September 1st.

A new month.  My birthday month.  We are celebrating starting today with a trip to the museum.  I am excited.  Life has been so stressful.  Hopefully these next few days will be all about kicking back and just having some fun together.

The state fair opens tomorrow.  It is a place we love to go to.  There is so much to see and do.  Usually for my birthday we go to the rodeo.  It is almost always right around my birthday.  This year it has been postponed a week.  We are still going to go.  I love watching the rodeo.  The animals are beautiful.  It is fast, exciting and always unpredictable.  

Fast and unpredictable are some of what I like in a bdsm scene as well.  I like the feeling of not knowing exactly what is going to happen next.  That suspense tickles my senses in a wonderful way.  Add to that some bondage that I can't escape and I am in heaven.

So, here is to the start of my birthday week....I wonder if I can stretch it out to include the whole month?

Finding Ourselves

I like this saying.  In a life that can become very ordered and organized, sometimes getting lost is a great thing to have happen.  It is often those unexpected things that really show us who we are.  I have a difficult time with change.  I like knowing what to expect or what happens next.  When someone or something throws a wrench into that, I have been known to freak, lol!  But, it is those times that usually also help me find myself.  They have a way of uncovering or exposing my growth or lack of it in some areas.
Sometimes, for me, the getting lost part is me heading under headphones and listening to favorite music.  I get lost in the music.  It changes my attitude almost always.  Most of the time it sends me for pen and paper and I write.
Occasionally,  getting lost and finding myself happens when I color.  Coloring is so much more than a pass time of childhood.  Coloring brings a calmness.  Coloring works a lot like meditation for me.
I am sure we all have those times of seeking ourselves, needing answers, etc.  We each have different ways of accomplishing that as well.  Use what works for you.  Now, go get lost!

Energy

I have not really thought about this before.  Giving positive or negative attention to something is still a form of energy.  Regardless of my response, if I have a response, I am using energy.  These days, sometimes, there just is not enough energy to face the day.  I never really thought about my negative responses also draining energy from me.  I guess the alternative would be having no response at all.  Withholding my energy from a situation completely. 

Is that possible?  Is ignoring it, withholding energy?  Something to think about.

Nothing Really

There is nothing really on my mind.  Our home life right now is stressful.  One of our sons has been staying with us for a few weeks.  His wife and son are here as well.  They are homeless at the moment.  He and his little sister do not get along and he is making her life miserable.  We have given them until the 27th to be out. He is not working.  She starts at a fast-food place later this week.  The addition of the three of them has sent stress through the roof for all of the rest of us.
Mickey has not been paid any of her overtime pay in months.  From at least March, she is owed this pay.  They keep giving her the run-around and she keeps getting angrier at them.  The man down the road is still as nosy as hell.  He tries to be all up in our business.  I want to scream!
My pain levels are staying pretty high.  Stress tends to do that.  My bones are changing and using my body is a challenge most days.  Some days, I can just accept that this is how it is.  Other days, I get very frustrated.  Needing help to simply cut my meal into bite sized pieces, doesn't sit very well with me.  Typing, writing and even coloring take a toll on my body.  Argg!  It is maddening sometimes!
Still, I know that I must do all I can to keep a good attitude.  I have to practice thankfulness.  I have to look at the glass as half full.  For me it is more than survival at stake.  It is also so much about finding even the smallest things to be happy about.  It is about fighting for my sanity as well as my quality of life.  With a bad or depressed attitude, I believe I would become very miserable.  That is something that I never want to allow to happen.  I believe that life is good.  There is good here and I am thankful for that!

Ocean

This is a picture of my favorite place to be in the world.  It doesn't have to be the ocean.  It can be a lake, a waterfall or a stream.  It is the movement and sound of the water that draws me.  I am captivated by the power it has over me and the calmness it brings to me.
Quite a long time ago I was on a pier in San Diego.  It was storming and the ocean was in an uproar.  The waves were crashing against the pier.  I had no business being there during that time.  The thing is though, I could not pull myself away from the sight, sound and feel of it all.  It grabs a hold of me and takes me somewhere else.  I don't know how to explain it.  I simply love the way it makes me feel.

