September 3rd

Today is my birthday.  We started celebrating on Thursday.  Our plan was to go to the Museum on Thursday.  We didn't make it.  Instead we ended up going treasure shopping.  Hitting a bunch of different stores and looking around.  I enjoy doing that a lot.  Yesterday we went to the fair.  Got rained on a couple of times but it was great.  Today, I will be spending some time with Mickey and Miss Jenn.
I really love elephants and received two gifts that are elephant related.  A pair of socks with elephants on them.  (I also have a sock collection).  Mickey also got me a crystal that has been engraved with an elephant inside.  It came with a stand that lights up and turns.  Both gifts are gorgeous!  Today and tomorrow two of the coloring books I wanted from my favorite artists are coming as well.  I am being just a little spoiled, lol!
There is still a surprise planned for me that I have no clue about.  I only know that it is planned and will happen this weekend sometime.  Of course there will be birthday spankings today as well.  Lucky me!

September 1st.

A new month.  My birthday month.  We are celebrating starting today with a trip to the museum.  I am excited.  Life has been so stressful.  Hopefully these next few days will be all about kicking back and just having some fun together.

The state fair opens tomorrow.  It is a place we love to go to.  There is so much to see and do.  Usually for my birthday we go to the rodeo.  It is almost always right around my birthday.  This year it has been postponed a week.  We are still going to go.  I love watching the rodeo.  The animals are beautiful.  It is fast, exciting and always unpredictable.  

Fast and unpredictable are some of what I like in a bdsm scene as well.  I like the feeling of not knowing exactly what is going to happen next.  That suspense tickles my senses in a wonderful way.  Add to that some bondage that I can't escape and I am in heaven.

So, here is to the start of my birthday week....I wonder if I can stretch it out to include the whole month?

Submission

So, I asked for help in a subject to write about today.  What I got was, why do I feel the connection I have with Mickey when She is completely in dominant mode?
For me, it has to do with feeling complete.  Mickey meets this other side in me.  Her confidence and strength shine through and beckon to me.  I meet them with my gift of submission and surrender.  Between us over the years our relationship has evolved.  Trust has been built.  Reliance on one another has been tested multiple times.  I have a need to submit to another woman.  Not just any woman.  There has to be this tug inside of me.  There has to be a relationship that continues to grow.
In this relationship, Mickey completes me.  Our strengths and weaknesses are intertwined.  She has taken the time to know me intimately on many levels.
I know that when I give my submission to her, she welcomes it with open arms.  It is something she treasures as well.  I complete her in a lot of the same ways.
Strong dominant confident women will always draw my attention.  It is the way I am wired.  That doesn't mean that I am the opposite.  Outside of that relationship I am strong and confident and in some situations, very dominant.  I am still just as strong, etc inside of that relationship as well.  It is a choice that I make to give my submission.
When Mickey or Miss Jenn are in that dominant headspace, my response is one of submission.  The relationships have developed enough that they accept and welcome that gift of submission as well.  I do not submit to just anyone.  As a submissive, I am strong and confident and still have a lot to give to the dominant in my life.

Water

This is paradise to me.  A quiet away sort of place with water.  Th waterfall is an extra bonus.  There is something about water that is so calming to me.  I can be siting near it or be in it and just feel so much better.  For me it is alive and life giving.  It shares it's energy with me..  It is there to give, to embrace, to encircle.  Floating on my back, all the stress floats away.

Just today

I have the house almost to myself right now.  Most of the family went to the air-show today.  I just have felt worn out today.  I was going to go at first even though I really didn't feel the *want-to*.  I know that once I do go, my body usually adjusts enough that I am somewhat comfortable.
Leaving the house and going out doing things is something I have done a lot lately.  Staying home doing nothing is almost always okay with me.  I have been pushing myself to just do it anyway and enjoying myself.  My birthday is in about a week.  Mickey is planning a lot of different outings for us.  I am excited about it.  At some point I am sure that I will struggle with the feelings of not wanting to go.  I seem to just be made that way.  I love what she is doing though.  I like the excitement I feel when I wonder about what exactly she is planning.
Being alone is something that I have always been comfortable with.  Doing nothing at all but sitting and listening or thinking is something I do often.  It has become more of a pain management thing now.  I do cherish these times alone and quiet just as much as those special times with family and friends.

Finding Ourselves

I like this saying.  In a life that can become very ordered and organized, sometimes getting lost is a great thing to have happen.  It is often those unexpected things that really show us who we are.  I have a difficult time with change.  I like knowing what to expect or what happens next.  When someone or something throws a wrench into that, I have been known to freak, lol!  But, it is those times that usually also help me find myself.  They have a way of uncovering or exposing my growth or lack of it in some areas.
Sometimes, for me, the getting lost part is me heading under headphones and listening to favorite music.  I get lost in the music.  It changes my attitude almost always.  Most of the time it sends me for pen and paper and I write.
Occasionally,  getting lost and finding myself happens when I color.  Coloring is so much more than a pass time of childhood.  Coloring brings a calmness.  Coloring works a lot like meditation for me.
I am sure we all have those times of seeking ourselves, needing answers, etc.  We each have different ways of accomplishing that as well.  Use what works for you.  Now, go get lost!

24 Hours Later

So, here I am after a few hours of raw emotion and new revelations.  I don't like times like that at all.  I don't like how I feel and I don't like that others see and are effected.  And I know that times like those are just another part of this thing we call life.
Mickey, my beloved Partner and so much more, has all along been doing her best in this situation we are in.  She has always tried to keep everyone safe and happy.
I am calmer.  I see things a little differently.  The only thing that I truly can change is myself.  I can walk forward with my family and do my best to bring peace in the stressful times.  I realized strangely enough that I was seeing Andy and his family, as one family and the rest of us as another family.  I was trying to protect my family and it showed in my actions and thoughts.  Crazy thinking on my part for sure.  We are one family.  That is all that matters.

Raw Feelings

There are a lot of negative type feelings in me right now.  Resentment, hatred, anger, frustration, depression, etc.  90% of it is over my living situation.  When I see Andrew or Stephanie, there is a coldness inside of me that is not nice.  How do I admit even to myself that I resent them being here?  They certainly do not do anything around here that helps.  Their noses are forever in their phones or in a game.  Their baby just screams for attention.  Andrew is the laziest person I have seen in a very long time.  He leaves all childcare to his wife.  She has to ask him to watch his son so she can use the bathroom!  It is ridiculous and so maddening!  What good or positive sort of things do they even contribute here?  I cannot think of one thing.
I am angry, so angry.  I don't know yet how to push that away from me and accept that this is the way things are for now.  Do I have a right to be angry?  It is not good to be treated so poorly in my own home.  I hate all of this!  I can't make things change and I cannot accept the way they are.  There is no fucking end in sight.  Every day that Mickey says nothing to them just hurts so much.  I am pretty sure that she just doesn't want to start any drama.  But, dammit, all they bring is drama and madness.  None of this is acceptable.  I have to leave my home to be somewhat sane...how fucking wrong is that?  This is suppose to be a sanctuary and it isn't.  I don't have a safe place anymore.  Nothing feels right or good.
Fighting is useless, it won't make anything better at all.  I am just stuck and just have to wait until someone else fixes or changes this hell I am living in.  I really dont think that anyone will.  I don't think anyone even cares that this is hell for me.

