I think that conflict is unavoidable. It is going to happen. The choice here is how I respond to the conflict. I may be conflicted over something I have to do (or need to do), that I just don't want to do. I may be in conflict with a person. Maybe having differing opinions on a subject.
For me, conflict is not comfortable. It is not a situation I want to be in. Especially if it involves someone else.
I am already facing some conflict inside myself over the boundaries around me. I remember something that I need to do and I feel that twinge rise in me that just says, I don't want to do it. So far, I am able to push that thought away and just go ahead and do what I am suppose to. I am so surprised that I feel that rising in me already.
I feel conflicted inside about doing the right thing. I am finding myself weighing the possible consequences and not liking any of them. Sheesh, I have even thought about just not telling the truth. I could sort of skirt the truth and might even get away with it. But... I also know me. I have never been comfortable lying and I am just not good at it. I think the guilt would really put me in conflict with myself!
Are some of us just wired to avoid conflict? I do know that some people handle it better than others. Conflict also can come in so many different ways and situations. Even just trying to make a decision can trigger conflict. Two friends want to do something on the same day with you, but you only have the time or energy to do one.
As we grow and mature as individuals we are faced with conflict at different stages in that growth. In the first psychosocial development stage, the conflict is trust versus mistrust. As children we learn early on whether or not we can trust the people in our lives. When a child learns that they can trust and depend on their caregivers they emerge through this stage of conflict with a sense of security and safety. Those who are not able to trust their caregivers likely will see not just the people around them, but the world, as unreliable.
Sexual abuse for me began in infancy. I was given away by my birth mother when I was around 4 months old and dropped in the lap of a woman who didn't want me. She also had no idea how to care for me. Nurturing was not a part of my life with either of these women. Talk about conflict right off the bat. A bio-mother, that I had to have had some sort of bond with. I mean after-all, I was alive and basically healthy. She physically cared for me and met those needs. I depended on her to be able to survive. Then, one day, she was no longer a part of my life. That child me learned very early on that the world was an unreliable place. I did learn mistrust.
The only reason I am mentioning this is that I believe that when we are faced with conflict, we draw from the early phases of development in how we face the conflict. That doesn't mean that we can't grow and learn later on in life. Right now I face conflict with keeping to the program I am in. I question myself about the consequences and the rewards. I also question myself over the issue of trust. Trusting them. Will they follow through? I think they will. I hope they will. Still, I am not exactly sure. I haven't been in a situation like this that has had an outcome that built trust. So many people have told me they were going to do something, enforce some consequence and they just didn't.
The next stage in that development is about independence. I sort of tossed the trust/mistrust stage away and jumped straight into independence. The, I can do it myself, stage. I am capable. I didn't want others helping me or even touching me. I learned to do things by myself for myself. The good thing in that, is the sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. Feeling capable. Stubbornness came from this and that is not always a bad thing at all. Stubbornness that is built on a foundation of mistrust, might not be so great.
So, in my conflict right now I am working toward building a base of trust. Trusting myself to do the right things. Trusting others to do what they say they will do. Showing them that I can do what has been agreed to. I feel pretty conflicted over all of it but am willing to put myself out there and learn a new way.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Turning Away
I will admit that I enjoy the idea of being in trouble. I like that thought in my head that says, no please don't spank me. The idea of real trouble, is not so pleasant. I do not want to actually be in trouble.
I was in real distress yesterday. When I saw my actions for what they really were, it was very troubling to me. I do not wish to act like that. Defiance toward my Dominant and toward my Disciplinarian is not acceptable to me. It is not acceptable to them either, just for the record. I apologized to both of them and they read my writings. I was not punished. I didn't need to be. It was a revelation that needed to be seen and will be corrected. Even though I have the two of them in my life, most of the correction is going to be on my shoulders. At least that is how I see it. That doesn't mean that I won't be punished. It means that it is up to me to make the changes. This is for *my* good. I may at times have the mindset of a child and my inner child may be fully visible, but it is on me to make these changes for my good. I do not passively accept their guidance. My role is very active.
