Spank

Spank.  Five little letters.  I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I looked that word up in a dictionary.  Being totally caught up in that moment of reading the definition over and over.  Later, as I learned more words, my time in the dictionary would grow longer and longer as I read and dreamed.  Beat, swat, whip, spanking, paddle, smack, thrash.... as I grew, the list did.
There was no way I could share this with anyone.  I couldn't tell anyone of my pretend games and fantasies that I played out by myself.  I was sure no one else existed on earth who felt the same way!  I was a freak.  I knew I was different.  Somehow it all felt wrong.  Just looking the word spank, up in the dictionary had a sort of naughty girl feel to it.  I sure didn't want anyone to catch me doing it.   Feeling that I was doing something that should have been forbidden, I hid what I was doing.  I hid, because I couldn't stop.  The warm sensations that flowed through me as I read those words were too intoxicating.  It was comforting.  Learning a new word that somehow meant *to spank* always excited me.  I could not wait to go home and play it out in my fantasy.
I found out in my play that I just couldn't bring myself to say, bad girl.  I wasn't bad.  I was naughty.  For whatever reason, bad, always seemed so wrong.  I learned also the words that would set my heart flying in my games.  All of the words I had learned, the ones that made the deepest impact were, Do I need to give you a spanking?  Back just to the basic, I guess.  As a little girl, closing my eyes and thinking that sentence was my happy place.  If I let myself dream too long, it also became a sad place that sometimes brought unwanted tears.  Tears of longing I think.
I am not alone in this.  I know I am not the only one that grew up with feelings like this.  We each have our own twist and turns that came with us into adulthood.  Some of them we took some sandpaper to and smoothed them out.  Some of them we have worked hard to hide.  But, I believe for the most part that we are uniquely made, kinks and all.