Do No Harm

Mickey says frequently, Why would I break my toys?  She asks, why would she *break* the one she enjoys playing with?  Oh, she very much expects to set my backside on fire.  There is nothing about that, that she doesn't love.  It is the whole idea of *harm*.  That is something that she would never do intentionally to me or anyone that she was playing with. There are a lot of people out there that do not have those same standards.
At the moment, I have a very high need to be spanked.  I am sure that she would love to as well.  She hasn't because my hips are not well.  She refuses to do anything that might cause harm to my hips.  As much as my soul is screaming to be spanked, I too must heed the call of *do no harm*.  Stress with us has been through the roof.  We could each use a time of spanking.  We each know that, giving into that right now, could have long term effects on my body.  So, we are not having our times of spanking.
I need spanking like other's need touch.  Everything in my world is in an uproar right now without it.  Spanking centers me and makes my crazy world okay again.  And, here I am without it and faced with the *do no harm* rule.  The thing is though, that even without Mickey feeling the same way, I would still need to stand up to a Top and tell them that spanking me could cause damage right now, or more damage in my case.  I would have to set a hard limit based on the health of my body.
When you go to play, think about that.  Take responsibility.  Keep yourself safe and do no harm!

Some thoughts on Spanking

In the past 48 hours I have been chosen by two artists to be colorists for them.  This is exciting news for me.  I will be bringing their art to life in my own creative way.  For one of the artists, I am also on their promotion team.  As a woman, I am honored to be chosen to be a part of the team for both of these women.  One of the artists is from right here in Seattle like I am.  I will be meeting her next week.
I know that I haven't written or posted a spanking story in a little while.  The last full story I wrote was written as a gift for Mickey on Valentine's day.  She enjoys the school girl genre and in this story there is more interaction between the two characters than there is spanking.  I will post it soon.
I wonder what it is that draws us to the different aspects of spanking?  By that I mean more so in types of role-play or the pictures we enjoy viewing.
 For myself, I am always more drawn to the F/f.  It is the dominate female that I am always drawn toward.  When we look at the world of professional spankers, they seem to be well in the majority.  It is pretty easy for a female to find a male spanker.  I have been approached by a lot of males that have asked to spank me.  So far, this has never happened.  I have never been spanked by a male.  I actually have never wanted to be.  For me it is that my fetish seems more hard wired in me. I am a female who wants/needs a female spanker.  Thankfully, I have that too.
Some refer to me as a switch.  I have topped a few people, most of them males.  I don't have any problem with that.  I just have no desire to be on the bottom with a male dominant.  When I was drawn into all of this it was by a woman who taught me so much.  She wanted me to also be able to top the males that came to her professionally.  I am thankful for the training.  Although I can do it and enjoy it, I don't consider myself a switch.  I much prefer the bottom and being dominated by another woman.  Whether it is spanking or BDSM, it is only females who take the top with me.

Random Thoughts

I don't know what to write or what to write about.  In our lives there is a lot going on.  We have 4 eleven day old puppies that are adorable.  We have a 17 year old daughter who is full of hormones.  We have two sons living in our garage.  The three kids know that we have a D/s relationship.  It is funny... when they were growing up and suspected that some spanking was going on behind closed doors, they thought that I was the one doing the spanking.  I was a full time at home Mom and totally the boss.  I took care of almost all discipline and ran the house.  They just assumed I was in charge everywhere.  Growing up they would hear us from time to time and yell out to us to quiet down.  We learned to laugh and told them to put their headphones on!  We told them we bought them headphones for a reason.  Now, they laugh.  Back then, they just groaned.
Having a relationship that includes spanking is very tricky with kids in the home.  We found our play time and took it when ever we could.  Often they were at school or fast asleep.  We use to travel a lot with and without the kids.  We had a live in Nanny that made this very easy for us.  We were blessed.  We still are.