My House

So much chaos.  Home is crazy.  Adult children making things difficult.  Noise levels at least tripled.  Privacy is almost non-existent.  What do you do?  Where is the line between taking care of yourself and helping adult children?  Maybe if they were even a little grateful things would be easier.  This son is not grateful.  He simply believes it is his right to stay here for however how long he wishes or needs to.  He is difficult to live with.  He doesn't like me.  I am so very tired of all of this.  I want it to end.  My sanity needs it to end.  They are talking about 4 months more with us.  I am at my wits end.  This is my home and it doesn't feel like it is mine.  Most things that Mickey and I do are also planned around the other two's schedules etc.  She drives them back and forth to work.  We are being taken advantage of and I don't think Mickey even sees that fact.  I want them out of my house.
Our landlord wants them gone.  Mickey to my knowledge hasn't even told the kids this yet.  This idiot landlord tried to force his way into our house and shoved me.  The police were called.  One of the papers handed to us says that the kids have to move out of here.  They are not on the lease.  It has been over 2 months already.  It sure doesn't feel like my world is going to be anything close to normal any time soon.  I am frustrated and I am becoming resentful of the entire situation.

Time Flies...

Wow, being up all day and sleeping at night like most *normal* people, sure has made time get away from me!  I am trying to write every day.  I am called out of the house most days.  When I am at home, I am usually doing something with Mickey.  Even if it is just watching television, I don't feel comfortable turning the computer on as well.  I would rather write when I am alone.  Sometimes, it works well too if I just go under headphones and listen to music while writing.  For me, it is strange to do that with others in the room.  I do try and set an example for my family about what is polite and what might be seen as rude.  I realize that the restrictions on me about writing are self imposed.  It is still important to me though.
I want to lead by example when ever possible.

Bondage & Spanking

Last night I spent some time with Miss Jenn.  For the first time, she bound me to a table.  There is something about tight bondage with someone I completely trust, that makes me feel so safe.  There was no way that I was going anywhere.  My movement was completely limited and controlled by her.  As someone who is disabled, my movements are limited anyway.  Adding the element of bondage to what we are doing, just takes me higher.  I do go much more into the submissive head space.  Bondage has me completely engaged and it is no longer about what I can't do physically.  It becomes about what I can't do because she has made it that I cannot.  It is her will and not my own and I like it that way.
I enjoy being spanked.  It doesn't usually matter to me much about what brings me to the point of receiving the spanking.  There has been a lot of impromptu spankings, role-play ones and just because spankings.  All are great.  Last night, bondage took my weaknesses and threw them away for awhile.  I like that!

Catching Up

Home life is still crazy with another family living in our living-room.  One of our sons, his wife and 11 month old son.  It is chaotic, loud and stressful.  He and I do not get along very well.  I end up feeling like I am walking on eggshells most of the time.  I dislike the fact that he feels like he is entitled to this.  He runs Mickey ragged some days and is pissed off when she says no to him about taking him somewhere.  They don't have a vehicle.  At least they both have started new jobs.
Watching our son's very poor parenting skills up close and personal is extremely frustrating.  He is the type of person that you cannot tell anything to.  He is always right and his way is the only way.  So, we are left watching the baby suffer.  It is all just a bad situation.

I was able to take an aquatic class at the gym.  It was wonderful to stretch my body with the weightlessness of the water.  I was able to participate in over half of the hour long class without taking a break.  I came away very proud of myself.  The exercises were changed up a little for me so that I could participate more.  The right side of my body has become so weak as well as very painful.  The doctors sort of know what is happening but they don't know why and can't seem to help me much either.

M.I.A.

So, I have been missing in action for a couple of weeks.  One week was filled with a camping trip that I never want to repeat.  It was a bdsm event with some good classes but the overall time there was unpleasant to say the least.
I am struggling with my right arm.  Every movement causes more pain.  That makes typing anything a challenge.
Still working at being thankful and looking for the positive in every situation.  Taking one day at a time and making the best of it.

Continuing Thankfulness

Life is hard.  Time is a crazy thing that is usually too fast or too slow.  Rarely is there enough money.  Too often things don't go as planned.  Often our best still doesn't seem good enough.  Damn, what is there left that is positive in our world?
For me, all of these statements are pretty true.  What is there that is still worth getting up for?  This is the reality that so many of us face.  It isn't a pessimist attitude, it is reality.  So how do you stay sane in the insanity?  How do you put on a smile and face another day?
At this moment for me personally, it is so much about practicing thankfulness.  In that I also hold onto hope.  I do not like some aspects of my life at this moment.  There are quite a few things that I wish were different.  At the moment, they are unchangeable things.  I am not willing to put my energy into the negative emotions that attach themselves to those things.
It is not easy.  It is difficult to force my brain and emotions away from the negative side.  Sometimes I have torn my world down to the simple fact that I am thankful that I have air to breathe.  Instead of being upset that I have to go to that very basic need to be thankful for, I build on that small thing.
Redirecting my thoughts isn't easy and it does not happen over night.  For me, it is worth the effort.

being disabled

How many would consider taking a person out of their wheelchair to put them over your knee for a spanking?  The truth is, not many.  As a woman who is disabled, I can tell you that I am more often than not, overlooked.  People have a way of trying not to see me.  Even simply when walking on  the street.  Because of a wheelchair and even with my cane, I have gained the magical power of becoming invisible.
Today, I am struggling with the fact that I am disabled.  It has been a rough week for me physically and I had a seizure in public during an outdoor play.  That really put the disabled sign over my head in neon flashing lights.  I am differently abled.
Sadly, so much of society still sees one like me as someone to avoid.  I am frustrated by it all right now.  I am frustrated with my own body and the struggles I face.  I never imagined my life being like this.

Energy

I have not really thought about this before.  Giving positive or negative attention to something is still a form of energy.  Regardless of my response, if I have a response, I am using energy.  These days, sometimes, there just is not enough energy to face the day.  I never really thought about my negative responses also draining energy from me.  I guess the alternative would be having no response at all.  Withholding my energy from a situation completely. 

Is that possible?  Is ignoring it, withholding energy?  Something to think about.

Mickey's Birthday Paddle

Yesterday was Mickey's birthday.  For three days she has been receiving Seattle Seahawk related presents.  She is a fan, big time!  She has a good size collection of Seahawk memorabilia .  It is a lot of fun to see her reaction to something new that is all about that foorball team or the *12's*
I also made her a wooden paddle.  I have not worked painting on wood in a very long time and did not trust my skills.  That just means that I kept it simple.  On one side in large letters it says : Daddie.  I borrowed a saying from one of Miss Jenn's paddles and wrote it on the handle of this new one.  It says, *Girls who tease go over knees.*  The backside of the paddle is where I wrote, *Daddie's little helper.  Very simple.  I didn't have the right stuff to make a drawing and transfer it on there to paint it, so I just did all the lettering free hand.  It is difficult for me because I never know when my hands are going to start to shake.  The spanking part of the paddle is sort of star shaped and probably 6x6 and then the handle is a nice size.  She loved it and was surprised that I actually made it.  Making it and keeping it a surprise is always a challenge.  I have to work when she is asleep and hope that I have all the materials I need.
She has wanted me to get back into painting for quite some time.  She has a dream of me painting a mural on one of the walls in our home.  At this point, I don't think I am physically capable of this on my own.  I think she understands that also.  Instead, she is making sure that I have plenty of coloring supplies, crayons, markers, colored pencils and so many adult coloring books.  It is a hobby that I enjoy a lot.
Coloring now is also a tool I am using to deal with stress and pain.  Whether I am coloring something for a specific artist/illustrator or just for my own enjoyment, I find that I focus in and the pressures of the moment start fading to the background.  Whoever thought that what has been seen so long as a childhood past-time could become a tool to deal with chronic pain?  There are literally now 100s of coloring books and coloring book artists out there.  I have been introduced to so many of them and their work.  Most of them are so generous with their time and teaching me some new techniques also.

