Raw Feelings

There are a lot of negative type feelings in me right now.  Resentment, hatred, anger, frustration, depression, etc.  90% of it is over my living situation.  When I see Andrew or Stephanie, there is a coldness inside of me that is not nice.  How do I admit even to myself that I resent them being here?  They certainly do not do anything around here that helps.  Their noses are forever in their phones or in a game.  Their baby just screams for attention.  Andrew is the laziest person I have seen in a very long time.  He leaves all childcare to his wife.  She has to ask him to watch his son so she can use the bathroom!  It is ridiculous and so maddening!  What good or positive sort of things do they even contribute here?  I cannot think of one thing.
I am angry, so angry.  I don't know yet how to push that away from me and accept that this is the way things are for now.  Do I have a right to be angry?  It is not good to be treated so poorly in my own home.  I hate all of this!  I can't make things change and I cannot accept the way they are.  There is no fucking end in sight.  Every day that Mickey says nothing to them just hurts so much.  I am pretty sure that she just doesn't want to start any drama.  But, dammit, all they bring is drama and madness.  None of this is acceptable.  I have to leave my home to be somewhat sane...how fucking wrong is that?  This is suppose to be a sanctuary and it isn't.  I don't have a safe place anymore.  Nothing feels right or good.
Fighting is useless, it won't make anything better at all.  I am just stuck and just have to wait until someone else fixes or changes this hell I am living in.  I really dont think that anyone will.  I don't think anyone even cares that this is hell for me.

My House

So much chaos.  Home is crazy.  Adult children making things difficult.  Noise levels at least tripled.  Privacy is almost non-existent.  What do you do?  Where is the line between taking care of yourself and helping adult children?  Maybe if they were even a little grateful things would be easier.  This son is not grateful.  He simply believes it is his right to stay here for however how long he wishes or needs to.  He is difficult to live with.  He doesn't like me.  I am so very tired of all of this.  I want it to end.  My sanity needs it to end.  They are talking about 4 months more with us.  I am at my wits end.  This is my home and it doesn't feel like it is mine.  Most things that Mickey and I do are also planned around the other two's schedules etc.  She drives them back and forth to work.  We are being taken advantage of and I don't think Mickey even sees that fact.  I want them out of my house.
Our landlord wants them gone.  Mickey to my knowledge hasn't even told the kids this yet.  This idiot landlord tried to force his way into our house and shoved me.  The police were called.  One of the papers handed to us says that the kids have to move out of here.  They are not on the lease.  It has been over 2 months already.  It sure doesn't feel like my world is going to be anything close to normal any time soon.  I am frustrated and I am becoming resentful of the entire situation.

Time Flies...

Wow, being up all day and sleeping at night like most *normal* people, sure has made time get away from me!  I am trying to write every day.  I am called out of the house most days.  When I am at home, I am usually doing something with Mickey.  Even if it is just watching television, I don't feel comfortable turning the computer on as well.  I would rather write when I am alone.  Sometimes, it works well too if I just go under headphones and listen to music while writing.  For me, it is strange to do that with others in the room.  I do try and set an example for my family about what is polite and what might be seen as rude.  I realize that the restrictions on me about writing are self imposed.  It is still important to me though.
I want to lead by example when ever possible.

Bondage & Spanking

Last night I spent some time with Miss Jenn.  For the first time, she bound me to a table.  There is something about tight bondage with someone I completely trust, that makes me feel so safe.  There was no way that I was going anywhere.  My movement was completely limited and controlled by her.  As someone who is disabled, my movements are limited anyway.  Adding the element of bondage to what we are doing, just takes me higher.  I do go much more into the submissive head space.  Bondage has me completely engaged and it is no longer about what I can't do physically.  It becomes about what I can't do because she has made it that I cannot.  It is her will and not my own and I like it that way.
I enjoy being spanked.  It doesn't usually matter to me much about what brings me to the point of receiving the spanking.  There has been a lot of impromptu spankings, role-play ones and just because spankings.  All are great.  Last night, bondage took my weaknesses and threw them away for awhile.  I like that!

Catching Up

Home life is still crazy with another family living in our living-room.  One of our sons, his wife and 11 month old son.  It is chaotic, loud and stressful.  He and I do not get along very well.  I end up feeling like I am walking on eggshells most of the time.  I dislike the fact that he feels like he is entitled to this.  He runs Mickey ragged some days and is pissed off when she says no to him about taking him somewhere.  They don't have a vehicle.  At least they both have started new jobs.
Watching our son's very poor parenting skills up close and personal is extremely frustrating.  He is the type of person that you cannot tell anything to.  He is always right and his way is the only way.  So, we are left watching the baby suffer.  It is all just a bad situation.

I was able to take an aquatic class at the gym.  It was wonderful to stretch my body with the weightlessness of the water.  I was able to participate in over half of the hour long class without taking a break.  I came away very proud of myself.  The exercises were changed up a little for me so that I could participate more.  The right side of my body has become so weak as well as very painful.  The doctors sort of know what is happening but they don't know why and can't seem to help me much either.

M.I.A.

So, I have been missing in action for a couple of weeks.  One week was filled with a camping trip that I never want to repeat.  It was a bdsm event with some good classes but the overall time there was unpleasant to say the least.
I am struggling with my right arm.  Every movement causes more pain.  That makes typing anything a challenge.
Still working at being thankful and looking for the positive in every situation.  Taking one day at a time and making the best of it.

Continuing Thankfulness

Life is hard.  Time is a crazy thing that is usually too fast or too slow.  Rarely is there enough money.  Too often things don't go as planned.  Often our best still doesn't seem good enough.  Damn, what is there left that is positive in our world?
For me, all of these statements are pretty true.  What is there that is still worth getting up for?  This is the reality that so many of us face.  It isn't a pessimist attitude, it is reality.  So how do you stay sane in the insanity?  How do you put on a smile and face another day?
At this moment for me personally, it is so much about practicing thankfulness.  In that I also hold onto hope.  I do not like some aspects of my life at this moment.  There are quite a few things that I wish were different.  At the moment, they are unchangeable things.  I am not willing to put my energy into the negative emotions that attach themselves to those things.
It is not easy.  It is difficult to force my brain and emotions away from the negative side.  Sometimes I have torn my world down to the simple fact that I am thankful that I have air to breathe.  Instead of being upset that I have to go to that very basic need to be thankful for, I build on that small thing.
Redirecting my thoughts isn't easy and it does not happen over night.  For me, it is worth the effort.