September 3rd

Today is my birthday.  We started celebrating on Thursday.  Our plan was to go to the Museum on Thursday.  We didn't make it.  Instead we ended up going treasure shopping.  Hitting a bunch of different stores and looking around.  I enjoy doing that a lot.  Yesterday we went to the fair.  Got rained on a couple of times but it was great.  Today, I will be spending some time with Mickey and Miss Jenn.
I really love elephants and received two gifts that are elephant related.  A pair of socks with elephants on them.  (I also have a sock collection).  Mickey also got me a crystal that has been engraved with an elephant inside.  It came with a stand that lights up and turns.  Both gifts are gorgeous!  Today and tomorrow two of the coloring books I wanted from my favorite artists are coming as well.  I am being just a little spoiled, lol!
There is still a surprise planned for me that I have no clue about.  I only know that it is planned and will happen this weekend sometime.  Of course there will be birthday spankings today as well.  Lucky me!

September 1st.

A new month.  My birthday month.  We are celebrating starting today with a trip to the museum.  I am excited.  Life has been so stressful.  Hopefully these next few days will be all about kicking back and just having some fun together.

The state fair opens tomorrow.  It is a place we love to go to.  There is so much to see and do.  Usually for my birthday we go to the rodeo.  It is almost always right around my birthday.  This year it has been postponed a week.  We are still going to go.  I love watching the rodeo.  The animals are beautiful.  It is fast, exciting and always unpredictable.  

Fast and unpredictable are some of what I like in a bdsm scene as well.  I like the feeling of not knowing exactly what is going to happen next.  That suspense tickles my senses in a wonderful way.  Add to that some bondage that I can't escape and I am in heaven.

So, here is to the start of my birthday week....I wonder if I can stretch it out to include the whole month?

Submission

So, I asked for help in a subject to write about today.  What I got was, why do I feel the connection I have with Mickey when She is completely in dominant mode?
For me, it has to do with feeling complete.  Mickey meets this other side in me.  Her confidence and strength shine through and beckon to me.  I meet them with my gift of submission and surrender.  Between us over the years our relationship has evolved.  Trust has been built.  Reliance on one another has been tested multiple times.  I have a need to submit to another woman.  Not just any woman.  There has to be this tug inside of me.  There has to be a relationship that continues to grow.
In this relationship, Mickey completes me.  Our strengths and weaknesses are intertwined.  She has taken the time to know me intimately on many levels.
I know that when I give my submission to her, she welcomes it with open arms.  It is something she treasures as well.  I complete her in a lot of the same ways.
Strong dominant confident women will always draw my attention.  It is the way I am wired.  That doesn't mean that I am the opposite.  Outside of that relationship I am strong and confident and in some situations, very dominant.  I am still just as strong, etc inside of that relationship as well.  It is a choice that I make to give my submission.
When Mickey or Miss Jenn are in that dominant headspace, my response is one of submission.  The relationships have developed enough that they accept and welcome that gift of submission as well.  I do not submit to just anyone.  As a submissive, I am strong and confident and still have a lot to give to the dominant in my life.

Water

This is paradise to me.  A quiet away sort of place with water.  Th waterfall is an extra bonus.  There is something about water that is so calming to me.  I can be siting near it or be in it and just feel so much better.  For me it is alive and life giving.  It shares it's energy with me..  It is there to give, to embrace, to encircle.  Floating on my back, all the stress floats away.

Just today

I have the house almost to myself right now.  Most of the family went to the air-show today.  I just have felt worn out today.  I was going to go at first even though I really didn't feel the *want-to*.  I know that once I do go, my body usually adjusts enough that I am somewhat comfortable.
Leaving the house and going out doing things is something I have done a lot lately.  Staying home doing nothing is almost always okay with me.  I have been pushing myself to just do it anyway and enjoying myself.  My birthday is in about a week.  Mickey is planning a lot of different outings for us.  I am excited about it.  At some point I am sure that I will struggle with the feelings of not wanting to go.  I seem to just be made that way.  I love what she is doing though.  I like the excitement I feel when I wonder about what exactly she is planning.
Being alone is something that I have always been comfortable with.  Doing nothing at all but sitting and listening or thinking is something I do often.  It has become more of a pain management thing now.  I do cherish these times alone and quiet just as much as those special times with family and friends.