Tough Time...

I have not wanted to write anything at all.  My mood is very low and quiet.  Finding my *happy-place* just doesn't seem possible right now.  When in a place like this it is hard to reach into myself and pull myself up, but I am trying.  I am trying to accept the reality of my life as it is at this moment.  I do not want it to be the way it is.  I sure can't seem to change it either.  It is hard.  Facing each day is a struggle.  I know I have the skills to get myself through this.  Man, I wish it was easier!

Nothing Really

There is nothing really on my mind.  Our home life right now is stressful.  One of our sons has been staying with us for a few weeks.  His wife and son are here as well.  They are homeless at the moment.  He and his little sister do not get along and he is making her life miserable.  We have given them until the 27th to be out. He is not working.  She starts at a fast-food place later this week.  The addition of the three of them has sent stress through the roof for all of the rest of us.
Mickey has not been paid any of her overtime pay in months.  From at least March, she is owed this pay.  They keep giving her the run-around and she keeps getting angrier at them.  The man down the road is still as nosy as hell.  He tries to be all up in our business.  I want to scream!
My pain levels are staying pretty high.  Stress tends to do that.  My bones are changing and using my body is a challenge most days.  Some days, I can just accept that this is how it is.  Other days, I get very frustrated.  Needing help to simply cut my meal into bite sized pieces, doesn't sit very well with me.  Typing, writing and even coloring take a toll on my body.  Argg!  It is maddening sometimes!
Still, I know that I must do all I can to keep a good attitude.  I have to practice thankfulness.  I have to look at the glass as half full.  For me it is more than survival at stake.  It is also so much about finding even the smallest things to be happy about.  It is about fighting for my sanity as well as my quality of life.  With a bad or depressed attitude, I believe I would become very miserable.  That is something that I never want to allow to happen.  I believe that life is good.  There is good here and I am thankful for that!

Ocean

This is a picture of my favorite place to be in the world.  It doesn't have to be the ocean.  It can be a lake, a waterfall or a stream.  It is the movement and sound of the water that draws me.  I am captivated by the power it has over me and the calmness it brings to me.
Quite a long time ago I was on a pier in San Diego.  It was storming and the ocean was in an uproar.  The waves were crashing against the pier.  I had no business being there during that time.  The thing is though, I could not pull myself away from the sight, sound and feel of it all.  It grabs a hold of me and takes me somewhere else.  I don't know how to explain it.  I simply love the way it makes me feel.

Violence in the World

Today, I have been forcing my mind to move away from dwelling on the tragedies that are happening in our Country and world.  Thankfully no violence is actually touching my life personally.  So, why then, is my heart still breaking?  I am appalled  by the violence that is taking place.  I don't understand it.  I certainly do not condone it.  I do not see violence as the answer to anything.  I can't say that I believe totally in an eye for an eye.
I understand anger.  I understand wanting to kill someone else.  If a family member was harmed intentionally, I cannot say that I wouldn't see red and want to retaliate.  Left unchecked, I know I am capable of acting on those thoughts.  I know I would not hesitate to shoot an intruder into my home.  I know that I am capable of murder.
In the *heat* of emotion, I know that I am capable of almost anything.  So where is the line between myself and someone else who is angry and takes a gun killing any representation of their anger focus?  What makes me any different?
I am not sure.  That is a scary thought.  Maybe I haven't been pushed to that point.  Maybe I have never felt that much hate.

Foot in Mouth

Ever have this experience?  Wishing you could turn back time and take back the words you just uttered?  Sometimes it is because we realize that we just said something that really hurts someone else's feelings.  Sometimes it is just because we hear it and realize how stupid it sounds!
Take a moment, take a breath.  Try to stop and think before you speak.

Miss Jenn

I have said a few times that Miss Jenn is my Disciplinarian.  I have the pleasure of working with her not only on my own issues but also as a second bottom in some of the sessions.  This is a woman who truly cares about the clients that she sees.  She delights in her art-work.  Taking an unmarked bottom and coloring it with the shades of red that please her most at that moment.
I have been spanked by many Women over the years.  She is the only professional disciplinarian I have ever seen.  I cannot compare her to any other professional disciplinarian.  I can compare her to the Tops, Dommes, Mistresses and professional Dominatrices that have spanked me.  Each of them were friends at the time and all of them enjoyed spanking.  Miss Jenn  definitely measures up to them and surpasses some!
When I met Miss Jenn for the first time, I was literally shaking from nerves.  For the first time ever, she was someone that I didn't know ahead of time.  I had no idea of her style and very little idea of her personality.  I had chosen not to just meet with her first and set a time for a spanking later.  For each of us, we were going into this without ever seeing the other's face.  There had been a short phone call and a couple of emails in the way of introduction and contact.
I felt so vulnerable.  It is very different going over the knee of someone you know and have seen spanking others.  Taking that step to go ahead with the spanking felt like jumping into the deep end of the pool and not being confident in my swimming skills.  Miss Jenn knows and understands this about the new people she sees.  She just has a way with others, the know-how to put them at ease with her.
For those of you who have been thinking about scheduling a session with her, I encourage you to just do it.  She knows her stuff, she knows people and she certainly knows spanking!

Judas

What an incredible evening!  We went and saw the play, Judas Iscariot.  Talk about profound!  It was about Judas in purgatory and having a criminal trial.  The theater was small and intimate.  At times, the actors were inches away from me.
This play is unlike any I have ever seen.  It had the ability to take me on an emotional roller coaster ride.  It is loosely historically based on the Bible.  It is also brought right into modern times and oh so relevant.  It made me laugh.  It made me cry.  It made me stop and think, reflecting on my own life and beliefs.
For me it called on a search of myself and what I believe about judgment as well as forgiveness.  It took a look at the depths that despair can take a soul.  As *deep* as all of that sounds, this play had me laughing hysterically.  I was not alone in this.  The audience was masterfully brought into the experience.  As an audience, we willingly participated.
It was a night out with friends that was enjoyable from beginning to end!