Violence in the World

Today, I have been forcing my mind to move away from dwelling on the tragedies that are happening in our Country and world.  Thankfully no violence is actually touching my life personally.  So, why then, is my heart still breaking?  I am appalled  by the violence that is taking place.  I don't understand it.  I certainly do not condone it.  I do not see violence as the answer to anything.  I can't say that I believe totally in an eye for an eye.
I understand anger.  I understand wanting to kill someone else.  If a family member was harmed intentionally, I cannot say that I wouldn't see red and want to retaliate.  Left unchecked, I know I am capable of acting on those thoughts.  I know I would not hesitate to shoot an intruder into my home.  I know that I am capable of murder.
In the *heat* of emotion, I know that I am capable of almost anything.  So where is the line between myself and someone else who is angry and takes a gun killing any representation of their anger focus?  What makes me any different?
I am not sure.  That is a scary thought.  Maybe I haven't been pushed to that point.  Maybe I have never felt that much hate.

Pain & Judgment

After a couple of days of things going better than normal physically, I am having a rough day today.  The pain is over the top.  A part of me would like to curl up and try to sleep past the pain.  Until I started experiencing pain all the time, I never realized just how exhausting physical pain is.  It has a way of absolutely draining strength.
When I am physically drained it can be difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything.  I also have noticed that I have to work hard on my attitude.  Pain can trigger a short temper.  I am very careful with my responses.  Also, I often check with others about how I am coming across to them.  I am not an angry type person.  At the same time, I know that the pain on my face can be misinterpreted as anger.  As it is, my silence is often misjudged by others and that frustrates me at times.  I don't want the pain that I cannot hide to also be misinterpreted.
We each have out own unique challenges and struggles.  No one is immune.  It seems to be far too easy to judge others simply on outward appearance.  Whether we like it or not, our society is one of judgment.  Sometimes all people see is the outside.  I have been labeled a bitch so many times.  It has been completely based on my frequent silences.  I have been accused of thinking myself somehow better than others, simply because I am quiet.  I wonder sometimes what that says about the person who judges me that way.  What is going on in their life that makes them see my quietness as a negative type judgment?
Where is the line between hiding my pain and explaining myself?  I think for me it is determined by the relationship that I have with the other person.  If I value the relationship, I am more open to explaining myself.  I am more open then to even admitting that I am in pain.  I do have a tendency to try and hide the physical pain I am experiencing, even with those closest to me.  Some of it is pride.  Some of it is not wanting pity.  Some of it is not wanting to complain.  I think all of it is trying to just put my best foot forward at all times.

Land of the Free, Home of the Brave

I wish that I lived in a world where love was enough.  A world where all lives matter.  A world that didn't judge by skin color.  I wish I lived in a world where the actions of one was not automatically tied to an entire group.
From the race conflicts in the 60s, I would think that we would have grown up by now, but we haven't.  My father was a racist.  His views were very hard to swallow.  At a very young age, all I saw were people.  Men and women.  I judged them on the evil that I did or didn't see in them.  My judgment was through the actions I saw.  I didn't buy into my father's hate.
So many people now seem to want a reason to hate.  Whether it is gender, sexuality, race, religion, occupation.... they want some reason to fight, harm, degrade, ridicule and yes, murder.  To say that this saddens me doesn't even come close to expressing the deep sadness that I feel.
We live in a world of terrorism.  We live in a country that sadly also terrorizes those who are different or get classed in some group.  The threat of terror attacks from other hate groups from other nations, is real.  Right now I feel like those groups can just sit back and watch us destroy one another out of hate and prejudice.
I am not looking for paradise, just peace.  Living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, it would be nice to actually see that freedom for all.  It would be wonderful to see bravery in action.  Standing up for what you believe in, is bravery.  Acknowledging the differences between yourself and others is also bravery.  Allowing others to be different is freedom in action.
America is bound in chains.  Chains of our own making.  Chains hardened by hate and prejudices.  Only love and acceptance can break those chains.  Violence is never the answer.

Perception

I like optical illusion type things.  The colors in this one make me smile.  There is so much that can be done with colors and shapes.  I have been doing a lot of coloring lately and came across this picture.  I really like the way it appears to move.
I am reminded that some things in life look like they are going a certain way and then at closer inspection, things seem to have shifted.  We don't even always know why they have shifted.  We don't even always understand how or why they did, we just know that something changed.
The perception from which we look at things can be altered by so many other forces.  In the picture it is from color and shape.  In our lives, it can be emotions, other people, and so many other things.  I believe it is okay to change our perception and to allow it to be altered.  So few of the things in our life are written in stone.  Fewer still can be only seen from one view point.  There are so many different aspects to the things in our lives.