Finding Ourselves

I like this saying.  In a life that can become very ordered and organized, sometimes getting lost is a great thing to have happen.  It is often those unexpected things that really show us who we are.  I have a difficult time with change.  I like knowing what to expect or what happens next.  When someone or something throws a wrench into that, I have been known to freak, lol!  But, it is those times that usually also help me find myself.  They have a way of uncovering or exposing my growth or lack of it in some areas.
Sometimes, for me, the getting lost part is me heading under headphones and listening to favorite music.  I get lost in the music.  It changes my attitude almost always.  Most of the time it sends me for pen and paper and I write.
Occasionally,  getting lost and finding myself happens when I color.  Coloring is so much more than a pass time of childhood.  Coloring brings a calmness.  Coloring works a lot like meditation for me.
I am sure we all have those times of seeking ourselves, needing answers, etc.  We each have different ways of accomplishing that as well.  Use what works for you.  Now, go get lost!

24 Hours Later

So, here I am after a few hours of raw emotion and new revelations.  I don't like times like that at all.  I don't like how I feel and I don't like that others see and are effected.  And I know that times like those are just another part of this thing we call life.
Mickey, my beloved Partner and so much more, has all along been doing her best in this situation we are in.  She has always tried to keep everyone safe and happy.
I am calmer.  I see things a little differently.  The only thing that I truly can change is myself.  I can walk forward with my family and do my best to bring peace in the stressful times.  I realized strangely enough that I was seeing Andy and his family, as one family and the rest of us as another family.  I was trying to protect my family and it showed in my actions and thoughts.  Crazy thinking on my part for sure.  We are one family.  That is all that matters.

Raw Feelings

There are a lot of negative type feelings in me right now.  Resentment, hatred, anger, frustration, depression, etc.  90% of it is over my living situation.  When I see Andrew or Stephanie, there is a coldness inside of me that is not nice.  How do I admit even to myself that I resent them being here?  They certainly do not do anything around here that helps.  Their noses are forever in their phones or in a game.  Their baby just screams for attention.  Andrew is the laziest person I have seen in a very long time.  He leaves all childcare to his wife.  She has to ask him to watch his son so she can use the bathroom!  It is ridiculous and so maddening!  What good or positive sort of things do they even contribute here?  I cannot think of one thing.
I am angry, so angry.  I don't know yet how to push that away from me and accept that this is the way things are for now.  Do I have a right to be angry?  It is not good to be treated so poorly in my own home.  I hate all of this!  I can't make things change and I cannot accept the way they are.  There is no fucking end in sight.  Every day that Mickey says nothing to them just hurts so much.  I am pretty sure that she just doesn't want to start any drama.  But, dammit, all they bring is drama and madness.  None of this is acceptable.  I have to leave my home to be somewhat sane...how fucking wrong is that?  This is suppose to be a sanctuary and it isn't.  I don't have a safe place anymore.  Nothing feels right or good.
Fighting is useless, it won't make anything better at all.  I am just stuck and just have to wait until someone else fixes or changes this hell I am living in.  I really dont think that anyone will.  I don't think anyone even cares that this is hell for me.

My House

So much chaos.  Home is crazy.  Adult children making things difficult.  Noise levels at least tripled.  Privacy is almost non-existent.  What do you do?  Where is the line between taking care of yourself and helping adult children?  Maybe if they were even a little grateful things would be easier.  This son is not grateful.  He simply believes it is his right to stay here for however how long he wishes or needs to.  He is difficult to live with.  He doesn't like me.  I am so very tired of all of this.  I want it to end.  My sanity needs it to end.  They are talking about 4 months more with us.  I am at my wits end.  This is my home and it doesn't feel like it is mine.  Most things that Mickey and I do are also planned around the other two's schedules etc.  She drives them back and forth to work.  We are being taken advantage of and I don't think Mickey even sees that fact.  I want them out of my house.
Our landlord wants them gone.  Mickey to my knowledge hasn't even told the kids this yet.  This idiot landlord tried to force his way into our house and shoved me.  The police were called.  One of the papers handed to us says that the kids have to move out of here.  They are not on the lease.  It has been over 2 months already.  It sure doesn't feel like my world is going to be anything close to normal any time soon.  I am frustrated and I am becoming resentful of the entire situation.

Time Flies...

Wow, being up all day and sleeping at night like most *normal* people, sure has made time get away from me!  I am trying to write every day.  I am called out of the house most days.  When I am at home, I am usually doing something with Mickey.  Even if it is just watching television, I don't feel comfortable turning the computer on as well.  I would rather write when I am alone.  Sometimes, it works well too if I just go under headphones and listen to music while writing.  For me, it is strange to do that with others in the room.  I do try and set an example for my family about what is polite and what might be seen as rude.  I realize that the restrictions on me about writing are self imposed.  It is still important to me though.
I want to lead by example when ever possible.