Miss Jenn read over the list of rules/guidelines for me and asked me how I felt I would do with them. I told her that I thought that for the first few days anyway that I would be okay with it all. Then I told her that after that, I probably would experience times of just not liking them at all. Not liking the rules and not being very happy with her or Mickey either. She nodded her head in agreement, as did Mickey.
Both of these women have a habit of digging deeper than is comfortable for me. They make me look at things in different ways and both have the mindset of teacher. Both are very dominant women. They are used to getting their own way and I know full well that when it comes to my own stubbornness, I have met my match in the two of them. Instead of scaring me off, this is comforting to me. If or when the time comes that I rebel, I know it is going to be met head on.
I am not looking forward to the first disagreement. I am not looking forward to the time when a consequence is put on me. Everything in me wants to avoid that. Knowing myself, and the way they know me, we all know that the time is going to come where I push against those boundaries. Some part of me is going to stand up and see if they are going to push back, respond, ignore or correct. I would rather that I didn't do that. I would like to just travel along in my safe little bubble here. I hate the thought of them being disappointed in me.
I don't know how I am going to stop myself from turning my back on their authority. I just know that I have to. I want that authority in my life. There is a need for it. Mickey says I close my eyes and go silent, pushing her away by my actions. I turn my back. I look away. It is a habit that needs to be broken. How do I face and accept? How do I make myself stay in that moment and accept their instruction or correction? Why do I even turn away from what I so desperately want and need in my life right now? It doesn't make sense to me at all.
I was in real distress yesterday. When I saw my actions for what they really were, it was very troubling to me. I do not wish to act like that. Defiance toward my Dominant and toward my Disciplinarian is not acceptable to me. It is not acceptable to them either, just for the record. I apologized to both of them and they read my writings. I was not punished. I didn't need to be. It was a revelation that needed to be seen and will be corrected. Even though I have the two of them in my life, most of the correction is going to be on my shoulders. At least that is how I see it. That doesn't mean that I won't be punished. It means that it is up to me to make the changes. This is for *my* good. I may at times have the mindset of a child and my inner child may be fully visible, but it is on me to make these changes for my good. I do not passively accept their guidance. My role is very active.
Miss Jenn read over the list of rules/guidelines for me and asked me how I felt I would do with them. I told her that I thought that for the first few days anyway that I would be okay with it all. Then I told her that after that, I probably would experience times of just not liking them at all. Not liking the rules and not being very happy with her or Mickey either. She nodded her head in agreement, as did Mickey.
Both of these women have a habit of digging deeper than is comfortable for me. They make me look at things in different ways and both have the mindset of teacher. Both are very dominant women. They are used to getting their own way and I know full well that when it comes to my own stubbornness, I have met my match in the two of them. Instead of scaring me off, this is comforting to me. If or when the time comes that I rebel, I know it is going to be met head on.
I am not looking forward to the first disagreement. I am not looking forward to the time when a consequence is put on me. Everything in me wants to avoid that. Knowing myself, and the way they know me, we all know that the time is going to come where I push against those boundaries. Some part of me is going to stand up and see if they are going to push back, respond, ignore or correct. I would rather that I didn't do that. I would like to just travel along in my safe little bubble here. I hate the thought of them being disappointed in me.
I don't know how I am going to stop myself from turning my back on their authority. I just know that I have to. I want that authority in my life. There is a need for it. Mickey says I close my eyes and go silent, pushing her away by my actions. I turn my back. I look away. It is a habit that needs to be broken. How do I face and accept? How do I make myself stay in that moment and accept their instruction or correction? Why do I even turn away from what I so desperately want and need in my life right now? It doesn't make sense to me at all.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Humbled
It is so humbling to me right now to see my actions for what they really are. To have messed up in such a big way, right at the start of a new path for me. Realizing that I acted so dismissive toward an authority figure is not setting well with me at all.
