for a chihuahua.  The pure white runt of the litter died on the second day even though we did everything right and was also bottle feeding it.  I am celebrating that we still have 4 super healthy puppies and a momma pup that is proving to be a great mother.  The little white one also passed away in Mickey's hands having love poured into it.  A little victory, something to celebrate.
The little things do matter.  They can change the negative into something more positive.

Note to Self

Sometimes Life Sucks!

Ever just have one of those days where you ask yourself, *What's wrong with me?*  There is nothing wrong that you can pinpoint, yet nothing seems right either.  It is more than just a *blah* type of feeling.

I know I am fighting with exhaustion.  I know I am very stressed.  Is that all it is?  Is that really what has me feeling the way I do?  Do I need to just kick myself in the ass and tell myself to get over it already?

Depression is dragging me down.  That is always something that I think I should just be able to *get over*.  I know it is not that simple.  I still try to press through it and tell myself that it will get better.
What I haven't shared is that Mickey needs surgery.  The fact that they are risking serious injury to her by waiting for insurance to okay it, is killing me.  I finally begged her to call a lawyer.  The surgery she had in October 2015 has caused her trouble from the beginning.  She has been in pain all of this time.  Almost two weeks ago they found the reason.  Staples have come undone and tore a hole in her stomach.  It took her vomiting blood, for them to finally find the problem.  Now, even though she is bleeding internally AND what should be in her stomach is leaking out and she is at risk for peritonitis and sepsis,  they still have not fixed the problem!  It is insane!  To me it is very much a case of malpractice.  All of us are frustrated and stressed.  Mickey is not doing very well.  I love her more than my own life and there is not a damn thing I can do to help her.  Even the surgeon has called to check up on her and has called the insurance company himself.  We need help and don't know where to turn anymore, so I asked her to call a lawyer.
Sometimes life just sucks.  That is what I am thinking right now.  The health care system sucks.  I understand that life isn't fair but damn.... can't just a few more things go right for a change?

Being Me

"If your feet are firmly planted on the ground, you will never be able to dance."  A quote by the author, Iris Johansen.  It sure makes me think.  Sometimes I pay too much attention to what someone else might think of me.  I don't want to be seen as a *crazy* person.  I have said that I have my feet firmly planted on the ground.  Meaning of course that I was stable and knew what I was doing.  Meaning that I was grounded in reality.  But, if I am so rigid, how can I dance?  Be creative?  Express myself and simply be who I am?
So many times we hide pieces of ourselves even from our closest friends.  Fearing judgment and rejection.  Definitely not wanting to be seen as crazy or weird!  I have come to a place in my life where I no longer care who knows that I enjoy being spanked.  It is very much a part of who I am.  Now, I don't go about flaunting it, I simply don't hide it and I am not embarrassed or ashamed by it.
Being a spanko is a part of myself that I have been able to completely embrace.
Not every one can.  Some people are in a relationship where their partner doesn't even know they are into spanking.  Some people have partners who do know and want nothing to do with it.  It must be very frustrating to say the least.  I have wondered about the adult who has yearned to be spanked for years and has not been able to find the right person, situation or courage to actually have that desire met.  I have wondered if that unmet desire then turns into an obsession.  I think for myself that it did go that way.
I felt trapped with this longing inside of me.  Yeah, my feet were firmly planted on the ground, but I sure wasn't free to dance.  I wasn't free to just be me.  I longed to be spanked and really had no idea how to go about actually receiving one.  I sure didn't feel like I could start a conversation about it with any of my friends.  Some days, I couldn't really think about anything else.
I honestly do not know what changed in me.  Just over 15 years ago I decided that I really had been living a lie.  I felt that I was being who and what everyone else wanted me to be.  I was not happy at all.  It was a hard decision, but I decided to no longer live a lie.  I wasn't living a lie on purpose.  I was not trying to deceive anyone.  I just was in no way being who I really am with anyone.
Now my feet are not as firmly planted on the ground.  I can dance!

Exhaustion

Dealing with exhaustion is one of the hardest aspects of my life right now.  To be so completely drained that I almost feel totally helpless.  When I want to do something I can only do it for a few moments before exhaustion drains whatever strength I have.  I enjoy coloring very much and even this activity drains the strength in my arms.  Writing out a blog entry is the same way.  Right now I have to take it in small time periods.
The only *cure* for this exhaustion is to take the best care of my body that I can and wait out this episode.  Talk about frustrating.  Some days I just want to throw the towel in and surrender.  Not real sure what that would look like.  I have had my moments of deep self pity.  I have had the moments of wanting to end my life if this is the way it is going to be forever.  These episodes can be that bad emotionally.  There is no way of knowing when or if it will end.  The best that I can hope for is that they have always ended in the past.
It is so much easier to encourage someone else who is going through something like this, than to encourage myself.  Offering hope to someone else is easier than holding onto hope for myself.  I am too young to be so ill, so frail, so weak....