Severe Spanking

Ever had a (consensual) spanking that left you bruised for days?  A spanking that you were still reminded of days later, every time you sat down?  I have, recently.
Mickey and Miss Jenn listened to me and then planned together a very specific session for me.  More details of it are in the blog titled Healing & Closure, from March 16th.  Miss Jenn laid into me very seriously.  Please note, that I asked for this and gave over total control.
Before any of this took place a rapport and relationship had been established.  I certainly don't recommend anyone just jumping into a session like this.  For me trust had to be built and it was.  I had an idea of what to expect.  I knew it would be severe and that I would cry.
I had been looking for the right woman to do this with me for quite some time.  Not only did I have to be willing to go further than I have before, she too needed to be able to take me there.  It was emotionally and physically charged.
The spanking I received is by far the most intense I have ever experienced.  According to Miss Jenn, I have a very high pain tolerance.  She definitely got a work out as well.  She had to help me get past that threshold of pain all the while making sure we both were safe.
I thought today about the bruising that I had for days.  Recently, I fell and had to be taken to the hospital.  When the nurse came in to give me an injection in the bottom, my first thought was, *do I have any bruises right now?*  You know that if I did, I would have been asked about them.  I wouldn't have minded explaining.  I can imagine that it might have been uncomfortable for them though.  Note to self: After a severe spanking, do nothing that might land you in the ER!

Being Me

"If your feet are firmly planted on the ground, you will never be able to dance."  A quote by the author, Iris Johansen.  It sure makes me think.  Sometimes I pay too much attention to what someone else might think of me.  I don't want to be seen as a *crazy* person.  I have said that I have my feet firmly planted on the ground.  Meaning of course that I was stable and knew what I was doing.  Meaning that I was grounded in reality.  But, if I am so rigid, how can I dance?  Be creative?  Express myself and simply be who I am?
So many times we hide pieces of ourselves even from our closest friends.  Fearing judgment and rejection.  Definitely not wanting to be seen as crazy or weird!  I have come to a place in my life where I no longer care who knows that I enjoy being spanked.  It is very much a part of who I am.  Now, I don't go about flaunting it, I simply don't hide it and I am not embarrassed or ashamed by it.
Being a spanko is a part of myself that I have been able to completely embrace.
Not every one can.  Some people are in a relationship where their partner doesn't even know they are into spanking.  Some people have partners who do know and want nothing to do with it.  It must be very frustrating to say the least.  I have wondered about the adult who has yearned to be spanked for years and has not been able to find the right person, situation or courage to actually have that desire met.  I have wondered if that unmet desire then turns into an obsession.  I think for myself that it did go that way.
I felt trapped with this longing inside of me.  Yeah, my feet were firmly planted on the ground, but I sure wasn't free to dance.  I wasn't free to just be me.  I longed to be spanked and really had no idea how to go about actually receiving one.  I sure didn't feel like I could start a conversation about it with any of my friends.  Some days, I couldn't really think about anything else.
I honestly do not know what changed in me.  Just over 15 years ago I decided that I really had been living a lie.  I felt that I was being who and what everyone else wanted me to be.  I was not happy at all.  It was a hard decision, but I decided to no longer live a lie.  I wasn't living a lie on purpose.  I was not trying to deceive anyone.  I just was in no way being who I really am with anyone.
Now my feet are not as firmly planted on the ground.  I can dance!

Spanking Thoughts

The state of uncertainty is not a comfortable place to be in.  The *not knowing* seems to cause more stress all the time.  Often we expect the worst, or so it seems.  I think this is especially true when facing a spanking.  As a bottom, I am in no way in control.  I have no idea how long the spanking will be.  I don't know how hard it will be or how much sting is coming my way.  The anticipation can be both thrilling and cause dread at the same time.  Sometimes I am certain that Tops do this on purpose....drawing it out.  Making us wait and wonder.  There is definitely such a thing as a gleeful sadist!  I have run into a couple in my life when it has come to spanking!  You know the type.  They get the right smack in the right spot, getting the right response and then they laugh and do it 10-20-30 more times!  It is painfully funny.  There is also those that raise their hand up high and you just know this huge strike is coming.  They swing hard and then lightly tap the butt!  It messes with our heads and they love it!
I cannot imagine ever getting bored with spanking.  I think if boredom sets in, someone is doing something wrong.  For us it is mostly playful and fun.  It is never the same.  Sometimes we laugh from beginning to end and I love that.  Times like that sometimes bring more swats because we each tease the other about laughing!  Spanking is a part of our life.  I can't imagine it without it.  The day may come where my body can't take a spanking any more.  If it does, I would be out looking for a spanking partner for Mickey.  Hopefully, my last day on earth is a day when I have been spanked.  Better yet?  I hope when it is my time to pass on, I am sent off with a red backside!