Need for Approval

I have been thinking about something today.  Over my life time, I have struggled with the issue of needing approval from others.  As I have gotten older, the *need* for this has changed.  As a child, teen and young adult, it was pretty huge in my life.  The desire to be accepted was a driving factor in my life for a long time.
It is hard to remember when I finally felt the freedom to just be myself.  Up until then, who I was changed somewhat with each person or group I was involved with.  The motivation behind it all was just the need to be accepted.
I never felt that I was good enough.  There was no feeling that I actually belonged.  I had a few friends, but no real close friends.  My life was filled with a lot of secrecy because of all the abuses at home.  I think because of this, who I was, wasn't ever exposed let alone seen by others.
I was rejected by the mother I grew up with, right from the start.  I knew early on that she didn't like me or want me.  At such a young age, I started searching for a mother figure that would simply just accept me.
Now in my life, I accept myself.  That truth is what I believe has stopped that huge need for acceptance from others.  I am not perfect.  I accept my flaws and weaknesses.  I understand that I am just me.  All I can ever be is *me*, and that is okay.

Happy 4th of July!

A day to celebrate the things we love best about America.  Freedom!

This is a page that I did for the 4th of July.  Hope everyone has an awesome day filled with the very best.  It doesn't matter if you spend the day alone or with friends - just make it your own!  Hell, it doesn't even matter if you live in the USA.  It is still the fourth day of July, and any day can be a good day.  Celebrate the freedoms you do have.  Remember those who went to fight and died for those freedoms.  Spread some joy and happiness.  Love yourself and those around you.  Make the day, yours!

A Survivor

This page is free for anyone to download and color.  An artist that I work with did it for me as a special request.
All of us are a survivor of something.  In your life it may not be abuse, rape, cancer, domestic violence, or something else along those lines.  We all have survived childhood.  When you stop and think about it, we are faced with challenges all the time.  Life is not always easy, for sure.  We have things to learn and things to do.  We are strong enough, we are survivors!

Just stuff

I see a new doctor in the morning and start all over again with my health care.  This new doctor use to be Mickey's doctor and knows a little about me.  Although her case load was full, she decided she wanted me.  Wanted the challenge, I guess.  She does know some about my physical history and the problems I face.  I hope this is a good new start.
The military doctors became a complete farce.  How one doctor can throw out all the diagnosis from others is beyond me.  But, that is what happened to me.  Veterans far too often are treated like shit.  I had been very fortunate up until this last doctor.  I couldn't really understand all the complaints from others because my experiences were all good.  Sadly, I had to learn first hand just how bad it can get.

On top of everything, now Mickey needs surgery again as well.  She has been in horrible pain with her hip for months now.  We know why and the only answer is surgery.  I want her to have the surgery.  I know that it will mean hardship for us at first.  I do think the surgery is for the best and I want the best for her.

I am hoping that everything that can go wrong with us already has.  I am hoping that better days are just ahead waiting for us.

Stress

Stress.  At the moment, stress is the food of every day.  Each moment is weighed down with it.  Seems that at every turn we find more stress just waiting for us.  I wish that it would stop.  It seems that stress has a mind of it's own.  It is a living breathing being of some sort that can never be killed.
It is time for something else to feed this life of mine.

My Opinion

Sometimes people do things that to me seem like a form of manipulation.  Like, you know they are upset with you and you ask them to please share their thoughts and feelings and they tell you that they need more time first.  I guess there are times where this might be valid.  But in a D/s relationship?  Is it ever okay to tell your Top that you won't share your thoughts and feelings when directly asked to?  That idea just doesn't sit very well with me.
I have said that I need a few minutes to pull myself together a little, and then shared what I was feeling.  But, ignoring the Top?  Deliberately putting off the discussion?  I really don't think it is a good idea.  Maybe it is just me.
Are we ever suppose to withhold ourselves from our Top?  In the case I stated here, I think the bottom is in a way trying to also punish the Top.  Manipulate and punish...not good.  Maybe it is just this person's way of sorting through feelings and even stepping back to look at the relationship.  I still think it is wrong.  Just my opinion.