I am trying to find the positive here.... I guess maybe the fact that I do really see it now. All blinders are off for sure. I am real sure that it won't be tolerated again. I am just as sure that I will put more effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
The way I feel right now is horrible. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to feel like this ever again. Maybe the positive there too is in the learning process. I learned something about myself. It isn't something I like and my heart hurts right now over the fact that I actually did this. I don't want this feeling to stay with me. I do want the memory of how I feel right now to stick with me. That way, when faced with the same situation again, I will remember how I feel right now and make a better choice then.
There is a part of me that really just wants to beat myself up right now. I hear the voice inside of me asking me how I could have been so stupid. I expect perfection. I have to understand that they don't expect perfection from me. They know I am going to mess up. This is to help me through a real trying time in my life. They want the best for me and want me safe. I have not been set up to fail. I have been set up to thrive and to grow and to learn.
What I did was a very willful act. A wrong one for sure. No one has ever called me on it before. Now, being faced with it, what it really is, I am at a crossroads. This is a place where I can learn. This is a place where I can choose a better way. Or I can just beat myself up. Which is something that would get me in trouble. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to punish myself. The if, when and how, is not in my hands. I am pretty sure that means that beating myself up emotionally is not going to fly.
ARRGGG, can I just do yesterday afternoon all over again? Where's a fairy godmother when ya really need one??
I am trying to find the positive here.... I guess maybe the fact that I do really see it now. All blinders are off for sure. I am real sure that it won't be tolerated again. I am just as sure that I will put more effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
The way I feel right now is horrible. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to feel like this ever again. Maybe the positive there too is in the learning process. I learned something about myself. It isn't something I like and my heart hurts right now over the fact that I actually did this. I don't want this feeling to stay with me. I do want the memory of how I feel right now to stick with me. That way, when faced with the same situation again, I will remember how I feel right now and make a better choice then.
There is a part of me that really just wants to beat myself up right now. I hear the voice inside of me asking me how I could have been so stupid. I expect perfection. I have to understand that they don't expect perfection from me. They know I am going to mess up. This is to help me through a real trying time in my life. They want the best for me and want me safe. I have not been set up to fail. I have been set up to thrive and to grow and to learn.
What I did was a very willful act. A wrong one for sure. No one has ever called me on it before. Now, being faced with it, what it really is, I am at a crossroads. This is a place where I can learn. This is a place where I can choose a better way. Or I can just beat myself up. Which is something that would get me in trouble. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to punish myself. The if, when and how, is not in my hands. I am pretty sure that means that beating myself up emotionally is not going to fly.
ARRGGG, can I just do yesterday afternoon all over again? Where's a fairy godmother when ya really need one??
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Defiance
This blog is actually a request. It is not exactly a subject that I want to explore right now. It was pointed out to me tonight that I am being defiant. That was not a good feeling for me at all. I don't see myself as defiant. Only, tonight when it was pointed out what I was doing and I was asked to really look into myself about why I had done it, being defiant kind of fits.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts. I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me. Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely. None of this was forced on me. This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away. She was not trying to be that way. She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part. Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline. I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment. I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. It was a gut reaction. Right now I don't know how to break it.
I have apologized. I do see that this is something that must change in my life. I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all. I feel sort of humbled at this moment. Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts. I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me. Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely. None of this was forced on me. This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away. She was not trying to be that way. She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part. Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline. I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment. I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. It was a gut reaction. Right now I don't know how to break it.
I have apologized. I do see that this is something that must change in my life. I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all. I feel sort of humbled at this moment. Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Exhaustion & Stress
Exhaustion can sure be a crazy thing sometimes. I have slept about 19 hours in the past 4 days now. My body is just going through one of those periods where sleep is not easy or long. Sometimes I think I run on coffee and adrenaline. I have learned not to stress over it a lot. Eventually my body does give up and I sleep for a longer stretch of time.