I Hate Food

That is how I feel about food right now.  I do not want to eat.  No food sounds good.  Too many foods are causing me pain and I just do not want to eat!
I am not disciplined enough to just make myself eat anyway.  I am eating because it is a have to.  It feels way too much like a have to being enforced by others.  I want to be able to control it and I am smart enough to know that I just can't.
I was keeping a food journal.  When the urge to just not eat got stronger last week, I threw the whole idea of a food journal away.  I know I need proper nutrition for energy.  I know I am not getting proper nutrition.  I have no energy.  Pain is the first drainer of my energy.  Likely lack of the right amounts of food is the second.  Might as well toss Fibro into that mix as well.  Those three all drain my energy.
It is bad when just chewing seems like it takes more energy than I have.  That is not drama talking.  It truly is the fact of the state of my body right now.  I am drained.  The top 3 culprits for draining my energy have all merged into one mess at the moment.  Stress does not help the situation either.
I am definitely not a stress eater.  My body shuts down when I am over stressed.  I don't feel hunger then.  About the only thing that I feel when over stressed is pain.  It feels like a vicious circle at the moment.

Anne Frank

Yesterday we went to the Holocaust Museum for the Anne Frank exhibit.  Everything about it was sobering.  From entering a place where a shooting had taken place at the opening, going through security and then going through the exhibit itself.  Realizing there are still such high emotions involved for some people.  Mickey and I had a personal tour guide who shared some incredible knowledge.  We found out as well that the chestnut tree that Anne saw from her attic window has had 11 saplings taken from it and donated to cities around the world.  Seattle was a city chosen for one of them.  The sapling will be planted in the Peace Garden at the Seattle Center and dedicated on May 1st.
They were handing out stickers that said, *Change begins with me.*  That is a phrase I have always believed in.  I don't think it is enough to hope for change.  I feel that I must take action.  While there I also got a *worry stone* that has been engraved with the words, Take Action.  Sadly, we still face a world that sees race, religion and skin colors, etc instead of seeing valuable human life first.
Anne Frank was just a young girl writing in her diary.  Writing her thoughts with a voice far beyond her years.  An interview with her father after the war showed him saying that after reading his daughter's diary, he realized that he saw a completely different girl from the child he saw every day that they were hidden away.  Outwardly, she never showed her family what she was truly thinking or going through.  Instead, she put it all in her diary.  Her dream was to be a writer/journalist.  That is what made the decision for her father to publish her works.  Although she was gone from this world, it was his act of love for his daughter, making her dream come true.

Spanking Thoughts

The state of uncertainty is not a comfortable place to be in.  The *not knowing* seems to cause more stress all the time.  Often we expect the worst, or so it seems.  I think this is especially true when facing a spanking.  As a bottom, I am in no way in control.  I have no idea how long the spanking will be.  I don't know how hard it will be or how much sting is coming my way.  The anticipation can be both thrilling and cause dread at the same time.  Sometimes I am certain that Tops do this on purpose....drawing it out.  Making us wait and wonder.  There is definitely such a thing as a gleeful sadist!  I have run into a couple in my life when it has come to spanking!  You know the type.  They get the right smack in the right spot, getting the right response and then they laugh and do it 10-20-30 more times!  It is painfully funny.  There is also those that raise their hand up high and you just know this huge strike is coming.  They swing hard and then lightly tap the butt!  It messes with our heads and they love it!
I cannot imagine ever getting bored with spanking.  I think if boredom sets in, someone is doing something wrong.  For us it is mostly playful and fun.  It is never the same.  Sometimes we laugh from beginning to end and I love that.  Times like that sometimes bring more swats because we each tease the other about laughing!  Spanking is a part of our life.  I can't imagine it without it.  The day may come where my body can't take a spanking any more.  If it does, I would be out looking for a spanking partner for Mickey.  Hopefully, my last day on earth is a day when I have been spanked.  Better yet?  I hope when it is my time to pass on, I am sent off with a red backside!