Pain & Judgment

After a couple of days of things going better than normal physically, I am having a rough day today.  The pain is over the top.  A part of me would like to curl up and try to sleep past the pain.  Until I started experiencing pain all the time, I never realized just how exhausting physical pain is.  It has a way of absolutely draining strength.
When I am physically drained it can be difficult for me to motivate myself to do anything.  I also have noticed that I have to work hard on my attitude.  Pain can trigger a short temper.  I am very careful with my responses.  Also, I often check with others about how I am coming across to them.  I am not an angry type person.  At the same time, I know that the pain on my face can be misinterpreted as anger.  As it is, my silence is often misjudged by others and that frustrates me at times.  I don't want the pain that I cannot hide to also be misinterpreted.
We each have out own unique challenges and struggles.  No one is immune.  It seems to be far too easy to judge others simply on outward appearance.  Whether we like it or not, our society is one of judgment.  Sometimes all people see is the outside.  I have been labeled a bitch so many times.  It has been completely based on my frequent silences.  I have been accused of thinking myself somehow better than others, simply because I am quiet.  I wonder sometimes what that says about the person who judges me that way.  What is going on in their life that makes them see my quietness as a negative type judgment?
Where is the line between hiding my pain and explaining myself?  I think for me it is determined by the relationship that I have with the other person.  If I value the relationship, I am more open to explaining myself.  I am more open then to even admitting that I am in pain.  I do have a tendency to try and hide the physical pain I am experiencing, even with those closest to me.  Some of it is pride.  Some of it is not wanting pity.  Some of it is not wanting to complain.  I think all of it is trying to just put my best foot forward at all times.

Stressful times and Good Friends

I went and saw the movie The secret lives of pets, today.  Parts of it had me laughing like crazy.  Spending time with a couple of friends while there just added to the fun.  I saw the personalities of some of my pets both past and present in this movie.  It brought up some great memories.
Doing something like this just makes all the stress slide to the back.  I was able to relax, laugh and totally forget about any and all of the stresses in my life.  It is so important to find things like this that you can do to counter those stressful times.  For me it is a breath of fresh air that is so needed and welcomed.
Yesterday, I also had the same sort of experience.  I was able to spend time with Miss Jenn.  We did some spanking, made a few videos, got caught up on what has been going on in our lives and laughed and laughed.  It is awesome to have someone in your life that you can totally be yourself with.  I am blessed to have many friends like that.  Time spent with them is very precious.
Miss Jenn is also my disciplinarian and Momma Jenn in ageplay.  When she points and says, *take your jeans off*, there is no hesitation.  We are good friends and have a many faceted relationship.  There is never a dull moment for sure.  It is easy for me to go from being her submissive to being her friend.  There is an easy flow between us that we each nurture.
Mickey is my Dominant and my life partner.  With her, I can be myself, the good, bad and the ugly.  She accepts where I am, encourages me, and loves me through it all.  I do the same for her.  She is my best friend!  This relationship didn't just appear, we have worked hard at it over the years and it has been worth every giggle and tear.
Friendship doesn't just happen.  Like so many things, it must be worked at, fed and nurtured.  Having a close friend or two is worth the time and effort.  The blessings and joy it brings is something that money could never buy.  Being able to turn to a friend during stressful times is a great gift.  I encourage you to nurture your friendships.  I don't think you will be disappointed.

Sliver of Light

I enjoy reading most things from Jeff Brown.  He encourages people to care for one another as well as themselves.  Society today has become one of isolation in a lot of ways, in my opinion.
When I am deeply stressed or hurting, I tend to go inward.  So many of us were taught that we have to be strong.  Being strong doesn't necessarily mean going it alone.  Being strong doesn't mean pretending there is nothing wrong, either.  Sometimes, being strong is reaching out and saying, *I can't do this anymore*, and allowing the other person to reach back and stand with you.

Land of the Free, Home of the Brave

I wish that I lived in a world where love was enough.  A world where all lives matter.  A world that didn't judge by skin color.  I wish I lived in a world where the actions of one was not automatically tied to an entire group.
From the race conflicts in the 60s, I would think that we would have grown up by now, but we haven't.  My father was a racist.  His views were very hard to swallow.  At a very young age, all I saw were people.  Men and women.  I judged them on the evil that I did or didn't see in them.  My judgment was through the actions I saw.  I didn't buy into my father's hate.
So many people now seem to want a reason to hate.  Whether it is gender, sexuality, race, religion, occupation.... they want some reason to fight, harm, degrade, ridicule and yes, murder.  To say that this saddens me doesn't even come close to expressing the deep sadness that I feel.
We live in a world of terrorism.  We live in a country that sadly also terrorizes those who are different or get classed in some group.  The threat of terror attacks from other hate groups from other nations, is real.  Right now I feel like those groups can just sit back and watch us destroy one another out of hate and prejudice.
I am not looking for paradise, just peace.  Living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, it would be nice to actually see that freedom for all.  It would be wonderful to see bravery in action.  Standing up for what you believe in, is bravery.  Acknowledging the differences between yourself and others is also bravery.  Allowing others to be different is freedom in action.
America is bound in chains.  Chains of our own making.  Chains hardened by hate and prejudices.  Only love and acceptance can break those chains.  Violence is never the answer.

Perception

I like optical illusion type things.  The colors in this one make me smile.  There is so much that can be done with colors and shapes.  I have been doing a lot of coloring lately and came across this picture.  I really like the way it appears to move.
I am reminded that some things in life look like they are going a certain way and then at closer inspection, things seem to have shifted.  We don't even always know why they have shifted.  We don't even always understand how or why they did, we just know that something changed.
The perception from which we look at things can be altered by so many other forces.  In the picture it is from color and shape.  In our lives, it can be emotions, other people, and so many other things.  I believe it is okay to change our perception and to allow it to be altered.  So few of the things in our life are written in stone.  Fewer still can be only seen from one view point.  There are so many different aspects to the things in our lives.

Need for Approval

I have been thinking about something today.  Over my life time, I have struggled with the issue of needing approval from others.  As I have gotten older, the *need* for this has changed.  As a child, teen and young adult, it was pretty huge in my life.  The desire to be accepted was a driving factor in my life for a long time.
It is hard to remember when I finally felt the freedom to just be myself.  Up until then, who I was changed somewhat with each person or group I was involved with.  The motivation behind it all was just the need to be accepted.
I never felt that I was good enough.  There was no feeling that I actually belonged.  I had a few friends, but no real close friends.  My life was filled with a lot of secrecy because of all the abuses at home.  I think because of this, who I was, wasn't ever exposed let alone seen by others.
I was rejected by the mother I grew up with, right from the start.  I knew early on that she didn't like me or want me.  At such a young age, I started searching for a mother figure that would simply just accept me.
Now in my life, I accept myself.  That truth is what I believe has stopped that huge need for acceptance from others.  I am not perfect.  I accept my flaws and weaknesses.  I understand that I am just me.  All I can ever be is *me*, and that is okay.

For laughs!

Sometimes in life there comes a point where ya just have had enough.  It might be an ex or a family member that has just pushed too far.  We simply *don't care* anymore.

I thought this picture expresses that wonderfully!

Made me laugh, hopefully it put a smile on yours as well.

This Idiot!

This *idiot* is a neighbor man.  Basically, he stalks us.  Today, a different neighbor pulled Mickey aside to ask her if she knew that this idiot was coming into our backyard AND taking pictures!  He doesn't like Mickey at all.  She has never been unkind to him.  He seems to have a problem with lesbians.  Well, at least those that look butch anyway.
This man is an agent of our landlord.  He has violated our rights and caused numerous violations of our lease.  This last tidbit of information was the last straw for me.  My response was that if I ever see him in my completely fenced off backyard, I will shoot him!  I am livid.
I have asked Mickey if she thinks we can get a restraining order against him.  We sure would like to.  He walks onto our property anytime he wants to, even after being told to stay away.  He makes all of us very uncomfortable.  I do not feel very *safe*.  Our daughter is intimidated by him.  He makes things pretty miserable.
If I had seen him today, I know I would have gone off.  With my luck I would have seen red and said things I really shouldn't.... like, that I will shoot him.