Although exhaustion can take a toll, I really think it is the stress that is more draining. For me, exhaustion has a more definite ending point. I understand the cause. I understand the why of it. I understand what it does to my body and my thinking. Heck, I even have meds to put me to sleep if need be. But, with stress, it is all different. I might understand what is causing the stress, but not always. Neither do I always understand why I am stressed. Exhaustion does not seem to have a lot of causes. Stress on the other hand can come for a hundred different reasons.
A friend sent me this picture and I just laughed. I know that so many of us have nights like that, or even days on end like that. It is nice when we can joke and laugh about it. Finding some humor in the predicament we are in, is always helpful for me. Our bodies are going to physically respond to exhaustion and to stress. They both can effect us in negative ways.
It is hard sometimes to step out of the day to day stuff of *I have to's* and take care of ourselves. We do become overloaded from time to time with things that we have come to accept as normal for us. I don't care how busy a person is, there has to come a time of rest. A time of stepping out of the responsibility and relaxing. I know people who are so afraid of being seen as self centered, they don't take the time to check in with themselves and take some much needed *me* time. We are surrounded by the me-myself-and I generation which stands toe to toe with the instant gratification group. When we truly recognize that we are exhausted or stressed, there should be no guilt in stepping back and taking care of ourselves. What good are we really going to be to anyone else if the exhaustion and/or stress just keeps building?
I was told tonight to go to bed. I laughed and joked about it but in the end, I did exactly that. I slept 4 hours. A solid deep sleep which was much needed. It hasn't made everything all better but it sure hasn't made anything worse either. I can think more clearly and that is always a good thing.
Listen to your body. Take the time to rest and recharge. Your body will thank you for it.
Although exhaustion can take a toll, I really think it is the stress that is more draining. For me, exhaustion has a more definite ending point. I understand the cause. I understand the why of it. I understand what it does to my body and my thinking. Heck, I even have meds to put me to sleep if need be. But, with stress, it is all different. I might understand what is causing the stress, but not always. Neither do I always understand why I am stressed. Exhaustion does not seem to have a lot of causes. Stress on the other hand can come for a hundred different reasons.
A friend sent me this picture and I just laughed. I know that so many of us have nights like that, or even days on end like that. It is nice when we can joke and laugh about it. Finding some humor in the predicament we are in, is always helpful for me. Our bodies are going to physically respond to exhaustion and to stress. They both can effect us in negative ways.
It is hard sometimes to step out of the day to day stuff of *I have to's* and take care of ourselves. We do become overloaded from time to time with things that we have come to accept as normal for us. I don't care how busy a person is, there has to come a time of rest. A time of stepping out of the responsibility and relaxing. I know people who are so afraid of being seen as self centered, they don't take the time to check in with themselves and take some much needed *me* time. We are surrounded by the me-myself-and I generation which stands toe to toe with the instant gratification group. When we truly recognize that we are exhausted or stressed, there should be no guilt in stepping back and taking care of ourselves. What good are we really going to be to anyone else if the exhaustion and/or stress just keeps building?
I was told tonight to go to bed. I laughed and joked about it but in the end, I did exactly that. I slept 4 hours. A solid deep sleep which was much needed. It hasn't made everything all better but it sure hasn't made anything worse either. I can think more clearly and that is always a good thing.
Listen to your body. Take the time to rest and recharge. Your body will thank you for it.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Accountability
Strange how things can be going along just fine and then something will slip me up. Often it is something small and insignificant, yet it seems to have the power to knock me off balance. This time it is the thought of accountability. Maybe not exactly small or insignificant, just pressing in my thoughts.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Friendship
Friend:
1. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
2. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
3. Someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you.
4. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
5. Someone who regards you with respect and affection, seeking your welfare and wishing you well.
6. An associate who provides assistance. An ally.
These are parts of definitions taken from different dictionaries. Number three is taken from the Urban Dictionary.
