Submission

So, I asked for help in a subject to write about today.  What I got was, why do I feel the connection I have with Mickey when She is completely in dominant mode?
For me, it has to do with feeling complete.  Mickey meets this other side in me.  Her confidence and strength shine through and beckon to me.  I meet them with my gift of submission and surrender.  Between us over the years our relationship has evolved.  Trust has been built.  Reliance on one another has been tested multiple times.  I have a need to submit to another woman.  Not just any woman.  There has to be this tug inside of me.  There has to be a relationship that continues to grow.
In this relationship, Mickey completes me.  Our strengths and weaknesses are intertwined.  She has taken the time to know me intimately on many levels.
I know that when I give my submission to her, she welcomes it with open arms.  It is something she treasures as well.  I complete her in a lot of the same ways.
Strong dominant confident women will always draw my attention.  It is the way I am wired.  That doesn't mean that I am the opposite.  Outside of that relationship I am strong and confident and in some situations, very dominant.  I am still just as strong, etc inside of that relationship as well.  It is a choice that I make to give my submission.
When Mickey or Miss Jenn are in that dominant headspace, my response is one of submission.  The relationships have developed enough that they accept and welcome that gift of submission as well.  I do not submit to just anyone.  As a submissive, I am strong and confident and still have a lot to give to the dominant in my life.

Water

This is paradise to me.  A quiet away sort of place with water.  Th waterfall is an extra bonus.  There is something about water that is so calming to me.  I can be siting near it or be in it and just feel so much better.  For me it is alive and life giving.  It shares it's energy with me..  It is there to give, to embrace, to encircle.  Floating on my back, all the stress floats away.

Just today

I have the house almost to myself right now.  Most of the family went to the air-show today.  I just have felt worn out today.  I was going to go at first even though I really didn't feel the *want-to*.  I know that once I do go, my body usually adjusts enough that I am somewhat comfortable.
Leaving the house and going out doing things is something I have done a lot lately.  Staying home doing nothing is almost always okay with me.  I have been pushing myself to just do it anyway and enjoying myself.  My birthday is in about a week.  Mickey is planning a lot of different outings for us.  I am excited about it.  At some point I am sure that I will struggle with the feelings of not wanting to go.  I seem to just be made that way.  I love what she is doing though.  I like the excitement I feel when I wonder about what exactly she is planning.
Being alone is something that I have always been comfortable with.  Doing nothing at all but sitting and listening or thinking is something I do often.  It has become more of a pain management thing now.  I do cherish these times alone and quiet just as much as those special times with family and friends.

Finding Ourselves

I like this saying.  In a life that can become very ordered and organized, sometimes getting lost is a great thing to have happen.  It is often those unexpected things that really show us who we are.  I have a difficult time with change.  I like knowing what to expect or what happens next.  When someone or something throws a wrench into that, I have been known to freak, lol!  But, it is those times that usually also help me find myself.  They have a way of uncovering or exposing my growth or lack of it in some areas.
Sometimes, for me, the getting lost part is me heading under headphones and listening to favorite music.  I get lost in the music.  It changes my attitude almost always.  Most of the time it sends me for pen and paper and I write.
Occasionally,  getting lost and finding myself happens when I color.  Coloring is so much more than a pass time of childhood.  Coloring brings a calmness.  Coloring works a lot like meditation for me.
I am sure we all have those times of seeking ourselves, needing answers, etc.  We each have different ways of accomplishing that as well.  Use what works for you.  Now, go get lost!

24 Hours Later

So, here I am after a few hours of raw emotion and new revelations.  I don't like times like that at all.  I don't like how I feel and I don't like that others see and are effected.  And I know that times like those are just another part of this thing we call life.
Mickey, my beloved Partner and so much more, has all along been doing her best in this situation we are in.  She has always tried to keep everyone safe and happy.
I am calmer.  I see things a little differently.  The only thing that I truly can change is myself.  I can walk forward with my family and do my best to bring peace in the stressful times.  I realized strangely enough that I was seeing Andy and his family, as one family and the rest of us as another family.  I was trying to protect my family and it showed in my actions and thoughts.  Crazy thinking on my part for sure.  We are one family.  That is all that matters.

Raw Feelings

There are a lot of negative type feelings in me right now.  Resentment, hatred, anger, frustration, depression, etc.  90% of it is over my living situation.  When I see Andrew or Stephanie, there is a coldness inside of me that is not nice.  How do I admit even to myself that I resent them being here?  They certainly do not do anything around here that helps.  Their noses are forever in their phones or in a game.  Their baby just screams for attention.  Andrew is the laziest person I have seen in a very long time.  He leaves all childcare to his wife.  She has to ask him to watch his son so she can use the bathroom!  It is ridiculous and so maddening!  What good or positive sort of things do they even contribute here?  I cannot think of one thing.
I am angry, so angry.  I don't know yet how to push that away from me and accept that this is the way things are for now.  Do I have a right to be angry?  It is not good to be treated so poorly in my own home.  I hate all of this!  I can't make things change and I cannot accept the way they are.  There is no fucking end in sight.  Every day that Mickey says nothing to them just hurts so much.  I am pretty sure that she just doesn't want to start any drama.  But, dammit, all they bring is drama and madness.  None of this is acceptable.  I have to leave my home to be somewhat sane...how fucking wrong is that?  This is suppose to be a sanctuary and it isn't.  I don't have a safe place anymore.  Nothing feels right or good.
Fighting is useless, it won't make anything better at all.  I am just stuck and just have to wait until someone else fixes or changes this hell I am living in.  I really dont think that anyone will.  I don't think anyone even cares that this is hell for me.

My House

So much chaos.  Home is crazy.  Adult children making things difficult.  Noise levels at least tripled.  Privacy is almost non-existent.  What do you do?  Where is the line between taking care of yourself and helping adult children?  Maybe if they were even a little grateful things would be easier.  This son is not grateful.  He simply believes it is his right to stay here for however how long he wishes or needs to.  He is difficult to live with.  He doesn't like me.  I am so very tired of all of this.  I want it to end.  My sanity needs it to end.  They are talking about 4 months more with us.  I am at my wits end.  This is my home and it doesn't feel like it is mine.  Most things that Mickey and I do are also planned around the other two's schedules etc.  She drives them back and forth to work.  We are being taken advantage of and I don't think Mickey even sees that fact.  I want them out of my house.
Our landlord wants them gone.  Mickey to my knowledge hasn't even told the kids this yet.  This idiot landlord tried to force his way into our house and shoved me.  The police were called.  One of the papers handed to us says that the kids have to move out of here.  They are not on the lease.  It has been over 2 months already.  It sure doesn't feel like my world is going to be anything close to normal any time soon.  I am frustrated and I am becoming resentful of the entire situation.