This blog is actually a request. It is not exactly a subject that I want to explore right now. It was pointed out to me tonight that I am being defiant. That was not a good feeling for me at all. I don't see myself as defiant. Only, tonight when it was pointed out what I was doing and I was asked to really look into myself about why I had done it, being defiant kind of fits.
I have just entered into a 3 month contract of sorts. I am the one who asked for it and I agreed to the boundaries being placed around me. Two people have authority over me and I have agreed to it completely. None of this was forced on me. This afternoon, right off the bat when faced with an authoritative tone and look, I turned away. She was not trying to be that way. She was actually just trying to teach me something, give me some instruction, and when I felt that authority coming from her, I literally turned my back on her.
It was pointed out to me, that not only was that very rude, it was dismissive on my part. Definitely not the way to begin a new relationship that actually includes teaching, structure and discipline. I feel pretty ashamed of myself at this moment. I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. It was a gut reaction. Right now I don't know how to break it.
I have apologized. I do see that this is something that must change in my life. I know that defiance like this is not a good thing at all. I feel sort of humbled at this moment. Defiance toward someone I respect is not acceptable.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Exhaustion & Stress
Exhaustion can sure be a crazy thing sometimes. I have slept about 19 hours in the past 4 days now. My body is just going through one of those periods where sleep is not easy or long. Sometimes I think I run on coffee and adrenaline. I have learned not to stress over it a lot. Eventually my body does give up and I sleep for a longer stretch of time.
Although exhaustion can take a toll, I really think it is the stress that is more draining. For me, exhaustion has a more definite ending point. I understand the cause. I understand the why of it. I understand what it does to my body and my thinking. Heck, I even have meds to put me to sleep if need be. But, with stress, it is all different. I might understand what is causing the stress, but not always. Neither do I always understand why I am stressed. Exhaustion does not seem to have a lot of causes. Stress on the other hand can come for a hundred different reasons.
A friend sent me this picture and I just laughed. I know that so many of us have nights like that, or even days on end like that. It is nice when we can joke and laugh about it. Finding some humor in the predicament we are in, is always helpful for me. Our bodies are going to physically respond to exhaustion and to stress. They both can effect us in negative ways.
It is hard sometimes to step out of the day to day stuff of *I have to's* and take care of ourselves. We do become overloaded from time to time with things that we have come to accept as normal for us. I don't care how busy a person is, there has to come a time of rest. A time of stepping out of the responsibility and relaxing. I know people who are so afraid of being seen as self centered, they don't take the time to check in with themselves and take some much needed *me* time. We are surrounded by the me-myself-and I generation which stands toe to toe with the instant gratification group. When we truly recognize that we are exhausted or stressed, there should be no guilt in stepping back and taking care of ourselves. What good are we really going to be to anyone else if the exhaustion and/or stress just keeps building?
I was told tonight to go to bed. I laughed and joked about it but in the end, I did exactly that. I slept 4 hours. A solid deep sleep which was much needed. It hasn't made everything all better but it sure hasn't made anything worse either. I can think more clearly and that is always a good thing.
Listen to your body. Take the time to rest and recharge. Your body will thank you for it.
Although exhaustion can take a toll, I really think it is the stress that is more draining. For me, exhaustion has a more definite ending point. I understand the cause. I understand the why of it. I understand what it does to my body and my thinking. Heck, I even have meds to put me to sleep if need be. But, with stress, it is all different. I might understand what is causing the stress, but not always. Neither do I always understand why I am stressed. Exhaustion does not seem to have a lot of causes. Stress on the other hand can come for a hundred different reasons.
A friend sent me this picture and I just laughed. I know that so many of us have nights like that, or even days on end like that. It is nice when we can joke and laugh about it. Finding some humor in the predicament we are in, is always helpful for me. Our bodies are going to physically respond to exhaustion and to stress. They both can effect us in negative ways.