Spanking a good girl

Her lap so inviting.  Waiting for me.  I have done nothing wrong.  This is not maintenance.  The butterflies in my stomach twitch in a delightful way.  I know the heat of her hand and my body is craving it.  Kneeling beside her, waiting eagerly for the invitation to lay across her thighs.  She readies herself, finding the most comfortable position for herself.  Can she hear my heart that is racing, urging her on?  Time drags on even though I know that it is only seconds.  My soul is ready for this.   She turns and looks at me.  The knowing smile on her face sends a shiver of pleasure running through me.  A slight nod of her head and she pats her lap.  Trying to contain the monster of deep desire that threatens to dive over her legs, I stretch my body slowly over her lap.  My arms reach for the other side.  Her strong arms settles me in place.  My upturned pantie clad bottom moves ever so slightly under her hand.  I hold my breath as she lifts her hand.  Anticipation rises as I feel her hand raise.  In a gasp, I release the breath as her hands instead begin to roll the panties back, exposing my small white globes.  My hips rise making it easier for her.  Nothing is rushed.  My head echoes with my begging for her to begin.  The chant, *please, please, please* is an unending string of repetition within me.   Her hand softly strokes my waiting flesh.  Her words, almost a whisper.  Have you been a good girl?  My answer sticks in my throat as her hand lifts and comes down across my backside.  My eyes close as I pull the sensation deep inside of me.   The rhythmic rise and fall of her hand takes me away to a land of pure pleasure where everything is right in my world.  She changes it up and strikes with a force that brings a giggle from her lips, when I respond with an *ow!*.   She is enjoying this as much as I am.  The heat rises between my flesh and her palm and it delights us both.  She comments on the changing color of the skin as it goes from pink to scarlet.  My heart is light and filled with love.  I am a good girl.  Her good girl.  And it pleases both of us!

Spanked

I was needing to be re-centered for sure.  Not for what *I* was thinking.  I was thinking that I needed it simply because I was all over the place.  I didn't think that anyone was upset with me.  I didn't think I had done anything wrong.  Well, I was wrong about that.

I made the mistake of saying that I was not a good submissive.  This actually is why I was spanked.

That negativity toward myself does not sit well with Daddie Mickey.  My Disciplinarian backed this up as well.  Telling me to stop thinking that I am not good enough.  I was given a very painful reminder that it is not okay to think this way.
I see that when I am struggling with different things and feel like I am all over the place, I am much harder on myself.  I do get caught in the trap of thinking bad about myself and my actions.  I wanted to be centered.  I wanted the spanking.  Until I was talked to and spanked, I didn't see what I had been doing.
What I thought was one thing, ended up being another.  I went to sleep with an extremely sore backside after that.  Not for one minute did I think that it was unfair.  I see the point.  Can't say that I enjoyed it at all.  It does though, make me now stop and think.  And, isn't that the point of discipline?

The Reset Button

There are times that I feel completely out of sorts.  Inside, I don't feel centered.  Focusing on anything becomes difficult.  Left too long like this my mood is affected as well.  That is when a spanking becomes like a reset button for me.
After a spanking the emotions then seem to fit into place.  Stress falls away.  I can think more clearly.  The air is cleared if there was anything that was marring it.  I am centered again.
I am fortunate that I have a partner who not only understands this need in me to be spanked, but happily delivers.  Sometimes, she knows before I do that what is really needed is a trip over her lap.
The physical, emotional and mental parts of me are all affected in a positive way. The reset button has been pushed and I am ready to face life more positively again.
The benefit to me can be enormous at times.  We haven't found anything else that works as well or has the same results.  Keep in mind that she loves to spank and paddle.  It is a win/win for us.
A spanking touches me on the deepest levels.  It breaks through the walls that have gone up.  During the spanking, all the energy that has gone toward keeping the walls up, or trying to be strong, shifts.  I don't have to be in control anymore.  I am released from the weight and can start anew.  The reset button has been pushed and I am ready to again tackle the things that I need to.

Words

SPANK  BOTTOM  BARE DISCIPLINE STRIKE  SMACK  ASS  SWITCH  SWAT  TAN  BLISTER  PADDLE  HAIRBRUSH  HIT WHIP  CROP  TAWSE  FLOGGER  WOODEN-SPOON  RULER  OTK  SLAP  SLIPPER  SPANKING  BACKSIDE  OUCH  CANE  BELT  STRAP   STING  HAND  PUNISHMENT  CONSEQUENCE  PADDLING  CORRECT  6oftheBEST  CHEEKS  BUNS  STRIPES  RED  OLD-FASHIONED  WELTS  REAR  RUMP  SITSPOT  BURNING  BEAT  THRASH  OVERDUE  BIRCH  BUTT  THWACK  THUD  STING  LESSON  CORPORAL  ADMONISH  ADMINISTER  APPLY  BRUISE  MARKS  MARTINET  GUIDE  SPATULA  REDDEN  WAIL  SORE  SWOLLEN TAIL-END  BLACK&BLUE  PURPLE    PULL-DOWN  PANTS PANTIES BOXERS TIGHTIE-WHITIES   KNEE  LAP  STROP  BRUSH  HEAT HOT BLAZE  WHUP  BRIEFS  UNDERWEAR  THONG  SKIRT  YARDSTICK  PAINT-STICK  BATH-BRUSH   BEND-OVER  OW!  ------- LOVE & FUN

This is me with Miss Jenn, my Disciplinarian.

