Still, Tears

Tears are a scary thing for me.  Oh how I have wished over the years that that same sort of female authority figure would sit me down and encourage me to cry.  The thought scares the hell out of me, yet I still want it.  During those times when I am on the verge of tears, all my walls go up.  The must vulnerable place I know right now is that place.  Where tears threaten to fall.  I again feel tiny and vulnerable.  I can still hear that voice telling me harshly, not to cry.  Don't ever cry.  Only babies cry.  My head knows that is not a true statement.  Physically, I do understand what tears do for our bodies.  Emotionally, I have an understanding about the release tears can bring.  For me though, I avoid it.  I don't ever want to be taken back to that place on the stool.  When I have succumbed to tears, I have been angry with myself.  Angry for being weak.  Oddly, the same anger toward my own tears is actually compassion toward someone else who is crying.  I want to comfort and be a support.  I want to let them cry it out if that is what they need to do.  Finding that same compassion towards myself?  Eh, I am not so good at that.

The only female authority figure that has brought me to tears over something I have done, is that woman who slapped me every time a tear fell.  At this point in my life I don't think it is possible for anyone to take me to that place.  Yes, I feel guilt.  Yes, I feel embarrassed over things I have done and feel bad about them.  But, cry?  Not happening.  In a way I guess, I was taught eventually to ignore any authority figure, but especially the women.  They were the most prevalent in my life, growing up.  My mother, teachers, neighbors... I didn't have to listen to them and certainly didn't have to do what they told me.  I didn't face the consequences of wrong doing.  There were some scoldings.  Those didn't mean anything to me.  Mostly, I guess because I knew none of them could or would actually do anything.  Not one female authority figure in my life stood up to me or followed through on their words.  Of course I learned to not really listen.  Cry?  I had no reason to.