It is hard sometimes to step out of the day to day stuff of *I have to's* and take care of ourselves. We do become overloaded from time to time with things that we have come to accept as normal for us. I don't care how busy a person is, there has to come a time of rest. A time of stepping out of the responsibility and relaxing. I know people who are so afraid of being seen as self centered, they don't take the time to check in with themselves and take some much needed *me* time. We are surrounded by the me-myself-and I generation which stands toe to toe with the instant gratification group. When we truly recognize that we are exhausted or stressed, there should be no guilt in stepping back and taking care of ourselves. What good are we really going to be to anyone else if the exhaustion and/or stress just keeps building?
I was told tonight to go to bed. I laughed and joked about it but in the end, I did exactly that. I slept 4 hours. A solid deep sleep which was much needed. It hasn't made everything all better but it sure hasn't made anything worse either. I can think more clearly and that is always a good thing.
Listen to your body. Take the time to rest and recharge. Your body will thank you for it.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Accountability
Strange how things can be going along just fine and then something will slip me up. Often it is something small and insignificant, yet it seems to have the power to knock me off balance. This time it is the thought of accountability. Maybe not exactly small or insignificant, just pressing in my thoughts.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
I feel a need for more accountability in my life right now. I view it more as a safety net than as a set of rules. I feel that accountability helps me to center myself. It brings more discipline into my life and helps me make better choices. It is not that I can't do it for myself. A lot of the time it is more of an *I won't* When accountability is added, I am much more likely to stick with the plan. It is an added incentive.
Lately, I have been feeling just *out of sorts*. Feeling a little like I am just drifting along. Instead of calming, it is becoming more anxiety filled. I talked to my partner about it today. Tried to put into words what I am feeling, what I think I want and how I see it will help. We decided that this weekend we will sit down together and write out a plan for me. After we have agreed to it and get it down on paper, we have agreed to stick to it for 3 months. After that we will revisit it and access how it has worked, what needs changed, or even if we wish to continue it. We both felt that we needed to set a time frame around it. We have always shared a D/s relationship. This is something different that I am asking to try. It is less service oriented and more about personal growth as well as growth in our relationship.
I am facing a challenging time right now with things from my past. They are creeping into my day to day life. They are having an impact on my physical and emotional health. I have asked for more structure. I know I will feel safer having clear boundaries and clear expectations around me. Knowing that I will also face consequences if I choose to disregard those, isn't pleasant to me. I simply feel that right now it is needed.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Friendship
Friend:
1. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
2. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
3. Someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you.
4. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
5. Someone who regards you with respect and affection, seeking your welfare and wishing you well.
6. An associate who provides assistance. An ally.
These are parts of definitions taken from different dictionaries. Number three is taken from the Urban Dictionary.
Having the friendship of another is a very precious gift. A relationship built on respect, trust and love. It is a mutual bonding that grows over time. Sometimes, when you meet a new person, things just *click* and you know you have just made a new friend. That in my opinion is very rare. Having friends in our lives, is to me, something we need to work at. It involves taking risks from time to time. Stepping out of our own comfort zone. Giving and receiving. Understanding that friendship is a two way street.
In my life, I know that there is a need to nurture the friendships I am blessed with. I have a couple of friends that even if we haven't spoken in months, when we meet up again or talk on the phone, it is as if no time has ever passed. I believe we share this bond because together we laid a foundation of friendship between us. We put the time and energy into it so that now when we are even apart for great spans of time, when we do reconnect the feelings are all still the same and blossom quickly.
I know that some people are very isolated. Maybe there isn't even one friend in their life. I am very aware that for some, this is a choice. For others, they wished it wasn't like this. Some turn to the internet and have found close friends this way. It meets that need to *connect* emotionally with another person. I have made friendships this way and taken it to real life. There is a need for caution here because on the internet a person can decide to be anything they want to be, real or not.
Being a friend means to me that I give of myself to someone else. It is about what I give, not what I get. Sure, I get burned from time to time. That is going to happen because that is life too. It doesn't make me a bad friend or a bad person. To me it doesn't necessarily make the other person *bad* in any way either. It just wasn't meant to be. I can accept that. Not everyone we cross paths with is going to be a friend, nor would we want them to be.