Happy 4th of July!

A day to celebrate the things we love best about America.  Freedom!

This is a page that I did for the 4th of July.  Hope everyone has an awesome day filled with the very best.  It doesn't matter if you spend the day alone or with friends - just make it your own!  Hell, it doesn't even matter if you live in the USA.  It is still the fourth day of July, and any day can be a good day.  Celebrate the freedoms you do have.  Remember those who went to fight and died for those freedoms.  Spread some joy and happiness.  Love yourself and those around you.  Make the day, yours!

Thankful For Spanking

In my life I have a partner who is also my Dominant/Daddie and Top.  I  have a Disciplinarian also, who sometimes interacts with me from the point of view of a parent.  Two women in my life who care very much about me.  Both of them enjoy spanking me.  I enjoy being spanked.
I am given the freedom to age-play pretty much whenever I want to.  Both of them slip into the parental role very easily.  They keep me safe.  They allow me to exist in whatever head space I am in.

In this time of huge stress and so many things going wrong in my life, I have been practicing being thankful.  I know that some people really would love to find a spanking partner and I have been blessed with 2!  I live within a set of rules and have come to enjoy it.  With the two of them, I know what to expect and that is reassuring to me.
I am blessed in that I do not have to keep secrets.  There is nothing that my partner does not know about me.  Many spankos do not have even one person they can be themselves with.  I am totally *out* when it comes to my love of spanking.  Those that know me, know about it.  Far too many do not have this freedom.
I am so thankful that spanking works with me the way that it does.  It draws me closer to my partner.  Spanking centers me again.  Spanking can be a huge stress reliever.  For me it is also a form of affection.  That would sound very strange to a non-spanko.  It sure doesn't have anything to do with hitting.  It has everything to do with an intimate connection.

Magic

In the Worst of Times...

Practicing my own words of advice.  Finding things to be thankful for regardless how small.  Thankful that my eyes allow me to see this page.  Thankful that I know how to read and write.  My math skills suck, but that is a different list, lol!  Thankful that my body functions without the use of machines.  Thankful that I have a wheelchair for when my legs won't carry me any further.  Thankful for pain meds that give me relief.  Thankful that there is a roof over my head to protect me from what nature dishes out.  Thankful that there is food in the kitchen and even food that I like.  Thankful that I was able to have the last shot from my favorite bottle of whiskey, Jameson, and don't judge me.  Thankful that my granddaughter will try almost anything once and that the dentist was able to cut the tiny lego piece off her tooth without damaging it!  Thankful that I am a grandma even if I became one before I even turned 40!
Even in the worst of times, there is always something to be thankful for.

Old People

*Grin*  That is so the truth!  I think that when you are 20, you can't even really imagine being 40.  We spend the earlier years of our lives wanting to grow up and the later years wanting to slow time down.  Until my body started really breaking down, I didn't think much about getting older.  Now, I have those days where I feel like I am 90.  I look at others who can move much freer than I can, especially those who are obviously older than I am, and I wonder how old they feel?
Most days, if I were asked, I would say that I feel about 27.  Not in my physical body, obviously, but in my thinking and acting.  If I am age-playing, then I am 7.  Those two numbers added together are still younger than I actually am!
I began getting a lot of gray hair when I turned 30 years old.  Up until then, I thought people with gray hair were old.  Funny how experiencing the same thing can effect your thinking on a subject.  The 20 somethings see us as old.  Our age may be up there in numbers, but *old* is much more about how we experience our life and not the number of our age.

Expressing Myself

A journey from the heart began as a book of poetry.  There was a time that I dug deep within myself to express what I couldn't seem to express in any other way.  Today, I have many more ways to express myself.  I have discovered so many different avenues for stress relief.  I have learned to be honest with myself and others about my feelings.  It took me time.  Having grown up in secrecy, it was difficult to tell anyone what I had been experiencing.  I learned to speak in codes and in rhyme.
Having more avenues to express myself feels like a huge gift.

A Survivor

This page is free for anyone to download and color.  An artist that I work with did it for me as a special request.
All of us are a survivor of something.  In your life it may not be abuse, rape, cancer, domestic violence, or something else along those lines.  We all have survived childhood.  When you stop and think about it, we are faced with challenges all the time.  Life is not always easy, for sure.  We have things to learn and things to do.  We are strong enough, we are survivors!

Keep Calm

Slow, meaningful swats applied to the bare bottom.  Giving time for each one to be felt before the next one is given.  Sometimes, this calm methodical type spanking can hit home more effectively than an all out, fast flurry of swats.
The fast and furious can and often does overwhelm the senses.  As a bottom myself, the fast volley of swats takes me to a place where I feel like I am hanging on and waiting for my body to catch up with the stinging pain.  Those are the times that I am often holding my breath and trying to just ride it out until it is over.
When the spanking is given slowly, my whole body responds differently.  The slower way can be anything from pleasure to punishment.  It can offer a slow increase in endorphins as the heat builds gradually.  It also can allow for the sting to be fully felt, like in a slow paddling.
My top may be upset with me over something but anger is never a part of the spanking.  Anger in my opinion should never play a role in any spanking or punishment.  Neither should real fear.  There has to be trust.
So, keep calm and spank on!

Just stuff

I see a new doctor in the morning and start all over again with my health care.  This new doctor use to be Mickey's doctor and knows a little about me.  Although her case load was full, she decided she wanted me.  Wanted the challenge, I guess.  She does know some about my physical history and the problems I face.  I hope this is a good new start.
The military doctors became a complete farce.  How one doctor can throw out all the diagnosis from others is beyond me.  But, that is what happened to me.  Veterans far too often are treated like shit.  I had been very fortunate up until this last doctor.  I couldn't really understand all the complaints from others because my experiences were all good.  Sadly, I had to learn first hand just how bad it can get.

On top of everything, now Mickey needs surgery again as well.  She has been in horrible pain with her hip for months now.  We know why and the only answer is surgery.  I want her to have the surgery.  I know that it will mean hardship for us at first.  I do think the surgery is for the best and I want the best for her.

I am hoping that everything that can go wrong with us already has.  I am hoping that better days are just ahead waiting for us.

The days are difficult

I do wish that there was something to write about right now that wasn't stress related.  A part of me just wants to spill everything to this page for your eyes.  What we are going through as a family right now is the hardest most stressful time we have ever experienced.  Mickey and I are hanging onto one another and encouraging each other as best we can.
How do others deal with stress?  How do you deal with what seems like horrible things that come into your life?  How do you deal with the bad things that come one after the other after the other?

I am not normally a person who complains.  Not about the physical pain that is always with me.  Not about finances that are there or not there.  Not even about the every day sort of problems that arise from time to time.  I am pretty good at catching myself if complaints start and then shutting myself down.  I really do not believe that complaining solves anything.
For those of you reading this, I want you to know that since my fathers death, quite a few more, life altering things have happened in our lives.  Pray for us please.  Send good energy and positive thoughts our way if you can.
We really would appreciate it.

