Guilt

Guilt.... I am sure everyone feels it at one time or another.  What erases it?  Is there some other emotion inside of us that acts like a huge eraser and just takes it away?  Do we grow hardened to the feeling as the days, months and years pass?  That, has not been my experience, at least not with a couple of things in my life.
Guilt at times washes over me in a wave as a memory comes to the forefront.  I have tried all of the things I know to do to make things right.  The apologies, on paper anyway.  Looking at myself in the mirror and saying to my reflection, I forgive you.  Feels silly as hell, but I have done it.
Is that the key?  Forgiving ourselves?  For me, I think it is, at least in part.  I know there is no way that I can go back and make things right.  There are no amends to be made.  I know I am not responsible for doing the things I did as a child, not really.  I was a child and I acted like one.  I grew up in a situation that now, looking back from my adult perspective, I see it for what it was.... totally messed up!
Still, with that knowledge, my heart breaks over memories of things I did and things I was allowed to do.  I hit my mother because she was trying to get a hold of me to discipline me, which was a huge no-no for her.  Then, I watched as my father spanked her for it.  Simply for attempting to spank me.  It is so twisted and so wrong.  She was not allowed to interact with me as a parent would.  I belonged to my dad.
My heart does yearn now for a loving female disciplinarian to be in my life, at least for awhile.  To be held accountable.  To really know that when she says she is going to do something, she will carry through.  In some way or another, I have wanted this all of my life.  I expect that the *dream* and the reality would probably be very different.
Is it consequences that help alleviate guilt?  Are tears the eraser that washes us clean of it?  Does guilt just last and haunt us forever?  I can't believe that to be true.  The guilt I feel has nothing to do with anything illegal or against the law.  I would imagine in the case of one harming another permanently, that sort of guilt could last forever.  But, what about the littler things?