Bondage & Spanking

Last night I spent some time with Miss Jenn.  For the first time, she bound me to a table.  There is something about tight bondage with someone I completely trust, that makes me feel so safe.  There was no way that I was going anywhere.  My movement was completely limited and controlled by her.  As someone who is disabled, my movements are limited anyway.  Adding the element of bondage to what we are doing, just takes me higher.  I do go much more into the submissive head space.  Bondage has me completely engaged and it is no longer about what I can't do physically.  It becomes about what I can't do because she has made it that I cannot.  It is her will and not my own and I like it that way.
I enjoy being spanked.  It doesn't usually matter to me much about what brings me to the point of receiving the spanking.  There has been a lot of impromptu spankings, role-play ones and just because spankings.  All are great.  Last night, bondage took my weaknesses and threw them away for awhile.  I like that!

Catching Up

Home life is still crazy with another family living in our living-room.  One of our sons, his wife and 11 month old son.  It is chaotic, loud and stressful.  He and I do not get along very well.  I end up feeling like I am walking on eggshells most of the time.  I dislike the fact that he feels like he is entitled to this.  He runs Mickey ragged some days and is pissed off when she says no to him about taking him somewhere.  They don't have a vehicle.  At least they both have started new jobs.
Watching our son's very poor parenting skills up close and personal is extremely frustrating.  He is the type of person that you cannot tell anything to.  He is always right and his way is the only way.  So, we are left watching the baby suffer.  It is all just a bad situation.

I was able to take an aquatic class at the gym.  It was wonderful to stretch my body with the weightlessness of the water.  I was able to participate in over half of the hour long class without taking a break.  I came away very proud of myself.  The exercises were changed up a little for me so that I could participate more.  The right side of my body has become so weak as well as very painful.  The doctors sort of know what is happening but they don't know why and can't seem to help me much either.

M.I.A.

So, I have been missing in action for a couple of weeks.  One week was filled with a camping trip that I never want to repeat.  It was a bdsm event with some good classes but the overall time there was unpleasant to say the least.
I am struggling with my right arm.  Every movement causes more pain.  That makes typing anything a challenge.
Still working at being thankful and looking for the positive in every situation.  Taking one day at a time and making the best of it.

Continuing Thankfulness

Life is hard.  Time is a crazy thing that is usually too fast or too slow.  Rarely is there enough money.  Too often things don't go as planned.  Often our best still doesn't seem good enough.  Damn, what is there left that is positive in our world?
For me, all of these statements are pretty true.  What is there that is still worth getting up for?  This is the reality that so many of us face.  It isn't a pessimist attitude, it is reality.  So how do you stay sane in the insanity?  How do you put on a smile and face another day?
At this moment for me personally, it is so much about practicing thankfulness.  In that I also hold onto hope.  I do not like some aspects of my life at this moment.  There are quite a few things that I wish were different.  At the moment, they are unchangeable things.  I am not willing to put my energy into the negative emotions that attach themselves to those things.
It is not easy.  It is difficult to force my brain and emotions away from the negative side.  Sometimes I have torn my world down to the simple fact that I am thankful that I have air to breathe.  Instead of being upset that I have to go to that very basic need to be thankful for, I build on that small thing.
Redirecting my thoughts isn't easy and it does not happen over night.  For me, it is worth the effort.

being disabled

How many would consider taking a person out of their wheelchair to put them over your knee for a spanking?  The truth is, not many.  As a woman who is disabled, I can tell you that I am more often than not, overlooked.  People have a way of trying not to see me.  Even simply when walking on  the street.  Because of a wheelchair and even with my cane, I have gained the magical power of becoming invisible.
Today, I am struggling with the fact that I am disabled.  It has been a rough week for me physically and I had a seizure in public during an outdoor play.  That really put the disabled sign over my head in neon flashing lights.  I am differently abled.
Sadly, so much of society still sees one like me as someone to avoid.  I am frustrated by it all right now.  I am frustrated with my own body and the struggles I face.  I never imagined my life being like this.

Energy

I have not really thought about this before.  Giving positive or negative attention to something is still a form of energy.  Regardless of my response, if I have a response, I am using energy.  These days, sometimes, there just is not enough energy to face the day.  I never really thought about my negative responses also draining energy from me.  I guess the alternative would be having no response at all.  Withholding my energy from a situation completely. 