Stand in Love

50 people were killed.  Beyond that, nothing matters.  It is not 50 gay people, 50 people of Hispanic decent, 50 lesbians, 50 bi-sexual people.  It is simply 50 people!
This recent attack, breaks my heart.  The fact that love is met with such hate is far beyond my comprehension.  Tragically, I have seen things online where others are saying they deserved to die.  When did being alive become a crime?  At what point did loving someone come with a death sentence?
When our souls open up in love to another person, it is the purest deepest sort of love there is.  Our hearts choose who we love.  When that choice has come from deep inside, love does not care what gender, race, or religion is involved.  It only sees through love.
It has been said that all it takes for evil to thrive is for good to do nothing.  I also say that all it takes for hate to grow is for love to do nothing!
Stand in love.  Put love out into our world.  Begin where you are and let it flow from you.

Sounding Off

At the moment, this life that I am living is filled with stresses that I wish were not there.  Daily I am faced with things that seem impossible to work through.  I feel like I have reached my breaking point.  None of it is pleasant.  There doesn't seem to be much in the way of solutions. It is hard!
Being a parent is not always fun or pleasant.  Having adult children sure has not made life easier, at least not right now.  I am not sure what to do when they present more and more problems in our life.  They want our help and keep causing chaos, stress and misery for us.  They have a sense of entitlement that I cannot figure out where it came from.  I just want it all to end.
I am grounded enough to understand that life is not always easy or fair.  What do you do when 99% of the stress is coming from outside of the core unit?  At what point do you stand up and say enough!?  Where do you draw the line of not caring anymore?  How much abuse can one heart take?  How much disrespect is too much?  How much pain do you allow before you just leave?
My thoughts have gone to very dark places recently.  All of it has been done because of things that are being done to me right now.  The dark thoughts have come from not knowing any longer how to deal with the hell that is happening in my own home.  It doesn't feel like it is my home anymore.  It sure isn't my sanctuary anymore.  It is an impossible situation and with all of me, I want it to end.

What Hurt You The Most?

I don't remember the name of the program that generated this message for me.  All I did was insert my first name one day last week and this is the comments/card that was generated for me.
As I read it I was a little stunned by the message because it seriously hit home with me.  Dealing with the death of my father who also was one of my abusers has really forced me to face some hard truths.
Growing up, even with the abuses and rage and alcoholism, I adored my father.  He was a lot of horrible things but I still was given those times of being Daddy's beloved little girl.  I was special to him for a lot of wrong reasons.  When I was young, I didn't understand that at all.  I defended him fiercely.  He was the parent who took care of me and showed me kindness.  He was also the monster of my nightmares.
This card that was generated seconds after I put in my name and no other information, hit my feelings on the nose.  In some ways it applies to both parents that I grew up with.  What I know is that I am a stronger person now.  I don't like what I had to go through but I know that all of it has contributed to the woman I am today.

In the Present

As a person with PTSD, this message is important to me.  I am often reminded of my past when I do not want to be.  I also use to have a lot of fear about having a flashback.  At times I felt bombarded by the pain from memories and the fear that it would strike me again at anytime.  Living like that can mean that the *right now* gets lost on me.  I have had times where I was so afraid that I would be triggered by something, that I wouldn't want to go anywhere.  I missed out on outings because of fear of what might happen.
The message really is about getting things into perspective.  We all have a past.  We all have painful memories.  If we are dwelling on them so much that we cannot enjoy the right now, we are missing out.  If we spend a lot of time worrying about what might happen, how can we enjoy what is happening at the moment?
The past is past and the future isn't here yet.  All we have is right now.

Time heals all wounds

Ever wonder how true the old statement, time heals all wounds, really is?  With all the emotional things I have been going through lately, I have wondered about it.  What role does time have in healing?  Is it more than just distance from what ever caused the wound in the first place?  I have wondered if it is time that gives us time to process it, or even just time to mature in some circumstances.
With time, most physical wounds will heal.  I cannot heal myself.  I do not know how to heal a physical wound.  It is something that my body instinctively knows how to do and begins the process in most cases.  I do not have to tell my body to do it.  It knows it needs to and begins to try.
Those emotional wounds do not work in quite the same way.  Most of us do have a survival instinct and do try to protect ourselves from harm.  I don't think we set out to harm ourselves emotionally.  I do believe that we have to set out purposely to heal ourselves from emotional wounds.  I also know that this process does indeed take time.
The healing process is different for each of us.  It also can be very different for each wound inflicted.  My advice is to give it time and give it the necessary effort.  How long?  However long it takes!