Have you ever answered the question, how are you, with *ok*? I know I have and I bet most of us have. Has anyone then asked you, what does *okay* mean? I have been one who asks that question and been asked it as well.
In my younger years, okay, often meant simply that I was not feeling fear. I can't say that I knew what any other emotion actually felt like. If I did, I didn't have a name for them. I am sure I had moments of happiness and joy. To describe my feelings in those times, I had only the word, *fun*.
Asking a survivor of childhood abuse of any sort, what they are feeling, you may likely be answered with a blank stare. In so many cases, emotion of any kind has been denied. We were not allowed to have them. We were not allowed to express them and we often were told they were not even real. What we knew were fear and pain. What we learned was to answer, * I am okay*.
Trusting my own feelings was impossible. An abuser hurting my body was often accompanied by the words, *you like this don't you?*. Pain, fear, disgust, confusion were all real things that I felt, but I was told that I like it. Talk about adding confusion to confusion! Adults can easily convince children that lies are truth.
Tears were not allowed. They were not allowed by some of the adults. They also were not allowed by me. Holding back something to myself that they could not take from me. When I was 11, I jumped out of a tree and landed on a board with a nail sticking up. It hurt like hell but I didn't cry. I hopped home with the board attached to my foot and the nail sticking out of the top of my shoe/foot. Sometimes, this is the life of a survivor. Even when there is a real reason to cry, we have no emotional response. We try to smile and respond by saying that we are okay.
Next time that you find yourself responding with *I'm okay*, take a moment and ask yourself what that means to you right then.
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