Life Lessons

Sometimes the path of life seems to spend way too much time in the desert of despair.  Our energy is sapped and rarely is there much we can do about it except keep walking as best we can.  It is not fair.  It is not pleasant.  It is just the fact of where we are at the moment.
I do believe that things happen for a reason.  Even, if I don't understand what the reason is at the moment.  Even if I don't understand what the reason is, ever.  I still believe.  It seems like so many things happen to teach me something.  Things like patience, humbleness, faith, love, humility, etc.
I can't say that I enjoy the lessons.  Many of them I would rather skip out on.
When my body is so exhausted that I can't bring myself to even brush my own hair, I feel very discouraged and frustrated.  Asking for and receiving help is not an easy thing for me.  Mickey, who is also my full time care-giver just steps in now and does it when she sees me struggling.  This has definitely taught me humility.  What I have seen as well, is that it leaves her with such a wonderful feeling to be able to help in a meaningful way.  I am not enjoying the lessons in my life.  At the same time, how can I deny her the wonderful feeling she gets from lending a hand?
I am one who loves to be able to give to others, expecting nothing in return.  It is a part of my personality.  Who am I to deny others the same sort of feelings just because it makes me feel humbled or makes me deal with the fact that I need help?  As people. we need one another.  I think that most of the lessons life tries to teach us are rarely lessons learned alone.

Spanking a good girl

Her lap so inviting.  Waiting for me.  I have done nothing wrong.  This is not maintenance.  The butterflies in my stomach twitch in a delightful way.  I know the heat of her hand and my body is craving it.  Kneeling beside her, waiting eagerly for the invitation to lay across her thighs.  She readies herself, finding the most comfortable position for herself.  Can she hear my heart that is racing, urging her on?  Time drags on even though I know that it is only seconds.  My soul is ready for this.   She turns and looks at me.  The knowing smile on her face sends a shiver of pleasure running through me.  A slight nod of her head and she pats her lap.  Trying to contain the monster of deep desire that threatens to dive over her legs, I stretch my body slowly over her lap.  My arms reach for the other side.  Her strong arms settles me in place.  My upturned pantie clad bottom moves ever so slightly under her hand.  I hold my breath as she lifts her hand.  Anticipation rises as I feel her hand raise.  In a gasp, I release the breath as her hands instead begin to roll the panties back, exposing my small white globes.  My hips rise making it easier for her.  Nothing is rushed.  My head echoes with my begging for her to begin.  The chant, *please, please, please* is an unending string of repetition within me.   Her hand softly strokes my waiting flesh.  Her words, almost a whisper.  Have you been a good girl?  My answer sticks in my throat as her hand lifts and comes down across my backside.  My eyes close as I pull the sensation deep inside of me.   The rhythmic rise and fall of her hand takes me away to a land of pure pleasure where everything is right in my world.  She changes it up and strikes with a force that brings a giggle from her lips, when I respond with an *ow!*.   She is enjoying this as much as I am.  The heat rises between my flesh and her palm and it delights us both.  She comments on the changing color of the skin as it goes from pink to scarlet.  My heart is light and filled with love.  I am a good girl.  Her good girl.  And it pleases both of us!

Even when you have doubts...

Take that step.  Even when you have doubts.  I am learning that mistakes are not failures.  It is okay to try.  It is okay to have doubts and still step forward.  I remember a saying that says... I have not failed, I have just found 999 ways that didn't work!  Isn't that the truth?  Sometimes it takes trial and error to find what is going to work for us.  The effort we put into trying is not failure, it is bravery.
It takes courage to step out into the unknown.  Courage really is being afraid and doing it anyway.
Doubting ourselves and our choices is going to come.  That is life.  Just don't let that doubt freeze you in place.  Dare to try.  Dare to step past the doubt and see what happens.

The Gathering Storm

Looking to the skies we can often see the storm that is approaching.  The clouds gather and darken.  Often we can see the rain in the distance as well.  The air itself will change and we can feel it.  In other parts of the country it is necessary to watch for the signs of funnel clouds.  Storms can be very damaging, causing loss of electricity, property and even life.
So, what happens when I feel a storm gathering in my soul?  What do I do when the storm clouds are gathering and building one on top of another?  When stress darkens everything?  When within me everything is trembling as if a wind is blowing through and shaking me?  How do I survive through the storm?  Is it possible for the emotional storm to disban before erupting into torrents of rain and destructiveness?  The answer?.... I don't know.
Frustration and disappointment are growing.  Anger and stress over a couple of situations, are growing as well.  Things are out of my control and I am not happy about it.  I am helpless to do anything productive to help in any of the situations.  I almost feel like I am bound and gagged and that I am beginning to fight like hell against the restraints!  And, I know that fighting is useless.  It won't change a damn thing!  I can't change the mess.  I can't fix the mess.  I can't make anything better or easier for two people I care very much about.  I feel useless right now.
I broke down and cried this evening.  Burning tears of frustration.  It didn't help anything.  It left me feeling worse.  Nothing was *cleansed* or *relieved*.  Left with just the stabbing question, *Why am I here?*

Self Respect

Holding something or someone in high regard.  Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements.  Pretty easy to understand when it is about having respect for something outside of ourselves.  But, what about respect for ourselves?  For our commitments?  Our personal values?  Our limits?  We have all heard the question either directed at us or toward someone else..*Don't you have any self respect?*  Then there is the ever popular statement, *Respect is earned.*  What does any of that actually mean when we apply it to ourselves?