2016

Mickey is the one behind the camera.

The Paddle in Her Hand

Powerful image, for sure.  I am sure that it conjures up quite a lot of different images for people.  Is *She* Seated, Standing?  What does the paddle look like?  Is it Wooden? Leather? Rubber? Lexan?   Is it solid?  Does it have holes?  Is it big, small?  How hard is it going to be swung?  Is it your bottom that it is going to hit?  Do you know what it feels like already?
Sometimes the paddle in her hand is a little intimidating to me.  Especially if it is there and she is scolding me.  Trying to focus on the actual words spoken, which usually require an answer AND trying to forget the paddle that is often smacking against her hand.  When it is for discipline, I don't think there is a one of us that can say that we don't feel a little dread.  For me, I don't usually know if it is going to be an all out spanking with the paddle or swats.  If she is seated, I am in a ton of trouble for sure.  I know that I will be over her knee and will be paddled for an undetermined amount of time for sure.  *That* leaves me no sort of end point to look toward.  It is going to be done, when she says it is done.  If she is standing, sometimes there is a little more hope.  Rarely do I have the privilege of knowing how many swats I will be given.  I do know that if she swings hard enough to send me flying, it will be over! LOL.  She also knows the difference between the reaction being the actual stroke of the paddle and me being dramatic.  How fair is that??
The two that discipline me, do not let me get away with anything any more.  I am given one warning to stop or change my behavior.  There is not a second one.  Strange thing is that I have never felt more safe and more secure in my life.  I do press at the boundaries and fuss at the rules.  But ya know what?  I like the fact that the paddle is in her hand.

The Belt and Sting

If there is one implement that I *fear* it is the belt.  I have no basis for this fear.  A belt has never been used on me.  I have never even slapped one across my own hand.  Yet, when I think about different implements, this is the one that brings dread.  There is something inside me that sort of worries over it.
Wooden implements are used on me the most.  I am accustomed to them.  I know what to expect.  I have a healthy respect for Daddie Mickey's huge wooden spoon that is so big, the spoon part cups and covers one cheek!  The hairbrush in Miss Jenn's hands gets the same respect..  I don't exactly *like* either one.  I do know what to expect though.  They know they will get my attention and get the message across to me.  *If*, there is a message.
If it is a fast sting, *that*, can drop me to my knees in an instant.  I think that is some of my fear with the belt.  I have turned around and grabbed a tawse out of the hand of a Dominant after just one stroke.  I let them know that there would not be a second.  Not a great thing for a submissive to do.  I just knew that the sting was so intense from that one stroke that I would lose my composure and not be able to continue in the scene.  (Some learned to bind me after that, lol!)
Even with a good warm up, there is something about implements that are meant to sting that I have a love/hate relationship with.  When the sting floods me, I have been known to also have a flood of bad words fly out of my mouth.  Not good for a girl who is not allowed to use curse words, ever.  (yeah, I have used a couple of those not so good words throughout this blog but haven't been told I was in trouble for it.  Even, hell and damn are not allowed, how lame is that?)
How come, when in the process of being spanked and naughty words come out of the mouth because it HURTS, the Spanker responds by spanking harder and faster?  I am not exactly sure how that is suppose to stop the flow of forbidden words.  Well, except that it usually does take my breath away and I am not exactly capable of saying anything then, lol.  I know that some Dominants and Disciplinarians will stop the spanking and wash your mouth out with soap.  I have been made to watch a mouth soaping and been told to be sure to watch my words or I would get the same treatment.  I *think* she was kidding, but I am not sure.
Back to the belt.... I know that for some bottoms the whole process of having the belt taken off, folded in half or wrapped around a hand, is very important.  It is part of the ritual that they want or need.  The sound of the strike is so completely different from a wooden paddle.  I understand that.  I get it. Some things are just kinda hard-wired in our brains.  For me, just the threat of a belt being used makes me think twice...three...four times!
I do pretty well with staying within the boundaries around me.  When I was threatened with a belt recently, for whining or acting like a brat, it was MORE than enough to convince me to not whine or be bratty.  I think that if a belt or strap were hanging on the wall instead of a paddle, I would be the best behaved girl in Washington.
What implement makes you go weak in the knees (and not in a good way) when you think about it being used on you?
For those of you who do the spanking, what are YOU thinking when you use an implement that you know we just can't stand?
Add comments please... I really am interested in hearing your thoughts.