When that connection is there though, it is a wonderful thing. Friendships often bring out the best in us. Why? Because of love, respect and trust. I can say to a friend that I am feeling crappy and that I know I have no real reason to feel this way. I can trust that my statement will be received for what it is and know that the response I get in return is not going to be to belittle me. We build one another up, not tear each other apart.
1. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
2. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
3. Someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you.
4. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
5. Someone who regards you with respect and affection, seeking your welfare and wishing you well.
6. An associate who provides assistance. An ally.
These are parts of definitions taken from different dictionaries. Number three is taken from the Urban Dictionary.
Having the friendship of another is a very precious gift. A relationship built on respect, trust and love. It is a mutual bonding that grows over time. Sometimes, when you meet a new person, things just *click* and you know you have just made a new friend. That in my opinion is very rare. Having friends in our lives, is to me, something we need to work at. It involves taking risks from time to time. Stepping out of our own comfort zone. Giving and receiving. Understanding that friendship is a two way street.
In my life, I know that there is a need to nurture the friendships I am blessed with. I have a couple of friends that even if we haven't spoken in months, when we meet up again or talk on the phone, it is as if no time has ever passed. I believe we share this bond because together we laid a foundation of friendship between us. We put the time and energy into it so that now when we are even apart for great spans of time, when we do reconnect the feelings are all still the same and blossom quickly.
I know that some people are very isolated. Maybe there isn't even one friend in their life. I am very aware that for some, this is a choice. For others, they wished it wasn't like this. Some turn to the internet and have found close friends this way. It meets that need to *connect* emotionally with another person. I have made friendships this way and taken it to real life. There is a need for caution here because on the internet a person can decide to be anything they want to be, real or not.
Being a friend means to me that I give of myself to someone else. It is about what I give, not what I get. Sure, I get burned from time to time. That is going to happen because that is life too. It doesn't make me a bad friend or a bad person. To me it doesn't necessarily make the other person *bad* in any way either. It just wasn't meant to be. I can accept that. Not everyone we cross paths with is going to be a friend, nor would we want them to be.
When that connection is there though, it is a wonderful thing. Friendships often bring out the best in us. Why? Because of love, respect and trust. I can say to a friend that I am feeling crappy and that I know I have no real reason to feel this way. I can trust that my statement will be received for what it is and know that the response I get in return is not going to be to belittle me. We build one another up, not tear each other apart.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Don't Underestimate
Don't underestimate me because I am quiet. I know more than I say, think more than I speak, and observe more than you know. Many versions of this quote have been around for a long time. Mickey would say it fits me to a tee. I am quiet. It is a part of my nature.
Here are a few of my own versions.
Don't underestimate my strength simply because my body is weak. I am stronger than I look, I have survived more than most, and I have helped more than you know. See the blog on Strength, from earlier this month.
Don't underestimate me because I smile. I know when you are lying, I hide my emotions well and there is more behind it than you see.
Don't underestimate me because I am generous. I give without expectation, I have known both wealth and poverty, and recognize when I am being used.
What would a version from you look like?
Here are a few of my own versions.
Don't underestimate my strength simply because my body is weak. I am stronger than I look, I have survived more than most, and I have helped more than you know. See the blog on Strength, from earlier this month.
Don't underestimate me because I smile. I know when you are lying, I hide my emotions well and there is more behind it than you see.
Don't underestimate me because I am generous. I give without expectation, I have known both wealth and poverty, and recognize when I am being used.
What would a version from you look like?
