Need

Sitting here with so many things going through my mind.  The subjects of discipline and spanking are a part of what I am thinking about.  Having a need for spanking.  Needing to know that someone else cares enough to take disciplinary measures with me.  I have 2 in my life that do just that.  It is the *need* that I am really thinking about.  How can it be such a huge need?  Where did it come from and why does it remain?
I know what many of the psychologists say about it.  I think they are wrong.  This thing that is so special and makes me feel so cared about and loved, did not come from the fact that I come from a history of abuse.  It just didn't.  The pain from that abuse has to go some place but it didn't go into the need for spanking.  I was not physically abused.  I was not spanked.
Others being spanked were all around me in my younger years.  My sister was spanked by our mother pretty often when we were younger.  Did I really pull that into myself as the way I would know that I was loved?  The private school used paddling and I was aware of it.  I watched my father spank my mother.  I am sure they all had an effect on me.  I had one therapist tell me once that because of how I grew up I connected pain with love.
Dammit!  THAT is not right.

This *thing* that I love and need is bigger and deeper than that.  I don't like pain.  I have been described as a masochist in the past because I could take anything dished out in the percussive side of BDSM.  My personal situation has changed and I haven't been able to do that, or even wanted to for 4 years.  But, with spanking there is like there is this fever in me that goes higher and higher as the need for it grows.  It is a physical feeling and it effects me emotionally.  Going without a spanking for awhile effects my mood.  Certainly, not in a good way.
I love being spanked.  I love what it does to me.  I love the closeness and the feel of skin on skin.  I feel the safest laying over a lap waiting to be spanked.  Just laying in that position has a huge effect on me emotionally.  There is nothing abusive there for me.  Not every spanking is meant to set my backside on fire either.  There is a connection that happens.  With Mickey, it is the deepest of all connections.  There is also a change that takes place in me and I always come away from those times, changed for the better.
Being spanked centers me.  When life and stress and stuff just gets in the way of my *ok-ness*, that spanking helps me think more clearly again.  It helps me face it all more productively.  I am not one who cries when being spanked.  I am not certain that anyone can actually take me there. (No, this is not a challenge)  I believe that it would take a huge overwhelming of my senses to actually take me to tears in a spanking.
The reason spanking remains a need in my life is because of what it does for me and how it makes me feel.  As far as where it came from... I just don't know.  I think some of us are just born like this.