I Don't Want To!

That is where I am right now.  I don't want to write.  No one is telling me I have to write.  It is something I have been doing for myself because I know it is good for me to do it.  Writing is a way for me to take some of the things inside me and put them here.  Maybe look at them, maybe not.  Maybe explore the feelings or totally avoid them.  So far, it all has been more matter-of-fact.  Simply stating things and leaving it at that.
The feelings are much more walled up.  Sometimes it feels like there is this large bookcase inside me where all of these things are stored.  Some of them, I seem to have put so high that it will only be with help that I will be able to take them down and look.  I can still read some of the titles of those books and I am not ready to take them down and dust them off, let alone open them.
Am I protecting myself or hurting myself?  Is it a little of both?  I don't know.  A part of me doesn't even care.
I am stubborn.  Close friends would be laughing at that statement because of the truth behind it.  I am stubborn and that stubbornness has made one or two of them want to take me over their knee to spank some sense into me.  Am I blessed or cursed because none of them have taken it that far?  There was no discipline as a kid and I know full well there is a part of me absolutely screaming for it now.  I have wanted a female authority figure in my life for as long as I can remember.  It might sound strange to some, but I have always yearned to know that someone cared enough to spank me and to hold me accountable.  Somewhere I think there must be some unwritten law that says adults are not suppose to want to be held accountable by another and have consequences.  God help me, I want that relationship in my life.
I don't understand how I can want and yearn for something I never had.  How can I feel such a sense of loss and emptiness inside of me for something that never was?  I don't understand it, but I will say that right now I feel that loss, that emptiness and the threat of tears forming right now.
There is not one person on earth that cares whether or not I do this blog.  It won't matter if I continue or if I stop.  Right now, I just don't want to.