Don't Run

Found this and just could not resist!!  Sometimes we wish it was this easy!

Bits and Pieces

As I am pulled over her lap a groan escapes through my lips.  My head already knows what my bottom doesn't....yet.  This is not going to be pleasant.  I don't know why I did it.  I can't even tell her what I was thinking.  It is not that I won't tell, which I am sure she is thinking right now, I truly don't know.  My entire body tenses as she reaches for the wooden paddle that sits on her bedside table.  I try to slow my breathing.  I do everything in my power to will my body to relax.  Tensing up is only going to make it hurt more.  She pulls my pajama bottoms down exposing her intended target.  This is not unusual.  Rarely does she start anywhere but on bare skin.  She wastes no time and brings that paddle down across one cheek.  Instantly I am clinging to the bed sheet with both fists. The sting assaults my awareness ferociously .  My body goes completely stiff before the second smack of the paddle falls on the other cheek.  I am caught in her capable grip.  I cannot escape!  This is not for fun.  This is not a good girl spanking.  This is discipline.  This is a reminder of what will happen if there is a *next* time.
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Sooo, we are driving down the freeway.  Just chatting and laughing with one another.  Out of the blue, she slows the car and pulls off to the side.  I ask her if everything is okay.  She replied, yes.  Then, she waited for a couple of cars to go by and got out of the car.  I was so confused.  If everything is okay, then why are we pulled off the side of the highway?  Why did she get out of the car?  She walked around the back of the car and over to my side.  Opening the door, she helped me get out of the car.  What in the heck was she doing?  All of my questions went unanswered.  She took my hand and started leading me down a small embankment. I was protesting at this point.  She shushed me and kept leading me down into the trees and tall grasses.  She stopped, looked around and back up to the road.  *This is a good spot*, she said to me.  A good spot for what, I asked?  She said, *For this!*.   Then she proceeded to undo my jeans and pulled them and panties down to my knees!  She held onto me as she bent me over slightly and spanked me with her hand over and over!  My eyes are darting back up the embankment, seeing the passing cars.  If anyone looked, there was no doubt they would see me being spanked.  The flush of embarrassment colored my face quickly as she colored my backside totally red.  She was actually laughing as she slapped my bottom over and over!  I am trying not to yell *Ow*!  There is no one around and I am worried about being heard?  Seems I would have worried more about being pretty naked from the waist down and being spanked!  When she stopped and pulled everything back up where it was suppose to be, the grin on her face was huge.  I asked her what in the heck that was all about.  She replied to me, that it simply was all about the fact that she can!
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OTK

Over the knee.  This position is the favorite of so many.  It can be humbling for sure, given the right circumstances.  Laying over the knee or lap, of the one who is going to spank me, leaves no doubt in my mind of who is in control.  It puts me in a position where I have very little control.
Tonight I was in that position for quite some time.  A lot of the time, I was being spanked, but not all.  Just laying there, not being scolded or corrected.  Again, I was reminded about how calming and soothing that position is for me.  I don't know how to explain to another, the peace that floods over me when I am like that.  There is a total trust between me and the one spanking me.  It is a safe place for me.  So safe in fact that I have forgotten that I was laying there with my bare bottom exposed.
I was never spanked as a child.  For me there is no past personal experience to relate it to.  Tonight I laid over the knee doing much more than receiving a spanking.  I was so safe and so secure, that my Spanker and I actually watched a short video on her phone while I laid there!  We laughed together.  She let me lay there and just feel safe for awhile.  Most definitely cared for.   I am definitely a very blessed girl!  A sore bottomed one at the moment on top of it all!

Tan Your Hide

Hmmm... Sure don't know what they actually *do* in this business. 

 It does get the imagination going for sure.  

Maybe I should open a business. 

 Hire a few Tops.  

Invest in a *few* implements or steal all of Mickey's.  

She probably would be the first one on the payroll! hehehehe!

Instead of live music, maybe I could have a few Guest Spankers from time to time.  

I wonder how much sound proofing would cost? lol

Do I Need To Spank You?