Stress

Stress.  At the moment, stress is the food of every day.  Each moment is weighed down with it.  Seems that at every turn we find more stress just waiting for us.  I wish that it would stop.  It seems that stress has a mind of it's own.  It is a living breathing being of some sort that can never be killed.
It is time for something else to feed this life of mine.

The soul loves....

Where is the Justice?

Ya know, I was having an okay type evening and playing a game on facebook that I enjoy.  Then I went searching for something and *this* comes up on my facebook page:
http://www.watchthis.com/story/lifestyle/2016/06/15/california-father-rapes-and-murders-newborn-daughter?fb=wt

A 30 year old man raped and killed his 3 week old daughter while his wife was at work.  He pleaded guilty and made a deal and ended up only being sentenced to 50 years!  Where in the hell is the justice in that??  The baby was 19 days old.  Calling this *wrong* doesn't even come close to describing what this is!
What is wrong with our world?  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I have always asked the questions why? and how?  Why does a man look at a baby/child and think that is a good sexual partner?  How can a man look at a child/baby and still tell himself that it is ok to have sex with them?
That isn't just sick, it is evil!
I have said here that I was fully raped the first time when I was only 7 years old.  What I haven't really said is that I was used sexually way before the age of 7.  My earliest memory of sexual abuse is from when I was just 18 months old!
These men split our mouths open, split our bodies open, carve wounds into our souls and most get away with it.  This time they caught the person..... and he got 50 years?  Where is the justice in that?

My Opinion

Sometimes people do things that to me seem like a form of manipulation.  Like, you know they are upset with you and you ask them to please share their thoughts and feelings and they tell you that they need more time first.  I guess there are times where this might be valid.  But in a D/s relationship?  Is it ever okay to tell your Top that you won't share your thoughts and feelings when directly asked to?  That idea just doesn't sit very well with me.
I have said that I need a few minutes to pull myself together a little, and then shared what I was feeling.  But, ignoring the Top?  Deliberately putting off the discussion?  I really don't think it is a good idea.  Maybe it is just me.
Are we ever suppose to withhold ourselves from our Top?  In the case I stated here, I think the bottom is in a way trying to also punish the Top.  Manipulate and punish...not good.  Maybe it is just this person's way of sorting through feelings and even stepping back to look at the relationship.  I still think it is wrong.  Just my opinion.

Getting Away

Spent a few days in Seattle.  It was time to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet.  It was a time of recharging and destressing.  Mickey and I needed it so much.  Last night we walked around the Seattle Center and the space needle at sunset.  Talk about gorgeous.  There wasn't many people out.  It was dry and on the cool side.
I do like how sometimes just getting out of your day to day environment can help give a new perspective on things.  I came home ready to face the chaos that is our life right now.  At the moment I can see an end in sight.  Soon, hopefully, we will have our home back the way that we like it.

You deserve a Spanking

This is one of the things that |I do enjoy about living in a D/s household.  Of course there is always the playful bratting now and again.  There is also, the reward spankings.  Spankings given simply for pleasure.  Not a punishment or correction.  Not a maintenance or reminder.  Just a sweet reward given for pleasure.
Playful bratting and being spanked for it is a lot of fun.  That slap against my bottom as I walk past her, always brings a grin.  But, when she tells me that I have been so good and will get a good girl spanking, my heart just sings.  I know it will be on the bare, it always is.  I know my backside will end up red and so wonderfully warm.  I will know without looking that there is a smile on her face too.  It is a fun time.  It is often a very intimate time as well.
When I was brought into the bdsm lifestyle, one of the things that I was told was to ask for a spanking rather than trying to force one to happen.  I was told to simply, ask.  The bratting was unwelcome and unwanted.  My need to be spanked was understood and taken into consideration.  At the same time, I was taught that with this person, spanking was more of a reward.  At first, it seemed so wrong to me to ask.  Wasn't there suppose to be a situation or event that calls for a spanking?  Something like, doing A + B = C?  Nope, in that relationship, it was that I was to state that I was feeling the need to be spanked.  When it could be done, it was.
I have carried some of this early training over into my relationship with Mickey as well.  I still play around her and push those buttons that I know will likely lead to a spanking.  I also simply just ask.  Hearing her say too that she thinks it is time for a good girl spanking, is oh so wonderful!

Stand in Love

50 people were killed.  Beyond that, nothing matters.  It is not 50 gay people, 50 people of Hispanic decent, 50 lesbians, 50 bi-sexual people.  It is simply 50 people!
This recent attack, breaks my heart.  The fact that love is met with such hate is far beyond my comprehension.  Tragically, I have seen things online where others are saying they deserved to die.  When did being alive become a crime?  At what point did loving someone come with a death sentence?
When our souls open up in love to another person, it is the purest deepest sort of love there is.  Our hearts choose who we love.  When that choice has come from deep inside, love does not care what gender, race, or religion is involved.  It only sees through love.
It has been said that all it takes for evil to thrive is for good to do nothing.  I also say that all it takes for hate to grow is for love to do nothing!
Stand in love.  Put love out into our world.  Begin where you are and let it flow from you.

Tomorrow is another chance.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that as difficult as today is, tomorrow is an opportunity to try again.  Failure comes when we decide to just quit.  It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters how many times we get back up!
At the moment, my life is hard.  The struggles and stresses are not letting up.  It does take energy and courage to keep going.  As long as I am trying, I am still fighting for a solution.  My calm has been completely shattered in my home.  It feels right now like it will never end.  The feeling of being completely out of control in my own home is pushing insanity closer to me.  The solution is that all these extra people move out..... If only it were that simple.

Sounding Off

At the moment, this life that I am living is filled with stresses that I wish were not there.  Daily I am faced with things that seem impossible to work through.  I feel like I have reached my breaking point.  None of it is pleasant.  There doesn't seem to be much in the way of solutions. It is hard!
Being a parent is not always fun or pleasant.  Having adult children sure has not made life easier, at least not right now.  I am not sure what to do when they present more and more problems in our life.  They want our help and keep causing chaos, stress and misery for us.  They have a sense of entitlement that I cannot figure out where it came from.  I just want it all to end.
I am grounded enough to understand that life is not always easy or fair.  What do you do when 99% of the stress is coming from outside of the core unit?  At what point do you stand up and say enough!?  Where do you draw the line of not caring anymore?  How much abuse can one heart take?  How much disrespect is too much?  How much pain do you allow before you just leave?
My thoughts have gone to very dark places recently.  All of it has been done because of things that are being done to me right now.  The dark thoughts have come from not knowing any longer how to deal with the hell that is happening in my own home.  It doesn't feel like it is my home anymore.  It sure isn't my sanctuary anymore.  It is an impossible situation and with all of me, I want it to end.

Go Ahead and Knock!

I SO would love to have this sign for my front door!  We have a no soliciting sign but most seem to ignore it.

Not Weak

It doesn't matter how many times we are knocked down.  It matters that we get back up!

Knowing Me

Here online it is far too easy to think that you know someone because you follow them, read their blog, see them in a video, etc.  Knowing a person is something that takes time.  It takes developing a relationship and applying a commitment to that process.  Never will we truly know another completely.  My partner surprises me often with new things about herself.
If you want to know someone, take the time to develop a mutual friendship with that person.  Knowing another means that both people actually want to know one another.  Crazy thing about being online is it can lead to one person believing they have a relationship with someone else online who actually doesn't even know they exist.  Knowing a name, knowing their work, in no way means that you know that person.
Keep it real!  Develop real relationships with one another.  It is a beautiful dance done together, slowly and hopefully gracefully.