Self respect - believing you are good and worthy of being treated well.  Being proud of who you are even with the mistakes from the past.  Believing you are a good person.  It can mean not using drugs, alcohol or violence to solve your problems.  Having dignity, a *proper* amount of pride and self respect.  These statements are all parts of definitions that can be found on the web about self respect.   

                                What does it mean to us personally?

Where do we each fall in the self respect scale?  Can self respect or the amount of respect, be different in different areas of our lives?  Is self respect dependent on personal circumstances?

These are all questions that I have asked myself.  In my life I know that self esteem and self respect are closely related.  How I feel about myself at any given moment doesn't necessarily lower or raise my respect for myself.  I do understand though that sometimes depression plays in and lowers both of these.  Something as simple as taking care of myself (bathing, brushing my teeth, getting dressed) can fall by the way side for a little bit.  I see that as a lack of self respect.  When depression takes over and a basic need gets dropped, I see it as disrespect.  Why does it seem so easy sometimes to stop respecting ourselves?  We do need to recognize that we are worth the time and effort.  When self esteem is low, it is too easy to let self respect fall.  

Attitude

I have been told that attitude defines many things.    It has been more in the context of, if I have an attitude of success then I will succeed.  If my attitude is one of failure, I will fail.  What I think, will determine how I feel and what actions I take.  Of that I am sure.  I have seen this play out in my life many times.  I am not always successful in grabbing a hold of my own thoughts and reining them in.   But, when I am, change happens.  I have come to believe that even in the worst circumstances, change begins with me.  I know that I do not have the power to change anyone but myself.  I am the one that has the ability to change my attitudes.  Not saying it is easy, just that it is possible.
I am one that doesn't enjoy a lot of social interaction.  I am uncomfortable in crowds.  It rarely matters to me if I get out much.  I live with a woman who is just the opposite.  She needs to get out and to socialize.  I could have a bad attitude about it all.  I could complain that I don't want to go.  I could even stay home instead and let her go alone.  She knows how I feel.  We have found a middle ground that works for us.  I tag a long to some of the things and she goes alone to others.  We each respect that we can't change the other so we meet half-way.  We love our outings together and enjoy the times alone.  Some people find it odd that I don't mind her going out and having dinner with someone else once in awhile.  For me it is just that I understand her needs and recognize that I can't meet all of them.  My attitude is key here.  I am happy that she can go out alone and go out with me.  If my attitude was one of resentment, there would be nothing but trouble.
I am not the jealous type.  Never have been.  I view every relationship that I value, as a gift.  I hope that my attitude is always one of love and thankfulness for the gift of friendship.  That doesn't mean that everything is a bed of roses.  It simply means that I am willing to work through the ups & downs too.  I don't want to ever allow a mistake to be the end of a friendship.  I do give second chances and sometimes third.  I have matured enough to recognize when change will not take place and the end of a relationship is near because of that.  I have to stop and look at my own attitudes about it all.  My attitude after all begins and ends with me.

Grrrr

Writing isn't something that I really want to do right now.  A part of me just wants to complain that life isn't fair.  Well, it isn't!  Complaining sure is not going to change it any.  There are things that I have no control over but still wish that I could change.  I am banging my head against a brick wall.  Not that that is doing me any good either.
The state I am in right now could easily lead me down a path of deep depression.  All around me I see all the things that I can't do and that I can't change.  And ya know what?  I don't even want to try and look for what I can do right now!  I am angry and I am frustrated.
Anger is my friend.  Normally I am afraid of my own anger.  Especially if I am angry with myself.  This time there is no fear.  I am angry with Mickey's doctors and her insurance.  She is bleeding internally and in pain and they are waiting for it to either get worse and seriously threaten her life, or they get paid!  Where in the hell is compassion in that?  Where is the *First do no harm*?  She has been suffering with this since they did the surgery in the first place.  It has taken them 4 months to figure out what the actual problem is and now they are waiting before fixing their mistakes! This makes NO sense to me.
Yes, I am angry.  I have always told myself that it is what I do with the anger that makes the difference.  Will my phone calls make any difference here?  Will I feel better if I just make them anyway?  Telling someone else that it is cruel to make her keep waiting like this isn't going to change anything.  Can I be happy that finally we know for certain what the problem is?