"Do I need to give you a spanking?" 

 Why is that a sentence that reaches in and grabs a hold of my heart?  What is it about those words in that order that have so much power over me?  It really isn't even a question that expects an answer.  It is much more a question with intent.  I know that I am not about to answer.....why yes, you do need to give me a spanking. lol!  I might be thinking it.  I may even be wanting it.  But I sure in the heck am not going to say it.
That question coming from one who does spank, wields a lot of power. It is definitely a reminder of their authority in that moment.  It does tell me that my behavior is pushing the edges of the bratting boundary.  It is a question that asks me to check my behavior or attitude.
Wonder what would happen if the little brat part actually did answer, yes?

I have my times of just being over the top silly.  So often it happens on a day when we are out and about.  It is not that I don't know when to quit or tone it down.  It is that I don't want to.  Sometimes it is just so damn fun that I don't want to stop and I don't care if it is irritating.  I don't care because I am having fun.  I may be being naughty but on my end, I am just playing around.
The first time I ever heard those words, I was about 11 years old.  I was *sort of* helping clean and fix up a house for my grandparents to move into.  I had found a piece of a belt and I was snapping it over and over.  God, how I loved the sound it made.  I wasn't thinking anything.  The thought of spanking never entered my mind.  I just thought the sound was so cool.  Apparently, my Aunt didn't agree with me.  She asked me a couple of times to go throw it away.  I did put it away and go back to working but I just couldn't resist the damn thing.  It seemed to her that every time she came back into the room I was playing with it again.  She had quietly come up behind me as I was snapping it and very quietly whispered in my ear, "Do I need to spank you with that?"  Holy shit!  That was the farthest thing from my thoughts.  I was totally startled and when I looked at her, she had a grin on her face.  There was a panic in me for a moment, wondering if she knew my secret.  She simply told me that she would just go throw it away for me.  I didn't protest.  I was too in shock to actually respond.  Someone had actually said to me... do I need to spank you.
Oh I had heard threats of punishment from many other adults before then.  They were mostly serious threats even though not one person carried through.  Here was my Aunt saying something that wasn't a threat and it took my breath away.  She was teasing me of course and had no intention of using that piece of belt on me.  I have to say that those words became a part of my fantasy world after that.  She had no idea what she had caused inside of me.
Being out somewhere public and just messing around is so much fun for me.  I will admit, I am the one who wants to be spanked in public.  I am the one who wants to be taken from the table to the restroom and given a reminder of who is in charge and how I am suppose to behave.  I am the one that will push right to the edge but rarely go beyond it.  I want to see that warning look.  I want to hear the whispered threat.  I want to push to the point that the hairbrush gets taken from the purse and set on the table.  But, I also want to know that the threat is actually a promise.
I have this fantasy rolling around in my head of being out shopping and being taken to the women's dressing room and spanked.  Oh, and at the Tacoma mall there is this restroom that has a whole room off to the side for mothers with children, for breastfeeding, for women to just sit and relax.  It has chairs and couches and stools.  I have never seen any one actually in it using it for anything.  I do dream of being taken there because I have been so naughty while shopping.  Ahh, a girl can dream.

Need

Sitting here with so many things going through my mind.  The subjects of discipline and spanking are a part of what I am thinking about.  Having a need for spanking.  Needing to know that someone else cares enough to take disciplinary measures with me.  I have 2 in my life that do just that.  It is the *need* that I am really thinking about.  How can it be such a huge need?  Where did it come from and why does it remain?
I know what many of the psychologists say about it.  I think they are wrong.  This thing that is so special and makes me feel so cared about and loved, did not come from the fact that I come from a history of abuse.  It just didn't.  The pain from that abuse has to go some place but it didn't go into the need for spanking.  I was not physically abused.  I was not spanked.
Others being spanked were all around me in my younger years.  My sister was spanked by our mother pretty often when we were younger.  Did I really pull that into myself as the way I would know that I was loved?  The private school used paddling and I was aware of it.  I watched my father spank my mother.  I am sure they all had an effect on me.  I had one therapist tell me once that because of how I grew up I connected pain with love.
Dammit!  THAT is not right.

