Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered how you got to be so old? Or, how you could feel so young? Or while looking at your reflection thought that what you were seeing sure didn't match what you were feeling? I know I have. Especially before and after I have done some age-play.
I enjoy age-play. There is a 7 year old little girl in me that likes to have the freedom to play. I have coloring books, stuffed animals, tea sets, blocks, books and a doll. Things you might find in any little girl's bedroom. Mickey, Daddie Mickey, spoils her little girl rotten. She is often surprising me with something new. I have the freedom to go and play anytime I want to. The Master bedroom is set up for both the big and little me. So many of the things have spilled out into the living room and it is not unusual to find me coloring in a coloring book while watching a television program. I have both adult and children's coloring books. Coloring relaxes me and has been useful in bringing down stress levels sometimes. These impromptu times are just that, a few moments in time where I just relax and am in a younger mindset.
We also have planned out age-play times together. These have been private, in the bedroom, intimate times of care and love. Nothing sexual takes place. All of it is nurturing. I have never been a brat. Well, not in the sense of some of what I have seen in videos on the internet. Often, I have her laughing at my antics and I think we are both surprised at the freedom age-play really gives me. Our age-play also has not been limited to the bedroom. Daddie Mickey has taken me places. To the movies, to the park, to the water, which is my favorite place in the whole world, where we both are just interacting together in a different way. She has taken me to build-a-bear, a place where you make your own stuffed animal. My most prized possession is a stuffed penguin. When I squeeze it's paw, I hear Daddie Mickey saying, Daddie loves her little girl! If I ever want or need a reminder, all I have to do is squeeze that paw and I can hear her, in her own words. It makes my heart smile every time!
Adults age-play for a lot of different reasons, I'm sure. For me it is a mixture of things. It is therapeutic and healing for sure. When the therapist I had been seeing told me that what I really needed was to be reparented, I didn't know what to think. The thought of anyone acting like a parent toward me scared the living hell out of me. I wasn't open to the idea, even after she explained what she meant by it. She talked to me about what a parent should bring into a child's life and what was never brought into my own. She spoke to me about nurturing, affection, encouragement, trust, and more. Really all I heard at the time was myself being in a vulnerable state and I wanted no part of it. Hell, even now very few people in my life are allowed to touch me, let alone hold me in their arms!
But, now because of some age-play, I get it. I am receiving nurturing and affection from outside of myself. I have always been my own parent, finding ways to encourage myself, doing what I could to make sure I was physically and emotionally safe. In age-play, I dont have to fight so hard to keep that time safe, I can just be me, and it is fun.
I know that some age-players brat the *adults* because they are trying to get spanked. They want the sensation of being spanked by the parent, aunt, uncle, teacher, etc. That just hasn't been my way. I have wanted to know that the *parent* cares enough about me to give the spanking. I have wanted to hear the warning and wanted to be confident that if I continued what ever it was I was doing, the *parent* really was going to spank me. I have needed that assurance that No means No and Yes means Yes.
I am a grown woman who is mature and intelligent. There is nothing immature about me. I have very much struggled with the thought of wanting a *Mother* in my life. My journey has brought me from *hell no* at the thought, to a yearning for that woman to walk into my life. There have been moments of telling myself that I am too old to want this. Telling myself to accept the fact that I will never know the dynamic of a mother/daughter relationship first hand. I mean, who would want to step into my life and be that mother figure, regardless of age? Would anyone befriend me and be open to friendship that included a maternal aspect as well? My logic tells me, no. Logic even tells me that it is something I shouldn't want. So, I struggle with knowing that the big and little me has so much love to give. Struggle with this lifelong build up of emotions and love for a mother, who never was and never will be. I struggle with all the words inside me that are meant for a Mom, this person my heart yearns for. This too is likely a part of my draw toward age-play. Very rarely have I been in age-play as a daughter to a Mother. The times that I have were enjoyable. Mickey is a *Daddie* and that energy is different. Still, I am showered with all the great things that can be in a father/daughter relationship. It is a constant thread that runs through our entire relationship. It is not the focus, nor should it be. It also gives me an outlet, in all the best ways to also shower her with all the things a daughter would with a Daddy, grown or small. I ask myself frequently if it is wrong to want a Mom. I don't have an answer, just a yearning. And occasional age-play times that lets me explore expressing my feelings. I am definitely not ashamed to admit that I like age-play. The times that I have played have always left me feeling better and more free to just be me!
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