What Hurt You The Most?

I don't remember the name of the program that generated this message for me.  All I did was insert my first name one day last week and this is the comments/card that was generated for me.
As I read it I was a little stunned by the message because it seriously hit home with me.  Dealing with the death of my father who also was one of my abusers has really forced me to face some hard truths.
Growing up, even with the abuses and rage and alcoholism, I adored my father.  He was a lot of horrible things but I still was given those times of being Daddy's beloved little girl.  I was special to him for a lot of wrong reasons.  When I was young, I didn't understand that at all.  I defended him fiercely.  He was the parent who took care of me and showed me kindness.  He was also the monster of my nightmares.
This card that was generated seconds after I put in my name and no other information, hit my feelings on the nose.  In some ways it applies to both parents that I grew up with.  What I know is that I am a stronger person now.  I don't like what I had to go through but I know that all of it has contributed to the woman I am today.

Being Spanked

Tonight Mickey and I slipped away from the chaos in our home with all the extra people living with us.  We spent time reconnecting in quietness and included a spanking in that.  It helps us each so much.  Spanking brings different things to each of us, but they are needed and welcome in our lives.  A spanking connects us in a way that absolutely nothing else does.  It draws us closer.  It relieves stress.  It brings fulfillment to both of us.  In those few minutes it all about us.  Nothing else exists. It is her hand and my bottom and a connection unlike any other.
I think that unless you are somehow involved in the spanking world, you just can't understand.  For us, most of the time, it is a sharing of love.  It is in a different form and we both get pleasure from it.  I have never been spanked against my will.  There has never been a time that I have said *no* and a spanking was given any way.  My consent is always looked for and needed.  There is no abuse here.
As a bottom to Mickey and to Jenn, I am respected, always.  My limits are respected.  My permission is sought.  It is always, something I want and something they give.

In the Present

As a person with PTSD, this message is important to me.  I am often reminded of my past when I do not want to be.  I also use to have a lot of fear about having a flashback.  At times I felt bombarded by the pain from memories and the fear that it would strike me again at anytime.  Living like that can mean that the *right now* gets lost on me.  I have had times where I was so afraid that I would be triggered by something, that I wouldn't want to go anywhere.  I missed out on outings because of fear of what might happen.
The message really is about getting things into perspective.  We all have a past.  We all have painful memories.  If we are dwelling on them so much that we cannot enjoy the right now, we are missing out.  If we spend a lot of time worrying about what might happen, how can we enjoy what is happening at the moment?
The past is past and the future isn't here yet.  All we have is right now.

Breathe, Trust, Let Go

With all of the curve balls life throws at us, this is sometimes all we can do!  Even the best laid plans can go completely wrong.

Feeling Worthless

Most of us, I am sure, have days like this.  Feeling that our worth is buried somewhere deeply under the earth.  On our own scale of worthiness, we just don't measure up.  Feeling that I am not worth the time or attention of someone else, is something that has plagued me far too frequently.  The words, *you are worthless* were directed at me far more than *I love you* or any praise.
That feeling of worthlessness can hold me in place like cement.  The words of others do very little to break through that strong hold.  I don't even know what does break that hold.  Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from self-pity.  In those cases, I eventually come to my senses and kick myself in the ass.  I can and do tell myself to knock it off.
Sometimes the feeling of worthlessness comes from having made bad choices or from letting others down.  It seems to come out of a sense of, (or even real) failure on my part.  When my choices effect others negatively or in a bad way, worthlessness can jump in and grab a hold of me.  I am very capable of beating myself up far worse than anyone else could do.  I am my worst critic.  It can become so easy to dwell on all the failures, thus fueling the feelings of worthlessness.
There has to come a point where I stand up and tell myself, Enough!  Acknowledging my failures, taking ownership of them and moving forward to fix the problems or put them behind me.  We all make bad choices.  We all make choices that end up hurting others.  Just make amends and move forward.  Apologize if need be, take the steps to make things right if you can, and put it behind you.  Stop the pity parties with worthlessness.  Evict those feelings permanently!

Umm, Yeah

Lies and Deceit

Sometimes someone does something that makes us angry.  Sometimes, they do the same thing over and over again and our anger grows.  Each time it happens and we work through it, we hope it is the last time.  We hope that they will never do it again.  We hope for a new beginning.
This sure seems like the pattern you would see in an abusive relationship.  Where one person hits the other, apologies are made, bruises heal, hearts mend and the relationship holds together. Promises are made.  The *victim* hopes it is a new beginning and that it will never happen again. And, then it does and the cycle begins again.
There are some things that in my opinion should never be in a relationship.  Abuse is one of them.  No one deserves that.  Physical and emotional abuse are crimes.  I am sure that we all would agree with those statements.  What about secrecy and deceit?  Do those things belong in a relationship?  If secrecy and deceit become a pattern in a relationship, is that abuse?  I would guess that when those things are repeatedly in a relationship it is in no way a healthy relationship.  At least one person is always being harmed.
Being continually lied to breaks trust.  Lies destroy respect. When it becomes a pattern, it eats like a cancer at every part of the relationship.  Depending on what the lies actually are, they can also eat at and destroy many other things in the lives of the people.  Lies, deceit and secrecy, harms all involved.
All of my life I was lied to.  I was forced to live with the lies and the secrecy and it hurt me in so many ways.  Things were kept from me.  I joined in on the secrecy and kept the horrible secrets of what was really happening behind the scenes.  My life was a lie.  Dealing with the lies is hurting like hell at this moment.  I have every right to be angry.  Yet, I am not.  I am deeply hurting and the strikes of pain from deceit and lies are still landing on me.  I am not sure how to heal.

A time of age-play

A few days ago Miss Jenn and I got together for some age-play.  It is a time that we both enjoy.  It is not scripted in any way.  Often it is simply a time of being together in the roles of parent and child.  Both of us seem to very easily slip into those roles with one another.  It is a time that is not forced and just flows.
Rarely am I spanked when I am little Crie.  That part of me may be extremely stubborn and willful yet rarely is there a need for physical discipline.  The little me is eager to please her and wants her approval and praise.  Those times in age-play are more often filled with laughter and warmth.  It is a relaxing, nurturing, healing sort of time.
This time, I was spanked.  It was needed, not so much because of me acting out though.  It was needed more as a re-connection with her.  For me, even as a little, it is a form of love and caring.  With all that has been happening in my life over these past couple of months, I needed that spanking.  It was in no way severe.  It was not long or drawn out and it brought me to the place where I let go and cried.  My tears had absolutely nothing to do with the spanking itself.  The tears had everything to do with all the emotional turmoil I had been experiencing.  Over her lap is a place where I feel safe and protected.  It was a place that I needed to be to let go of the iron grip I had on my emotions and just let them be expressed.  I was safe enough to cry.
I am so fortunate that I have Mickey and Jenn that understand and provide that safe place for me.

Life

Life sure has a way of throwing curve balls continually at us.  It seems that it then becomes a hit or miss.  We think we have enough information to make the best possible choice for ourselves.  We make choices based on the info we do have.  Still, sometimes, it just isn't enough.
What do we do?  How do we take the next step?  I wonder sometimes where the next step even is.  The unpredictability can be maddening.
All I can say is that we need to own up to our mistakes and wrong choices and then do all we can do to make better ones with the new information.