This *thing* that I love and need is bigger and deeper than that.  I don't like pain.  I have been described as a masochist in the past because I could take anything dished out in the percussive side of BDSM.  My personal situation has changed and I haven't been able to do that, or even wanted to for 4 years.  But, with spanking there is like there is this fever in me that goes higher and higher as the need for it grows.  It is a physical feeling and it effects me emotionally.  Going without a spanking for awhile effects my mood.  Certainly, not in a good way.
I love being spanked.  I love what it does to me.  I love the closeness and the feel of skin on skin.  I feel the safest laying over a lap waiting to be spanked.  Just laying in that position has a huge effect on me emotionally.  There is nothing abusive there for me.  Not every spanking is meant to set my backside on fire either.  There is a connection that happens.  With Mickey, it is the deepest of all connections.  There is also a change that takes place in me and I always come away from those times, changed for the better.
Being spanked centers me.  When life and stress and stuff just gets in the way of my *ok-ness*, that spanking helps me think more clearly again.  It helps me face it all more productively.  I am not one who cries when being spanked.  I am not certain that anyone can actually take me there. (No, this is not a challenge)  I believe that it would take a huge overwhelming of my senses to actually take me to tears in a spanking.
The reason spanking remains a need in my life is because of what it does for me and how it makes me feel.  As far as where it came from... I just don't know.  I think some of us are just born like this.

Fun Spankings vs Punishment Spankings

Fun vs punishment.... In other words, how do you punish someone who likes spanking, with a spanking?  If you are a bottom like I am, you know that there is a big difference.  In fun there is usually a lot less emotions that are real. (for me anyway)  There can even be laughter through out the whole thing from both the Spanker and the spankee.  The offenses are made up even if the role play is totally serious.  There is just a completely different mindset.  The release a fun spanking can bring is wonderful as well.  It can do so much for both involved.  It can draw them closer.  It can release stress for both.  Even though it can also be quite a work-out for both, it can be invigorating.  It can bring a *high* with it.  Fun spankings between Mickey and I have even cleared the air so to speak.  It renews our bond.  Bottom-line.  It is Fun!
Punishment on the other hand - whole different mindset.  In a punishment session, the emotions are so very real, (for me).  So much so, that if I am scolded in any way, it brings a huge humbling inside of me.  Mickey has given me a couple of spankings that were punishment in nature.  Actually only one comes to mind and it was when I decided to stop taking all of my medications.  I was just sick and tired of taking about 25 pills a day.  It made sense to me to just stop and not tell anybody.  I was feeling *ok* so I convinced myself I didn't need them.  I think a lot of us think like that... we don't want to do something so we convince ourselves that we really don't need to.  Definitely, the wrong choice for me.  I did not tell Mickey any of this.  The subject came up later, after I had started retaking them.  I no longer remember how it came up or the circumstances around it.  I told her that I had stopped taking my meds for awhile.  I wasn't even thinking it was a bad thing.  I was immediately questioned. ( Whatever we had been talking about went right out the window.)  * Are you taking them all now? Are you taking them properly? When did this happen? What in the hell made you think it was ok? Do you realize the health risk you took? Do you know you could have died!!?*  I heard her tone filled with concern and so serious.  There was no anger, no raised voice, not even a sternness. For me it was all just matter-of-fact.  THEN, she got silent.  I mean completely, silent.  I watched her and she wouldn't even look at me.  That's when it hit me that I was in trouble here.  I am not sure exactly what I said but it was to the effect of, *I am in big trouble, aren't I?*  She told me that I was and that she was far to angry to continue the conversation at that moment.  She stayed emotionally distant from me and pretty much completely silent for at least two days.  Inside of me, anxiety grew, the knowledge that I had made a very wrong choice for myself in stopping my meds grew, guilty feelings grew, it was bad, all bad.  It was like the next day that she then also made me tell my Mistress who was still in my life then.  She was in Spain at the time and I was told to phone her and tell her as well what I had done.  Thank God, she was in Spain.  I had never been in real trouble much with either of them.  Stefany was 100% Italian and boy did she yell!  I was chewed out in multiple languages.  She was so angry she was jumping from English to French to Italian.  Yes I understood.  She told me she wanted to ground me to my room for a week with absolutely nothing and no contact with anyone, not friends, not her, not Mickey..no electronics, no books, no writing implements, just me and me thinking about what I had done.  All of that of course after she had beaten me bloody!  Her words, not mine.  I got an earful and was told that I would be getting the spanking of my life.  (She ended up staying in Spain and I never saw her face to face again.)  She and Mickey talked as well and that conversation took place well out of my hearing range.  After that conversation is when I started becoming afraid.  Not of the spanking.  I was afraid I had been so bad that they both were going to have nothing more to do with me.  I wanted Mickey to spank me by then.  I knew it would not be fun or easy.  I felt so bad inside, I just wanted the brokenness that I felt to be dealt with and healed.  I had failed them by not taking care of myself.  I was given one day like I described above and it was excruciating for me.  After that is when Mickey started talking to me again.  I was assured that I was still loved and wanted and would be spanked.  It was all matter-of-factly told to me.  The scolding and spanking would come later.  And it did.  This is where spanking for fun, playing spanking, takes a whole different turn for someone who loves to be spanked.  Mickey scolding me brought tears to my eyes.  I couldn't in any way adequately tell her how sorry I was.  I was paddled with no warm up, with a large wooden paddle that actually says on it *Crie Adjuster*  A paddle I had made for her but sure hated having it used.  It was directly on the bare and it hurt like hell.  There was nothing playful or fun in that for either one of us.  I think that some people wouldn't even consider it an actual punishment spanking.  But, it was.  The punishment was in all of it.  That time that was close to three days had just as much to do with the spanking, the punishment and I learned my lesson for sure.
A spanking for punishment works differently than one for fun.  Everything about it is different.  Even the demeanor of the two involved, is different.  I actually want punishment spankings when I am being corrected.  No matter what the correction actually is.  Correction in my life is more verbal, time-out, and writing... when it is finished, it is a spanking from Mickey that again seals the bond, draws me to her and for me, brings an end to the punishment.  When she is not happy with me or something I have done, the spanking after whatever the correction or punishment actually was, is brought to an end by the spanking.  My world is ok again, I have been forgiven and I am loved.  Maybe it is strange that we don't see these as punishment spankings.  It's just the way it works for us.  I rarely ever cry and that is not a sign on whether or not it was a punishment
Someone who loves spankings knows the difference between what is fun and what is punishment.  I was given a punishment spanking by Miss Jenn.  It was not administered harshly.  It came from a place of care, concern and love.  I was being punished and knew I was being punished.  I was angry and hating it most of the time and I am the one who loves spankings.
 Talk to your Top (or your bottom) about what the difference is for the two of you.  Find out what works for you both.  Again, communicate :)

