I took the time today to read through most of what I have written here in this blog. Rarely do I do that with anything I have written because I tend to then destroy it. Some old habits die hard.
I saw something in my writings. A repeated theme. Over and over again I have said, I have wished for a disciplinarian in my life. Writing out my wish was never my intention with this blog, and yes, I want to erase every entry right now. That wish is so personal to me, and yet it is here, out in the open for anyone to see.
Wishing is something that is ok to do in my book. I wish for world peace. I wish for stronger legs. I wish for a cure for cancer, etc. But when it is something so personal, about myself and what I wish to have in my life, the wish is useless. It is useless if I never put any effort into fulfilling that wish.
So what is it that I truly wish for and am willing to work toward having?
I would like a female authority figure in my life. An ongoing relationship, that grows over time. Likely something that I will grow out of, at least grow out of feeling the need for. I wish for someone to walk with me through a couple of memories from my past. Someone who is not afraid of an adult who is also a seven year old inside. I wish for that woman to be able to hold, correct and direct that little girl me in ways that I just haven't been able to, and no one else ever bothered to. I wish for her to care about me. Caring whether or not I do the things I agree to do. I am not looking to be bossed around or bullied. I want to be held accountable, even if that accountability may seem strange to others. Whenever I let myself really think about it, it is always a mother/daughter scenario that rises in me. In reality, would that type of relationship scare the hell out of me? Would it bring out the true 7 year old I was that had no respect for women? The thought of something like that happening, sends chills through me and not in a good way. I am not a mean person. I am not disrespectful to others. What happens if that comes out? Will I be rejected on the spot? I hope not. I hope that if that comes out it is responded to with loving discipline. I just want *Her*, whoever she is to actually care enough to join my walk for a little while, in a very active way. I wish for it to be real. I wish for it to be now. I wish for it to be on a regular basis. I wish money wasn't an issue and that hard work was enough. I wish the people I have already approached, who are already in my life, had been accepting and understanding and willing. It is a difficult subject to approach with anyone, that's for sure........ I wish, I hope, I know, that *She* needs to be willing to spank me. Also, I know that I must consent and give over that power and to be treated as a child if need be. Which of course means that communication is as vital as trust.
So there's the wish, well, at least as much as I can think of right now. So, what am I willing to do to actually have this in my life? I have started putting my wish outside of my own head by writing it here, talking to my partner intensively, approaching a few select friends and reaching out now, to two people I have never met. Those last two are professional disciplinarians. From the email I received tonight from the one, I am sure she will accept me as a client and she is less than an hour's drive away. Then.... I saw the cost and my eyes were burning with tears. Sometimes it feels like my wish is so so close to being a reality, and then reality slaps me in the face.
I have found someone who may very well be a good match for me and is well out of my financial range. There is no way that I can see her every 6 weeks or so, at that cost. I'll admit, I let myself feel sorry for myself for about 15 minutes. Then I grabbed for my boot straps and started yanking myself back up. There has to be a way to make this work, to see it happen. I am not going to let my wish crash and burn. So, I started thinking about how to pay the needed fees. I sure don't have all the answers, I just know that if I must go the professional route, I need to expect that it will also cost me something. Why doesn't health insurance cover something like this? lol!
I have started thinking about what I have and what I am willing to sacrifice. I have about 15 leather coats I could try and sell. I paid over $200 for each and some still have the tags on them. All from back in the day when finances were in no way a concern. I have two antique book collections, they are not big collections but each set has been valued at over $1000. I have myself, my creativity and my willingness to work in some way to pay the fees.
I don't know how this will turn out... but oh what I wish!
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