I don't need anyone else to tell me that I am nothing. I do a pretty good job of saying that to myself on a regular basis. Bashing myself. Going as far as kicking myself when I am down. Becoming mean and hurtful and meaning every word of it when I speak it to myself.
I am nothing, echoes through my thoughts on a regular basis. The meaning so strong that it is tattooed on my soul. The voice of the original speaker of the words became unrecognizable long ago.
I am nothing, mean nothing, worth nothing...The heavy brass links of every letter from every word, tightly wrapped around my neck. The weight is suffocating.
Get your disgusting worthless ass out of my sight! The words of my parent to me as she pulled my sister across her lap to spank her. I had convinced my sister to sled down the small hill at the side of our house. Our snow covered path ended in the middle of the street. No one was suppose to sled there. I wanted to because it was faster. I got her to do it with me. She got in trouble. I got called names and sent away. Dismissed. Rejected. I was the bad influence. I was nothing.
I was also 7 years old.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Wandering Thoughts
Wondering what is next... where will this exercise in writing take me? Usually there is something, a phrase, quote, feeling, picture. Right now I got nothing, lol. So I am simply writing and wondering where I will end up. Letting thoughts just flow. I can't recall a time where I have stared at a page, getting ready to write and not had a single thought. There are always thoughts. When I feel *stuck* about writing, it is more that I just don't see a specific direction. Like right now.
The past few days have been extremely emotional. Having none of that at this moment feels great. It is nice to know that the smile on my face is not forced. Nothing has magically resolved itself and that is okay. Having these places of rest and peace are very welcomed.
Feeling more *normal*. Whatever normal is. My normal is not going to be the normal for someone else. I have said many times that normal is simply a setting on the dryer. Too often there is a comparison to someone else's normal and it leaves me feeling lacking. Whatever normal is, I often feel like I don't fit into it. I needed to find an understanding that my normal is just fine for me. There is nothing about it that harms any one else. It doesn't make me unique. It just makes me, me.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Choosing Strength
Had a discussion earlier where Mickey asked me to please not sabotage myself. She acknowledged that I am having a hard time right now. She even acknowledged all my feelings. She has never said that I shouldn't feel a certain way. She has pointed out to me some reasons why my feelings might not exactly be based on the actual reality of the situation. Giving me examples of what she has seen.
Yesterday was not the best of days. The accumulation of a few different things all came together bringing me to a point where I simply quit. Grabbing a hold of something I think I can control, and just taking over.
After I had calmed down last night and saw what I had written, I thought that it was ok, that I would feel differently today. I don't. Trying to reach for those boot straps and pull myself back up. I can't. What happened to my strength? It's gone.
This is one of those moments when I know I am the one in control. I have to decide what steps to take. Make a choice that makes sense to me and is not harmful. It is one of those times when I need to choose strength, even when I feel weak.
Choosing strength can be telling myself that I am doing nothing today. It can be, setting everything aside and focusing elsewhere. Choosing strength can be taking a break. Choosing strength doesn't mean that I am not afraid, doesn't even mean I am strong. It means acknowledging that right now is so hard.
Yesterday was not the best of days. The accumulation of a few different things all came together bringing me to a point where I simply quit. Grabbing a hold of something I think I can control, and just taking over.
After I had calmed down last night and saw what I had written, I thought that it was ok, that I would feel differently today. I don't. Trying to reach for those boot straps and pull myself back up. I can't. What happened to my strength? It's gone.
This is one of those moments when I know I am the one in control. I have to decide what steps to take. Make a choice that makes sense to me and is not harmful. It is one of those times when I need to choose strength, even when I feel weak.
Choosing strength can be telling myself that I am doing nothing today. It can be, setting everything aside and focusing elsewhere. Choosing strength can be taking a break. Choosing strength doesn't mean that I am not afraid, doesn't even mean I am strong. It means acknowledging that right now is so hard.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Which way is Up?