Having the friendship of another is a very precious gift. A relationship built on respect, trust and love. It is a mutual bonding that grows over time. Sometimes, when you meet a new person, things just *click* and you know you have just made a new friend. That in my opinion is very rare. Having friends in our lives, is to me, something we need to work at. It involves taking risks from time to time. Stepping out of our own comfort zone. Giving and receiving. Understanding that friendship is a two way street.
In my life, I know that there is a need to nurture the friendships I am blessed with. I have a couple of friends that even if we haven't spoken in months, when we meet up again or talk on the phone, it is as if no time has ever passed. I believe we share this bond because together we laid a foundation of friendship between us. We put the time and energy into it so that now when we are even apart for great spans of time, when we do reconnect the feelings are all still the same and blossom quickly.
I know that some people are very isolated. Maybe there isn't even one friend in their life. I am very aware that for some, this is a choice. For others, they wished it wasn't like this. Some turn to the internet and have found close friends this way. It meets that need to *connect* emotionally with another person. I have made friendships this way and taken it to real life. There is a need for caution here because on the internet a person can decide to be anything they want to be, real or not.
Being a friend means to me that I give of myself to someone else. It is about what I give, not what I get. Sure, I get burned from time to time. That is going to happen because that is life too. It doesn't make me a bad friend or a bad person. To me it doesn't necessarily make the other person *bad* in any way either. It just wasn't meant to be. I can accept that. Not everyone we cross paths with is going to be a friend, nor would we want them to be.
When that connection is there though, it is a wonderful thing. Friendships often bring out the best in us. Why? Because of love, respect and trust. I can say to a friend that I am feeling crappy and that I know I have no real reason to feel this way. I can trust that my statement will be received for what it is and know that the response I get in return is not going to be to belittle me. We build one another up, not tear each other apart.
1. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
2. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
3. Someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you.
4. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
5. Someone who regards you with respect and affection, seeking your welfare and wishing you well.
6. An associate who provides assistance. An ally.
These are parts of definitions taken from different dictionaries. Number three is taken from the Urban Dictionary.
Having the friendship of another is a very precious gift. A relationship built on respect, trust and love. It is a mutual bonding that grows over time. Sometimes, when you meet a new person, things just *click* and you know you have just made a new friend. That in my opinion is very rare. Having friends in our lives, is to me, something we need to work at. It involves taking risks from time to time. Stepping out of our own comfort zone. Giving and receiving. Understanding that friendship is a two way street.
In my life, I know that there is a need to nurture the friendships I am blessed with. I have a couple of friends that even if we haven't spoken in months, when we meet up again or talk on the phone, it is as if no time has ever passed. I believe we share this bond because together we laid a foundation of friendship between us. We put the time and energy into it so that now when we are even apart for great spans of time, when we do reconnect the feelings are all still the same and blossom quickly.
I know that some people are very isolated. Maybe there isn't even one friend in their life. I am very aware that for some, this is a choice. For others, they wished it wasn't like this. Some turn to the internet and have found close friends this way. It meets that need to *connect* emotionally with another person. I have made friendships this way and taken it to real life. There is a need for caution here because on the internet a person can decide to be anything they want to be, real or not.
Being a friend means to me that I give of myself to someone else. It is about what I give, not what I get. Sure, I get burned from time to time. That is going to happen because that is life too. It doesn't make me a bad friend or a bad person. To me it doesn't necessarily make the other person *bad* in any way either. It just wasn't meant to be. I can accept that. Not everyone we cross paths with is going to be a friend, nor would we want them to be.
When that connection is there though, it is a wonderful thing. Friendships often bring out the best in us. Why? Because of love, respect and trust. I can say to a friend that I am feeling crappy and that I know I have no real reason to feel this way. I can trust that my statement will be received for what it is and know that the response I get in return is not going to be to belittle me. We build one another up, not tear each other apart.
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