Friday, January 29, 2016
Facing Our Truth
So what do you do? People look at me funny when I tell them that I am retired. I am too young to actually be retired in the sense that most people think. It is just easier for me to say that I am retired than to blurt out that I am disabled. Both are true though. I am very fortunate in that I do receive a retirement benefit and have a steady income. The fact that I am disabled has held me back from any sort of traditional *job* at this point in my life. If I am simply standing or sitting, others can't see that there is anything wrong with my body. I can stand for short periods of time on a good day. It is when I move, that the difference is apparent. So many times when I am in my wheelchair, I will be asked what is wrong with me. The question comes 9 times out of 10 from an older person. They look at me and wonder why someone as young and as healthy looking as I am, has to be in a wheelchair. Much of the time it is also from an older woman. The questions use to irritate the hell out of me.
If you haven't learned this about me yet from my blog, let me just say for the record, I question myself a lot! I question why I feel the way I do. Why I react a certain way, etc. So, eventually, I did question myself about why these questions irritated me so much. First, what I saw was that they were an invasion of my privacy. Oh, I had the choice on whether or not to answer them. I had the choice on how much information I gave them. I controlled the situation, so why was I still irritated by it?
The answer dawned on me when I was sitting on a plane and an older woman was brought in to sit next to me. She got all settled in, then turned to me and said, *You don't look disabled at all, what's wrong with you?* What some people don't know is that there is a place on the airplane set aside for the disabled that are travelling alone. This woman had seen me in my wheelchair as we waited to board. They put me on board first and then brought her in. My wheelchair gone, I look like everyone else. This woman was demanding of an answer. Her question seemed very judgmental to me. The plane didn't have any other passengers on it yet and would be a 3 hour flight. I was stuck next to this woman, up front so the flight attendants can get to us quickly, for at least the next 4 hours. In all honesty, she was the sweet old grandmother type and at least 80. But, she wanted an answer and it irritated me. I am not disrespectful and I wasn't then either. I politely told her that my legs were not as strong as even hers. She walked with a cane and had walked with aide from the waiting area and onto the plane. That explanation was not good enough for her. She did not have the best hearing, so everything I did say, I had to repeat at least once, louder. The conversation was ended before we got in the air. That is when the real answer to why the question irritated me, came to me.
The question forced me to face the *disability* head on. If I choose to have the conversation, it made me face myself and my physical limitations truthfully. I did not want to do that. On that plane, I compared myself to this elderly woman. She could physically do more than I could. She had walked in, so her legs were stronger. She had a very heavy purse which I couldn't pick up, so her arms were stronger. In that moment, I felt sorry for myself. Hell, I even wondered what *she* was doing in the handicapped section!
Facing our truths aren't always easy. It can be made tougher when we feel like something outside of ourselves is making us face that truth. I was receiving a lot of *inquiring minds want to know* requests and becoming irritated. Once I realized the why of it, I handled it better. I faced my truth in that area and came to better terms with it. Now, I can smile, laugh and in some cases educate another person, when those questions come.
Everyone's truth is different. We are all unique individuals with a wide range of things that are true about us. We choose who we share that with. We also choose how truthful we are with ourselves about it. I have found that in facing my truths, I also can decide to focus on either the negative or the positive side of that truth. What my mind dwells on is going to grow one way or the other. I could have continued feeling sorry for myself with all the *I can'ts*. Instead, I focused on the fact that I was able to travel alone, I had excellent people who took me to the plane, very attentive service while on the plane, wonderful people meeting me and helping me off the plane, special permissions given for all of those dropping me off and picking me up to be right at the gates to send me off and to pick me up. Every need was met, and so on. Strange thing about this event is that it was the last time I was allowed to travel alone. I am glad to have come to the realization that I did on that plane. Facing that one small part of my truth changed me for the better. So, even though it can be difficult, face your truth. See what good things you can find on the other side of the experience.
If you haven't learned this about me yet from my blog, let me just say for the record, I question myself a lot! I question why I feel the way I do. Why I react a certain way, etc. So, eventually, I did question myself about why these questions irritated me so much. First, what I saw was that they were an invasion of my privacy. Oh, I had the choice on whether or not to answer them. I had the choice on how much information I gave them. I controlled the situation, so why was I still irritated by it?