I haven't smoked pot in a year until last night. It is legal here. The pain in my body grew uncontrollable. Physical pain that stays and grows in intensity can leave a person wondering, *which way is up?* This is not the *nice* pain that can flood a person with endorphins. No, this is the sort that feels like an all out assault on the body.
Physical pain and emotional pain are connected... well, can be. The emotions manifesting themselves physically. Feeling stressed and all the muscles tense, the same with anxiety and fear. When these get all twisted up inside me while I am trying to fight and relieve the pain, I am often left wondering which way is up. I dont get a break from physical pain. What I do get is different degrees of intensity. I feel fortunate that the over the top, I want to pull my hair out and scream pain rarely happens more than once a week. When physical pain rises, it can push itself right to the front of everything and it is all I see. At that point nothing is seen except through pain-filled glasses. Those points for me are crazy! Like that, I am trying not to snap at anyone. I am trying to hold myself together and convince myself that eventually one of the methods I am using to bring pain levels down is gonna work. I am trying not to be grumpy with my dogs who want to be on my lap, in my chair, every step of these little dogs bringing more pain. Ok, so sometimes I am resisting the urge to toss one of them from my chair. (I have 4 chihuahuas and I would never hurt them) They don't know that juggling for their normal spot, laying against me, is hurting me.
Chronic pain is frustrating. For those of us with *invisible* diseases and disorders we often don't know the cause of the pain and have no way of controlling it. We don't know when the symptom of pain is going to hit. There is no formula to show us how bad it is going to be this time, how high the levels might go or how long they will stay so high. It can feel hopeless. We can't point to a certain thing that brought on the pain. And we know that getting through this episode is unlikely to be the last. It sure isn't like surgery where they go in take care of the problem and there is the pain with recovery, that does have an end. It *feels* hopeless at times, but it is not hopeless. It isn't a curse. I wouldn't call it a blessing either. It is a part of our lives that can make us emotional, grumpy and very much fatigued. It is ok to be there and not know which way is up. It is not okay to be there and be an asshole. Pain is not an excuse to lash out at others. We can feel out of control and not become out of control.
In the midst of a pain flare-up, it is best not to be making too many decisions. Not knowing which way is up, because it is all colored by pain, is definitely going to have an effect on decision making. At least it does for me. Others have said to me, *at least it is not like you have cancer and might die from it.* They might be true, in part. They judge what they can see. Especially those who are asking me what's wrong with me when I am in my wheelchair. They see a healthy woman. They may even see a woman in pain. But, to say that at least...blah, blah, blah... is so inconsiderate. Only those the absolute closest to me know the whole story of what my body is doing and how it effects the quality and span of my life.
The person you know that has chronic pain, keep in mind that you might not know the entire story or history going on there. We as the friends, siblings, co-workers, of someone living with chronic pain need to know that sometimes, the grip of pain is so tight that the person does not know which way is up right then. The best way to help is just love them through it. Be kind, try to understand and don't be a doormat. When I am cranky because of pain, I am grateful that those around me understand the source and are willing to show me which way is up. Mickey will say to me something like...* I think that might be the pain talking* or even, *I understand that you are in pain but that is not an excuse to act like that*
Physical pain and emotional pain are connected... well, can be. The emotions manifesting themselves physically. Feeling stressed and all the muscles tense, the same with anxiety and fear. When these get all twisted up inside me while I am trying to fight and relieve the pain, I am often left wondering which way is up. I dont get a break from physical pain. What I do get is different degrees of intensity. I feel fortunate that the over the top, I want to pull my hair out and scream pain rarely happens more than once a week. When physical pain rises, it can push itself right to the front of everything and it is all I see. At that point nothing is seen except through pain-filled glasses. Those points for me are crazy! Like that, I am trying not to snap at anyone. I am trying to hold myself together and convince myself that eventually one of the methods I am using to bring pain levels down is gonna work. I am trying not to be grumpy with my dogs who want to be on my lap, in my chair, every step of these little dogs bringing more pain. Ok, so sometimes I am resisting the urge to toss one of them from my chair. (I have 4 chihuahuas and I would never hurt them) They don't know that juggling for their normal spot, laying against me, is hurting me.