Memorial Day

I am proud to be an American.  I believe that I live in the best country in the world.  Sure there are problems.  There are some things that I disagree with.  There are views and practices that I wish didn't exist.  But, I live in a place where freedom has been fought for and won.  I live in a place where disagreeing with my government and expressing my opinion is not a death sentence.
We all can easily find the bad and exploit it.  Crime is everywhere and seems to be rising.  Poverty and homelessness continues to grow.  So, how can I say that I love this place and that it is the best country in the world?
I remember watching the jets fly into the World Trade Center towers.  I remember that gut wrenching feeling that brought tears of disbelief and grief to my eyes.  I also remember the people rushing into harms way to help others.  I remember the lives lost.  I remember the sea of American flags that blanketed my city, my State and my Nation.  There were no strangers.  We were a Nation of friends and family who stood up and stood together when it mattered most.
When I stand as one who served with the military, I feel humbled by the attention and the gratitude of others.  I think that many Veterans feel this way.  We served where so many of our brothers and sisters sacrificed all.  We did jobs to the best of our ability.  Honoring the fallen is much more than a tradition.  It is an expression of so much that is great about our nation.  Honoring their sacrifice is not for them, it is for us, the living.  Remembering that freedom is not free.  It costs dearly and has been paid for with blood shed and lost lives.

Checking In

Writing has not been a priority lately.  I am still working my way through a lot of things.  I am learning that it is okay to give myself a break.  It is okay to simply exist for a little while.  In that quiet place, I can be safe and protected from all of the yuck for a little while.
It is not a forever state of being, just a survival one.
I have always been a believer of listening to my body and what it needs.  I am not always very good at that, but, I do try.  I believe that the quietness right now is as healing as it is protective.  I am not sitting around obsessing over things.  I am not really thinking about much.  I am simply quiet.

Spanking

The hand, the sting, the power, the surrender, the dance, the closeness, freedom.

Often, this is what spanking is like for me.  My mind often goes to a more innocent time where I am with a trusted care giver who loves me.  She loves me enough to also discipline me.

This is not an *always* thing.  It occurs more when I am highly stressed.  In my head, I often don't have to have done anything wrong that I am being disciplined for.  It is more about that more intimate closeness that sets my world more right again.

Just Kidding

Time heals all wounds

Ever wonder how true the old statement, time heals all wounds, really is?  With all the emotional things I have been going through lately, I have wondered about it.  What role does time have in healing?  Is it more than just distance from what ever caused the wound in the first place?  I have wondered if it is time that gives us time to process it, or even just time to mature in some circumstances.
With time, most physical wounds will heal.  I cannot heal myself.  I do not know how to heal a physical wound.  It is something that my body instinctively knows how to do and begins the process in most cases.  I do not have to tell my body to do it.  It knows it needs to and begins to try.
Those emotional wounds do not work in quite the same way.  Most of us do have a survival instinct and do try to protect ourselves from harm.  I don't think we set out to harm ourselves emotionally.  I do believe that we have to set out purposely to heal ourselves from emotional wounds.  I also know that this process does indeed take time.
The healing process is different for each of us.  It also can be very different for each wound inflicted.  My advice is to give it time and give it the necessary effort.  How long?  However long it takes!

Unsure

A journey from the heart... it began as a telling of my own personal story.  A memoir of sorts, years back.  It was only in the form of poetry for a long time.  I really never thought that anyone would want to read my memories.
Life has taken quite a few twists and turns since I first wrote out the words, *A journey from the heart.*  I write poetry a lot less now.  The creativity is there but the want-to is not.  At the moment, the want-to for a lot of things, is missing.  The stress in my life is pretty maxed out.  Survival mode has really kicked in.
The way I feel is understandable under the circumstances.  I am not sure what I need and even less sure of what I want.
I am more a creature of habit and change often throws me for a loop.  There are a lot of changes that I am dealing with.  I am surrounded by people and yet inside myself I feel very alone.  People have offered to help in any way that they can.  Help is there for me.  The problem is that I don't know what to tell them.  I do not know what is needed, except time.

Some won't like you.

Scars

I heard a quote today that stayed with me.  Scars only show us where we have been they do not dictate where we are going,  As a survivor, this means a lot to me.  As a person who has been going through hell these past few days, it also means a lot.
My parents actually found a way to reach back beyond the grave and again slap me in the face.  It isn't important anymore.  The pain is gone or buried so deep that I can't feel it anymore.  When I think of the two of them, I feel nothing.  I recognize that they were full of lies and deceit and probably didn't know how to be any other way.
My father's funeral was today.  I did not attend.  I also did not speak to any one from my family and I do not want to.  I want it all to go away.  I hurt, but not because he is gone.  I hurt because he existed.  I hurt because of what they did.  The blinders from childhood are gone.

Grief

My father passed away Sunday morning.  I have been in a fog.  A part of me has completely shut down.  I do not want to think or do anything.  I feel heavy, sluggish.  Mickey is actually dealing with as much of the legal stuff as she can which is a great help to me.  I would be lost without her.
Time will be the healer here I think.
There is a lot to deal with both emotionally and practically.  I am going through the motions at the moment.  Eventually I will feel more like myself again I am sure.  For now, nothing feels right or good.

Saying goodbye...

I spoke with my sister again today.  Our father is still declining.  I took the opportunity to say goodbye over the phone to him.  I feel it was sort of pushed on me and that I did it more for my little sister's sake and not my own.  Everyone will be surprised if he makes it through the weekend.
I still do not know how I feel and that has to be okay.  My head is filled with memories both good and bad.  They clash with one another in the vast differences.  There is no feeling attached to them.  It is more, just pictures that pop up in front of me.  I do realize that a part of me doesn't want to deal with any of this.
Even though it does feel like it at times, I have learned that my past is not all bad.  At the moment, I would rather not remember any of it.  It feels like it would be safer to just be numb.  I don't want to remember the good because it might mean that his passing will hurt more.  I do not want to feel grief or sorrow.  I don't want to go through that pain.  I also don't want to remember the bad.  I don't want to think of him like that.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.
As unrealistic as all of that is, it is where I am at.  I feel somewhat like a little girl lost.

A Friend

My Father

Ever since my sister called me night before last, I have been in a strange place in my mind.  She has been the care-giver to our dad these last few years.  He has been in hospice care for quite a few months now.  At the moment he has taken a turn for the worst and they don't know if he will recover.  I honestly do not have any idea how I feel.  I think a part of me just wants it to be over with.  I physically separated myself from all of them a very long time ago.  For the most part, I believe I am also emotionally unattached as well.  I have no intention of going back there, ever.  I will not be attending a funeral and I don't care if I receive anything from the estate.

Does this make me a horrible person?
Am I suppose to feel something?
Is it okay to just want this chapter in my life to come to a close?

My heart doesn't feel cold, it feels empty.  Is everything that I have felt for him in the past, just gone?  They are trying to keep him calm and as peaceful as possible.  His whole body is failing and he is gasping for air.  I don't wish a death like this on anyone, not even him.  I wish he would just go to sleep and not wake up.  I want it all brought to an end.  Is it that I want the end for him or for myself?  Maybe, it is both.