Is that possible?  Is ignoring it, withholding energy?  Something to think about.

Mickey's Birthday Paddle

Yesterday was Mickey's birthday.  For three days she has been receiving Seattle Seahawk related presents.  She is a fan, big time!  She has a good size collection of Seahawk memorabilia .  It is a lot of fun to see her reaction to something new that is all about that foorball team or the *12's*
I also made her a wooden paddle.  I have not worked painting on wood in a very long time and did not trust my skills.  That just means that I kept it simple.  On one side in large letters it says : Daddie.  I borrowed a saying from one of Miss Jenn's paddles and wrote it on the handle of this new one.  It says, *Girls who tease go over knees.*  The backside of the paddle is where I wrote, *Daddie's little helper.  Very simple.  I didn't have the right stuff to make a drawing and transfer it on there to paint it, so I just did all the lettering free hand.  It is difficult for me because I never know when my hands are going to start to shake.  The spanking part of the paddle is sort of star shaped and probably 6x6 and then the handle is a nice size.  She loved it and was surprised that I actually made it.  Making it and keeping it a surprise is always a challenge.  I have to work when she is asleep and hope that I have all the materials I need.
She has wanted me to get back into painting for quite some time.  She has a dream of me painting a mural on one of the walls in our home.  At this point, I don't think I am physically capable of this on my own.  I think she understands that also.  Instead, she is making sure that I have plenty of coloring supplies, crayons, markers, colored pencils and so many adult coloring books.  It is a hobby that I enjoy a lot.
Coloring now is also a tool I am using to deal with stress and pain.  Whether I am coloring something for a specific artist/illustrator or just for my own enjoyment, I find that I focus in and the pressures of the moment start fading to the background.  Whoever thought that what has been seen so long as a childhood past-time could become a tool to deal with chronic pain?  There are literally now 100s of coloring books and coloring book artists out there.  I have been introduced to so many of them and their work.  Most of them are so generous with their time and teaching me some new techniques also.

Tough Time...

I have not wanted to write anything at all.  My mood is very low and quiet.  Finding my *happy-place* just doesn't seem possible right now.  When in a place like this it is hard to reach into myself and pull myself up, but I am trying.  I am trying to accept the reality of my life as it is at this moment.  I do not want it to be the way it is.  I sure can't seem to change it either.  It is hard.  Facing each day is a struggle.  I know I have the skills to get myself through this.  Man, I wish it was easier!

Nothing Really

There is nothing really on my mind.  Our home life right now is stressful.  One of our sons has been staying with us for a few weeks.  His wife and son are here as well.  They are homeless at the moment.  He and his little sister do not get along and he is making her life miserable.  We have given them until the 27th to be out. He is not working.  She starts at a fast-food place later this week.  The addition of the three of them has sent stress through the roof for all of the rest of us.
Mickey has not been paid any of her overtime pay in months.  From at least March, she is owed this pay.  They keep giving her the run-around and she keeps getting angrier at them.  The man down the road is still as nosy as hell.  He tries to be all up in our business.  I want to scream!
My pain levels are staying pretty high.  Stress tends to do that.  My bones are changing and using my body is a challenge most days.  Some days, I can just accept that this is how it is.  Other days, I get very frustrated.  Needing help to simply cut my meal into bite sized pieces, doesn't sit very well with me.  Typing, writing and even coloring take a toll on my body.  Argg!  It is maddening sometimes!
Still, I know that I must do all I can to keep a good attitude.  I have to practice thankfulness.  I have to look at the glass as half full.  For me it is more than survival at stake.  It is also so much about finding even the smallest things to be happy about.  It is about fighting for my sanity as well as my quality of life.  With a bad or depressed attitude, I believe I would become very miserable.  That is something that I never want to allow to happen.  I believe that life is good.  There is good here and I am thankful for that!

Ocean

This is a picture of my favorite place to be in the world.  It doesn't have to be the ocean.  It can be a lake, a waterfall or a stream.  It is the movement and sound of the water that draws me.  I am captivated by the power it has over me and the calmness it brings to me.
Quite a long time ago I was on a pier in San Diego.  It was storming and the ocean was in an uproar.  The waves were crashing against the pier.  I had no business being there during that time.  The thing is though, I could not pull myself away from the sight, sound and feel of it all.  It grabs a hold of me and takes me somewhere else.  I don't know how to explain it.  I simply love the way it makes me feel.