A Quote

I found this quote in an interview with Miss Chris : "I particularly enjoy taking a spankee on a tour of land and prospects they wouldn’t be able to explore with anyone else. I like to say I’m the Tour Guide through Hell, I can take you there, as deeply as you want to go, help you navigate while you’re there, and then lead you back out into the world a better, and stronger person."

I know that sometimes there is what is almost like a love/hate relationship with spankings.  The wanting and the need is there.  The build up while waiting for it is filled with so many different feelings.  The preparation can be thrilling and anxiety filled. The ritual of going over the lap, the raising of the skirt and rolling down of the panties. Then there is the actual spanking.  It might start off soft and easy or hot and hard.  Either way, it often builds up to a level of pain that sometimes we don't think we want any more.  It hurts!  I have been over a lap or two where I have wondered how I got myself into this and promised repeatedly that I would never ever do it again. Pretty much hating it as it gets more painful.  When it is done and over with - there is a release.  For me, very often a centering.  My world is okay again.  Whatever was going on prior to the spanking, is now different.  
I had never thought of it quite in the way that Miss Chris described.  A spanking partner or a Disciplinarian, can really do that with the one they are spanking.  They have so much responsibility placed on them.  They have to watch us, read our body language, watch the skin, the whole time, enjoying themselves as well.  After all, would they really do it if they didn't enjoy it?  Don't get me wrong, as the one being spanked, we are not off the hook in the responsibility department.  We are responsible for our well-being emotionally and physically.  Someone spanking us may say something unknowingly that triggers us in a bad way.  We have to own that and communicate that with the Top.  I will never be able to emphasis enough how important communication is.  More than that, it has to be honest, open communication.  There are somethings that we just don't want to share.  Whether it is from embarrassment or shame or something else, all I can say is SAY it anyway.  If you are preparing for a spanking, especially with a new person, be honest!  They are Tops, not mind-readers.  They can take us on an unforgettable journey and hopefully we want it to be a very nice one when we have reached the end.
I believe that a Disciplinary Spanker who takes on a bottom, does exactly what Miss Chris is describing.  Whether it is one session or many, if it is for discipline specifically, there is a type of journey that can take place.  Looking at those places where guilt has risen.  Being scolded for specific things.  Spanked for specific real life offenses.  Standing in the corner or writing lines.  There is a purpose in it.  The result so much of the time is the release of so much pent up emotion and guilt.  On the other side of the session emerges a person who is a little different, changed, stronger, lighter, freer, etc.