Chronic pain is frustrating. For those of us with *invisible* diseases and disorders we often don't know the cause of the pain and have no way of controlling it. We don't know when the symptom of pain is going to hit. There is no formula to show us how bad it is going to be this time, how high the levels might go or how long they will stay so high. It can feel hopeless. We can't point to a certain thing that brought on the pain. And we know that getting through this episode is unlikely to be the last. It sure isn't like surgery where they go in take care of the problem and there is the pain with recovery, that does have an end. It *feels* hopeless at times, but it is not hopeless. It isn't a curse. I wouldn't call it a blessing either. It is a part of our lives that can make us emotional, grumpy and very much fatigued. It is ok to be there and not know which way is up. It is not okay to be there and be an asshole. Pain is not an excuse to lash out at others. We can feel out of control and not become out of control.
In the midst of a pain flare-up, it is best not to be making too many decisions. Not knowing which way is up, because it is all colored by pain, is definitely going to have an effect on decision making. At least it does for me. Others have said to me, *at least it is not like you have cancer and might die from it.* They might be true, in part. They judge what they can see. Especially those who are asking me what's wrong with me when I am in my wheelchair. They see a healthy woman. They may even see a woman in pain. But, to say that at least...blah, blah, blah... is so inconsiderate. Only those the absolute closest to me know the whole story of what my body is doing and how it effects the quality and span of my life.
The person you know that has chronic pain, keep in mind that you might not know the entire story or history going on there. We as the friends, siblings, co-workers, of someone living with chronic pain need to know that sometimes, the grip of pain is so tight that the person does not know which way is up right then. The best way to help is just love them through it. Be kind, try to understand and don't be a doormat. When I am cranky because of pain, I am grateful that those around me understand the source and are willing to show me which way is up. Mickey will say to me something like...* I think that might be the pain talking* or even, *I understand that you are in pain but that is not an excuse to act like that*
Coloring
All of my life I have been drawn to the arts. Working with my hands and creating things brought me great joy. One of the things I never stopped doing, is coloring. It is a stress reliever and very calming for me. It actually doesn't matter if I am big or little. Working at coloring an intricate pattern in a coloring book meant for adults, focuses my brain on that task.
In the past three years, adult coloring has grown by leaps and bounds. It is definitely not just crayons and cartoon like coloring books anymore. There is a growing community and a wealth of new books meant for adults who want to color. There are hundreds of free samples of these coloring pages online as well. They are ready to download and to be colored with any medium one chooses to use.
Stress relief is important for all of us. Find that thing that works for you.
In the past three years, adult coloring has grown by leaps and bounds. It is definitely not just crayons and cartoon like coloring books anymore. There is a growing community and a wealth of new books meant for adults who want to color. There are hundreds of free samples of these coloring pages online as well. They are ready to download and to be colored with any medium one chooses to use.
Stress relief is important for all of us. Find that thing that works for you.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Feet of Clay
Originally, when I thought of this, I thought I would write from the artists perspective about working with clay. The clay is punched, cleansed, made as pure as possible and leaving no air that will cause holes, etc. Only after that process, which takes a lot of work, is a creation started. I have worked with raw clay and it brought a lot of satisfaction when I finally got what I was working with to the point of being able to start forming my piece. It is hard freaking work! There is a lesson in that.
Instead though, I realized that the term is going through my head for a different reason. It is about having feet of clay. At times feeling so stuck that I can't move. Sometimes, knowing I must move and I don't want to. There is a sense of dread in some of that. Dragging my feet because I do not want to do what is in front of me to do. It doesn't matter if it is facing a punishment, facing a trauma truthfully, or taking a bite from a sandwich when I don't want to eat.... they become *have-to's* and I develop feet of clay.
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