The answer dawned on me when I was sitting on a plane and an older woman was brought in to sit next to me. She got all settled in, then turned to me and said, *You don't look disabled at all, what's wrong with you?* What some people don't know is that there is a place on the airplane set aside for the disabled that are travelling alone. This woman had seen me in my wheelchair as we waited to board. They put me on board first and then brought her in. My wheelchair gone, I look like everyone else. This woman was demanding of an answer. Her question seemed very judgmental to me. The plane didn't have any other passengers on it yet and would be a 3 hour flight. I was stuck next to this woman, up front so the flight attendants can get to us quickly, for at least the next 4 hours. In all honesty, she was the sweet old grandmother type and at least 80. But, she wanted an answer and it irritated me. I am not disrespectful and I wasn't then either. I politely told her that my legs were not as strong as even hers. She walked with a cane and had walked with aide from the waiting area and onto the plane. That explanation was not good enough for her. She did not have the best hearing, so everything I did say, I had to repeat at least once, louder. The conversation was ended before we got in the air. That is when the real answer to why the question irritated me, came to me.
The question forced me to face the *disability* head on. If I choose to have the conversation, it made me face myself and my physical limitations truthfully. I did not want to do that. On that plane, I compared myself to this elderly woman. She could physically do more than I could. She had walked in, so her legs were stronger. She had a very heavy purse which I couldn't pick up, so her arms were stronger. In that moment, I felt sorry for myself. Hell, I even wondered what *she* was doing in the handicapped section!
Facing our truths aren't always easy. It can be made tougher when we feel like something outside of ourselves is making us face that truth. I was receiving a lot of *inquiring minds want to know* requests and becoming irritated. Once I realized the why of it, I handled it better. I faced my truth in that area and came to better terms with it. Now, I can smile, laugh and in some cases educate another person, when those questions come.
Everyone's truth is different. We are all unique individuals with a wide range of things that are true about us. We choose who we share that with. We also choose how truthful we are with ourselves about it. I have found that in facing my truths, I also can decide to focus on either the negative or the positive side of that truth. What my mind dwells on is going to grow one way or the other. I could have continued feeling sorry for myself with all the *I can'ts*. Instead, I focused on the fact that I was able to travel alone, I had excellent people who took me to the plane, very attentive service while on the plane, wonderful people meeting me and helping me off the plane, special permissions given for all of those dropping me off and picking me up to be right at the gates to send me off and to pick me up. Every need was met, and so on. Strange thing about this event is that it was the last time I was allowed to travel alone. I am glad to have come to the realization that I did on that plane. Facing that one small part of my truth changed me for the better. So, even though it can be difficult, face your truth. See what good things you can find on the other side of the experience.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Being Thankful
Have you ever stopped to think about the good things in your life? Sometimes we get so caught up in what's going wrong, that we overlook the things that are going right. There is so much to be thankful for. I heard a quote from somewhere that said..*what if we woke up tomorrow only having the things we were thankful for today?* Some of us would be in a world of hurt and NOT in a good way!
I am as guilty as everyone else. I don't consider myself a negative person at all. I do know that I can get stuck on the negative, completely missing the other side of things.
What is there to be thankful for in such a screwed up world? There is war, killing, poverty, prejudice, injustice, abuses...and more. I am not thankful for those things. I have said before that I desire to be part of the solution. What happens when those things come to roost in our own lives? How do we respond?
I am not about to be thankful for the disabled man who took one look at my partner, who asked him if he needed help and had the gall to say to her, that he didn't want help from a homosexual. He continued and basically told her to go to hell. Mickey, the woman of patience and wisdom that she is, replied to him.. "first, what ever possessed you to think I am a lesbian? My looks? I feel sorry for you that you refuse a helping hand from someone who is offering it, based on how they look. I hope you have a more pleasant day." And, she walked away. Can't say I would have been as polite. Mickey teaches me so much through word and action and for that I am very thankful. She gets the rude remarks and the dirty looks, way too often in my opinion. She has learned to handle them, most of the time, with a grace that makes me love her even more.
