Facing Our Truth

So what do you do?  People look at me funny when I tell them that I am retired.  I am too young to actually be retired in the sense that most people think.  It is just easier for me to say that I am retired than to blurt out that I am disabled.  Both are true though.  I am very fortunate in that I do receive a retirement benefit and have a steady income.  The fact that I am disabled has held me back from any sort of traditional *job* at this point in my life.  If I am simply standing or sitting, others can't see that there is anything wrong with my body.  I can stand for short periods of time on a good day.  It is when I move, that the difference is apparent. So many times when I am in my wheelchair, I will be asked what is wrong with me.  The question comes 9 times out of 10 from an older person.  They look at me and wonder why someone as young and as healthy looking as I am, has to be in a wheelchair.  Much of the time it is also from an older woman.  The questions use to irritate the hell out of me.
If you haven't learned this about me yet from my blog, let me just say for the record, I question myself a lot!  I question why I feel the way I do.  Why I react a certain way, etc.  So, eventually, I did question myself about why these questions irritated me so much.  First, what I saw was that they were an invasion of my privacy.  Oh, I had the choice on whether or not to answer them.  I had the choice on how much information I gave them.  I controlled the situation, so why was I still irritated by it?
The answer dawned on me when I was sitting on a plane and an older woman was brought in to sit next to me.  She got all settled in, then turned to me and said, *You don't look disabled at all, what's wrong with you?*  What some people don't know is that there is a place on the airplane set aside for the disabled that are travelling alone.  This woman had seen me in my wheelchair as we waited to board.  They put me on board first and then brought her in.  My wheelchair gone, I look like everyone else.  This woman was demanding of an answer. Her question seemed very judgmental to me.  The plane didn't have any other passengers on it yet and would be a 3 hour flight.  I was stuck next to this woman, up front so the flight attendants can get to us quickly, for at least the next 4 hours.  In all honesty, she was the sweet old grandmother type and at least 80.  But, she wanted an answer and it irritated me.  I am not disrespectful and I wasn't then either.  I politely told her that my legs were not as strong as even hers.  She walked with a cane and had walked with aide from the waiting area and onto the plane.  That explanation was not good enough for her.   She did not have the best hearing, so everything I did say, I had to repeat at least once, louder.  The conversation was ended before we got in the air.  That is when the real answer to why the question irritated me, came to me.
The question forced me to face the *disability* head on.  If I choose to have the conversation, it made me face myself and my physical limitations truthfully.  I did not want to do that.  On that plane, I compared myself to this elderly woman.  She could physically do more than I could.  She had walked in, so her legs were stronger.  She had a very heavy purse which I couldn't pick up, so her arms were stronger.  In that moment, I felt sorry for myself.  Hell, I even wondered what *she* was doing in the handicapped section!
Facing our truths aren't always easy.  It can be made tougher when we feel like something outside of ourselves is making us face that truth.  I was receiving a lot of *inquiring minds want to know* requests and becoming irritated.  Once I realized the why of it, I handled it better.  I faced my truth in that area and came to better terms with it.  Now, I can smile, laugh and in some cases educate another person, when those questions come.
Everyone's truth is different.  We are all unique individuals with a wide range of things that are true about us.  We choose who we share that with.  We also choose how truthful we are with ourselves about it.  I have found that in facing my truths, I also can decide to focus on either the negative or the positive side of that truth.  What my mind dwells on is going to grow one way or the other.  I could have continued feeling sorry for myself with all the *I can'ts*.  Instead, I focused on the fact that I was able to travel alone, I had excellent people who took me to the plane, very attentive service while on the plane, wonderful people meeting me and helping me off the plane, special permissions given for all of those dropping me off and picking me up to be right at the gates to send me off and to pick me up.  Every need was met, and so on.  Strange thing about this event is that it was the last time I was allowed to travel alone.  I am glad to have come to the realization that I did on that plane.  Facing that one small part of my truth changed me for the better.  So, even though it can be difficult, face your truth.  See what good things you can find on the other side of the experience.