I am thankful for my partner in life. She is an amazing woman, strong, loving, gentle, caring, passionate, dominant, giving, generous, very much *out* as a lesbian and Top. She loves to spank me, as well as others. How can some one like me, not be thankful for that?
Sometimes we get caught up in needs that are not really needs. I *need* $20 so I can go to the movies with my friends. Okay, I will swap you that $20 for your next 20 hours of water to drink. Kind of a basic need. Water, air, shelter...
What about when it seems like everything in our life is going wrong? Don't have a job, didn't get the pay raise, or to really bring it straight to the heart - when we have come to the place where we feel worthless? I have been there. Wondering why I was even on this planet. The LAST thing I wanted was for any one to suggest to me to start thinking about what was *good* in my life. Dammit, in that place, I can't think of anything *good*! Not in that frame of mind. It takes hard work to bring yourself back from that dark mood place. I have seen too that it seems like a lot of others are ready to jump on the band wagon of negativity and depression. I am thankful for the people in my life that stand up to me, tell me the truth and present another opinion. Joining me in my pity party isn't going to help either one of us.
Some people will see the title of this entry and not even read it. There is something about thankfulness that turns people away. It is strange that when we need it most, we want little to do with it. Changing our thinking in those dark moments is not easy. I fight it. Sometimes it is like I would rather wade around in that yuck than listen to and practice a way out of it. There is no person reading this that can honestly say there is nothing to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?
I am as guilty as everyone else. I don't consider myself a negative person at all. I do know that I can get stuck on the negative, completely missing the other side of things.
What is there to be thankful for in such a screwed up world? There is war, killing, poverty, prejudice, injustice, abuses...and more. I am not thankful for those things. I have said before that I desire to be part of the solution. What happens when those things come to roost in our own lives? How do we respond?
I am not about to be thankful for the disabled man who took one look at my partner, who asked him if he needed help and had the gall to say to her, that he didn't want help from a homosexual. He continued and basically told her to go to hell. Mickey, the woman of patience and wisdom that she is, replied to him.. "first, what ever possessed you to think I am a lesbian? My looks? I feel sorry for you that you refuse a helping hand from someone who is offering it, based on how they look. I hope you have a more pleasant day." And, she walked away. Can't say I would have been as polite. Mickey teaches me so much through word and action and for that I am very thankful. She gets the rude remarks and the dirty looks, way too often in my opinion. She has learned to handle them, most of the time, with a grace that makes me love her even more.
I am thankful for my partner in life. She is an amazing woman, strong, loving, gentle, caring, passionate, dominant, giving, generous, very much *out* as a lesbian and Top. She loves to spank me, as well as others. How can some one like me, not be thankful for that?
Sometimes we get caught up in needs that are not really needs. I *need* $20 so I can go to the movies with my friends. Okay, I will swap you that $20 for your next 20 hours of water to drink. Kind of a basic need. Water, air, shelter...
What about when it seems like everything in our life is going wrong? Don't have a job, didn't get the pay raise, or to really bring it straight to the heart - when we have come to the place where we feel worthless? I have been there. Wondering why I was even on this planet. The LAST thing I wanted was for any one to suggest to me to start thinking about what was *good* in my life. Dammit, in that place, I can't think of anything *good*! Not in that frame of mind. It takes hard work to bring yourself back from that dark mood place. I have seen too that it seems like a lot of others are ready to jump on the band wagon of negativity and depression. I am thankful for the people in my life that stand up to me, tell me the truth and present another opinion. Joining me in my pity party isn't going to help either one of us.
Some people will see the title of this entry and not even read it. There is something about thankfulness that turns people away. It is strange that when we need it most, we want little to do with it. Changing our thinking in those dark moments is not easy. I fight it. Sometimes it is like I would rather wade around in that yuck than listen to and practice a way out of it. There is no person reading this that can honestly say there is nothing to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?
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